ASpouse

Watching it unfold right before my eyes, I've seen, as an audience member, the manipulation of alcoholic and enablers.

My brother in law last week finally asked his father for help. He said he couldn't take it anymore. So, FIL found a good rehab facility that would take him.

Ah, but here's the kicker. Where he works, he was going to lose his job, they were going to hold a hearing and basically fire him. He is the sole support for his family .... wife, son, sons girlfriend and baby. He does not make enough money to support them all and the house.

So, FIL goes to the hearing and speaks on his son's behalf. Give his AA speaker speech (not a bad thing at all) and they agree that if he gets help, they will allow him to keep his benefits, pay him 40% of his pay and get 60% State disability. He would also get an extended leave for 3 - 6 months with monthly check ups. Not a bad deal.

So he checks into rehab, detoxes quickly and spends 3 days or so doing the rehab thing, meetings etc. The doctor at the rehab says the prescription drugs he is taking is worse than any amount of booze he drinks. So the rehab doctor calls his family doctor and they discuss his case and the rehab doctor asks the other doctor to change his meds, and advises him what he thinks they should be. His family doctor says "Nope, I'm not changing the meds."

Today he is home, he left. My FIL asked him if he was going to a meeting tonight and his response was "I've had 10 hours a day of that crap and God stuff, no I'm not going to a meeting". He says he's going back to work on Monday.

He simply doesn't get it and his needy, enabling co-dependent family will only make this entire situation worse.

The manipulation: asking his RAF for help getting into rehab (he knew he would help him) knowing that he would go to help him save his job. Even A's can be enablers .... I knew this, just never saw it in action.

Talk about wanting to slap someone. This is the one reason why I do not help an alcoholic. I know I'm mean and horrible, but to be so blatantly manipulated would send me reeling! The entire thing is so disgusting.

elizabeth1979

It is disgusting I agree.
Not the voice of someone who wants recovery.

Hmm. One of the worst enabler i know, IMO worse than even me, at my lowest point...is an alcoholic.

Well, it may not make it worse, but it doesnt sound like its gonna help.

sunshine003

I guess it can happen to the best of us.

I've often wondered if I'd "help" my ah. I don't think I would. I think I have such little faith/trust in him that if he asked for help, I'd wonder what was really going on. sad but true.

TomsGirl

This is the one reason why I do not help an alcoholic. I know I'm mean and horrible, but to be so blatantly manipulated would send me reeling!

You're not mean Judy, you've learned from experience. You know the saying "God help he who helps himself." Well I know I'm not God, so there you go.

minnie

((((Judy))))

One day I'll show you where to find this played out on SR over 5 months. It really is the most shattering experience - rocked my faith in humanity to the core.

The thing is, I gave him the method - he knew that I would give him a chance if he was "in recovery" and he could delay the inevitable, which was me leaving, for a bit longer. That feeling of being used still hangs around like a bad smell sometimes.

I will never put myself in that position again. Passing on phone numbers is probably my limit.

equus

I don't try to help people who are suicidal. My limit is to pass on numbers!! That's NOT because I think they don't need help or because I think it's wrong - it's because my own past and attitude gets in the way and means I'm no help at all. I've felt mean about that so many times - but I keep to it because when I think about it I'm sure it isn't mean, it would be very arrogant to just ignore the fact I'm rather useless at it. The thing is it's not about them - it's about me.

I helped D - no regrets, most people get help with addiction - someone, somewhere helps. I could post extensive references that show family help improves the odds but that needs to be read with the understanding many still wind up back in addiction.

It may be that I'm not listening enough but it sounds to me as though your emotional response to this is maybe not all down to what your BIL has done? After all, he's said he's not going to a meeting and doesn't like the god stuff - he is returning to work which matters as he is the breadwinner. If offering numbers is acceptable perhaps it might be worth passing on the link of alternatives that aren't based on faith? Ok, maybe that's not the right thing for you - and you do matter.

My experience does flavour my response here, we both know that but when I first read this my mind actually went to our first counsellor Becka. Becka was doing a master's degree and probably did need some hands on experience - however she worked as a volunteer 40 hours per week!!! That was on top of study and part time work to keep herself. For 40 hours a week she helped people with alcohol problems - not 'A's, she most definately helped people - some of whom were addicted.

Becka was the first person that told me D almost certainly did need my help - that was such a relief!! To have it said, laid bare and out in the open, to not be seen as 'wrong' for what I couldn't ignore in our lives. THAT felt like the end of denial to me - that was the end of denial as other folk like his doc and my doc began to say the same thing.

What she did for D was see the person, and like a terrier on a rubber pull - she stayed in the positive, she didn't let go of the positive. We had other counsellors who's pride and judgement always seemed on the line but hers wasn't, she didn't 'react' to things going wrong - she just worked with what was.

I don't know what to say about the person who worked 40 hours a week for no pay to help people who were drunk. She was happy, she said she loved it, she said we didn't even need to give her the small thank you present of a print. She was one of the most remarkable people I have had the pleasure to meet, her impact on our lives will never be forgotten. I know she gave us the tools to get through harder stuff that happened after she had left.

Maybe it's knowing how to help that makes the difference and maybe it's knowing how to accept helping won't always lead to success. I don't think she needed her help to work with D in order to be ok with it - I think some of the other counsellors did and it showed in their anger.

I still don't try to help people who are suicidal!! I pass on numbers and freely admit it's because I can't deal with it, but I don't try to be all things.

It's ok to back off, but maybe it's worth knowing not everything can be generalised.