Pink Cloud romances
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: culver city, ca
Posts: 1
Pink Cloud romances
Hi, Mintoo the spouse of a recovering alcoholic and a daughter of a recovering alcoholic. My husband has had a drinking problem for a while. I've been going to al-anon once a week and have a sponser. He went into Betty Ford and met a lot of people. One of which was a woman that he felt comfortable sharing with... within days he formed a "romantic" relationship. She lives in India and they have been having this emotional affair for almost 3 months. He will be going to India in May. We have had a lot of issues and problems in the marriage, mostly brought about by his drinking - the more he drank, the angrier I got... I became the cop - I hurt him with words, by disrespecting him and pushing him away... all the while hoping that he would get the message and get out of denial... we have 2 children. Not the right way of showing my love... of course, in my mind, I wasn't the one with the problem... eventhough I had been in al-anon before - I thought I knew everything and didn't need to attend.
In his third week at BFC, after already instigating this relationship with this woman, he expressed that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me...coincidence? I understand that he grew lonely and because of our history and may have not been able to talk with me, but he chose to continue this relationship. While in BF's Residential Day Treatment, he expressed that we should separate for a while because he was unsure of his feelings for me. In the meanwhile, he was making plans on visiting India (we are of Indian descent), using a business venture as his primary goal, but he clearly was hoping for the fringe benefit of being with her. When he returned home, he pushed me away further and fell deeper into involvement with this woman via email and daily phone calls. They had codenames, he created a special email account so that he could secretly carry on this relationship. I asked him several times if there was more than friendship in the works, but kept on denying and hiding it. Finally, through snooping (I know it was wrong), I found an email he was drafting to her. He proclaimed that she has his heart and soul and that he has no relationship with me, so he can pursue being with her, since his marriage will not work.
Has anyone experienced this? Has your significant other strayed and come back after the pink cloud phenomena has ended? What is the success rate? I will be working with a counselor to take care of me and the kids and to let him go... he has such a strong hold of my heart and I want to heal.
Can someone answer these questions for me?
In his third week at BFC, after already instigating this relationship with this woman, he expressed that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me...coincidence? I understand that he grew lonely and because of our history and may have not been able to talk with me, but he chose to continue this relationship. While in BF's Residential Day Treatment, he expressed that we should separate for a while because he was unsure of his feelings for me. In the meanwhile, he was making plans on visiting India (we are of Indian descent), using a business venture as his primary goal, but he clearly was hoping for the fringe benefit of being with her. When he returned home, he pushed me away further and fell deeper into involvement with this woman via email and daily phone calls. They had codenames, he created a special email account so that he could secretly carry on this relationship. I asked him several times if there was more than friendship in the works, but kept on denying and hiding it. Finally, through snooping (I know it was wrong), I found an email he was drafting to her. He proclaimed that she has his heart and soul and that he has no relationship with me, so he can pursue being with her, since his marriage will not work.
Has anyone experienced this? Has your significant other strayed and come back after the pink cloud phenomena has ended? What is the success rate? I will be working with a counselor to take care of me and the kids and to let him go... he has such a strong hold of my heart and I want to heal.
Can someone answer these questions for me?
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Welcome to SR mintoo. I do not have any personal experience with this myself, but I'm sure others will be along shortly to share their own stories.
Apparently, you really want your relationship with him to work despite the fact of this "affair." If infidelity is not a deal-breaker for you, then I really wouldn't sweat it. Chances are when the initial infatuation fades, he will probably be back at your doorstep. Is that really what you want? In the meantime, you should do you best to carry on with your own life and ask yourself some tough questions. I guess you will be doing this with counseling. Do not plan your entire future on whether or not he will come running back. Pursue what YOU want to pursue for YOU. If he happens to come back, then OK. If not, you'll have to move on and you'll probably be happier b/c of it.
