He cheated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
He cheated
Hi all,
Well the subject line says it all. I have a wonderful male friend whose conscience was bothering him too much, knowing this, and he finally told me.
My A b/f unknowingly inspired me to join Al-Anon, (Thank God! because you guys have saved my life). He had moved up to L.A. for a job, and was bragging like crazy to his male friends about having the hots for and pursuing a professional sports cheerleader who also attends the college where he works (I know, I'd be laughing too if it wasn't ME)... all while stringing ME along and still declaring he wants to marry me. He told his buddies that he was going to get together with her.
I couldn't breathe. My mouth got dry. And then, I was told that when a friend of a friend was visiting a few months ago, he spent time giving her foot massages.
And when I thought I couldn't hear any more, I was told that my b/f had cheated on his ex-girlfriend as well.
And here I've been hoping and praying he'll kick this addiction and be able to be with me??
I'm devastated.
And my mouth tastes like lead
kate
Well the subject line says it all. I have a wonderful male friend whose conscience was bothering him too much, knowing this, and he finally told me.
My A b/f unknowingly inspired me to join Al-Anon, (Thank God! because you guys have saved my life). He had moved up to L.A. for a job, and was bragging like crazy to his male friends about having the hots for and pursuing a professional sports cheerleader who also attends the college where he works (I know, I'd be laughing too if it wasn't ME)... all while stringing ME along and still declaring he wants to marry me. He told his buddies that he was going to get together with her.
I couldn't breathe. My mouth got dry. And then, I was told that when a friend of a friend was visiting a few months ago, he spent time giving her foot massages.
And when I thought I couldn't hear any more, I was told that my b/f had cheated on his ex-girlfriend as well.
And here I've been hoping and praying he'll kick this addiction and be able to be with me??
I'm devastated.
And my mouth tastes like lead
kate
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
(((((((((dear kate))))))))))))))
sorry about your pain and sadness. cheating was always one of my big boundaries , i had very few. it made me crazy and i thought it was about me. it wasn't and his cheating isn't about you. it's about him, his drug use and abuse of his chemicals and everything he touches when he is using.addicts use everything and everyone while they are drugging. it has helped me to associate this sort of intolerable behavior with the illness, not him.then i've found that i needed to see reality as it was and address what i can endure in order to stay intimate in a realtionship.my husband has definately been involved with other women when he was using. along with that he was mean and blameful of me and i believed it had to do with me. it didn't, i'll say again. it does a number on the self-esteem and trust for sure. try not to take it real personal, and i know that is real hard.
my a has played around with people who i thiought were friends and that really hurts. i always found out eventually about most of it and you know what, i don't think it helped to know. i can remember an extreme physical reaction to hearing of his infidelities, and ironically it was a dear male friend who thought i should know. i always wanted to know in the past and i don't think i ever want to know again. at least not the details. what i do know and accept is that when he is actively using his morals and values get moved to accomodate the moment and what would be appealing to him under the influence. usually the women were more fun than i was and he had the drugs and the money and the power to play with them. when he sobers up and tries to remember, who knows what he can pull up, he has a lot of blackouts, but i do know from the apologies and a few things he said afterwards that the disgust in his behaviors are shared by him. this could be a novel, but i want to support u so i continue to write.i guess i would like to share to you, that if you are involved with a using addict, expect he will act like one, and don't pretend in your heart that he's different than the rest. he's not. alanon has changed my attitudes and i can hear it in your post.
just for today, u should try to focus on what kate needs to have a good life. i assume and maybe i shouldn't , but a cheating affair isn't something that will contribute to your happiness. i hope u can figure out boundaries and keep yourself safe as u stay involved with him. remember that addiction active destroys evertything, especially trust. u can still love him, if u want , but u need to love yourself more and not put up with it. i.m not trying to be bossy, i just remember the pain, and my heart still races a little as i think back to 4 years ago and the numbness of betrayal. stay strong and focused on u and try to detach, and do right for yourself. he is accountable for his behavior, and also sounds like he has problems with commitment. this is normal for addicts, the only commitment that rules their life when not in recovery is the commitment to the doc and all the attitudes and behaviors that will protect that usage.you are in my heart and prayers and i wish i could give u a hug,(cyber hugs to u) and stay here and post when it gets too much for u.
hugs from sugar
ps things will get better, god has a good plan for u, u just have to participate.
