megamysterioso

I have been in your situation Karen and I can tell you that it is IN YOUR BEST INTEREST to let someone that you can trust know what is going on. You have to swallow your pride on this one for your own personal safety. My parents know all about the past paranoid/psycho behavior of my AH. They also know that I called the sherriff's office about it once. They know essentially every sordid detail so that if anything were to ever happen to me, they are loaded with information. I don't mean to scare you, but somebody needs to know your situation in case something happens. You need the support.

Missy

The police have been called a total of 4 times in the last year or so by neighbors hearing his yelling.
My AH is so good... he talks himself out of everything. once, he drew his own blood and the paddy wagon took him away in his underware.
The next day, he got out with his smooth talk. My AH still thinks he isnt bad enough to get help.
The problem I am thinking is that I'm tired of outsiders telling me what to do. I just need someone to listen... that is where I am getting guts to talk to my temp. sponsor.
I want family and friends to know, but dont want their advice.
This is my second marriage. My first one I left for less than I'm living now.
I dont want a divorce. I'm too tired to leave I guess. Too exaushed to do anything.

It is amazing how many people are affected by alcohol an there is nothing we can do about it. Every night there are hundreds of people at an al-anon meeting and don't even drink. There aught to be a law...... forced detox. I know my AH can get week and go to detox with an intervention,,, and I also know he will "check out" in a couple of days.
Sometimes I wish he would go and drive drunk, get caught or get in an accident. Sometimes I do wish he would die and take me out of my missery. Sometimes I do wish his boss would catch him drunk and he would loose his job and then I can leave. Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I could be left alone..... maybe as a widow?

These feelings I think are shared. My AH is more intoxicated than sober these days so it is easy to say... on the other end, this is a wonderful may I am day to day forgetting what a good man he really is and it is so easy not to like him.

mallowcup

Your feelings and thoughts are valid and self preserving.

Missy

Thanks Mallowcup,

It feels real good that this is all the norm. I may have a good day afterall.

Minx1969

I looked up some domestic violence resources for your state:

http://www.womenslaw.org/WI/WI_links.htm

please call one of the hotlines and get some free counselling...

it's a first step towards YOU getting better..

you don't have to be physically abused to be abused..

Missy

Just got off the phone with my EAP conselor. Have an appointment for Monday. Just to get a Fix. AH hasnt called since about 8:30am. Maybe he left the face of the earth? hmmm.
did you ever just hate to go home? I shouldnt have to be the one to "get out" but our laws dont protect families of alcholics. How sad is that.
I just hope I can celebrate Easter for all the right reasons.

GettingFree

Hi Karen,

I am so sorry for the pain you're going through. It's awful to be under that kind of constant scrutiny and lack of trust and respect, not to mention all the other addictive behavior.

I have one question for you: what about your husband do you love? Is it love that keeps you with him? What are the qualities in a person you really admire and hope for in a loving relationship -- does he have them?

These are just questions as I know I mistook love for many other things. It's hard to make changes. I've been divorced twice. I understand the feeling of exhaustion, of just wanting things to be alright, of not wanting to fight for everything, of wanting things not to be a struggle to be happy.

But you are so unhappy now -- you speak of the fantasy of your husband getting killed as relief to the situation. Which makes perfect sense. I remember long ago when everything felt so extreme having a fantasy that I'd have a car accident just to be hospitalized so I could just stop everything.

The thing is this: it won't get better by staying. The path of least resistance usually leads to a path of self-destruction.

You do have a right to be happy. And to live a life without abuse.

Have you read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie? If not, pick up a copy. It might hlep.

best,
gf

elizabeth1979

Karen, you have choices, you can leave.
You dont have to be the martyr. Its not your job to stay in a relationship you dont want to be in.

I used to think like that too..you can be alone if you want to be alone MORE than you want to be needed.

Missy

I'ave read Co-dependant no more and will do that again. AH just called. Wanted to know when I was going to lunch... with whom and when I will be back.

Someone at work by accident closed a door before I got in. actually a friend of mine and I just started to tear up.
AH is so controlling I feel he is here when he isnt. I dont socialize much cuz I think he will find out.
Kinda freaking out now and I appoligize. I'll be better in a while.
I used to love my husband for a lot of reasons. Not sure anymore. He is more crazy than not these days. It is however getting easier to make a decission.
AH would freak if I walked. I'm just afraid he would hurt someone else.

LaTeeDa

Okay, put away the crystal ball. You cannot predict the future. But, even if he did, it WOULD NOT be your responsibility. He is an adult, no?

