Ayers1995

I am curious of those who started out where I am and ended up deciding to live with their AH's and try to make their marriage work.


How did you work through the anger and resentment, if you had any?

If he is in recovery, How hard was it to change your lifestyle to adjust to this new person? (All of our friends are drinkers..)

Or, if he drinks ocassionally, Does that make your skin crawl?? How do you handle it?

How else can you live w/A without having to detach or live life around them?with little or no involvement)

If you fell out of love with them during the realization of all this, Can you fall back??


I'm just asking, because I began doing alot of thinking over the weekend, and I need answers of all sorts of things before I make any kinds of decisions. Go back or stay where I am.... I would need tools to be strong either way.

megamysterioso

I'm curious to see how people in that situation respond to this. I'm thinking of you Ayers and I hope you get the answers you are seeking.

Ayers1995

Thanks Mega! I'm curious too. Hope it didn't come across too korny...

Cat3

I am not an authority on this subject but I think it all comes down to what you are willing to accept. As Dr. Phil would call deal breakers, we learn to live with. Like a "letting go" and freeing yourself of the frustrations and hurts.

If you are willing to live like that and can find other activities to keep you busy and happy, fine. And here's the "but" -- are we willing to "accept" being the caretaker? Are we willing to become complacent and numb? It would be like taking a drug that would eliminate all your highs and lows of life and accept what is with your "roommate".

Only my ho...

Ayers1995

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in an answer... I know what you just described is not what I am willing to do or live with.

I guess I'm just really confused right now. I start buying into all of it, and start wondering if I could make things work. Maybe even if it were for a trial period or something....

pmaslan

A trial period......that is confusing to me....
What has changed that warrants a trial period?

denny57

Ayers, just want to send you good thoughts as you work through this. I'm someone who could no longer live with an AH so I can't respond to anything else.

Cynay

Awwww sweetie.... Ok, lets break it down for what it is. Mind you this is all my opinion and what I would do for me if in your situation.

1. Anger and resentment... Well I cant do this one alone, so I would have to get recovery for myself to work through all MY issues, then I would probably need help for my husband and I to work through OUR issues.... but to be honest, Im not sure I would give up my security to do that unless I felt pretty sure it would work out... and alot depends on what he is willing to do as well.

2) It was VERY hard to adjust to his new AA life when he got Sober.... (remember I did not have recovery then) It takes a long time and commentment and Im sure some changes on both sides. I Did not like it one bit that he would not go to friends/family house because they would drink, I did not like the idea that All our friends were now AA members and our old friends were by the wayside... I did not like that he would tell me I did not understand him, and spend all his time with his new "fellowship" that understood him... Now you have to remember ... back then I was not willing to get help for myself either ...

3) If he could drink socially he would not be an alcoholic .... so YEA if what he did and his drinking was what caused me to leave, I dont know if I would even try that... after all Im guessing we have tryed his Social drinking before and it did not work.

4) I dont know if I could live with an A without detaching - and for a long time his life will be all about him, if he is serious about staying sober... That is where working your program would come into effect, and building a life and finding peace seperate from him.

5) Of course you call fall back inlove.... but is it probable???? No one can answer this but you... Looking at your set of circumstances and working with them. Also what are your boundries? Is he willing to live with them? My next question would be... what is the hurry, you can work on a marriage/recovery living apart as well... beats having to go through that moving out thing again and what I call the yo yo effect.

Why the pressure of moving back in NOW and working on the marriage.... Cant he work on what he needs to and let you see by his actions that its real?

Ayers1995

First to Patty... Not really much has changed since last week.

In the beginning when all of this first started coming to light for me, I shut down. All emotions just stopped. I didn't feel love, I didn't feel hurt, or hate.... After some time, the numbness is slowly starting to subside. Now...I guess I'm wondering if I really gave his efforts a chance, or if I may have been setting him up to fail. For instance...we had our first talk... (or 1st he took serious )and it was about him not doing anything around the house, for the kids, spending time on the computer and drinking. So he started doing those things. Then, I didn't acknowledge those things, maybe because I knew the pressure would get to him...and he'd drink.

