Feeling trapped
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: bangor maine
Posts: 44
Feeling trapped
As many times as I have thought about it over our 27 years together, I have just decided that I dont want to leave my a/h ever. I simply love him too much, and I know he would drink himself to death or worse in short order if I did. As I'm just learning about co-depenency, I know I have to learn to live differently with him now and take care of myself. Getting away from him would be great for me, even if just for a night, but he always relapses when I go away and Im a nervous wreck the whole time. We have a home based business and livestock farm that has lots of visitors that has to be taken care of 24/7. I cant just pick up and go off, even for the night without risking the welfare of my animals and my business. I love my animals , they give me strength and keep me going--so I never want to sell the farm--it's our dream together. Feeling really trapped!!
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR
Well you have made one of the hardest decisions so things are looking up. Its really had to come to a decision about staying or going...
I know the trapped feeling, but maybe we could all come up with practial ways of giving you the time you need. I know this sounds harsh... but, If your husband died, and you had to leave the farm to help your child in another state with surgery.... what options would you have with the farm?
Maybe hire someone to help (kinda like a housesitter) ... just throwing things out there.
Do you have Family that could help out?
Also now that you have make the decision to live with an Alcoholic ... I might advise that you work on getting the tools to learn to live that way... Counceling, reading, al-anon ... A support group... whatever you need to be happy as well.
I look forward to getting to know you!
Well you have made one of the hardest decisions so things are looking up. Its really had to come to a decision about staying or going...
I know the trapped feeling, but maybe we could all come up with practial ways of giving you the time you need. I know this sounds harsh... but, If your husband died, and you had to leave the farm to help your child in another state with surgery.... what options would you have with the farm?
Maybe hire someone to help (kinda like a housesitter) ... just throwing things out there.
Do you have Family that could help out?
Also now that you have make the decision to live with an Alcoholic ... I might advise that you work on getting the tools to learn to live that way... Counceling, reading, al-anon ... A support group... whatever you need to be happy as well.
I look forward to getting to know you!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I agree with Cynay
I certainly understand that you just can't leave your animals if your husband is plastered and can't care for them, but there are times when you need to get away. I leave for a weekend on average of once a month. One of my cats is notorious for running out the door, so I take him along. With my husband so drunk, he would never notice if the animal ran out or not.
As far as your going away and him tying on a bender, mine does that EVERY time I leave, so I prepare myself for what I'll come home to. Back in January, I was out of town for six days and for those six days he did not work - just laid on the couch and remained drunk. He kept calling in "sick" until his boss called and told him he was sympathetic, but work was really piling up.
I kinda get the feeling that you feel as if you are somehow responsible for your husband's drinking when you mention that if you left for good he would drink himself to death. Whether or not you stay or leave really does not have much to do with that. He'll drink himself to death, if he so desires, even if you stay. The three C's: you can't CONTROL it, you didn't CAUSE it, and you can't CURE it.
My husband decided to have a go at drinking himself to death when his former wife left him back in '98. He's still alive and he's still trying to drink himself to death. See? Circumstances change, but unless the alcoholic changes it doesn't matter what circumstances are currently happening in his life. And, in many cases, it can take years for someone to literally drink themselves to death. My husband has been hitting the bottle really hard for at least nine years, and he was abusing alcohol long before that. Heck, he looks like walking death at the age of 48, but he's still here!
As far as your going away and him tying on a bender, mine does that EVERY time I leave, so I prepare myself for what I'll come home to. Back in January, I was out of town for six days and for those six days he did not work - just laid on the couch and remained drunk. He kept calling in "sick" until his boss called and told him he was sympathetic, but work was really piling up.
I kinda get the feeling that you feel as if you are somehow responsible for your husband's drinking when you mention that if you left for good he would drink himself to death. Whether or not you stay or leave really does not have much to do with that. He'll drink himself to death, if he so desires, even if you stay. The three C's: you can't CONTROL it, you didn't CAUSE it, and you can't CURE it.
