Too Proud!
 

I finally got my a/h to say why he wont go to my weekly counseling sessions for co-dependency (been going for 2 months). He says he is too proud, that he was brought up to believe that strong men dont go to counseling and that he doesn't buy into AA and 12 steps (he went many years ago). Too proud to help his wife that has stuck by him for 25 years drunk or sober!! I ask him every week to go, that he is doing this for me and our marriage and he keeps saying no. It hurts too much to keep asking and the wall between us is growing higher--so I have decided to give up. He is sober at the current time (3 weeks) and is doing positive, healthy things for himself, he really is trying hard but he won't reach out for any other type of help. He has stayed sober for months, years at a time without outside help. But, I know he will drink again--when, who knows. Going to counseling has become almost as painful and as lonely for me as what I go through when he is drinking. Am I totally off the wall the expect him to come with me--just once. It's killing me because I really think one session will really make a big impression on him and give him a dose of reality regarding how his drinking affects me and him. I guess this is what is means to let go of something, because I feel like Im beating my head against the wall and I just cant do it anymore.

I think you're putting too much stock into him "seeing the light." How is him going to ONE session going to show him how his drinking has affected you? You said you've been together 25 years but ONE session is going to show him? He can't see what he doesn't want to see. He isn't ready. By thinking the way you are, you're trying to control something you have no control over. You're hurting yourself by asking and asking. He's given you his answer....it's no. Quit thinking you can change his mind....quit putting expectations on what the outcome of his going would do. Right now, you need to work on yourself without him. Your feeling better shouldn't revolve around how he feels and what he's doing.

I hope you'll start just worrying about yourself as a person. You can stop your pain by yourself. Don't go beating your head up against a wall. It hurts to ask and have him tell you he won't go, so don't ask or expect it.

I know it hurts.... I always thought that if Im trying really hard to save the relationship they should be trying really hard too.....

My expectations of other, I have spent years and years hurting myself because of that.... Unfortunally he is not ready to work on a relationship and if he has only been sober 3 weeks and has no support ... I would not expect much from him.

But for you there is lots and lots of hope, work on you for now, dont worry about the relationship .... just worry about you and what you can control.

You know, if I asked my husband why he will not go to AA, he would probably give the same answer. You know what else? It's a bunch of BS. It's denial, plain and simple. Fear of the truth, fear of reality. That's why I don't ask. I already know the answer, even if he doesn't. Plus it's none of my business.

L

Sounds as if his mind is made up. Clearly he isn't ready to work a program of
any kind at this time. I would just let him deal with his issues and I would
deal with mine. IMO

Thanks all for your candid thoughts and support, It's what my gut is telling me too, but, it helps to hear it from someone else. I will feel less lonely today!

(((Lizzy girl)))

it'll get easier lizzygirl!! I promise you, it will if you'll let it.

I do believe that more men are raised to feel that they need to be "the strong one" than women. My husband, also, has commented throughout the years about he won't do certain things because of his pride. I have even thought in recent months, that his pride is again what is keeping him partly from being able to do some of the things that I've asked him to do.
However - I personally feel that part of being a bigger man is being honest enough to admit when there is a problem and humbling ones self enough to ask for help when it's needed. Not only do I feel this about men - but I've learned for myself, that sometimes it's okay to ask for help and admit that I'm not always right, not always objective, not always sure about things, etc. Swallowing your pride is a hard thing to do - and I just think it's harder for men.
Then again, there are those that may hide behind that line (as I think was mentioned above). It's really hard to tell what your man is thinking for sure - but know that it's not about you even though it sure does feel personal and I know it hurts. Another thing is you have to remember - the more you ask him to go and the more upset you are about him not going - it's going to come across that you are trying to control him (at least that is my thinking). There is no guarantee that he'd get anything from those meetings you go too. And I'm betting too that deep inside, he knows that he has caused you pain - he sure doesn't want to have to go to meetings about it and have to re-live it all the time. I've found that most people I know, when they've made what they think of as a mistake or they want to avoid something - that is what they do - they avoid.
Please focus on you. He will do what he needs to do for himself and his recovery if he's serious. And no one can make him swallow that pride that he's carrying - that's his to do.

(((Lizzy))) Everyone before me is right IMO. He will not do it plain and simple b/c he does not want to and doesn't think he needs it at all. I heard Dr. Laura talking to someone today about "how she thought her husband would change after a while" and here is Dr. Laura's answer:

"Oh, so you married his POTENTIAL. Do not ever marry 'potential' because 'potential' is just YOUR fantasy and YOUR desire, it is not real."

That quote was a good wake-up call for me. This is something I've known, but somehow I don't think that this concept (duhhhhh) ever really stuck until today! Best of luck, but you may just have to let go for your own peace.