sorry about your pain and sadness. cheating was always one of my big boundaries , i had very few. it made me crazy and i thought it was about me. it wasn't and his cheating isn't about you. it's about him, his drug use and abuse of his chemicals and everything he touches when he is using.addicts use everything and everyone while they are drugging. it has helped me to associate this sort of intolerable behavior with the illness, not him.then i've found that i needed to see reality as it was and address what i can endure in order to stay intimate in a realtionship.my husband has definately been involved with other women when he was using. along with that he was mean and blameful of me and i believed it had to do with me. it didn't, i'll say again. it does a number on the self-esteem and trust for sure. try not to take it real personal, and i know that is real hard.
my a has played around with people who i thiought were friends and that really hurts. i always found out eventually about most of it and you know what, i don't think it helped to know. i can remember an extreme physical reaction to hearing of his infidelities, and ironically it was a dear male friend who thought i should know. i always wanted to know in the past and i don't think i ever want to know again. at least not the details. what i do know and accept is that when he is actively using his morals and values get moved to accomodate the moment and what would be appealing to him under the influence. usually the women were more fun than i was and he had the drugs and the money and the power to play with them. when he sobers up and tries to remember, who knows what he can pull up, he has a lot of blackouts, but i do know from the apologies and a few things he said afterwards that the disgust in his behaviors are shared by him. this could be a novel, but i want to support u so i continue to write.i guess i would like to share to you, that if you are involved with a using addict, expect he will act like one, and don't pretend in your heart that he's different than the rest. he's not. alanon has changed my attitudes and i can hear it in your post.
just for today, u should try to focus on what kate needs to have a good life. i assume and maybe i shouldn't , but a cheating affair isn't something that will contribute to your happiness. i hope u can figure out boundaries and keep yourself safe as u stay involved with him. remember that addiction active destroys evertything, especially trust. u can still love him, if u want , but u need to love yourself more and not put up with it. i.m not trying to be bossy, i just remember the pain, and my heart still races a little as i think back to 4 years ago and the numbness of betrayal. stay strong and focused on u and try to detach, and do right for yourself. he is accountable for his behavior, and also sounds like he has problems with commitment. this is normal for addicts, the only commitment that rules their life when not in recovery is the commitment to the doc and all the attitudes and behaviors that will protect that usage.you are in my heart and prayers and i wish i could give u a hug,(cyber hugs to u) and stay here and post when it gets too much for u.
hugs from sugar
ps things will get better, god has a good plan for u, u just have to participate.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Kate,
I am sorry for your pain. I agree with Sugar that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with insecurity on your bf's part. Cheating may be a way to feel more powerful and in control when they are feeling so out of control and unhappy.
So now what? Can you imagine your life without this person? What are your personal boundaries about cheating? These are the things you need to sort out now.
I sometimes wish that I knew what I know today before I got involved with my husband of 20 years. But the truth is, I had reservations 20 years ago and went forward with the marriage anyway. I think because I didn't want to be alone and because he thought I was wonderful and my self esteem was so low.
Over the past year I have learned that there are no right answers to what to do, only choices that seem to fit the best for each of us at one particular point in time. Tomorrow those choices may not fit . Treat yourself kindly, this is a big blow, take it slow. My prayers are with you.
I am sorry for your pain. I agree with Sugar that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with insecurity on your bf's part. Cheating may be a way to feel more powerful and in control when they are feeling so out of control and unhappy.
So now what? Can you imagine your life without this person? What are your personal boundaries about cheating? These are the things you need to sort out now.
I sometimes wish that I knew what I know today before I got involved with my husband of 20 years. But the truth is, I had reservations 20 years ago and went forward with the marriage anyway. I think because I didn't want to be alone and because he thought I was wonderful and my self esteem was so low.
Over the past year I have learned that there are no right answers to what to do, only choices that seem to fit the best for each of us at one particular point in time. Tomorrow those choices may not fit . Treat yourself kindly, this is a big blow, take it slow. My prayers are with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
Thank you soooooooo much for the support! I inhaled every word, and it really means a lot to me. I don't know what I would do without you guys and your loving insight.
Because of those kind words, and the new strength and faith I've slowly been gaining, I'm feeling 100% better today.
I was already learning to detach with love, so I allowed myself to absorb this news, accept it, and decide that it is better for me to simply not have someone like that in my life right now. Isn't that what we decide for ourselves, what is good for us Right Now?
And thanks for telling me it had nothing to do with me. That really helped a ton. Hugs to ALL of you!
kate
Because of those kind words, and the new strength and faith I've slowly been gaining, I'm feeling 100% better today.
I was already learning to detach with love, so I allowed myself to absorb this news, accept it, and decide that it is better for me to simply not have someone like that in my life right now. Isn't that what we decide for ourselves, what is good for us Right Now?
And thanks for telling me it had nothing to do with me. That really helped a ton. Hugs to ALL of you!
kate
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