Light bulb moment? Kinda long..
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
Light bulb moment? Kinda long..
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, praying etc.
Yesterday my bf/x (who knows anymore) had to go to the hospital. 90 percent of the time in the past when he’s had to go to the hospital before it was some how drinking related. He has blood pressure problems, heart problems (not sure exactly what), asthma. When he called me from the hospital, he sounded just like he did when he was coming off a drunk. His boss said he was not drunk, my friend swore he has not taken a drink in almost a month and stopped the pills over a week ago. There is no indication he is not telling the truth. He told me the reason he was in the hospital is he has not been taking his medicine like he is supposed to. Why? He felt better and didn’t think he needed it, that he doesn’t like to think of himself as having health problems and he knew he had to follow up for more appointments and get refills, but didn’t have the time. He does not eat right either.
I was so upset – compassion that he was in the hospital would have been the right emotion, but instead it was anger.
Then it dawned on my MY issues in the whole thing. I’m tired of all his problems and issues, of being his emotional support of whether he makes it or not, of being like his mother to tell him: to take his medicine, when are you going to get a real job with health benefits, you need a retirement plan, when are you going to start classes to get your license back, why aren’t you going to take care of your legal issues, not to mention having absolutely no trust when it comes to his drinking.
I also know what I’m doing that is not right now matter how you look at it. Keeping him around for my benefit – to hang around when I’m bored or feel like his company knowing full well as of now, I know I’ll never marry this man. It’s not fair to him no matter what his addiction has caused him to do. It’s not right to keep pushing him away when he wants to give me a hug or kiss, yet I’ll go to a movie with him or to dinner.
I told him how I felt, and I feel so guilty. He was very upset and yet was still willing to take crumbs from me. And then he threw in some guilt and manipulation.
Thanks for letting me vent
Yesterday my bf/x (who knows anymore) had to go to the hospital. 90 percent of the time in the past when he’s had to go to the hospital before it was some how drinking related. He has blood pressure problems, heart problems (not sure exactly what), asthma. When he called me from the hospital, he sounded just like he did when he was coming off a drunk. His boss said he was not drunk, my friend swore he has not taken a drink in almost a month and stopped the pills over a week ago. There is no indication he is not telling the truth. He told me the reason he was in the hospital is he has not been taking his medicine like he is supposed to. Why? He felt better and didn’t think he needed it, that he doesn’t like to think of himself as having health problems and he knew he had to follow up for more appointments and get refills, but didn’t have the time. He does not eat right either.
I was so upset – compassion that he was in the hospital would have been the right emotion, but instead it was anger.
Then it dawned on my MY issues in the whole thing. I’m tired of all his problems and issues, of being his emotional support of whether he makes it or not, of being like his mother to tell him: to take his medicine, when are you going to get a real job with health benefits, you need a retirement plan, when are you going to start classes to get your license back, why aren’t you going to take care of your legal issues, not to mention having absolutely no trust when it comes to his drinking.
I also know what I’m doing that is not right now matter how you look at it. Keeping him around for my benefit – to hang around when I’m bored or feel like his company knowing full well as of now, I know I’ll never marry this man. It’s not fair to him no matter what his addiction has caused him to do. It’s not right to keep pushing him away when he wants to give me a hug or kiss, yet I’ll go to a movie with him or to dinner.
I told him how I felt, and I feel so guilty. He was very upset and yet was still willing to take crumbs from me. And then he threw in some guilt and manipulation.
Thanks for letting me vent
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ahhh hon... dont beat yourself up.
I did that... Sometimes we just need that kick in the bum to realize what we are doing ... your righ it is not fair to hang on to any part of them... just prolongs the hurt.
I had a friend, We met and had alot in common, but there was no chemistry for me... He on the other hand had ALOT of chemistry..... I was honest about never being in a relationship with him... but at the same time, I would accept his help, lean on him when I was hurting, go on vacations with him... etc.... I think now he was my safty blanket.
Was not healthy for either of us... the light bulb came on when he said he compares other girls to me..... ACK he was not going to focus on another relationship cuz he still had hopes and I was making it worse.... bad me.