Apparently, you really want your relationship with him to work despite the fact of this "affair." If infidelity is not a deal-breaker for you, then I really wouldn't sweat it. Chances are when the initial infatuation fades, he will probably be back at your doorstep. Is that really what you want? In the meantime, you should do you best to carry on with your own life and ask yourself some tough questions. I guess you will be doing this with counseling. Do not plan your entire future on whether or not he will come running back. Pursue what YOU want to pursue for YOU. If he happens to come back, then OK. If not, you'll have to move on and you'll probably be happier b/c of it.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Hi mintoo... Welcome to SR, this is the greatest site ever, it really is, but that will be hard for you to believe, as you received only one reply. I am so sorry about that.
These Pink Cloud romances happen way to often, and megamysterioso's reply sorta covered it. It hurts so very much. Some come back, some don't. Rotton to not know. However these things happen in non-drinking homes, and even with ministers etc.
You had an A parent and you attend Al-Anon, so you have the tools , so nothing I can add, except read all the posts and sticky's at top etc.
(Thanks Meg, you are great with the welcomes, you know how much that is needed, and your reply's are great, keep up the good work and Thanks for being here)
mintoo ..keep coming back. HUGS
These Pink Cloud romances happen way to often, and megamysterioso's reply sorta covered it. It hurts so very much. Some come back, some don't. Rotton to not know. However these things happen in non-drinking homes, and even with ministers etc.
You had an A parent and you attend Al-Anon, so you have the tools , so nothing I can add, except read all the posts and sticky's at top etc.
(Thanks Meg, you are great with the welcomes, you know how much that is needed, and your reply's are great, keep up the good work and Thanks for being here)
mintoo ..keep coming back. HUGS
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Awwww- thanks Clancy46! There's no other forum I'd rather be a part of.
Mintoo, I do hope that you will stick around and continue to read and post. There is so much useful information here. There is also a great deal of support and understanding. Have a great weekend.
Mintoo, I do hope that you will stick around and continue to read and post. There is so much useful information here. There is also a great deal of support and understanding. Have a great weekend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
hi minto
i'm really sorry to hear you are going through with this. i don't have much experience with someone in recovery having an affair; i would guess it's about the same whether they're in or out of recovery. that means, who knows? it's hard to deal with but in the end i try to remember that what someone else, including my AH, does is their choice. my choice is to not accept that behavior in my life.
good luck to you and keep coming back.
i'm really sorry to hear you are going through with this. i don't have much experience with someone in recovery having an affair; i would guess it's about the same whether they're in or out of recovery. that means, who knows? it's hard to deal with but in the end i try to remember that what someone else, including my AH, does is their choice. my choice is to not accept that behavior in my life.
good luck to you and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: North America
Posts: 60
Dear Minto,
My husband also hooked up with a woman during his treatment program. They are now living together.
I do not know if he will come back after this romance fails. I do not know if I want him back. Intellectually, I know that it would be self-destructive to think of taking him back, but we have two children and I still love him. However, the longer I am away from him, the easier it is for me to see how damaging our relationship was to me and our children.
Only time will tell if he will return or if you will want him back. In the meantime, work on yourself, move through the pain, and know that you can make a better life for yourself and your children.
I know this is what everyone says. When I first posted here, I wanted someone to tell me everything would be okay and that I could put my family back together. They all told me to work on myslef. Gosh was that frustrating, but as time passed I realize that it was exactly what I needed to do. I do have choices in life and so do you.
Take care and post frequently. People will respond. There are many, many of us who are in the same situation as you.
(((hugs)))
IDK
My husband also hooked up with a woman during his treatment program. They are now living together.
I do not know if he will come back after this romance fails. I do not know if I want him back. Intellectually, I know that it would be self-destructive to think of taking him back, but we have two children and I still love him. However, the longer I am away from him, the easier it is for me to see how damaging our relationship was to me and our children.
Only time will tell if he will return or if you will want him back. In the meantime, work on yourself, move through the pain, and know that you can make a better life for yourself and your children.