L

megamysterioso

According to my AH today, he will "bash someone's face in" after our divorce is finalized b/c "that's the type of person he REALLY is." In that case, I'm glad I'm getting out. It is not MY responsibility to "stop AH from doing that." He's an adult and is responsible for his own thinking and his own actions. I cannot be made to feel guilty for some poor sap out there that "may or may not" come across my AH. It's not my fault.

Missy

Have you ever slept with your clothes on just in case you had to leave?
MY AH tells me several times a week that he will find who I am sleeping with, kill him, his family me and then himself... I really dont think he is capbale of that. In the am. I dont think he even remembers saying what he does. But in the moment I want to return the favor first.
what have we done to make these mates think such stuff. Is the a norman A. Why cant they just drink and pass out...

megamysterioso

I have slept fully clothed with my keys and ATM card in my pocket and with a knife under my side of the mattress. Not a nice way of life. I don't think this is "normal" behavior for anyone. It is nothing we have done, it is the insecurities and paranoia of these particular men. I would never be unfaithful to my husband. I've never given him a reason to suspect otherwise.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... Im so glad you found us and can at least get a little support.

You know what, I have also been divorce twice ... and I did not want that either, I know how you feel... but sweetie this man is really sick and it will get alot worse if something does not change.

My ex use to tell me how he would take (Insert name, mine included) out into the woods and they would never be found again too... for him it was just talk, but you never know what people are capable of... If I were you I might want to think of a plan today, have money, keys, cloths etc stashed for a quick get a way situation.

I cant even imagine living under those conditions... and Im not sure why you are either, but even if you are choosing not to leave make sure your safe, figure out what you want and then put the boundries into place... and above all have at least one or so people know what is happening so you have support and someone knows ... I would also try a journal ... it helps in alot of different ways.

Please just keep posting, venting, learning and growing.... My prayers are with you hon... this is no kinda life to live.

Missy

Wow! LOL. I keep my purse in the trunk cus my AH loves to go through it like he is gonna find something. I have some stash $$$ in my drawer at work I can get to 24/7.
He has already followed me to my car naked and hung on.. that is what makes me laugh. Unfortunately there seems never anyone around when I need them

Missy

this is how it goes back and forth... Now he calls. Says he is going grocery shopping. wants a nice dinner and quiet night. Jeckel or Hyde.
Damn... they are good hey? hmmmm

GettingFree

Karen,

It took me a long time to realize why I stayed in unhappy and destructive relationships -- and to understand what pulled me into them in the first place. I was able to finally come to a place to see that hoping that someone else will change cannot be the source of my happiness. And I saw that focusing all my attention on others' s**t kept me from focusing on myself and starting on my own recovery so I could truly begin building a life that was far happier and content.

You are in a destructive relationship.
There are no indications that it is going to improve.
Yet you choose to stay.

You gotta ask why, when from all outside eyes, it seems there's very little to hold you there.

Having a look again at Codependent No More may be helpful. Another book you might want to look as well is The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. It's a great insight into how trauma or betrayal bonds are established and why as adults we stay locked in relationships with people who harm us.

gf

Missy

So Fri night I walked out and went to an al-anon meeting that I knew of. The recepitionist at the hospital where it was didnt know anything. Two women saw me and said they would show me where to go. I really must of looked pathetic. I said I really need al-anon tonight. One of the ladies said, "we will show you. We're alcholics"
I said " Don't come near me" and we all got a laugh out of that.

so last night I went to my regular meeting. They talked about resentment and anger. Came home and within 5 minutes my AH pulled me by my hooded sweatshirt and tore the hood. He went into the bedroom after I kept my mouth shut (what i learned that night in Alanon) 30 minutes later he came out and wanted me to come to bed with him. How sick?
I stayed on the couch fully clothed in case I had to do a quick exit. And here I read today all the crap that goes on.
Maybe this is all our fault. We allow all this stuff throughtout the country as I can see happen.
We need someone out there to sweep us up and take us to safety. Like I read before... Alcholics dont have relationships,,, they have hostages.
Ok. I vented now and feel better. Thanks for listening (reading)

megamysterioso

I'm glad you got to a meeting Karen and there is no excuse for him tearing your sweatshirt just like there is no excuse for my AH pulling out his gun and sticking it to his head. I am worried for you and you need to be making plans to get the heck out of there as soon as you can.

Although we can have people in our lives that "support" us, no one will come and swoop us away. It is truly up to US to put one foot in front of the other and find our own safe place. If we have to do all of this in secret then so be it. Our AH's canceled their rights to be notified about any plans we are making.

Missy

Our AH's canceled their rights to be notified about any plans we are making

This statement gives me confidence to move on.... thanks