sunshine003

I have a cold and haven't caught up from my recent vacation. You know how you come home and leave with a clean house but it suddenly isn't the second you walk through the door with your load? Anyway, then I woke up with a cold this weekend and it's a bad one.....very stuffy, can't clear it, etc.

I'm irritable obviously. I'm overwhelmed because I have four small children and I do it all myself....whether Im sick or not, I do it myself. I was thinking about the entire time I've been married to AH .....hasn't been long, a whole 3 years. In any event, in that time, I can honestly say that although I never asked for help (I have a hard time with that but still, you shouldn't have to ask for everything) he never helped with anything....no housework. He never did a load of laundry, mopped a floor, picked up, cooked a mean, etc. Even more, you know what I'd apperciate more? Someone saying "here , let me take the kids to the park for an hour or two and you can clean in peace." NOPE, that never happened either. As I'd clean, he'd do whatever the hell he wanted. That did NOT include taking kids off my hands. He'd see me trying to clean while everyone was asking for something. I'd stop what I was doing, tend to them and go back to it while he sat in bed watching TV, whatever.

I hate how he'd tell me I needed to do something regarding one of the kids but didn't lift a finger to help. He'd say, I'll do whatever you need to help, blah blah blah. But his words were always just that, words. Professionally, he was up to par and then some but here at home, he is a lazy, selfish person.

Sure, it's my fault that I didn't ask. I accept that. But at the same time, he'd sit and watch me do everything for everyone and not offer to lift a finger.

Before anyone tells me I'm not accepting my part, I know my part, I've realized it but I'm still feeling resentful towards him today.

He did change a diaper once, I guess I should be grateful for that.

Just needed to bitch I guess, LOL

megamysterioso

Bitch away Sunshine! Yeah- I've found that it does take a "special" man to naturally take his share of the responsibility and contribute at home. Don't worry too much about never having asked him! I used to ask mine all the time to no avail! I even used to run these experiments to see how long it would take him to wash a dish or whatever. He kept saying, "I'll do it" and I'd wait and wait and he'd never get around to it. I let them go for about 3 days once until the stench and filth was too much for ME to take. It's disgusting. I just don't get it. You're not alone in this I can assure you.

ICU

Yeah, maybe you could have asked for help, true. But, as a member of the household, he shouldn't have waited to be asked. It must have been obvious what needed doing, and, he should have stepped up to the plate. JMO.

That's one good thing about my ex. He may not have been as neat or as clean as I was with respect to housekeeping duties, but he did his fair share. I had no complaints there.

I hope you feel better soon. Hopefully you can rest some when the kids go to school tomorrow??? Don't remember your kids' ages.

Vent all you need to! It helps!!

sunshine003

thanks ya'll.

ICU, I agree, we were part of the same household and he shouldn't have needed to be asked. I was just admitting that I never did ask. He must have felt that because he worked, he didn't have to or something? He's just spoiled. However, if he was doing something, he didn't have to ask me to keep the kids away, etc.....if he were on the phone, I didn't feel entitled to just start talking during his conversation, etc. He's inconsiderate.

Heck, I haven't slept through the night since the baby was born (16 months ago) and he's never gotten up with the other kids so I could sleep a bit more but he sure as hell sleeps in on the weekends. ugh, I'm so annoyed that I put up with someone giving so little to me.

My first husband did a lot. I didn't think he did but I now know the difference. I used to complain that he didn't help me enough. I never complained of this with AH because I told myself I wouldn't do that again.....I wouldn't complain about household stuff....it's a silly concern. I feel like this was karma's way of saying, "oh yeah, you think he didn't do anything....here, we'll show you what that's really like" LOL.

My children are pretty close in age. They are evenly spaced apart....2 1/2 years between them. They are just turned 9, 6, 3 and 16 months. So I NEED, they need, TWO involved parents. Not ONE trying to do it all. I fall short sometimes you know? It's hard to keep up with everything and give them the attention, etc.

He has two children from a previous marriage. Rest assured he took them to do things alone without a baby by his side.....do you think he's ever watched the younger two so I could take the two older to do something alone? NOPE, not once. So I even go to the movies with a baby.....I don't get to enjoy myself because I"m working at keeping a baby still, quiet, etc....I'm sweating by the time I leave. But his butt sure as heck enjoys himself.....I feel like I do all the work but he and HIS kids get to have the fun. It just isn't even close to being fair. As a matter a fact, ONE time I left him with the baby so I could get my hair done and he called after an hour wondering what was taking so long. I was having it highlihted and that takes some time, goodness gracious. He's never said, "here let me give her a bath tonight, you go relax." NOTHING. And he thinks he's always tried to show me how much he loves me?