Then it became all about the drinking. Maybe that's what it was all about anyway...

Now...that some of the feeling (not sure what the feeling is..) is coming around, I'm wondering if it could work. I mean... if he is trying to quit drinking and continue to work on our family 1st,(continue counseling and AA) then I wonder if I could be happy and eventually attempt a trial thing..
I'm just kind of using this as a sounding board...so to say. I haven't made any kind of decisions or said anything out loud...just thinking...

Ayers1995

Cynay...

1. Yes, we definately need to continue the counseling to work through all sorts of things and feelings. I agree. Thanks.

2. Yes, I am scared of not liking the new life... I don't have alot of recovery under my belt so far either... Not sure if I want to leave all my friends behind for new ones.. or if he'd even participate with them w/o pressure of drinking. (he's always been the one to pressure others..imagine that)

3. You right, even if he drank socially, he'd still be an alcoholic....

4. Wow... if I'm detached and building a life seperate from him... It doesn't seem like much of a marriage or partnership, right?

5. I'm not really sure what the hurry is. He says if I was there, it'd be easier for him not to drink...he could hold it together. Now the logical...recovering side of me says..he should be able to anyway!! But the other side of me wonders.... Also, the counselor believes to try and build a bond back between us, we would need to be under the same roof...not growing independent from each other? That might not have come out right....

What I was considering... was maybe slowly spend a little time together, maybe lunch. Then... maybe go on a date.... then maybe .... some other step... Does any of this sound crazy????? Did I lose my mind over the weekend???

LaTeeDa

All I see there is a HUGE red flag. Putting responsibility for his sobriety on YOU. And I still have a hard time seeing how this counselor is a benefit to you.

JMO,
L

gelfling

Therapy and alanon. I was sick too. I had to make myself better and with my continued growth, I learned he (husband and son) were sick. All our friends and family are big boozers and were at the time he went into rehab 19 years ago. Adjusting for me was easy. I had quit drinking altogether, even when with the friends/family. Because he took his recovery seriously, he chose to sever all ties with his (drinking) friends. We had no real friends. Found that out when he quit. As to family, they harassed him and tried intimidation to make him drink. He didn't and we slowly disconnected from them also except on special occasions. There was one instance at his nephews bachelor party, 4 months after rehab he had 1 beer and got sh*t-faced. He told me, not that I needed to be told because I could see it and it broke my heart. He never drank again. The deal breaker for me after his rehab was to drink again and infidelity. I've got to detach. If there was any other way to live with them without detachment, I think I'd have found it by now. It's difficult in the beginning, especially for me with our son, but I learned that I had neglected the "love" issue. Detaching with love was a hard lesson to learn. It served to work in two ways for me. Made me see life on my own terms and they discovered that I really didn't care how they handled their lives in regard to their words and actions. This in turn made them realize that I wasn't a part of that picture anymore. And they were invited to become a part of my life as I wanted it to be.
I fell out of love with my hubby years ago; fell back in love, but the love isn't the same. Granted, there are times when he gets a wild hair up his arse that I don't love him. After 30 years, lack of personal financial security, and other reasons, I've chosen to live my life to the best of MY ability while married to him. It's definitely not the type of love I want out of life. Perhaps I'm wanting the cinderella thing and it's unrealistic at this point in my life. But I can honestly say, I've only met 2 couples who fit my description of perfect love.

Begin your healing and recovery. This stuff does rub off onto them. I've seen changes in my husband over the years...don't freak...it took years for all of us to get sick and it takes time to get better.

Best of luck and blessings in your decisions.

minnie

How can you have a healthy relationship with anyone without detaching? Otherwise isn't it called enmeshment?

Deatchment isn't something mythical and strange - it's simply knowing where you (and your responsibilities) end and they (and their responsibilities) begin. Seems like a good recipe for life.

As for the rest - I'll leave others to answer as I have no experience.

equus

I can't comment on any of the other points really but the above has been a process for us and it's still ongoing. Our friends care lots about both of us so that gave a head start but there have still been times we've needed to work through stuff.

