AH's recovery is throwing me off.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 29
AH's recovery is throwing me off.
I'm definitely in one of those recovery lows people were writing about recently. I was plugging along getting my ducks in a row, albeit slowly. Then ah went into the hospital and, at least for now, got scared straight by news he was trashing his liver. Is this common?
He went to the outpatient rehab program today. I am fairly sure he's not drinking but I am not trying to guess whether he is serious or not. There are signs he's still in major denial. I, on the other hand, know how early I am in recovery and I'm feeling resentment and like it's all a big distraction. For one thing, he's around all the time now, not passed out. Recovery was easier when part of it was the fantasy of starting over on my own.
I am having trouble detaching and yesterday when he made a snotty comment about going to the rehab thing, I told him, "Either you have a problem that you need a recovery program to fix or you've been an a$$hole for the last few years. Pick one." That is not good. I know that.
I have told him I'm happy that he is trying to make and change, but that it's all his call and I need to work on myself, but I still am mentally sucked in and I don't feel good about it.
He went to the outpatient rehab program today. I am fairly sure he's not drinking but I am not trying to guess whether he is serious or not. There are signs he's still in major denial. I, on the other hand, know how early I am in recovery and I'm feeling resentment and like it's all a big distraction. For one thing, he's around all the time now, not passed out. Recovery was easier when part of it was the fantasy of starting over on my own.
I am having trouble detaching and yesterday when he made a snotty comment about going to the rehab thing, I told him, "Either you have a problem that you need a recovery program to fix or you've been an a$$hole for the last few years. Pick one." That is not good. I know that.
I have told him I'm happy that he is trying to make and change, but that it's all his call and I need to work on myself, but I still am mentally sucked in and I don't feel good about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Dalloway
I told him, "Either you have a problem that you need a recovery program to fix or you've been an a$$hole for the last few years. Pick one."
Thanks Jazz.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
I'm new here so maybe I don't know what's considered appropriate but I thought what you said was perfect.
I did recently decide that I need to remember to stop saying my AH is an ***hole and to remember to say he is behaving like an ***hole instead.
I do wonder if he does eventually manage to stay sober will he stop behaving like an ***hole so much of the time? It would be very disappointing if he was sober for a couple of years and still behaved like an ***hole. Then I would have to acknowledge that his behavior had nothing to do with being an alcoholic and that it was just genetic.
I did recently decide that I need to remember to stop saying my AH is an ***hole and to remember to say he is behaving like an ***hole instead.
I do wonder if he does eventually manage to stay sober will he stop behaving like an ***hole so much of the time? It would be very disappointing if he was sober for a couple of years and still behaved like an ***hole. Then I would have to acknowledge that his behavior had nothing to do with being an alcoholic and that it was just genetic.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Dalloway - the old shifting sands are really hard to deal with. That's where having your own strong recovery comes into its own. The firmer your own foundations, the less you get get sucked into someone elses stuff.
gypsyrose - I hear ya. I have shared many times that I have no idea whather my ex behaves atrociously because he drinks or if he is someone who behaves badly and also happens to drink. I am inclined towards the latter. And genetics? I have my grandmother's nose because of genetics. I have learned my behaviour since my birth . There is a difference.
gypsyrose - I hear ya. I have shared many times that I have no idea whather my ex behaves atrociously because he drinks or if he is someone who behaves badly and also happens to drink. I am inclined towards the latter. And genetics? I have my grandmother's nose because of genetics. I have learned my behaviour since my birth . There is a difference.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Oh, so I was confusing detachment with Ghandi-esque patience and perfectionism again? I hate it when I do that
I liked it by the way, I don't think it was snotty, just plain!
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
When my AH soon to be ex stopped drinking five months ago, he has turned into the devil himself and I thought recovery would help him. I haven't told him this (and I won't) but I think I liked him better drunk. He was much nicer.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 66
Wow Blue, that's both sad & funny. I spoke with my Ah on the phone yesterday he has been sober for about 6 -7 weeks now and he was quite the jerk, not sure if he is just stressed or he just a jerk. Hard to say at this point. He's beeen drunk for so long, I don't remember who he really is.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
That was one of my first posts on SR
I liked him better when he was drinking.
I think it takes awhile for then to get "real" with themselves... I was not given the chance to see who the real person was .... but I dont mind now, Im happy and peaceful..... I hope after 1 and 1/2 years sober he is too.
I liked him better when he was drinking.
I think it takes awhile for then to get "real" with themselves... I was not given the chance to see who the real person was .... but I dont mind now, Im happy and peaceful..... I hope after 1 and 1/2 years sober he is too.
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