Update
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Update
I didn't post this right away because I wanted to see what would happen for a few days first. Sorry if it gets a little long...
Tuesday - I knew I was probably going to get a job offer anytime, so that night, I told him that he had a choice to make. I said, either you quit drinking, or I'm taking the dogs and moving out.
Wednesday - I got my job offer. I called him to see what he was doing, and I could tell he'd been drinking. I said, well, I guess you've made your decision then. He said, no I haven't. I said, it sounds like you have. I got home from work, and he was asleep in bed. I moved a bunch of my belongings downstairs to the garage door. I put my most valuable collections in my car, and went to the storage unit. I didn't realize that the gates locked at 7 p.m....I thought you could get in after hours. Since it was 6:30, I knew I couldn't get everything out before then, so I reluctantly went home. I told him I was moving out, and he followed me room to room, trying to hug me and kiss me. I couldn't stay away from him. Finally, he fell asleep in bed. I made the other bed and went to sleep in there. About 2 a.m., he woke up and came in there with me. He was rubbing my back and trying to hug me. I couldn't get him to leave me alone. Finally I went back to my regular bed, and he followed of course.
Thursday - That morning, he swore he would quit, cried his eyes out, threw up multiple times because he was freaking out, begged for a chance.
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so far Monday, he hasn't been drinking. I have waited to post this because usually he only stops for a day before we go back to square one. It's lasted so far...but he still won't go to AA. He says he'd be to embarrassed. I can't tell if he means it. He's said a few things that make me think he's not serious, but he's also trying pretty hard. Friday night he asked if I wanted to go have a beer. When I didn't say anything, he dropped it. Saturday, a family member was coming over, and I asked what we were going to say if he wanted to go out. He said, well, I could have one beer so that no one knows what's going on. I said, you know that's not an option. As a result, at dinner he just ordered water. So it seems like he rationalizes one will be OK, but then realizes not to or else chooses not to then anyway. Yesterday, I was going shopping, and he asked me not to go because "he might want to drink." I went anyway, and he didn't do it. How far can will power alone get him? Far enough?
As far as the job, I asked for more money, and they took a couple of days to get back with me. They returned my call Friday afternoon, but I didn't get the message until late. I called this morning, but the guy wasn't in. So he should be calling me back sometime this afternoon with the final amount.
Here's my dilemma...if my H is just going to start up again, I want to take the job for sure. I'll just wait until he drinks and commute in the meantime. If he's really commited this time, I would prefer to not have to commute the next few years. I could stay at my current job or else find something else where we live. I don't know what to do.
Tuesday - I knew I was probably going to get a job offer anytime, so that night, I told him that he had a choice to make. I said, either you quit drinking, or I'm taking the dogs and moving out.
Wednesday - I got my job offer. I called him to see what he was doing, and I could tell he'd been drinking. I said, well, I guess you've made your decision then. He said, no I haven't. I said, it sounds like you have. I got home from work, and he was asleep in bed. I moved a bunch of my belongings downstairs to the garage door. I put my most valuable collections in my car, and went to the storage unit. I didn't realize that the gates locked at 7 p.m....I thought you could get in after hours. Since it was 6:30, I knew I couldn't get everything out before then, so I reluctantly went home. I told him I was moving out, and he followed me room to room, trying to hug me and kiss me. I couldn't stay away from him. Finally, he fell asleep in bed. I made the other bed and went to sleep in there. About 2 a.m., he woke up and came in there with me. He was rubbing my back and trying to hug me. I couldn't get him to leave me alone. Finally I went back to my regular bed, and he followed of course.
Thursday - That morning, he swore he would quit, cried his eyes out, threw up multiple times because he was freaking out, begged for a chance.
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so far Monday, he hasn't been drinking. I have waited to post this because usually he only stops for a day before we go back to square one. It's lasted so far...but he still won't go to AA. He says he'd be to embarrassed. I can't tell if he means it. He's said a few things that make me think he's not serious, but he's also trying pretty hard. Friday night he asked if I wanted to go have a beer. When I didn't say anything, he dropped it. Saturday, a family member was coming over, and I asked what we were going to say if he wanted to go out. He said, well, I could have one beer so that no one knows what's going on. I said, you know that's not an option. As a result, at dinner he just ordered water. So it seems like he rationalizes one will be OK, but then realizes not to or else chooses not to then anyway. Yesterday, I was going shopping, and he asked me not to go because "he might want to drink." I went anyway, and he didn't do it. How far can will power alone get him? Far enough?