He doesn't even recognize how selfish he is. His sleep is more important than mine, his relaxation is more important than mine, his everything is more important than mine.

Man, how in the heck did I ever think any of this was okay? I just steaming mad over this right now, I really am. I'm pecking away at the keys as I type, LOL

It's a good thing he isn't in my space right now while I"m in this mood. I don't get in them often and I believe I'd just let loose with all this stuff.

Jazzman

I think it's good for you to get this all out. Bang away at that keyboard. It won't give you any crap and it's cheap to replace if you break it!

You really did too much. Bet you won't do that again!

Tally

Sunshine, know how you feel! Especially regarding the housework, which is one of our MAJOR problems..
I only have one child, god knows how you cope with 4!!

I normally don't ask my ABF to do anything anymore and when I do ask for some help he says "no"..lol, just no.

I used to ask him to help me and he'd moan, grumble and groan, get angry with me saying something like "just because you're in the mood for tidying up, doesnt mean I have to do it too" - Ermm when am I ever in the "mood"?! But I "have" to do it!

My ABF never tucks my little girl in for bedtime, will occasionally make her a meal, even started refusing to pick her up from school.
One night I couldn't sleep and was up ALL night, I went for a nap at lunchtime the next day and he woke me two hours later to go do the school run, whilst he sat on the pc all day chatting to other girls and doing his "thing". I then came home, after two hours sleep, started tidying up, then did dinner, the dishes etc...whilst he carried on chatting on the pc.

A few weeks back I got up and he'd put the dishes in soak! I was in shock as he hasn't done the dishes in over a year...he said he was gonna do them in a bit once they'd soaked for a while, so he carried on chatting on the pc....after 6 hours I started doing them myself, I asked him to finish the few pans that where left because I had backache, his answer.. "no" and he carried on chatting, he said "I hope your not angry, cos it'd be a shame to spoil the day" LOL

He leaves his stuff everywhere, dirty socks etc..leaves his dirty plates on the table, won't even scrape his plates most of the time...and like ur ex, watches me busting my gut, or rather pretends not to see and carries on chatting on the pc or watching tv...even complains if my housework distrupts his viewing pleasure

Judt like ur ex, what he wants is more important, his sleep is, his wants and needs are...and my ABF knows he's selfish, at least ur ex didn't have any realization!

Why do/did we put up with it? No idea...

You're bound to feel resentment, I feel it everyday...but you're dwelling on the past and what is behind you...you had the courage to say enough was enough, and maybe in the future, when you're in a happier place, you'll be able to laugh at the absurdity of it all

xxx

sunshine003

jazz, I believe it's safe to say "I won't do this again." LOL! I'm dead serious when I say I believe it's "what comes around goes around." Because I spent time dwelling in my first marriage that he didn't do anything (and he did) that I'm being shown the difference, LOL.

I didn't want to be one of those wifes who complained about gettin gtoo little sleep or kids or housework.....I felt I had been there, done that. But, I took it to the other extreme.

You know how when you have little kids, they bring home all these neat little viruses and everyone in the house gets to try it out? Once, I got one of those neat little throw up kind that last 24 hours. He said , "I wish I could stay and help but I gotta go to work." So I took care of all of them best I could. He ended up getting it and laid in bed the entire 24 hours needing me to bring him this or that or rub his back, etc. He never mentioned anything regarding, "OH boy, I shouldn't have gone to work and left you here like this...." a$$hole.

In december, he was in a bad car accident. He was in the hospital for two weeks, back surgery, etc. When he got out, it was slow going at first....he was in bed for another two weeks, couldn't even get up on his own, etc. Once he was up a bit he needed rides to work, he couldn't drive. But he couldn't stay at work for long, just an hour here and there a few times in the same day. I was running him all over in between kids stuff, etc. One evening, I was driving him home and I was just exhausted. I looked over at him and I swear, I wanted to open the door and shove him out while I was driving. I couldn't believe all I had been doing the past month and I don't think for a second, he'd go to those lengths for me. He would act like he was going to those lengths to everyone else, but he wouldn't be. He'd hire someone else to do it or something.

I've told him before that he didn't help me enough. He said, "tell me what you want me to do, I didn't know I was expected to help out that way." huh? really?

