What do YOU want out of a relationship?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
What do YOU want out of a relationship?
As I read and reread some of these threads I find myself wondering what people (myself included) are looking for in a relationship so I'm asking..
Although I'm in recovery and dating a really wonderful guy (and as I have too much time on my hands) I notice that I'm starting to question things I probably wouldn't..Now since I've had enough recovery I know better then to act on any of my thoughts, I just tend to think too much still..
So what I'm looking for in a relationship is:
romance
someone who makes me laugh
financial stability (in myself and my mate)
someone who does not have an addictive personality (no smoker, minimal drinker etc).
compassion, empathy
someone who will listen to what I have to say and take appropriate action (if necessary)
As my sponsor says that you need to become the person you want to be with..which I think I am today.
The one thing I am missing in my relationship is passion..you know that crazy "can't live with you or without you" feeling..which in the past was indicative of how sick I was...
but I still miss it..I guess I will just have to create passion in other parts of my life..I really don't miss the chaos of a relationship with an active A but I'm not having as many butterflies..
which could also be since I was injured and I'm unemployed I'm alittle down..
So..what do YOU want out of a relationship?
Although I'm in recovery and dating a really wonderful guy (and as I have too much time on my hands) I notice that I'm starting to question things I probably wouldn't..Now since I've had enough recovery I know better then to act on any of my thoughts, I just tend to think too much still..
So what I'm looking for in a relationship is:
romance
someone who makes me laugh
financial stability (in myself and my mate)
someone who does not have an addictive personality (no smoker, minimal drinker etc).
compassion, empathy
someone who will listen to what I have to say and take appropriate action (if necessary)
As my sponsor says that you need to become the person you want to be with..which I think I am today.
The one thing I am missing in my relationship is passion..you know that crazy "can't live with you or without you" feeling..which in the past was indicative of how sick I was...
but I still miss it..I guess I will just have to create passion in other parts of my life..I really don't miss the chaos of a relationship with an active A but I'm not having as many butterflies..
which could also be since I was injured and I'm unemployed I'm alittle down..
So..what do YOU want out of a relationship?
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Minx1969
The one thing I am missing in my relationship is passion..you know that crazy "can't live with you or without you" feeling..which in the past was indicative of how sick I was...
Is that normal!?!?!?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Heya Minx,
Great question.
hmmm.... I don't use the same words you do. Guess we have different dictionaries.
Here's the way it works for me:
Addiction == crazy "can't live with you or without you" feeling
Passion == healthy "I totally feel safe and comfortable with you" feeling
Perhaps if you find yourself looking for a "sick" feeling in your relationship, and not finding it, that would be a sign that your relationship is healthy.
Perhaps you might want to do a "mini 4th step" on just those words that you are using and dig out what they _really_ mean to you in the way of specific behaviors, expectations and resentments. When I do that it clarifies up tons of stuff.
Mike :-)
Great question.
Originally Posted by Minx1969
...The one thing I am missing in my relationship is passion..you know that crazy "can't live with you or without you" feeling...
Here's the way it works for me:
Addiction == crazy "can't live with you or without you" feeling
Passion == healthy "I totally feel safe and comfortable with you" feeling
Perhaps if you find yourself looking for a "sick" feeling in your relationship, and not finding it, that would be a sign that your relationship is healthy.
Perhaps you might want to do a "mini 4th step" on just those words that you are using and dig out what they _really_ mean to you in the way of specific behaviors, expectations and resentments. When I do that it clarifies up tons of stuff.
Mike :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Jazz,
I don't know if it's normal or not..I know that the two guys I was head over heels crazy about ..were as sick as I was at the time..
I do feel passion about other things..I love to travel, I love to ride horses..
and I do really love my boyfriend..it's just today I know I can live without him..that I will be ok..
the other relationships I wasn't so sure..
I don't know if it's normal or not..I know that the two guys I was head over heels crazy about ..were as sick as I was at the time..
I do feel passion about other things..I love to travel, I love to ride horses..
and I do really love my boyfriend..it's just today I know I can live without him..that I will be ok..
the other relationships I wasn't so sure..
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Interesting that you have posted this. The past 2 days I've been going through my old posts and found one in particular that was basically a list of what I won't accept in a relationship.
So what is it that I want out of a relationship? Hmm....
I'd like to have a partner to share my life with. Note the key words being "partner" and "sharing".