As far as the job, I asked for more money, and they took a couple of days to get back with me. They returned my call Friday afternoon, but I didn't get the message until late. I called this morning, but the guy wasn't in. So he should be calling me back sometime this afternoon with the final amount.
Here's my dilemma...if my H is just going to start up again, I want to take the job for sure. I'll just wait until he drinks and commute in the meantime. If he's really commited this time, I would prefer to not have to commute the next few years. I could stay at my current job or else find something else where we live. I don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I'll post again what my aunt said. (and she has lots of experience with A's)
An alcoholic can quit drinking long enough to get what they want.
This should not be about him, TG, it should be about you.
Do YOU want the job?
Do YOU want to move?
Do YOU want to commute?
Do YOU want to put your life on hold while you wait to see what HE will/won't do?
Assume he is not going to change. What do YOU want if he never changes?
If he does, then you can be pleasantly surprised.
L
An alcoholic can quit drinking long enough to get what they want.
This should not be about him, TG, it should be about you.
Do YOU want the job?
Do YOU want to move?
Do YOU want to commute?
Do YOU want to put your life on hold while you wait to see what HE will/won't do?
Assume he is not going to change. What do YOU want if he never changes?
If he does, then you can be pleasantly surprised.
L
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
I want the new job if he's not really quitting. I can commute until he starts again.
If he's going to really quit, I would rather work locally. It's more convenient.
That's what I'm afraid of. In which case, I want to accept the job and commute until he starts again. I just don't want to get stuck commuting for 2 or 3 years if he really does quit! Currently I drive three minutes to work! This would be 70 minutes one way.
If he's going to really quit, I would rather work locally. It's more convenient.
Originally Posted by LTD
An alcoholic can quit drinking long enough to get what they want.
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 115
Sorry TG, I don't get it:
what's his recovery got to do with whether you get this job and commute or not? I don't understand.
Presumably you will have to accept or refuse this job offer very soon. How long will they wait for you to go back to them? another couple of days? a week? And if he doesn't drink for that long (which is possible: my partner stopped drinking/doing coke for a while only to start again and do it more than ever. That was because I had asked her/threatened her not because she really wanted to) so you don't get this job and then he starts again, how will you feel? ANGRY, RESENTFUL, HURT. Why? because you would have taken your decision according to what he said and not according to what YOU want to do.
I'm not saying he's lying, he might be making a very good effort, but if he's not deciding to stop because he really wants to, but because you're threatening him, he won't last. My partner eventually decided to get clean and sober only when the pain of drinking and using was too much for her. That included losing me, but it was not the main reason, the main reason was that she wanted to get better.
You need to take your decision based on what you really want to do and not based on his behaviour. Also, sobriety is a life-long decision, not a single event. Please do not make threat you will not carry out, simply to see how he react. Do you want this job? Have you had enough?
I'm not criticising for whatever decision you're taking, but you need to be pretty confident about the decision.
Sorry, I have to go now, but I'll come back tomorrow
Love Jo
what's his recovery got to do with whether you get this job and commute or not? I don't understand.
Presumably you will have to accept or refuse this job offer very soon. How long will they wait for you to go back to them? another couple of days? a week? And if he doesn't drink for that long (which is possible: my partner stopped drinking/doing coke for a while only to start again and do it more than ever. That was because I had asked her/threatened her not because she really wanted to) so you don't get this job and then he starts again, how will you feel? ANGRY, RESENTFUL, HURT. Why? because you would have taken your decision according to what he said and not according to what YOU want to do.
I'm not saying he's lying, he might be making a very good effort, but if he's not deciding to stop because he really wants to, but because you're threatening him, he won't last. My partner eventually decided to get clean and sober only when the pain of drinking and using was too much for her. That included losing me, but it was not the main reason, the main reason was that she wanted to get better.
You need to take your decision based on what you really want to do and not based on his behaviour. Also, sobriety is a life-long decision, not a single event. Please do not make threat you will not carry out, simply to see how he react. Do you want this job? Have you had enough?
