Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?
 

I’m new here, so please bear with my rambling.

Which comes first the chicken or the egg? Or in my husband’s case the alcoholism or the mental illness. Impossible for me to tell. My husband is the son of an abusive alcoholic. Several siblings are alcoholics and at least 2 others have severe mental disorders and alcoholism. We don't know about the mental health of the rest. A psychiatrist’s refusal to treat him until has 30 days of sobriety is not working. He drinks to relieve his anxiety. His medication is not working for the anxiety disorder, the alcohol certainly interferes with the medication. His is not a physical addition to alcohol. He was sent home early from detox because he had no withdrawal symptoms. I believe that in order for treatment to work for him, it has to address both the psychological addiction and the mental illness.

Currently, he is not functioning. He spends most of his day in bed. He hates what he is right now (alcoholic, unemployed, panicky, depressed), yet lacks the mental will or strength to fight. He pledges to get help. He outlines his plan for sobriety, but cannot or will not follow through. He was allegedly to enter inpatient, but can’t get a bed until next month. I say allegedly, because he is “always going to start treatment.” He is supposed to go to outpatient starting this week, but the days and hospital that he said he is going to, doesn’t have it those days and times. He has a plethora of reasons why he can’t do it today. It is always tomorrow (which of course never comes). He lost his job after having an anxiety attack at work.

Talk about dependent. For awhile he was using my credit cards at the local tavern, without my knowledge or authorization. He is not on any of my accounts. The local tavern rang up hundreds on my credit cards without having the card and without an authorized user. They assumed he was authorized (his name is not on the card) and he didn’t have a card. In fact, most of my cards are in my maiden name. I read them the riot act, threatened legal action, and changed all my credit card numbers. Then the tavern started letting him run tabs, expecting that I would come into pay. I told them if they were stupid enough to run a tab for him, then they can bite the loss. He can’t drink if I don’t give him the money; so he said he needed $20 for the co-pay for his doctor. After a couple times, I saw this was a lie. The doctor billed for the co-pay. I am not obligated to fund his addiction. I don’t trust him with money, because any time he has $20 he will end up at the tavern. I don’t carry more than $10 (never have) and now hide my wallet at night. Starting today, no work=no money for booze. It might get ugly. He has been ill-tempered when I wouldn’t give him money before. He sometimes tries to blame me, but I’m not falling for that. I am not responsible for his drinking, it started when he was 10 or 12 or his mental illness. He gets mad and tells me to leave, until I remind him that it is my house. Then he suddenly backs down. We shall see what happens now. I have not lost hope. Yet.

Dear Nutty,
As for the chicken or the egg thing, it is probably hard to tell. Only a qualified mental health care professional could answer that. Or maybe answer that. Probably one compounds the other, though.
Your approach to your problem is right on though. Not that you need my approval. I just to offer you encouragement. Are you attending meetings of The Al-Anon Family Groups? If that is none of my business, feel free to tell me so. I wish you well.
Jim

((((Nuttty)))

Welcome to sober recovery!! Wow I hope you stick around you sound really strong!!!

Keep posting and stay strong girlfriend!!!

Hi Nutty,

I am going through something very simular with my dad right now. He is very depressed, and I am 99% sure he is Bipolar, however has never gotten treatment or help. He has been an alcoholic all of my life (25 years now), and in the last few months went into a deep depression, began drinking heavily again (he had been sober for almost 1 1/2 years), stopped working and lost his home. He is currently living with me, and I want to support him any way I can- as long as he is getting help and not drinking. In the last 2 months he has had alcohol on at least 4 occassions that I know of. He says that he is so upset, depressed, anxious, angry, etc. that he can't stand how he feels and has to "numb" the pain. Yes, I know that is not an excuse, however I do feel that he will not successfully quit the alcohol untill the depression is better controlled. I also no longer give him money- I was giving him $5 here and $5 there for gas or things, and I found him to use that to drink. I know that if he really wants a drink, lack of money will not stop him. However I have no intention of making it easier for him.

