emily33

I am so happy now that I am so focused on myself. I have chosen to stay out of his business and it has been a blessing.

I was so busy yesterday, I worked all day and I rushed home so I could go on my treadmill for atleast 45 minutes before I had to take my son to his hockey game. I was able to accomplish that. My youngest daughter went with me to my sons game, we got our butts kicked, but hey alot of our kids are first year bantams and it is a new team for the Spring league. The guys they were playing against seemed huge they must have been second year bantams, but wow what a difference, I wonder how many of them were close to the age 14.

Anyhow, while my son gets all his get up on, I have about 45 minutes before game time and I was starving, so I went to Burger King with my daughter, and I am on Weight Watchers so I have to be careful, but I saved 10 points for dinner and I ordered a Grilled chicken Sandwich with no condiments. (9 points) The reason I am saying that is because it feels really awesome to be on a diet and eat the things you want sometimes. I felt like I was cheating by going to Burger King, but I still stayed within my points for the day, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

We didnt get home until almost 8:30. My H called me into the garage, he is pacing back and forth, he is not talking right, he is shaking, it seemed like he was having a nervous break down of some sort. He had quit smoking 5 days ago and I guess while I was gone he blew it and smoked. Well if he blew and smoked why is he acting like this. He had been drinking I could tell.

Now this is where I am having trouble, I didnt care. I wanted him to straighten himself out he was acting like a freak. I didnt say that to him but I wanted to, and I was annoyed. He kept asking me what he should do, he mentioned to me that he has alot worse problems that he needs to address, even mentions to me about going to see my counselor with me next Monday. Talking about his drinking and his smoking, he admitted to me lastnight that it is alot deeper then the smoking and the drinking. He said something is wrong with me. I need help. He asked me to cancell going up north for Easter, he said he needed me right next to him and then he would be okay. I felt like he wants me to stay home and babysit him or something.

I stayed out of it, I just listened to him. I did tell him that I cant help him he has to help himself. I was very frustrated with his behavior lastnight, I cant explain it. He is having a breakdown and instead of being compassionate or understanding, I was annoyed by this kind of behavior. I wanted to shake him and say get it together. He wanted me to hold him and I wanted to run.

I tried to be understanding, I listened and didnt say anything negative, but I am sure he could tell I was annoyed.

I did tell him that I am going up north with the kids and he is welcome to come with me if he chooses, I told him I am leaving early from work Friday and I am heading north, I have plans with my family at 6:00, we are going to go for a walk by the bay, if weather permitting and I think it is suppose to be gorgeous think weekend.

I honestly dont care if he comes or not. I am feeling a little guilt by what he said and leaving him home, but not enough to stay home. I am going and I am leaving as planned, I am going home tonight and packing everything in the van tonight. I want to go home from work tomorrow and pick up the kids and my golden and head out right away.

cwohio

you keep at your recovery emily. misery loves company and that's the manipulation coming into play. if he wants counseling then he is an adult and can look into that for himself. why does he think he has to piggyback onto your therapy session?

you're doing well with your detachment - not getting sucked in - it feels different because it's not a mode we are used to at first.

Jazzman

A benefit of detachment done right. He's no longer the focus. Your lives are going on w/out him even though you're in the same house. He feels left out. Puts him in panic mode. He's starting to think.....

ASpouse

Yes, I agree with Jazz and Chris. This has nothing to do with quitting smoking or anything else ...... he is "feeling" the detachment and he is becoming squirmy.

splendra

(((emily)))

emily33

I have already decided that he cant come to my counseling sessions, if he wants to he can find his own counselor and get help for himself.

I am not going to help him find one, he can do that. I did it for me. I honestly think he was just blowing off hot air and trying to get attention.

I am going to get a little wierd here.

But I think that I lacked attention, during childhood (one of out eight kids), the only attention I got was negative attention. I think something that I really needed to work on myself was gaining positive attention.

I am getting that positive attention, it took me 40 years, but hey. Since I have been doing good things for myself and focusing on me, it has given me a brighter outlook, it has made me feel happy inside. Since I feel happy inside I think that somehow on the outside it is showing. My conversations with what I use to call the outside world is now part of my world and they are not about my H, they are about things I am doing and enjoying, for that I am grateful, and because of that glow, I am making friends, friends that are knowing me for me and it feels good. I feel like a part of things, outside of him and all the problems he has. I have discovered I dont have these problems he does, I have different problems but ones that I am recognizing and working on.

pmaslan

Emily, I am so proud of you!!!!
You have come such a long way since I first met you here.
Everyone is right, your H is in panic mode becasue he is feeling the
lose of something he once thought was in the palm of his hand.
I love how you are detaching. I love how you are taking care of yourself.
You deserve this weekend with your family and if he wants to stay home
alone I say no big lose.....Yeeeaaaahhhhh Emily!!!!!!

cupowater

You HAVE come a long way! You got Me all excited just reading your post! You go and have a wonderful time. Wish I could take that walk you are talking about! :bun5

elizabeth1979

Emily you rock!
You know hes just baffled because he likes the old you. The Emily that was all bent out of shape over what to do over him. He doesnt like the new Emily as much, because you are showing with every day that your happiness is about you, that takes away his power. If he cant control your emmtions and actions, he cant control you..

You are fabulous!
You go girl!

megamysterioso

Good for you Emily! I don't think you are not compassionate, you've just had it with having to be the "strong one," the "sensible one"-- you are no longer enabling him during his "breakdowns" and that is a WONDERFUL thing. Have a great Easter weekend up north. You deserve a rest from his drama that he's putting on you and urging you to take in your hands.