ICU

Sorry if your thread was briefly highjacked FD. But your first paragraph kind of focused on that poor woman. And secondly, I was just responding to Mallowcup's input.

StandingStrong

Well FDM....I think that I am out of the road. I've even ventured off the side of the road a little. I'm the deer that has decided to get off the road and out of the way - but can't seem to get too far into the woods. I wander through the trees and yet keep looking back at the road. Seems I cant venture so far into the woods that I lose sight of the road.

What fears do I have?
Hmmmmmm..............I thought about this one for awhile now before I decided to post. Most of the fears that held me are now gone as I've seen that most of my fears didn't come true as I'd feared they would. I used to fear the normal - "I can't make it financially on my own" - but the biggest fear that always kept me hooked was the "What if I regret leaving and I'm stuck with that for the rest of my life?" Yes, the fear of making the wrong decision was what kept me stuck.

In a way - that is the fear that still keeps me where I am. Not so much that it may be the wrong decision. But the fear that I may regret it someday. The fear that maybe I am wrong in what I see and believe.

LaTeeDa

Bumping this up for those of us dealing with fear right now!

prodigal

My main fear boils down to "What do I do next? Do I look for work, keep up with school, move, stay?" Arrrrgggghhhh! Then I just stopped doing it. I can only live in this moment. My fear was generated by my attempts to take on the world.

I'm living in a hotel room on credit, without my beloved cats. Haven't heard from AH in two days. I don't bother calling anymore. Why? Because I'm sick and tired of carrying the emotional burden of trying to get much in the way of emotion out of him; at least any sane emotion. I just walk into the house when I feel like it to get what I need.

Mine doesn't seem to pop up unexpectedly, but then he never was much for putting out an effort when it came to me anyway. So I just decided that I am NOT going to die homeless on the side of the road. God is not going to let me just be left like that poor deer in the headlights (although I've felt that way plenty of times).

I'm in the let-come-what-may mode. Just as long as I have my cats and my own space, I'll be fine. Will I get a job? Sure. So what if it's flipping burgers or cleaning hotel rooms? They are honorable professions.

I guess when I walked out and realized no matter what I didn't want AH back in my life (what a toxic person!) that I was willing to pay whatever price just to feel relief. He still makes half-hearted attempts - throws me a bone now and then - about reconciliation, but it's just because he's scared of losing half of what he's got since we're in a community property state.

golden4life

Former,

Great post, really helped me today.

History: I left my long-term live in AB a week and 3 days ago. During the past week I have been distancing from him. And, I've also been asking myself, Do I want to be with him? At first my answer was contingent upon his sobriety. Sober=yes, Not sober=no. It has become less clear to me now. I am so spent that I honestly don't know if I even want to have a recovering alcoholic as a boyfriend either.

Your post about fear was great because I have run into my first "fearful" thought. We share the lease on our apartment, which I left. I have been concerned about having how he would handle my leaving permanently. I don't want to live the apartment, so I expect him to stay. I am fearful that he will insist I still pay half of the rent. How can I afford it? I am fearful that his disease will progress and he will neglect paying the rent. What about my credit history? What if I have to check to make sure he pays? All of these fears have been bothering me more and more.

Then I read your post. And I realized, I'll get through it. If I have to get a second job for the next four months...so be it. Living with an active A is still worse than working 2 jobs. If he doesn't pay the rent on time...so be it. The apartments will contact me, I might have to pay a late fee. Paying a late fee is still better than living with an active A.

Thank you for providing a little piece of mind.

BigGirlPanties

Its not a rope.
Its a snake, disguised to look like a rope.
and it bites.
Hard.

SaTiT

I'm a guy .lol

Depends how sick I am.
I lived in fear most of the time.

I had to work my program, I'm better now
I'm living my life most of the time, now.
However i still live in fear from time to time.

Basically I'm irrable and discontent today.
My fears has nothing to do with her.
Damn...this thread, i can't blame her for my unhappiness
like I've been trying to do .lol

elizabeth1979

I'm not trying to hijack just wanted to menion this real quick. Super super short on time..

I have realized that every day I tried to be happy in a place I was not, or I tried to love a man I had imagined, or everyday I tried to mold my ex into what I wanted him to be-instead of what his actions told me he was...I felt like a failure.
To me, Divorce is not failure anymore in my book.

FD, Awesome post, Ill be back to add more

chero

These posts are so great! I haven't asked myself what I'm afraid since....since I figured out the truth would hurt too much. But it's strange to me how honestly the list doesn't seem as long as it used to. I understand divorce would be hard and not somewhere I ever wanted to be and I understand that financially we are so tied to one another. But somewhere...buried way deep...is that desire, that hunger, for happiness.
I'm not saying I'm getting a divorce. It just doesn't scare me like it used to. I was looking around my beautiful home tonight and thought, "I'd don't have to have this stuff." I could walk out tonight and be okay. What I have to have is some sanity and some mental rest from being addicted to AH's addiction. I feel like I'm on a journey...destination...me!
Keep your eyes open for me...I'm on my way!