I'm not criticising for whatever decision you're taking, but you need to be pretty confident about the decision.
Sorry, I have to go now, but I'll come back tomorrow
Love Jo
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Originally Posted by goffredo
I'm not saying he's lying, he might be making a very good effort, but if he's not deciding to stop because he really wants to, but because you're threatening him, he won't last.
Otherwise, I don't care. This job now. That new job. Whatever. Same difference. So it does depend on what he's going to do somewhat.
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
TG -
He says he will quit but asks if you want to go out for a beer? He won't get any help because it is too embarrassing? Does that sound like commitment to you?
You say you won't live with him if he is drinking. It sounds to me like you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you really want to live like that? You must have pursued this job in another city for a reason. Now that you have it, why not follow through and take it? I know how hard this is for you. It is never an easy decision to make. Why not do this for you? There is still a part of you that hopes that he will quit drinking and you will live happily ever after. How likely do you feel that is?
Why not make this decision based on what you want and need? Consider his past history and the likelihood that he is actually going to become what you want him to be. What about this? You take the job and move. He can figure out how he wants to live his life. If he decides to make the changes and can show you, over a period of time, that he is living clean and sober and honest, then you could consider trying again.
You sought out this job as a way to start a new life. His 3 and a half days of not drinking prove nothing. What do you think would happen as soon as you turned this position down? How long would it take before he had a drink in his hand? And then you will have gone through all this turmoil for nothing.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
Hugs, Jo
He says he will quit but asks if you want to go out for a beer? He won't get any help because it is too embarrassing? Does that sound like commitment to you?
You say you won't live with him if he is drinking. It sounds to me like you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you really want to live like that? You must have pursued this job in another city for a reason. Now that you have it, why not follow through and take it? I know how hard this is for you. It is never an easy decision to make. Why not do this for you? There is still a part of you that hopes that he will quit drinking and you will live happily ever after. How likely do you feel that is?
Why not make this decision based on what you want and need? Consider his past history and the likelihood that he is actually going to become what you want him to be. What about this? You take the job and move. He can figure out how he wants to live his life. If he decides to make the changes and can show you, over a period of time, that he is living clean and sober and honest, then you could consider trying again.
You sought out this job as a way to start a new life. His 3 and a half days of not drinking prove nothing. What do you think would happen as soon as you turned this position down? How long would it take before he had a drink in his hand? And then you will have gone through all this turmoil for nothing.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
Hugs, Jo
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I told him that...that he'd never quit before when he said he was going to. So why should I believe you now? He said, "You've never packed your car before. I didn't know how serious you were. I would do anything to not lose you."
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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TG,
How far are we talking about? 100 miles? 200?
I know how hard it is for your right now, but I read your passage beneath your post, "Hope is oftentimes postponed disappointment." We want so badly it makes us crazy.
I pray you will do the "right" thing.
Cat3
How far are we talking about? 100 miles? 200?
I know how hard it is for your right now, but I read your passage beneath your post, "Hope is oftentimes postponed disappointment." We want so badly it makes us crazy.
I pray you will do the "right" thing.
Cat3
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by TexasGirl
I would prefer to not have to commute the next few years.
Originally Posted by TexasGirl
But something has to make him hit his bottom. It can't be me? Or the idea of losing me?
This is easy for me but of course I'm not the one enmeshed in the situation. This is what I would suggest. Take the job and take the commute on the chin for 4 months. Tell him 28 day rehab and 90 meetings in 90 days or you will plan to relocate. I would guess than in less than two weeks you will have your answer. Forget about divorce or a legal separation for right now. These things can wait until you really know what would be the wise move on that.
BTW, congrats on the job!
ps. I live in an area that a 60 min commute is a GOOD thing.
that's why I leave at 6:00 am . Thats what they make mp3 players and coffee for.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
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(((TG)))
I know how stuck a girl can get waiting on her man to change. I can not begin to tell you how many great oppertunities I have turned down in the name of hoping he will change and he is still the same...
If you make a choice based on your own needs and wants and not based on anything he does or does not do it will definatly come out better for all concerned. If you choose based on what he does or does not do you will end up miserable.
I think a while ago I wrote sayig why don't you take the job and see what happens. If he really wants to quit he will but, if he is just going through the motions to manipulate you out of taking a better job you will end up kicking yourself.