I'd like to have a relationship of mutual love, respect, and honesty. One where we each bring out the best in each other. One where we both support each other, as well as protect and defend in love if that need arises.
I'd like to have someone that is my best friend. Someone I can laugh with and enjoy life with. Someone that I can be honest with and have it returned. Someone that is my best friend.
To be able to share my life with someone that is responsible - both financially as well as maturely responsible. Someone that knows himself well enough to be himself and will accept me as I am without trying to change me too.
I'd like to have a relationship where I feel relaxed and comforted. To have that feeling of just knowing that the person I am with truly loves me. The peaceful feeling of being loved in a healthy way is just peaceful and content.
Reading that back, I guess I'd sum it up by saying that I wish to have a relationship where each of us knows we are loved by the other - feels that love - and that our relationship will be one of sharing our lives together. Not just existing or whatnot - but really sharing together.
And now that you've got me thinking....hmmmm.......
So what is it that I want out of a relationship? Hmm....
I'd like to have a partner to share my life with. Note the key words being "partner" and "sharing".
I'd like to have a relationship of mutual love, respect, and honesty. One where we each bring out the best in each other. One where we both support each other, as well as protect and defend in love if that need arises.
I'd like to have someone that is my best friend. Someone I can laugh with and enjoy life with. Someone that I can be honest with and have it returned. Someone that is my best friend.
To be able to share my life with someone that is responsible - both financially as well as maturely responsible. Someone that knows himself well enough to be himself and will accept me as I am without trying to change me too.
I'd like to have a relationship where I feel relaxed and comforted. To have that feeling of just knowing that the person I am with truly loves me. The peaceful feeling of being loved in a healthy way is just peaceful and content.
Reading that back, I guess I'd sum it up by saying that I wish to have a relationship where each of us knows we are loved by the other - feels that love - and that our relationship will be one of sharing our lives together. Not just existing or whatnot - but really sharing together.
And now that you've got me thinking....hmmmm.......
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Perhaps you might want to do a "mini 4th step" on just those words that you are using and dig out what they _really_ mean to you in the way of specific behaviors, expectations and resentments. When I do that it clarifies up tons of stuff.
Great idea! I think L and I do have a really healthy relationship..maybe what I'm missing is romance...and I recently had a discussion with L about that..he admitted that he had been obsessing about work and not putting much effort into keeping our relationship up..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
ICU, I'm with you! My sponsor has suggested strongly that I abstain from entering another relationship for a MINIMUM of 6 months. It's been almost 2 months since the fiasco with my ex and I am just now starting to be a little accepting of the fact that I am not in a relationship right now, and I'm still alive LOL! It is unnatural for me to not be in a relationship as I have moved from one to another since the age of 19 to make me feel "complete".
To answer the question though, my sponsor had me write a "wish list" of what I wanted in a partner which really got me to thinking.
I want someone who:
Has a similar belief system as me - which for me means Christianity
Is kind, caring, compassionate
Is able to express their thoughts and emotions freely and in appropriate ways
Is very affectionate
Has a great sense of humor
Accepts me exactly the way I am with no desire to change me (this is a real biggie for me!)
Loves me even when I make mistakes, stands beside me instead of in front of me and is not afraid to tell me the truth even if it's going to **** me off
Is good to me, my kids and my family as well as his family
Is secure enough to allow me to do things on my own while maintaining his own friends and interest
Does not drink - or very rarely drinks
Who will encourage me to grow, to explore and become the best person I can be
Who will share equally in our success and failures
Who is employed and employable
Someone with a positive outlook on life
Someone who is not critical, mean, condescending, prejudiced
Someone intelligent and articulate
Whew! That's quite a list and I'm sure I could keep on going. Great question!
To answer the question though, my sponsor had me write a "wish list" of what I wanted in a partner which really got me to thinking.
I want someone who:
Has a similar belief system as me - which for me means Christianity
Is kind, caring, compassionate
Is able to express their thoughts and emotions freely and in appropriate ways
Is very affectionate
Has a great sense of humor
Accepts me exactly the way I am with no desire to change me (this is a real biggie for me!)