But ... now you see it, so now you know what you need to do....
I did that... Sometimes we just need that kick in the bum to realize what we are doing ... your righ it is not fair to hang on to any part of them... just prolongs the hurt.
I had a friend, We met and had alot in common, but there was no chemistry for me... He on the other hand had ALOT of chemistry..... I was honest about never being in a relationship with him... but at the same time, I would accept his help, lean on him when I was hurting, go on vacations with him... etc.... I think now he was my safty blanket.
Was not healthy for either of us... the light bulb came on when he said he compares other girls to me..... ACK he was not going to focus on another relationship cuz he still had hopes and I was making it worse.... bad me.
But ... now you see it, so now you know what you need to do....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
Thanks Cnay,
Just feel bad, for hurting him. We both are unhealthy for sure and I think that's why we've had this "dance" for over 3 years now. And I do feel bad, that I'm now getting it at the time that it seems he is finally getting his act together. Perhaps all the years of bad - really did take a toll on my feelings for him. And like your friend, he wants a future with me - no matter how bad it is between us. And like a true codie, I'm so afraid he will return to drinking, not taking care of himself etc if I stay gone. But I know I have no control over that.
Just feel bad, for hurting him. We both are unhealthy for sure and I think that's why we've had this "dance" for over 3 years now. And I do feel bad, that I'm now getting it at the time that it seems he is finally getting his act together. Perhaps all the years of bad - really did take a toll on my feelings for him. And like your friend, he wants a future with me - no matter how bad it is between us. And like a true codie, I'm so afraid he will return to drinking, not taking care of himself etc if I stay gone. But I know I have no control over that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Yeppers we dont have control...
Mine dance went on for 5 years... so your ahead of my game.
One thing I did find though is when it would end, and it did about every 3 months... he would actually take better care of himself, almost "showing" me what Im losing by not being interested in him.... I felt bad too, but all you can do now is keep getting healthy and let him create his own life and become happy and healthy too.
Mine dance went on for 5 years... so your ahead of my game.
One thing I did find though is when it would end, and it did about every 3 months... he would actually take better care of himself, almost "showing" me what Im losing by not being interested in him.... I felt bad too, but all you can do now is keep getting healthy and let him create his own life and become happy and healthy too.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
One thing is for sure- it's better that you had this light bulb moment sooner than later. What you described up there really is not fair to either one of you. At least you were very honest with him so don't feel guilty about it. Hopefully, you will both be able to move on and find what you are both looking for in life. All the best to you. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
[QUOTE=brdlvr2][font=Times New Roman][size=3]I also know what I’m doing that is not right now matter how you look at it. Keeping him around for my benefit – to hang around when I’m bored or feel like his company knowing full well as of now, I know I’ll never marry this man. It’s not fair to him no matter what his addiction has caused him to do. It’s not right to keep pushing him away when he wants to give me a hug or kiss, yet I’ll go to a movie with him or to dinner.
This is what it is like at my house too. I need that light bulb to kick in. I had a talk with my A and told him that he needed rehab. (in a nice and caring way) He refused. Said he didn't need it, then stayed "sober" for 5 days to "prove" to me that he wasn't an A! HA! He has been drinking ever since.He also told me in that conversation that he can't marry me because "it would be benieth his dignity"!!!!!!! (I had had an afair that broke up our marrage, then we got back together) Well, maybe is is "beneith MY dignity" to live with an alcoholic!!!!!
I have to get a few things in order first to be able to make a move. Then there is that part of me that enjoys the good times (and there are some when he is sober) that we have.
I guess there are no perfect answers.
This is what it is like at my house too. I need that light bulb to kick in. I had a talk with my A and told him that he needed rehab. (in a nice and caring way) He refused. Said he didn't need it, then stayed "sober" for 5 days to "prove" to me that he wasn't an A! HA! He has been drinking ever since.He also told me in that conversation that he can't marry me because "it would be benieth his dignity"!!!!!!! (I had had an afair that broke up our marrage, then we got back together) Well, maybe is is "beneith MY dignity" to live with an alcoholic!!!!!