My husband decided to have a go at drinking himself to death when his former wife left him back in '98. He's still alive and he's still trying to drink himself to death. See? Circumstances change, but unless the alcoholic changes it doesn't matter what circumstances are currently happening in his life. And, in many cases, it can take years for someone to literally drink themselves to death. My husband has been hitting the bottle really hard for at least nine years, and he was abusing alcohol long before that. Heck, he looks like walking death at the age of 48, but he's still here!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: bangor maine
Posts: 44
I know it's healthy for me to get away, but I also have to weigh the risks. It's such a hard decision since it's so predictable that he will binge while I'm gone. We do use farm sitters when we go away together, but this would not work with my husband there drunk on the farm. Family help is not an option I'm afraid. I'm not feeling that I am responsible for his drinking, but if we did separate, I know he would go downhill faster and I fear he would commit suicide. I couldn't live with that either. I have a lot to sort out. Hopefully, I can find a way to find peace right here at home.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by lizzy girl
so I never want to sell the farm--it's our dream together. Feeling really trapped!!
I hope you can work out what is best for you. I'm confused by this, though. How can you feel really trapped if you are living your dream?
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When my husband is sober, it's a wonderful dream running the farm together. When he's on a binge, I just want to leave for a few days. That's when I feel trapped as I cant leave my animals.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by lizzy girl
When my husband is sober, it's a wonderful dream running the farm together. When he's on a binge, I just want to leave for a few days. That's when I feel trapped as I cant leave my animals.
If you truly feel you can't leave, I guess I'm asking is the drinking and adult movies infrequent enough that you can live with it? It doesn't sound like he thinks he has a problem or is going to do anything about it.
Have you done anything for you? Counseling? Al-Anon?
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((lizzy)))
You know your H could drink himself to death with or without you there. We think we are in control but we are not. You may think you keep him from drinking but that is not true. He still drinks no matter what you do or don't do doesn't he?
My H is addicted to crack and I tell you I have tried everything to make him stop...it scares me to death that he rides around on his motorcycle high and in bad neighborhoods to buy it. I worry a lot about him that is for sure but, I have finally learned that he is going to do what he does no matter what I do. Cause I am just not in control of him or his addiction.
I have learned to stop taking responsibility for what he does or does not do. If he gets a ticket or a fine that is his to deal with if he does not pay his child support it's on him not me. He tried to blame me because he did not take this course that he really wanted to take all I said is don't you think you should get clean first? So he spent the money on dope that he had put aside for this course and now in his "mind" it is my fault that he did not go. But it is in his mind not mine. I will not accept resposibility for what he did or does to himself.
I am sure you more than deserve some down time to yourself. I am hoping you can find a way to enjoy and take care of yourself. Keep posting his disease is not your fault.
You know your H could drink himself to death with or without you there. We think we are in control but we are not. You may think you keep him from drinking but that is not true. He still drinks no matter what you do or don't do doesn't he?
My H is addicted to crack and I tell you I have tried everything to make him stop...it scares me to death that he rides around on his motorcycle high and in bad neighborhoods to buy it. I worry a lot about him that is for sure but, I have finally learned that he is going to do what he does no matter what I do. Cause I am just not in control of him or his addiction.
I have learned to stop taking responsibility for what he does or does not do. If he gets a ticket or a fine that is his to deal with if he does not pay his child support it's on him not me. He tried to blame me because he did not take this course that he really wanted to take all I said is don't you think you should get clean first? So he spent the money on dope that he had put aside for this course and now in his "mind" it is my fault that he did not go. But it is in his mind not mine. I will not accept resposibility for what he did or does to himself.
I am sure you more than deserve some down time to yourself. I am hoping you can find a way to enjoy and take care of yourself. Keep posting his disease is not your fault.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ok... Im confused...
Why cant you hire a "farm sitter" when you H is there, on a binge???
Are you afraid that people will see him like that? If that is the case then you are letting him and his addiction control your actions... and your enabling him to do it.
What is the worse that could happen if you hired them?
Why cant you hire a "farm sitter" when you H is there, on a binge???
Are you afraid that people will see him like that? If that is the case then you are letting him and his addiction control your actions... and your enabling him to do it.
What is the worse that could happen if you hired them?
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