Loves me even when I make mistakes, stands beside me instead of in front of me and is not afraid to tell me the truth even if it's going to **** me off
Is good to me, my kids and my family as well as his family
Is secure enough to allow me to do things on my own while maintaining his own friends and interest
Does not drink - or very rarely drinks
Who will encourage me to grow, to explore and become the best person I can be
Who will share equally in our success and failures
Who is employed and employable
Someone with a positive outlook on life
Someone who is not critical, mean, condescending, prejudiced
Someone intelligent and articulate
Whew! That's quite a list and I'm sure I could keep on going. Great question!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by Kellye D
ICU, I'm with you! My sponsor has suggested strongly that I abstain from entering another relationship for a MINIMUM of 6 months.
Be happy it's only 6 months..My sponsor had me abstain for 12 months..I struggled a little since I was 35 at the time, and "thought" my clock was ticking..but I'm glad I waited..
L showed up in my life at work around the one year mark..My sponsor (and myself) wanted to make sure I wasn't going to jump right into anything..
Funny thing is now we've been together for 9 months and people keep asking when we are moving in..
You know what..at 37 I'm in no hurry..when I have a ring and a date set he can move in..
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Friendship - I believe friendship has a durable quality and includes a ton of the fun silly stuff like getting the giggles.
Passion - not possesion, passion for me is the feeling of knowing another's beauty, a pleasure in them that wells up inside, the thing that makes a people greet each other with a hug.
Being on the same path - sharing the most important principles, both looking to keep growing up, a sense of liking each other's ethics.
A pleasure in life - it may be at different things or come in different forms but having an enthusiasm for what's on offer to us each day.
Passion - not possesion, passion for me is the feeling of knowing another's beauty, a pleasure in them that wells up inside, the thing that makes a people greet each other with a hug.
Being on the same path - sharing the most important principles, both looking to keep growing up, a sense of liking each other's ethics.
A pleasure in life - it may be at different things or come in different forms but having an enthusiasm for what's on offer to us each day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
"IF" I were ready for a relationship, I'd pretty much want the things that all of you mentioned. To that list I would like to add:
I would want the person to be just as trustworthy behind my back as he is to my face!
I would want the person to be just as trustworthy behind my back as he is to my face!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Minx1969
I don't know if it's normal or not..I know that the two guys I was head over heels crazy about ..were as sick as I was at the time.
I would like all the above as well but I changed my mind on the passion thing. Last time I felt that... it didn't turn out too good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by ICU
Right now, absolutely nothing! I"m too busy learning how to be a better me!!
I"m too busy learning how to be a better me!!If I DID get in one, they would have to be someone who is confident in themself, SOBER, have respect enough for me to do the little things like carry in my bags, open doors, care about my saftey, (did I say SOBER???) LOVE art, clean and not stinkey, love art and my kids. :egg2
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hey Minx,
Although the situation is different, I do understand the passion thing. I dated several perfectly fine people, but never felt that thing. Along comes my future husband, and there it was. Passion, or at least my definition of it. I think it was based on the fact that we needed each other to feel that crazy happiness. I remember that it doesn't feel as exciting, but there has to be a value to the stable person that walks beside you and that supports you as a person the rest of your life. I learned my lesson the hard way. If I ever do have the chance to do it differently, I think I would pick loving stability over passion. But I know, that's easy to say and hard to do...
Although the situation is different, I do understand the passion thing. I dated several perfectly fine people, but never felt that thing. Along comes my future husband, and there it was. Passion, or at least my definition of it. I think it was based on the fact that we needed each other to feel that crazy happiness. I remember that it doesn't feel as exciting, but there has to be a value to the stable person that walks beside you and that supports you as a person the rest of your life. I learned my lesson the hard way. If I ever do have the chance to do it differently, I think I would pick loving stability over passion. But I know, that's easy to say and hard to do...
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Oh yes, the passion. I don't even feel capable of it. Does anyone else feel like that? Like their emotions are all..........gone????? I feel like I have "used up" all my "in love" emotions. That they couldn't be conjored up no matter how I try. I think that is one of the reasons that it isn't so hard for me to stay where I am right now, cause I am not missing it!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: dennis, ms
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by cupowater
Oh yes, the passion. I don't even feel capable of it. Does anyone else feel like that? Like their emotions are all..........gone????? I feel like I have "used up" all my "in love" emotions. That they couldn't be conjored up no matter how I try. I think that is one of the reasons that it isn't so hard for me to stay where I am right now, cause I am not missing it!
I feel the same way. Like it took every emotion I had just to be with my now ex.
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