I gave up drinking with D to simplify all the little decisions around me and that's been a good answer for me - I'm enjoying it! I don't want (read won't have) alcohol in the house - that's me not D. I feel as though this is our HOME and alcohol doesn't have any place here, I want somewhere for us and alcohol doesn't have any place 'for us'.

We're still bumping and grinding through social situations where people are drinking - kind of all showing a bit of compromise. D doesn'y lay any law down about being around drinking but he doesn't want to be either so I respect that. I think if it was just us working at it and friends weren't bothered it wouldn't work - but then if they weren't bothered there's no great loss in my book.

As it is I'm confident we'll get through it - especially with my closest friendships that are decades old.

One suggestion was that all six of us have a day at a theme park, looking for a laugh that has no booze involved. My best mates partner and D have playstation nights while we go swimming, no booze there either.

It's helped that I've been clear about my priorities, but I've needed to listen as well - we still have a way to go but so far so good.

It's not easy to kill strong friendship and casual ones aren't hard to replace.

Ayers1995

Hi L,

Yes, I see the red flag on that too. The counselor, I'm not sure. I've said before that I'd get a new one, but then I waiver and start feeling uncertain about things... like today and over the weekend and wonder .... about everything..

Ayers1995

Thanks Equus for sharing how you have dealt with things. It is such a hard process.
I appreciate your honesty with sharing....

Cynay

I have to agree with that BIG RED FLAG

It does not matter if your there or not... It is not your responsibility for him to stop drinking and he does not have a crystal ball to say it would be easier... If your fighting it could be harder....

Also the counceler confuses me.... Im VERY suprised that she is suggesting are reconcilition when the issue of Alcoholism has not been properly addressed.... Dont take me wrong I completley believe in marriage and if it can be saved doing all you can to save it....

But nothing changes if nothing changes, you could end up setting yourself up to have to go though all this again.... why not take the time to see if he really is working a program, really wants recovery and is not doing this for other reasons then himself.

My sponsor went by the 3 month time period when I was struggling. Give it 3 months, If there is progress then we will discuss it then....

Remember not to take on responsibility for his issues.... Now is the time to focus on you and your recovery... he should be doing the same.

minnie

Ayers, you mention a trial period being together. How about a trial period of being apart for a few months? I am such a firm believer in sorting ourselves out whilst the other partner does the same and sometimes that is just too hard whilst living under the same roof and trying to fix the marriage at the same time, which is what your hubby's main focus seems to be at the moment.

I find it hard to believe it's ever possible to work on all of those things at the same time, although someone will probably prove me wrong. How on earth do you find the time, especially with kids?

I don't like the thought of your counsellor having an opinion on you being under the same roof. Counsellors are there to help you come to your own decisions, not give their opinion on something so important. Have you thought about finding your own counsellor yet?

Cynay

You know that is another good point.

How long have you been seperated???? Cuz it does not sound like he is doing alot of focus on his recovery.

BUT another big question here is the stability of the children, you just removed them for that enviroment.... If you went back too soon and it did not work, they would have to go through it again... If it were me I would rather wait for the action then be pushed into cuz of the words.

Zoey

Did you comment on your own recovery not being really solid??
I like the 3 month seperation, while you both work on your own recovery,
I believe it would be good if he is working on his 4th and 5th steps.

Just my belief, but believe relationships can trigger relapse, recovery is so difficult, their crutch is gone, they are looking at things in life they have never had to handle cold sober.
We the SO are pretty easliy hurt too, we want them well yesterday and ask in our heart why they are not all well?? and we hurt again or yet, but they are fighting a wicked battle if they really want sobriety, and good sobriety.

Wish I would have gone back on your posts. sinse I didn't I best shut up.
I wonder have you had time to read all the books??

Is it possible to change to an addiction counselor??

I do know what she is thinking on being under the same roof being better and if she is an addiction counselor ask her to explain that.

Take what you can use and leave the rest. HUGS,