StandingStrong

I've been connecting alot of dots lately as to where I believe my codependant tendencies came into play. I, by no means, am saying that I'm a qualified professional to diagnose myself - lol - but I've really been doing a lot of thinking and sorting, and getting really honest with myself. And I believe that I've come up with a lot of answers - answers that really make sense to me.

A couple of years ago, I was having an intense conversation with someone. (Okay, I was upset) and while I don't really recall the conversation as a whole, I do recall yelling "I'm always by myself!!!". After that conversation, I sat stunned. I called my best friend and told her about the conversation as I realized that the words I'd yelled out in pain and anger were the truth. I have spent ALOT of time alone my entire life!!! I think that was the beginning of something - the beginning of really looking at my life and whatnot.

I was thinking about this again last night. Remembering just how alone I was - how alone I felt - as well as just how much time I spent by myself. And I realized that it was having been so alone physically as well as feeling so alone mentally - that probably allowed me to accept the countless nights that ah was not home. I didn't like that he wasn't home - I mentioned it to him and told him how I felt - but it was something that I was used too. I hadn't liked it as a child - I didn't like it as an adult - but while I didn't like it - it was normal to me. So I think I accepted it more readily than if I'd not had so much time alone when I was growing up.

Another thing about having spent so much time alone is that there is so much more to it.

My Mom and Dad both had alcholic fathers which affected them differently. I didn't realize this as a child as I knew no better. Now that I've been reading and educating myself - I can see the red flags all over the place.
My Mom was taught not to show emotion. Therefore, I don't recall her ever hugging me, kissing me, telling me she loved me, or comforting me when I was hurting. I realize now that is called 'being emotionally unavailable'. Even when I (or others) tried to show my mom affection, she was stiff and uncomfortable. She will even tell you that she does not like to be touched. The lack of sex was also another issue that rang through our house. My mom was usually with her sister - but mostly she was with her parents (that lived 2 houses up from us).

It was not uncommon for me to come home to an empty house after school, not uncommon for me to not know for sure where she was or when she'd be home. Actually, I still remember the first day that she didn't show up at the school to pick me up - I had been in kindergarten or first grade. I was petrified and worried. Afraid to stay at the school, afraid I'd get in trouble if I left. I finally RAN all the way home - and had to cross a highway to do so. I was afraid and panicked. I reached home to discover that my mom was not home. I then RAN to my Grandparent's house where my mom sat talking with my grandma as though nothing was wrong. I don't recall the exact conversation, but I do know that when I said something to her about not having come to get me - she just basically blew it off as though it weren't a big deal.

My Dad, on the other hand, was a worry wart. I always knew growing up that my Dad loved me. However, he worked 2nd shift most of my youth and so he was basicallly a weekend Dad. But I do recall him spending time with me - taking me fishing, etc. My Dad hardly ever spanked me either - he had "talks" with me (and my brother) when we had done something wrong. My brother and I always thought we'd prefer the spanking - the talks were awful. When he was done, you felt an inch tall.

My parents fought alot too. At age 8, I was diagnosed with a nerve ulcer brought about by stress. At age 10, I remember begging my parents to divorce as I just couldn't bear the arguing anymore. I never could figure out how or why they ended up together - and still haven't figured it out, lol. I remember too that there were a few times in high school as well as since I've been married over the years, that my Dad has even offered my mom money to leave. She always told me it was because of the lack of sex - acting as though that was really the only thing they argued about.

Add in the fact that my brother got married at a young age - had 2 kids - his wife left him - and so his kids came to stay with us. This caused more tension between my parents - but I had alot of time with my neice and nephew. My brother worked 2nd and 3rd shifts, so the kids basically stayed with us and my brother would see them for a few hours a day. I remember when he got married - I was so hurt. I felt like those kids had been taken away from me as they moved back to their own home now they had a stepmother. Not only did I feel cheated, as they were more like my own brother and sister than my own brother was (big age gap between brother and I) but I missed them terribly. And I was again, alone.

I could write more but I'm betting you are grasping the idea now.

Ah was physically and emotionally unavailable most of the time.
I felt hurt - and alone.
Countless nights I had no idea where he was or when he was coming home.
I was stressed - As an adult, I went through phases of being extremely underweight to more recently in the past 5 years having what I refer to as "stress bubbles" as I don't recall the technical medical word.
Ah is verbally abusive - making me feel an inch tall, if that sometimes.
The drinking and the friends took ah away from me - just like my brother's remarriage had taken my neice and nephew away.

Interesting sidenote - I also remember always having felt not as good as my brother. I remember hearing about how my brother's room was always cleaner than mine, how things came easier to my brother than me and he had better grades than me. And as a kid, I remember my brother playing football (and he was good), etc.
I, too, was involved in sports. Not only band (played the same instrument he did), but also cheerleading, majorette, flag corp, softball, etc etc etc. And how often did my parents come see me perform? Rarely - when I'd beg or make them feel guilty apparently. LOL. I remember one year having tried out for something and didn't make the position. My mom's reply, "Well, I'm not surprised. You didn't practice as much as you have before" (or something like that). No empathy, no heartfelt condolense, etc. Simply made me feel like I'd not gave it enough effort.
Again - these are just some of the examples.
And this last one was to point out how I never felt good enough - or felt that I compared - etc.
Which again, made it pretty normal for me to feel like I wasn't good enough that ah was drinking - it must be me - I must not be doing something right or trying hard enough. (Yes, I used to think all those things from the "I'm not pretty enough", "he's doesn't want me to be around", "he's ashamed of me", etc - HE never said those things - THAT was the committee in my head speaking. That committee headed up by low self esteem and codependant thinking).