He has his first appointment with the psych doctor next week and will hopefully begin to get some help. He also went back to his first AA meeting in several months today. He has been doing some reading, 1 book in particular has been helpful to him "Reinventing Your Life". He has begun to learn healthier ways to cope with those negative feelings instead of turning to alcohol right away. Ultimately he is the only one that can change, he is the only one that can make that choice.

Alanon is also very helpful for many, have you been to any meetings to see if this would help you? I myself do not go, I have been to a few meetings but I have a really difficult time with groups. But I do know that it is a great program that has helped lots of people.

Take care
Jessica

Not sure
 

I'm not sure if I want Al-Anon. I don't like overt religion and it seems to have that. I am in a support group with NAMI (for family members of someone with a mental illness) which is very helpful. And it has been an eye opener about how the system handles (or doesn't handle) those with mental illnesses.

Nutty,

Just my 2 cents worth... in Al Anon they speak of a Higher Power. The Higher Power is different for each person who goes. Some can easily use the God of their religion. Others have been known to use the group itself as their higher power. I've known of atheists and agnostics who have found the support & friendships found in the program to be very beneficial.

Hugs
Barb

Like Barb said, Alanon doesn't really talk about "God" but of a higher power, whatever that may be for you. Maybe you could try just 1 meeting and see how it feels for you. If you feel that it is too religious for you, you don't have to go back. But you may find that it is something you could really benefit from! You never know untill you try.

That is good you are receiving support of some kind. NAMI is a very good organization. I have seen first hand as both a patient and as a professional how mental illness is handled by "the system". I have been receiving treatment for my own "mental issues" for several years, and also have worked in the healthcare field for over 7 years. I am a huge advocate for mental health issues and treatment, and my long term goal is to specialize in geratric (elderly) mental health.

Keep in touch!
Jessica

Sorry for all this you're going through, but I think that needs to be sober before he can possibly tackle any of his mental health issues. I gathered you feel the same way too- inpatient would be a great start if he will ACTUALLY go next month. Kudos to you for no longer funding his drinking! Check out www.empoweredrecovery.com for more info on the addiction part if you'd like. There's a free e-book for download and the approach is somewhat different from Al-Anon. It will not provide you help for the mental health side though, but it is a great read for anyone living with an addict of any kind.

Welcome Nutty

That was my thinking, too. I decided to go in with an open mind and I am glad I did. You will always meet people there who see it from a more religious point of view, but it doesn't have to be that way for you. And you will meet many people who think the way you do. So I'm only saying don't let the over religion question hold you back from what might be a great source of strength and hope. i have made some very, very good friends there.

I don't thing you can assume that your AH does not have a physical addiction to alcohol just because he did not have withdrawal symptoms. Most professionals agree it is not possible to treat an underyling psychological problem without eliminating the addiction first. It's true a lot of alcoholics drink to relieve their anxiety, but they can't address the anxiety until the chemical is removed. Otherwise, you're dealing with a chemically impaired brain. There are people who believe otherwise, but my opinion is the drinking has to stop before the anxiety, etc. can be addressed.

You do sound like a very strong person, good luck to you and keep posting.

Nutty, Welcome to SR, I am so glad you found us.
I just want to add, some Al-Anon meetings sorta use God a lot, and others are pretty
normal, It is good to try at least 6 meetings, different times, different places, different days, before we rule it out.
My Higher Power is the group,and Mother Nature, but I think AA and Al-Anon are the greatest.
Most say 2 prayers, but no one is required to say them.
Our programs are suggestive only, and remember to just take what you can use and leave the rest, both in meetings and here at SR.
Keep comeing back.

I think that he needs to be in therapy for both issues at the same time.

My AH does like more overt religion than I do. There is a church here that caters to people in recovery. They have AA, GA, OA, NA, family meetings and activities to steer people away from self-destructive behaviors, particularly on weekends evenings. The pastor is more able than some to counsel as he can draw on his personal experience as an alcoholic. And the congregation is certainly isn't as judgemental as you find at some churches.