This reminds me of an old quote I don't know who wrote it:
I know how stuck a girl can get waiting on her man to change. I can not begin to tell you how many great oppertunities I have turned down in the name of hoping he will change and he is still the same...
If you make a choice based on your own needs and wants and not based on anything he does or does not do it will definatly come out better for all concerned. If you choose based on what he does or does not do you will end up miserable.
I think a while ago I wrote sayig why don't you take the job and see what happens. If he really wants to quit he will but, if he is just going through the motions to manipulate you out of taking a better job you will end up kicking yourself.
This reminds me of an old quote I don't know who wrote it:
If you love someone set them free if they come back they are yours and if they don't they never were.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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but he's also trying pretty hard. Friday night he asked if I wanted to go have a beer.
I'm sorry but these two statements, side by side in your original post, just totally contradict each other.
Anyway, not to be harsh but my husband loves me with all his heart and he also has never, ever strayed, or given me reason to suspect he's strayed. But the hard truth is, regardless of how much he loved me the addict in him loved the booze more.
I'm sorry but these two statements, side by side in your original post, just totally contradict each other.
Anyway, not to be harsh but my husband loves me with all his heart and he also has never, ever strayed, or given me reason to suspect he's strayed. But the hard truth is, regardless of how much he loved me the addict in him loved the booze more.
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Take the job and take the commute on the chin for 4 months. Tell him 28 day rehab and 90 meetings in 90 days or you will plan to relocate. I would guess than in less than two weeks you will have your answer. Forget about divorce or a legal separation for right now. These things can wait until you really know what would be the wise move on that.
great going on the job!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Nobody can tell you what to do but like jazz said, why not take the job and just commute for now? or just keep your job? It doesn't sound to me like you're wanting to make a change just yet and you have to give yourself permission to admit that. It's scary. You're letting him hold all the power really. If he stops, you'll stay, if he doesn't , you'll go. You're putting your life in the hands of his drinking problem. This way, the odds aren't in your favor.
The way I see it, even though you said "quit drinking or I go" your situation is the same. He's teh same person he was a month ago. You're the same person you were a month ago. Nothing has changed here, don't you see that?
My AH said on many occasions that he wouldn't drink anymore. But the day always came....with a good reason of course.
"it's work related" "i'm out of town with friends" "we hardly ever get to go out alone" "they offered a beer and I would have been the only one not drinking one" "I was golfing and networking" "isn't it different when I'm out of town?"
I could go on and on. *I* have never been enough to make him quit.....even if I packed the car.
The way I see it, even though you said "quit drinking or I go" your situation is the same. He's teh same person he was a month ago. You're the same person you were a month ago. Nothing has changed here, don't you see that?
My AH said on many occasions that he wouldn't drink anymore. But the day always came....with a good reason of course.
"it's work related" "i'm out of town with friends" "we hardly ever get to go out alone" "they offered a beer and I would have been the only one not drinking one" "I was golfing and networking" "isn't it different when I'm out of town?"
I could go on and on. *I* have never been enough to make him quit.....even if I packed the car.
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You all have said some great things, and I want to reply to some specific things, but I can't get it all out right now. Because I have something else to say...
I TOOK IT!!! I TOOK IT!!! I start April 24th!!!!!
Holy S*&#!!!!!!!!
I told them an amount I was needing, and I got it + a year-end bonus that's usually about $5K!!!!
Holy S*&#!!!!!!
I can justify the cost of the commute based on the bonus alone. There's the aspect of my time, but it's my time, so so what? My only little concerns are the car...it's a little older, but I'll worry about that some other time.
Not to be negative, but there could come a time I won't be commuting anymore anyway...could be sooner, could be later.
We shall see.
I TOOK IT!!! I TOOK IT!!! I start April 24th!!!!!
Holy S*&#!!!!!!!!
I told them an amount I was needing, and I got it + a year-end bonus that's usually about $5K!!!!
Holy S*&#!!!!!!
I can justify the cost of the commute based on the bonus alone. There's the aspect of my time, but it's my time, so so what? My only little concerns are the car...it's a little older, but I'll worry about that some other time.
Not to be negative, but there could come a time I won't be commuting anymore anyway...could be sooner, could be later.
We shall see.
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