pmaslan

Mega I think you get what I am talking about.....
When his son stayed with us, reluctantly and now regrettably
I allowed him to sleep with his Dad everynight he was with us
and I slept alone. He was just so clingy and needy it seemed
the right thing at the time. So John really has it made, he knows
she won't throw him out as the kid will be unmanageable if that happens.
He can continue to sneak drink and just keep on pretending.
It's easy to see why there are so many dysfunctional people out there
when you know how they are being raised....

megamysterioso

Yes indeed Patty. My xabf had a little brother that was about 9 years old by the time I left his brother. I knew this kid since he was about 3 years old. I have yet to see a more dysfunctional household than that of his. All the siblings had different fathers, the mother was a RN (and good at it too), but a raging A that would go from man to man. When this little kid was about 8 years old, his mom had him jacked up on Ritolin (sp) for "ADD." Well, IMHO he did NOT have ADD. He just needed attention from his mother that she could never afford him. She was too busy giving herself to whatever man she was with at the time. Rest assured these men were either alcoholics, drug addicts or BOTH. One of her bfs had just gotten done scolding this child for virtually nothing. So...

this kid was 8 years old and he said to me in dead seriousness, "I cannot wait until I turn 15." I asked him why and he said, "because I'm moving out of here and going to California." I could not believe what I was hearing! It was the saddest thing ever to think that this 8 year old child was already planning his escape. I often wonder what became of him. He and I were really close b/c I treated him with love and respect. The children involved... that is the saddest part of all. They will carry that stuff around for life.

pmaslan

Oh my that breaks my heart to hear that too.
I am really grateful that my kids are happy
LOL well I think they are...they certainly appear to be.
In fact my youngest (15) says he's never leaving home!!!!!
Wanna bet....lol

megamysterioso

Yes-- be very grateful that your kids are happy and well-adjusted. I think that's had everything in the world to do with YOU . Yeah, my old bedroom at home was converting into an "office/gym" quite soon after I left the nest- teehee.

pmaslan

Thanks Mega...the kids dad has a lot to do with it too...
(Not an A) He has very high standards and morals.
The only A my children have been exposed to is John.
He came into their lives when they were 13 and 15 so
thankfully they were older. They mostly pitied John and
sometimes made fun of him when they saw him drunk.
He never treated my sons poorly, or me for that matter,
he was just a hopeless drunk in our home. They understand
now that he is sick and that alcoholism is a disease. I am
somewhat grateful that as a result of this experience, they
are armed with knowledge and may make better choices as
a result.....unlike Mom.......lol

megamysterioso

I hear you there! I'm sure they will do fine, but we all find our own way. I often question my own bad decision making! I came from a very functional household w/no addiction whatsoever and never felt I had to prove myself or strive to earn love. I'm an only kid though so maybe b/c of my parent's goodness or something, I laid my own trip on myself thinking that I had to over-extend myself to others as in "not to let them down". Maybe I internalized that whole, "I'm an only kid so I better be 'the greatest'" type attitude. That doesn't make much sense either though considering I was a hellion teenager that rebeled against my parents big time. Sorry for the rant Patty-- just having my own psychoanalysis session over here LOL...

pmaslan

Rant all you want Mega...self realization is great therapy!!!!

JessicaNAJ

Patty....I'm not sure I followed all this. But I think you are handling things great. Yes, it's an unfortunate situation for the child.

TexasGirl

OMG, Mega! That is so me too! I'm an only as well..no addiction problems and if anything "over-loved." I had to do everything perfectly too. But I don't know that I put it on myself...I was given that one to carry.

Minx1969

Well..you don't have to come from an addictive household to be dysfunctional..

Being smothered (or "overloved" TG) is control as well as perfectionism..

Neither of my parents were addicts but were control freaks..

There's a great book I read called "If your parents were controlling"..I think between the two they had 7 out of 8 profiles of controlling parents..

pmaslan

Thanks Minx for the book info....
My mom was controlling
My dad a saint....lol

pmaslan

Jess thank you very much...some days are better than others...
progress not perfection....sigh

megamysterioso

Good point Minx. Interesting topic although I guess we're sort of teetering off of Patty's original topic. But we are still discussing a person growing up in a functional versus dysfunctional household and the effect it has on the person... so I guess it's not too OT.

I feel the same way Patty. My mom is definitely the controlling one and my dad is the most "go with the flow," accepting type person you'll ever meet. I've caught myself on occassion behaving/acting like my mom and have to step back sometimes....whoahhhhhh nelly! LOL. Then I think of that old saying how we all "eventually become our parents." Scarey stuff there!

I don't think I was ever really spoiled or "over-loved", but I think a lot of mom has rubbed off on me. I love her to death, but YIKES.

megamysterioso

That sucks if you were "given that one to carry" TG. No wonder you are so concerned with the neighbors and what they think. That's too big of a burden honey. No one is perfect.