I know this is what everyone says. When I first posted here, I wanted someone to tell me everything would be okay and that I could put my family back together. They all told me to work on myslef. Gosh was that frustrating, but as time passed I realize that it was exactly what I needed to do. I do have choices in life and so do you.
Take care and post frequently. People will respond. There are many, many of us who are in the same situation as you.
(((hugs)))
IDK
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: sewell nj
Posts: 5
Mintoo...
You aren't the only one. I posted a prev thread on the Nar-anon sight. I recently found letters to my husband from a woman in his rehab...long story. I am not sure if it stopped at letters, I have my doubts b/c I have been lied to and hurt for so long. I do love my husband and wish that our children and I could return to out normal lives with him, but then I think, will it ever be normal again? He is 90 days clean, living in a recovery house with 7 other men. Do I trust him? NO!! Can I change the choices he makes? No. The only thing I can do is work on my own recovery. I have learned that dealing with him and his problems resulted in me being just as sick as he is. Don't lose hope, you do what you think is best for you. The rest will follow. Take care...keep posting...there are alot of people here who care.
You aren't the only one. I posted a prev thread on the Nar-anon sight. I recently found letters to my husband from a woman in his rehab...long story. I am not sure if it stopped at letters, I have my doubts b/c I have been lied to and hurt for so long. I do love my husband and wish that our children and I could return to out normal lives with him, but then I think, will it ever be normal again? He is 90 days clean, living in a recovery house with 7 other men. Do I trust him? NO!! Can I change the choices he makes? No. The only thing I can do is work on my own recovery. I have learned that dealing with him and his problems resulted in me being just as sick as he is. Don't lose hope, you do what you think is best for you. The rest will follow. Take care...keep posting...there are alot of people here who care.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Does it really matter whether others on this forum took their cheating spouses back? All that matters is whether or not you are willing to tolerate this type of behavior in the future. Because if you take him back, he will certainly repeat it. I've learned to judge a person's future behavior by their past behavior.
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
I know exactly what you are going through because I am living the exact thing right now. As much as it hurts, it's probably the best thing that ever could have happened. I couldn't get rid of his sorry butt on my own. I knew he'd eventually have to meet someone else to be able to move on unfortunately and I knew it would hurt when it happened and it did and it does hurt. Please pull up all of my most recent posts to get some insight on what it is what I'm doing to try to help me through all of this. It was only two days ago that I found out my AH was living with another A female from his AA group. He informed me that he's in love. Wow, that only took a few weeks for him to fall in love and he's still been calling me. What kind of love is that? I don't think I want any part of that kind of love. I am really doing great thanks to my Al-Anon friends and family. Things will get better for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
The Rehab Romance
Yep, tit happened to me too. Wife met another drunk in rehab and had an affair. Blew up her marriage, and lost everything.
She is at her parents home now, but I hear they still talk.
The is no other love like the love of one drunk for another!
She is at her parents home now, but I hear they still talk.
The is no other love like the love of one drunk for another!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 48
I can only say that my name "stilltrying" isn't appropriate anymore. I went through my AH (almost XAH) having an affair with a woman in AA. Tried to forgive him and realized he was nothing but a dry drunk. For me the affair was the dealbreaker. It has been about a year and a half since I found out....they're still seeing each other, I moved out about a year ago and we are still fighting in court to try to get divorced. I will say that since I moved out I can now see how much I accepted unacceptable behavior and I am not stronger than I have ever been in my life. The pain at the time (and still sometimes now) was almost unbearable....but I know that I would never want to be with someone who felt that when things got bad the answer was to find another victim. Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: North America
Posts: 60
Just curious. For those of us whos ASpouses have indulged in these "pink cloud romances", how many of your ASpouses are still with the object of their desire?
My AH is still living with his special friend. It has been four and one half months. It still hurts, but it is definitely a deal breaker with me.
((((Take care))))
IDK
My AH is still living with his special friend. It has been four and one half months. It still hurts, but it is definitely a deal breaker with me.
((((Take care))))
IDK
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