FormerDoormat

Chero:

Any home where you can surround yourself with things that reflect what you love and who you are can be beautiful. Whether it's the biggest, most luxurious home on the block or just a cozy, weathered bungalow.

I furnished and decorated my first home--a small townhome--with just $5,000. It was a beautiful home.

chero

FD, I love your quote! It is so true.
You know we are all dying...the real point is, how much living are we going to do before that time comes?
Wow! Do I sound strong or what? :Weightlif
I just don't want to wake up one day and find I've wasted my life and my AH is still my AH and I haven't done any living! So...I'm off to get busy living!
Wish me luck!

Grace

Wow! This just jumped out and grabbed me. I hesitate to post on here sometimes because I am so ashamed. Ashamed that I went back to my abusive alcoholic. He baited me in and I believed that he had changed. Also, I had every type of fear that you mentioned. It is absolutely awful living in fear. I hate the weekends. I look so forward to Mondays. I got out on my own for a brief period of time and it felt wonderful. Then....everything collapsed with one phone call. I was talking to my friend on the land line when my cell phone rang. I told her that it was him and she said, "DON'T ANSWER IT!" But, I thought we could just be friends. BIG MISTAKE! He kept calling me after that and told me that he went for anger management counseling and it had really changed him. I believed him! Now here I am, praying that he doesn't come home. God willing I will find a way out again, and when I do....I will NEVER take a phone call from him again.

Thank you for this thread!
It gives me hope!

lilac

(((Grace))) Don't ever be ashamed ! !

I have done the same thing as you. I moved out of our house in Oct2006 and as of a week ago today, have been staying at the house again. Big mistake, I know, he hasn't changed a bit. Right this minute he is "asleep" on the couch.

I haven't given up the apartment yet. I know it will only be a few days and I will go back.

I think it is all part of our recovery.

I seem to take one step forward and slide back three.

Much love to you!

denny57

As my therapist says: lose the shame! It took me forever to understand what she was saying. As I made better choices for myself, fell in love with the life I was leading, I found I had nothing to be ashamed about.

((()))

Sunflower

I left my XAH when I was 21--partly out of fear--but mostly because of my son--I fugured if he hurts me he is or could be hurting my son--no way--i was ever going to let that happen..I left with a 2 year old and nothing but the clothes on my back--never looked back--had and have no feelings for thi s man still-28 years later--he could lay dead in front of me and I would step over his body...not out of anger or even hate--just NO feeling at all-he is dead to me...

Grace

Thank you so much for understanding. It was the strength and support that I got from this thread and most of all, my faith in God, that got me out of this mess before. I keep hoping and praying that it will work this time, but it seems as though....he hates seeing me happy. I know that it is because he is so miserable himself. I just want a home where I feel safe. I prayed and prayed that he would not come home last night, but he did. God did answer my prayers though...he didn't come upstairs. I think he was too drunk!
My shame comes from knowing that I let down those who helped me on here and my family and friends who so eagerly helped to move me away from him the last time. I feel a sense of peace here, but only when he is gone. I love the deer that come in to feed every night. I love seeing the turkey and hearing the owls. I know that might sound corny! I have reached a point where I'm not afraid of dying, but...unfortunately, this man makes me afraid of living...until another Monday comes. I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I just need to share my feelings with SOMEONE!

Thanks again!

CodeMaster

Amazing to see recovery in motion, live life to the fullest because its too short to live less then anything other then the beauty that life was meant to be lived...

denny57

(((grace)))

FormerDoormat

You didn't let anyone down Grace and you have nothing to be ashamed about. I made many starts and stops before I took the final leap to safety. You'll do the same when you're ready. I have the utmost faith in you.

MsGolightly

sorry i'm catching up on some threads i didn't have the chance to read before, but this post by FD has really struck a chord


i'd have to say those are my biggest. i'm terrified to admit to myself that the relationship i had with my A is over - i'm still even sympathizing with her and telling myself that things she does are because she's hurting, because of the disease, etc. (and who knows, they might be) but i keep neglecting the fact that i've been cheated on, "replaced" with someone else, and lied to.

i'm scared to death i'm not going to find someone i can trust again. i'm so afraid i'll push them away with the trust issues i've developed through this past relationship. i'm afraid the future people i have in my life are going to suffer in some way because i'll expect them to just turn out like my A ... lying, cheating, neglecting me, yelling at me, etc, which isn't fair at all.

most of all, i'm scared she's going to realize she doesn't need me, or that she'll flat out forget about me. it's making me tear up now just thinking about it... thinking that someone who i loved deeply and someone who had such a profound and everlasting effect on my life will not be able to look back on me in the same light.

i really enjoyed this thread. i'm going to make my own fear/reality chart. thanks formerdoormat