Ya know - I have always hated when I hear people blaming their parents for the way that they turned out. Whether it be the criminal or the one that was just a spoiled brat that needs someone other than themselves to blame. I guess I feel that once you reach a certain age and wisdom - there is no excuse anymore to pass the blame to their parents. As adults, we are responsible for our lives. And while not always the case, I also believe that our parents (as we do) often times do the best that they can with what they know and what they have.
In looking back and trying to connect the dots, I realize that the vicious cycle of alcoholism did fall down through the tree unto me. My parents were affected firsthand from the alcohol abuse - I was affected by the way it had affected them - and I have participated by allowing my own issues to affect my children. But now that I look back, I know that I did the best that I could do at the time - but now, that I have the age and the wisdom to know better, I can only hope to improve and do better.
However - I am seeing the dots being connected. I've felt alot with ah the very way that I have for a very long time - practically my whole life. I read in a book once about how it's not so much that we pick a person like our parents - but that we pick a person where our steps feel like they fit with the steps of the other person (as in the dance we've always done). And that makes sense to me now.
As a child, I had no choice in how my life went - there wasn't a whole lot I could do about my own situation. As an adult, I didn't know how to do otherwise. I see now that I do have choices and the road is open for me to take whatever route I choose.
I wanted to tell you about ah and my history - but I think I've shared too much as it is. Point being - I'm connecting the dots and it's painful. And I feel a lot of anger too.

So this is where I am now. Just thought I'd update.

minnie

Wow!! THAT is why I still come to SR.

Understanding my own past (not that of the alcoholic) was, and will continue to be, the key for me. As you say, it's not about blame in the slightest. I'm not a victim - I have simply been shaped by my environment. And in order to live my life in the way I choose, I need to understand what drives me and why. I have found that the process of shining a light on those seemingly buried areas of my personality enables me to see if they are appropriate for this part of my journey. And to do something about them if they aren't.

Emotional unavailability of parents? Common thread in "dysfunctional behaviour" of any kind from what I can tell. And that scenario doesn't have to stem from addiction - I have shared before on here about my Mum having severe PND and my Dad coming from a very emotionally repressed home which created a similar situation.

I wish I didn't have to get up and go to work now - I could talk about this for hours.

ICU

SS,

Many parts of your story could have been mine...just flip the parental characteristics. I never remember my father hugging, me etc. and my Mom was the worry wart!

I too have been doing what you're doing. My mission was to find out why did I accept so much unacceptable from my ex? Because I was used to it...didn't like it...but was used to it.

I think there's a difference between adults 'blaming' their behavior on someone else (like their parents) and 'researching' one's own history. In my case, for awhile, I did blame my parents. As time went on, I realized they were human and therefore no more perfect than I was. (It's funny to see the word 'perfect' and 'I' in the same sentence!! LOL).

Many of my actions and choices have been based on lack of sufficient coping skills. Well, generally speaking, where do people get the foundation of their coping skills? From their parents, or the people raising them, right? If the parents don't have good coping skills, then how can they pass on to you something they themselves don't possess! That's when I became more forgiving of them.

I think the connections you are making within yourself and your history are great! It does bring up many hidden or lost and forgotten memories and feelings though. But I look at it this way, it's an opportunity to understand those issues better and learn from them on a conscious level vs. just reacting and making the same mistakes subconcsiously.

Jazzman

This kind of honest soul searching I have found to be of tremendous value. How else would you know what to work on so that learned behaviors are not repeated and most importantly, NOT passed on to the next generation. Over the years my Sister and I have come to terms w/ the environment we were raised in.

Now to just put this into practice...
I could certainly be better at that.

BayouSelf

Surely we were raised by the same parents and just don't know it. You just wrote my story word for word and I never realized what kind of effect my parents had on me or why I was the way I was. Emotionally unavailable parents? I never thought of it like that. That just hit the nail on the head and me being alone ALL the time growing up explains so much. Thanks so much for the "lightbulb moment". It really made me see a lot of things in my own family life and makes me undertsand a lot. Great topic! This site is doing wonders for the healing process.

equus

My parents just didn't (parent I mean). I have an iconic memory. I had been prescribed glasses but refused to wear them and used to just take them in my bag. Six months later my Mum found them and accused me of stealing somebody's glasses!! PHEW!! I told her they were there by mistake and I was taking them back the next day - she never remembered they were mine!

My Dad just had his own worries and often worked away.

I blame my parents for the way I turned out, loyal, affectionate, resiliant, strong, and caring. I suppose blame is the wrong word really!

I don't feel as though my past has effected me half as much as what I wanted for my future, I try to work towards where I'm going and just learn what I can from where I've been.

elizabeth1979

This is terrific!
Sorting thorugh our past to determine our behavior and what has helped mold us is so benficial for change and acceptance!
Ive done alot of this myself and its hard to deal with, but the only way I can really grow.
Im proud of you SS! It takes alot of work for us to work on ourselves!

DesertEyes

Awesome post. Those "dots" seem to working for you real well. Your story is a lot like mine. Thanx for such an inspiring post.

Mike :-)