telling him I think he's unsafe to look after his son?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 29
telling him I think he's unsafe to look after his son?
hi - i'm asking alot of questions -
I am supposed to be going away for an overnight stay next week for a meeting for work, because of the timing I can finish work on the tuesday, take my son home from daycare drive up to the hotel and get there late, have the meeting at lunchtime on wednesday and then drive back. My husband works a late shift on the thursday (1.30pm to 9.30pm) and and early shift on the wednesday (7.15-3.15). We had originally areed that he would take time off (so that he could take overfrom me when I drop our son at home, look after him overnight and be able to drop him into daycare in the morning) - I had suggested he take half days, but he told me yesterday that he has booked 2 whole days off.
Ever since he told me this my anxiety has gone through the roof - he doesn't drink at work, but if he isn't there AND he has access to alcohol, then he is drinking. The reason I am way more anxious about this now is that he will have had a whole day to drink (plus topping up from the evening before, because he will be "on holiday" before I hand our 3 year old over) and there is no way I can guarantee he will be sober enough to be safe (there is not a cat in hell's chance of him not drinking at all - and if he told me that was the case I'd want medical proof because he lies about whether/how much he has drunk at all stages of inebriation)
Sometimes it is slow and steady throughout the day and it can be 10pm before he is drunk enough to pass out, often though he is passed out at between 4 and 8pm if he's had the opportunity to drink all day - and obviously his thought processes are not A1 before he gets to that point. I can tell that he has had a drink, and I can tell when he is beyond the passing out stage - a kind of living-dead stage that is particularly prone to aggression) but I can't tell where he is in between. This will be 5 days after payday, the more I think about it the more I cannot leave our son with him for that length of time. I have left him in charge or our son overnight 3 times in 3 years and twice he was with a large number of other family members (the 3rd time he was in counselling for alcohol issues and seemed a bit better, but I was a wreck the whole time I was away) I trust my son with other people so its not me that's overprotective (I don't think, I still can't get out of the see-saw of being really worried that my son will be unsafe/worried that I am over-reacting).
My boss has suggested that we may need to start cancel a few meetings because of our increased work-load over the next few weeks - so this could be an option, but its not assured because things turn around so quickly, and would this be ducking the issue? The fact is I don't consider leaving his son with him safe - I should be able to do this wholeheartedly. It is beneficial to me to present at this meeting, I won't always be able to (if I can this time) cancel work plans).
How do I tackle this? do I tell him I am concerned about leaving our son with him? do you tell them that its because of the alcohol. I am scared of the confrontation (not because of any physical comeback), but things have been quite calm for a bit - I don't want to rock the boat, I know that's pathetic.
and then - the only people we have round here to babysit are his brother and girlfriend, but I'd have to tell them why I wasn't leaving his son with him - I'm not sure they'd believe me - or agree to do it under those circumstances.
I know none of this means anyting weighed against the possible safety of my child but I just don't know how best to approach things. I don't know what words to actually say to him. this is pathetic.
I am supposed to be going away for an overnight stay next week for a meeting for work, because of the timing I can finish work on the tuesday, take my son home from daycare drive up to the hotel and get there late, have the meeting at lunchtime on wednesday and then drive back. My husband works a late shift on the thursday (1.30pm to 9.30pm) and and early shift on the wednesday (7.15-3.15). We had originally areed that he would take time off (so that he could take overfrom me when I drop our son at home, look after him overnight and be able to drop him into daycare in the morning) - I had suggested he take half days, but he told me yesterday that he has booked 2 whole days off.
Ever since he told me this my anxiety has gone through the roof - he doesn't drink at work, but if he isn't there AND he has access to alcohol, then he is drinking. The reason I am way more anxious about this now is that he will have had a whole day to drink (plus topping up from the evening before, because he will be "on holiday" before I hand our 3 year old over) and there is no way I can guarantee he will be sober enough to be safe (there is not a cat in hell's chance of him not drinking at all - and if he told me that was the case I'd want medical proof because he lies about whether/how much he has drunk at all stages of inebriation)
Sometimes it is slow and steady throughout the day and it can be 10pm before he is drunk enough to pass out, often though he is passed out at between 4 and 8pm if he's had the opportunity to drink all day - and obviously his thought processes are not A1 before he gets to that point. I can tell that he has had a drink, and I can tell when he is beyond the passing out stage - a kind of living-dead stage that is particularly prone to aggression) but I can't tell where he is in between. This will be 5 days after payday, the more I think about it the more I cannot leave our son with him for that length of time. I have left him in charge or our son overnight 3 times in 3 years and twice he was with a large number of other family members (the 3rd time he was in counselling for alcohol issues and seemed a bit better, but I was a wreck the whole time I was away) I trust my son with other people so its not me that's overprotective (I don't think, I still can't get out of the see-saw of being really worried that my son will be unsafe/worried that I am over-reacting).
My boss has suggested that we may need to start cancel a few meetings because of our increased work-load over the next few weeks - so this could be an option, but its not assured because things turn around so quickly, and would this be ducking the issue? The fact is I don't consider leaving his son with him safe - I should be able to do this wholeheartedly. It is beneficial to me to present at this meeting, I won't always be able to (if I can this time) cancel work plans).
How do I tackle this? do I tell him I am concerned about leaving our son with him? do you tell them that its because of the alcohol. I am scared of the confrontation (not because of any physical comeback), but things have been quite calm for a bit - I don't want to rock the boat, I know that's pathetic.
and then - the only people we have round here to babysit are his brother and girlfriend, but I'd have to tell them why I wasn't leaving his son with him - I'm not sure they'd believe me - or agree to do it under those circumstances.
I know none of this means anyting weighed against the possible safety of my child but I just don't know how best to approach things. I don't know what words to actually say to him. this is pathetic.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Priorities
As you try to balance work against safety, you will run yourself into the ground with doubts and wory.
On this hand going is good....on this hand, not going is good.
Would they have day care at the meeting site?
What ever you say to him, say it with a calm soft tone.
"After some thought, I just don't feel comfortable leaving a 3 year old with someone who drinks as you do" Sorry to bring this up on short notice but that is how my feelings came to me on this subject...on short notice.
Weigh out your options and do what you feel is the best for you and your son. No matter what your choice is, you will run into some sort of discomfort on an emotional level. Pick the option that fits your priorities and pray.
As you try to balance work against safety, you will run yourself into the ground with doubts and wory.
On this hand going is good....on this hand, not going is good.
Would they have day care at the meeting site?
What ever you say to him, say it with a calm soft tone.
"After some thought, I just don't feel comfortable leaving a 3 year old with someone who drinks as you do" Sorry to bring this up on short notice but that is how my feelings came to me on this subject...on short notice.
Weigh out your options and do what you feel is the best for you and your son. No matter what your choice is, you will run into some sort of discomfort on an emotional level. Pick the option that fits your priorities and pray.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