I have to get a few things in order first to be able to make a move. Then there is that part of me that enjoys the good times (and there are some when he is sober) that we have.
I guess there are no perfect answers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by brdlvr2
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]I also know what I’m doing that is not right now matter how you look at it. Keeping him around for my benefit – to hang around when I’m bored or feel like his company knowing full well as of now, I know I’ll never marry this man. It’s not fair to him no matter what his addiction has caused him to do. It’s not right to keep pushing him away when he wants to give me a hug or kiss, yet I’ll go to a movie with him or to dinner.
This is what it is like at my house too. I need that light bulb to kick in. I had a talk with my A and told him that he needed rehab. (in a nice and caring way) He refused. Said he didn't need it, then stayed "sober" for 5 days to "prove" to me that he wasn't an A! HA! He has been drinking ever since.He also told me in that conversation that he can't marry me because "it would be benieth his dignity"!!!!!!! (I had had an afair that broke up our marrage, then we got back together) Well, maybe is is "beneith MY dignity" to live with an alcoholic!!!!!
I have to get a few things in order first to be able to make a move. Then there is that part of me that enjoys the good times (and there are some when he is sober) that we have.
I guess there are no perfect answers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Cupowater Quote:
that he can't marry me because "it would be benieth his dignity"!!!!!!!
I can't imagine staying one more minute with a man that felt that way about me,
no matter how many good times we had....
that he can't marry me because "it would be benieth his dignity"!!!!!!!
I can't imagine staying one more minute with a man that felt that way about me,
no matter how many good times we had....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by pmaslan
I can't imagine staying one more minute with a man that felt that way about me,
no matter how many good times we had....
no matter how many good times we had....
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by brdlvr2
... I’m tired of all his problems and issues, of being his emotional support of whether he makes it or not, of being like his mother to tell him: to take his medicine, when are you going to get a real job with health benefits, you need a retirement plan, when are you going to start classes to get your license back, why aren’t you going to take care of your legal issues....
On the other hand, making a change from the current situation will be painful and hard - either way, it won't be easy, but it sounds like you are coming to some awareness of what you need to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I know the details of your divorce Cup...perhaps you can find a really good
attorney now that can help right some of those wrongs.....no harm in looking
into that....I wouldn't trust your ex to go 50-50 after all that would be
beneth his dignity, I'd imagine....
Sorry for the derail Brdlvr.....
attorney now that can help right some of those wrongs.....no harm in looking
into that....I wouldn't trust your ex to go 50-50 after all that would be
beneth his dignity, I'd imagine....
Sorry for the derail Brdlvr.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
Well for all my feeling guilty, last night I got another reason for not wanting this relationship. Turns out he didn't go to work yesterday. His boss, banged and banged on his door in the morning and heard the TV on but no answer. My bf calls me early yesterday evening saying he can't get a hold of the boss to pay his rent (his boss holds his money each week until he gets caught up). Lied to the boss and lied to me saying he was talking to landlord inthe morning when boss was banging on door (landlord said, no he was not in the office in the morning). My friend finally called his boss at 4p.m that afternoon asking where he was ?? So my guess/hunch is that he did in fact drink over our situation, missed work, was passed out when the boss came to pick him up for work, lied to me and the boss, made boss look bad to landlord (for "not showing up to pay his rent") and when I got mad for not wanting to go pick up money from boss for him (I was in the area) he said "thanks for getting me kicked out?" !! Um, no... once again - he made wrong choices and not being responsible. Thank goodness landlord took pity on him and let his stay there last night as long as he gets rent today. Sheesh. How many signs do I need to show me to trust my gut/feelings and not feel bad for what I feel. And even if I'm wrong about the drinking - which I highly doubt, he still lied yet again..
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
You are right that it is HIS problem for not being responsible. If/when he gets kicked out, of course it is not your fault no matter how he tries to spin it. YOU are not responsible for the lease that HE signed. He's a grown man for crying out loud. Just tend to your own business and keep moving forward. Be thankful that you are not married to this man.
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