You know, when HIS kids are here, he talks to them, watches tv with them, plays with them.....all the things you're supposed to do. With MY kids, he just isn't even close to that. He hardly talks to them and hasn't a clue what is going on with them.....the child we share together, he isn't all that up to par with either.

If I tell him what I just typed above it's all the words, blah blah blah...."I have no idea ho wmuch it hurts for him to know I feel that way because he has honestly tried to be everything to my kids, etc." huh?

You know, he's never once said to one of my boys, "hey come on guys, lets go to the beach, just us....." or "hey guys want to ride to the store with me...." something simple even. In three years, he's never taken any one of them to do something with just him.....but he's tried?

When I was on vacation and took the kids to see their dad, I can't even describe the things I had forgotten. I forgot what it looked like, what it sounded like, what it felt like, to have someone PLAYING around with my children. I forgot what it looked like to see them being hugged. Sure I hug them but I don't see that, LOL.

ugh, what in the heck was I thinking all this time. And I sit and feel bad for ah sometimes? huh! it doesn't make any sense, it truly doesn't.

megamysterioso

Well Sunshine, that just plain sucks. I think that boils down to his "fantasy dad" syndrome thing that he has going on. Since he has his girls on a very part-time basis, Heaven forbid he should screw that up! He's obviously VERY different when it comes to being a great dad FULL TIME. He seems incapable of being that giving for too long.

pmaslan

Reminds me of one particular Everybody Loves Raymond episode....
Debra basically has to beg Ray to take the kids to the park so
she can have a little me time....was like pulling teeth!!!!!
I tend to think "some" men think because they work and if their wife
is at home all day it absolves them from any of the housework or childcare.
I used to tell my ex husband that he would step over a pile of sh*t
instead of clean it up....I have to say in hindsight he really did help a lot
and he was incredible with the kids....still is (with the kids that is.)

sunshine003

right patty, I'm realizing that my ex was a lot more than I recognized at the time and STILL is. He has to live out of state and that is the saddest part. It wouuld be much different if he lived in state and got to see them on a regular basis.....the every other weekend type of normal thing (and he'd be more than that if he lived near us). My AH knew from the start that if I stayed and married him, that my three children would NOT get to see their dad they way he sees his kids. He made all sorts of promises and because I did not live with him at the time, had not exactly "seen" his ways, I believed him....you know, I was all in love. He definately misrepresented himslf.

When he found out I plan on moving next to my exhusband, the crap hit the fan. It was as if he thought the only reason was so I could have some sort of relationship with him. How immature. You know, it couldn't possibly be because my kids NEED two parents present. It isn't for my childrens well being, it's because I want to be with my ex, according to him....which is absurd.

pmaslan

Susnshine Quote:

which is absurd

Of course we know it is....remember what you're dealing with......

Jazzman

My two boys are from my 1st marriage and when we split up she stayed close. The arrangement is 50/50 time and they would ride the school buss home to Dads Mon, Wed. and Fri. and ride the buss home to Moms Tues. and Thurs. I'd do the drop off Saturday night, then start the week over again.
I would highly recommend that arrangement if it is anywhere near possible. I feel that a parent can't really have an impact your children’s lives unless you're involved in the day to day routine. I was fortunate that that arrangement was possible in my situation. The benefit to the kids is impossible to measure.

sunshine003

thanks jazz, I agree. when i can move, I will be moving to the same state as my ex. Our arrangement reflects upon his character. He is moving out of his home and moving in with a friend of his, who lives just a few miles away. Once I am settled and on my feet, I will find my own place. I assume it will take at least six months for that to happen. I haven't worked in 9 years (since the birth of my first child). In any event, I know he'll be an everyday part of their lives even after I find my own place. He is just that type of a man/dad.

Not only should the kids not be away from him, I don't think he should be away from them. If things were different here, the situation would be different. Because it is how it is, I believe it's best I move to a place where my children will be closer to their dad. I know he will fill in for the baby also.......something ah did not live up to.

Jazzman

Even though I was very active in my step childrens lives, it was still different. I would be curious to know just how many people could honestly say they love their stepchildren the same as their own.

sunshine003

me too jazz. I can honestly say that although I was very nice to his children, I did things with them, talked to them, etc....it was/is very different. I am not blind to that and never expected it to be the same. But I certainly expected a bit more than what took place. I also believe it's a bit different comparing how I was with his kids since they weren't with us full time as mine were with him. I never thought he'd be a "father substitute" but I did think he'd be some sort of a male role....not just someone who happened to share the same air, LOL.