try try again

I am standing by the side of the road, my A is gone, but I am scared to move or breathe and I hope I'm not getting ready to hit my bottom because I feel like I've been bouncing on it for months and I don't think I can take any more hitting it. When will I start to feel good like so many of you do, and know I'm doing the right thing? I keep asking my HP, but no reply yet, any ideas?

FormerDoormat

For me, it only took a couple of months. One day, I just noticed the sadness was gone. Don't lose hope, it will happen for you, too.

denny57

Everyone's timetable is different. What are you doing to help the situation? Do you attend Al-Anon? Get counseling? I noticed a big change for me was when the "A" situation, the "A" style of living, was no longer the focus of my life. The pain lessened greatly after that.

((()))

hope2bhappy

Thank you Blizzard. This is how I feel, also. I am grateful that my AH has never been one to fear, and my heart goes out to those who have lived with this.

FormerDoormat

for HopeAngel.

hopeangel

another great thread. thank you!!! i am so touched with all of the support i am getting here today.

Bernadette

FD thanks for bumping this - and for starting it too!
Awesome post.
Relevant and inspiring no matter where we find ourselves today.
Peace,
B.

lillianrivers

I know I'm not living a happy life, but according to AH, it is because I "have THE problem with alcohol," not him. According to him, if I'd just "shut the f*** up" and leave him alone, then it would all be okay. Well, I've tried that...hell I've tried every angle I can think of...and NONE of it works out to be okay. We are way behind on our rent, he lost his job a month ago with no solid leads since he's a felon, and I graduated from college six months ago, but can't find a job due to lack of "on-the-job" experience.

I know I'm not happy with my life, I'm not happy with how he treats me and the kids (nothing physical), I'm not happy with the cheating and jail time due to his drinking, I'm not happy with any of it. But how do I jump that fence when I have four little baby deer looking up at me with those incredibly sad and questioning eyes. What do I tell them? What do I do when he wants to take them for visits and I'm scared to death to let them go out of fear for their safety and well-being, but I'm scared to keep him from them out of fear for their safety and well-being? (Not to mention his "friend" who says she doesn't care what we do as long as I don't keep the kids from him, or else she'll "beat my ass.")

lillianrivers

My biggest fear is that it will hurt the kids more and that I will have to let take the kids and not know what is going on while they are with him. I mean, yeah...I know he'd never intentionally hurt them or put them in harm's way, but he doesn't see the ignorant, irresponsible, childish, selfish person he becomes when he drinks. Maybe I'm the dummy and he is that way all the time, but I just don't see it until he is drunk.

Hell, I can't even get HIM to sleep on the couch, I have to do it if I don't want to sleep in the same bed with him. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and how he is doing and what he wants. Sad, huh? Not so sad that he is that way, but sad that I stay because I know if I ever did move on to another relationship, it wouldn't happen cause I have five kids, share a house with my mom, and will never be able to another man about all the bad past relationships I've had. What "good" man wants to be with someone like me? That is just one more of many, many fears I have. I just wish the car would hit me and get it over with at this point.

lilkim

Sometimes very good men. My daughter has 4 kids. 5,4,2, and 2 months. Her new man is a specialist in the army. He loves all 4 and her. It's possble. You just have to let go to recieve the blessings that God wants to give you.

FormerDoormat

Everything would be okay--for HIM--if you just stopped nagging him about his drinking and let him drink himself into oblivion. After all, that's precisely what he wants to do with his life and how he wants to live.

But that's not the way you want to live your life, or you wouldn't be here.

I thought I'd tried every angle, too. But there was one angle I kept resisting: leaving him. But when I finally got up the courage to go it alone my life changed drastically. Today, I'm happy, healthy, and free. And the best thing is the transition from a life of hell caused by someone else's drinking to a life of peace and tranquility was relatively painless.

Keep in mind that I did have to have an escape plan and I had to get my finances in order so I could go it alone. That process took me approximately 1-2 years. During that time, I relied on Alanon and SR to help me detach from my boyfriend emotionally so I could cope with his drinking until I could put my escape plan in action.

Two years after I ended my relationship with my boyfriend, he drank himself to death. The end of this month will mark the one year anniversary of his death. I am so grateful that I didn't have to watch him drink himself to death and ever so grateful that my daughter didn't have to come home from school one day and find him gone.

It took me 25 years to end my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend. I should have done it much, much sooner. But the good news is there is light at the end of the tunnel.

All I had to do was just walk towards the light.

Pajarito

This is an amazing thread- thank you FD. I've lived with a lot of fear over the past 8 months especially, but really when I look back it has been a life filled with fear for years. One of my fears before my AH left was that I couldn't survive without him- boy have I survived- and I can see that light finally. I knew I was miserable, that divorce was becoming more and more likely, but I just thought if only he would change/quit drinking- then we'd be happy. I finally see I am the one person who can definitely make myself happy. I no longer rely on AH for anything. It's been a long, slow process, but I'm getting there- thanks to people like you who have so much to share.

FormerDoormat

Bump because this topic is being discussed today.

Thumper

Thank you for the bump. Really good thread. I recognize that I was, and mostly still am, filled with fear. Lots of it. I had not really spent much time trying to identify the specifics. I can say the things I am not (or was not) afraid of but I'm not even sure where that spring of fear comes from, and fear of what specifically?. Inside me, I know that much. The alcoholic has left the building, and he didn't take it with him.

gingercharlie

Yet another AMAZING thread on SR.

Where have you people been ALL my life, even before I met XABF? I can see sooooo clearly now, that I have been living in fear.

I am so grateful for all of you.

whereisthisgoin

Interesting thread. I just sat back and starting rattling off all the things I'm scared of. I had no idea.

PieRat

Thanks for bumping this thread!!!!