Tiredx5

Hi everyone!

I haven't posted in awhile and just wanted to give an update. I have been watching my AH's actions instead of listening to his words. We have been separated since February and in my past posts I stated that he calls quite often. Well, I quit answering all his calls. When I did talk to him, it was about the children. Any conversations about "us" were derailed by me. Of course, I still got the quaking whenever he would catch me off guard (I will change, I will do anything to get you back, just give me another chance, etc.)

What I have noticed is that his actions do indeed speak louder than his words. Still the same old him, doing the same old stuff, saying things when he can to me that he thinks I want to hear.

On Wednesday of last week I made my decision. I will be filing for a divorce, I just need to get the retainer fee saved up. I told my AH that I couldn't do this anymore, and that I would be filing. I told him that perhaps someday he would decide that this was a good decision for him too. I told him that perhaps with me not trying to control him and his drinking, that he could actually find the true man I knew was there, without the alcohol. Needless to say, he was not happy with me. There were tears, begging, then when that didn't work, the yelling and ugly comments started (and ended!).

I have a lot of recoverying to do myself. I have to learn to trust myself again as well as trusting others. I have to learn to not take everything personally. I have to learn to accept that it's okay to say no. I need to learn to say what I mean and mean what I say. And I need to learn that my shadow isn't that scarey, and I should quit being so jumpy! LOL (I actually am quiet a bit calmer now!) I have some anger issues I need to deal with right now (my AH has all his friends and family running to his side aiding him in his time of need because he is the "poor victim" in this situation while I am home with the kids alone, trying to figure out how to feed everyone on 40 dollars and pay the light bill! LOL my anger is spewing out). I will get over it through the help of my counselor, my HP and al-anon! I still have a long road ahead of me, but I can make it. I only have to heal me now, not me and my AH.
Thanks for listening!
Ros

megamysterioso

((Ros))

I am happy that you've come to these realizations and made a decision that works for you and your children. I wish you a wonderful new beginning and life full of peace and happiness. It will take time to heal, but you will come out of this with flying colors!

denny57

(((Ros)))

It takes a lot of courage to make tough decisions either way. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Cynay

*HUGS*

I know how hard it is to just make the decision but that was probably the hardest part for me...

Keep strong and recovering and come and let us know what your thinking even if you just need to vent.