confusednlonely

I think everyone knows most of my story on here by now. But just incase...my A got out of 28 day rehab 3 weeks ago. Last Thursday he started drinking again and disappeared for 3 days. He showed up on Monday and asked me to forgive him and help him. I told him I wont forgive him b/c its not ok and if he wanted help...to go to detox. Then I made him leave. Was very hard for me to do but I did.

He has been since living in his car driving from bar to bar getting drunk all day. (Dont even think he showered in a few days...yuck!) HE calls me between bars and says he loves me and doesnt want to drink. (Sure...I believe ya (rolling eyes))

Anyway, last night I made an anonymous call to the state and local police stations. I told them that I know of a guy who is drunk all the time and lives in his car. I am afraid he is going to kill somone or himself by driving that way. I then gave a discription of his car with the license plate #. They said they would keep an eye for him.

I almost want him to get arrested hoping it will help. I dont want him to kill anyone though or himself.

sunshine003

I don't know if you did the right thing or not. I can say that I wouldn't have done it. As much as I'd hate for my AH to kill himself or someone else, that would be his problem, his mistake if that were to happen.

Actually, he did get in a car wreck a few months back. He was supposed to be home by 8, come midnight, he wasn't home. Come 8 in th emorning he wasn't home. I got "the phone call". he was on his way home around midnight, got into a car wreck, ran off the highway, nobody saw and hewasn't found until 9:30 in the morning. He laid out in the grassy, swampy woods all night in the cold. He didn't hurt anyone, onlly himself. I was worried and a thousand thoughts ran through my mind. But you know what? It's his own fault that happened, not mine and there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it.

best

It could help or it could do nothing. Can't force recovery on others.
This is the best reason for doing what you did.
It is a tough choice to make for many and I feel that it truly shows you have love in your heart for others.

sunshine003

I just wanted to add, that to me, calling would be along the lines of "caretaking" or trying to control what happens to him. Maybe I'm wrong BUT that is just my thoughts on what I'd do. My husband has driven drunk plenty and I've never called the police to tell on him. He'll drive that way again in the future I'm sure and again, I have no way of predicting what the outcome will be. I just no longer worry about it, it's "his problem."

Ayers1995

It was a tough thing you did calling the police. But for other families out there, that could possibly lose a loved one .... it was a loving thing to do.

megamysterioso

Hi Confused. I understand your concerns for him not wanting to hurt himself or someone else, but it really is his problem. If he is meant to "get busted," he will get busted on his own time. It should not be your preoccupation and I would not even bother rationalizing it in my mind that "I may have saved someone's life."

There is no way of knowing what can and will happen in the future. You could have him locked up, he could get out of jail and be furious about it, go on a HUGE binger and kill somebody or himself then. You just DON'T KNOW. It is not your job to know. Focus on yourself and don't worry about the possible problems he is bringing upon himself or society. He will hang himself eventually.

ICU

I'm with Best on this one. I certainly wouldn't want my ex to kill himself that way, or anyway. But, I also know that his actions are out of my control.

HOWEVER, I would not want someone else to suffer the consequences of his drinking and driving. If someone I loved was hurt or injured by a drunk driver, and I found out that someone knew he was driving that way, and did nothing about it, well, let's just say my thoughts would not be very kind.

Either way, it's a tough situation. Looking back, I'm ashamed that I did nothing when my ex drove drunk. I guess I was too afraid by saying or doing something about it would be considered interfering with him and his choices. I was trying to learn to detach, not enable, mind my own business, work on me, etc. I have re-evaulated and changed my opinion on this particular matter since then.

sunshine003

yes mega, that is how I feel on this. Certainly, if I were driving down the road and saw someone driving crazy, I'd call the police and call it in. It would be my duty as I'm sure many other drivers would as well. But sitting at home, AH out drinking, I wouldn't pick the phone up and tell the police that there is this guy out there drinking and probably driving, he could kill someone etc.

You did it, you have your reasons....I guess I was just trying to give you another way to look at it. You also said part of you hopes he gets arrested, etc. Again, that isn't you focusing on you and it isn't up to you to decide how things should go down for him.

We all agree that we wouldn't want to hear a story of anyone getting hurt. Sadly though, i thappens all the time.

megamysterioso

Confused, I really do understand why you did it (out of legit concerns), but you really do have to focus on yourself and not worry so much about this downward spiral of
AH. He is choosing to live this way. You need to choose how you want to live and I'm sure your ideal life does not include having to phone ANYTHING in to the police.

I read your list of his "should have been bottoms" on your other post. It seems that it will take a great deal for him to ever stop. Some people never find their rock bottom EVER. It is scarey, but very true. I don't think that getting arrested will impact him the way you hope it would. Almost losing his life should have nudged him along plenty, but it didn't. He is really beyond your help or control.

sunshine003

yes and trying to help him find his bottom is only standing in the way of it. So no matter what he is doing, you should try and remember that. Ask yourself if you're helping or standing in the way.

I too, understand your legit concerns of him harming someone else.

pmaslan

I'm with Best and ICU on this. Looking back I too wish I had called on
my ex while he was driving from bar to bar in his black out state.
If I had it to do over again I would have called.
Not saying it would have helped in anyway, just more for me really.
I would have a hard time personally dealing with a death (not necessarily his, his choice, his consequence)
but some innocent persons.

Cynay

Well right or wrong its done now..... did it give you peace??? can you now let go and work on you?

I go back and forth on the issue ... projecting / protecting..... tough call

confusednlonely

There was more to the reason of me calling the police than to just get him in trouble. A few months ago when he was on of his binges, he had called me from his phone while driving. This was in the middle of the afternoon. He had his radio up real loud in the truck and kepp saying "whoa...whoa...oops" I said said are you doing?? He said trying to dodge the little kids playing in the middle of the road.

Turned out he was driving near a park down the road from my house, drunk off his a*s and nearly hit a few off those kids.

I am more concerned about an innocent person getting killed.

StandingStrong

Personally, I feel that for you, you did the right thing in calling. This is something that you needed to do for you and your conscience. There is no shame in that at all.

But to get off that subject and onto what I feel is really the issue here - you did have him leave and he is off doing his thing. Okay - now what? It's time to really work through how you are feeling and really focus on you. He is doing what he does - now what are you going to do?

Sending you tons of (((hugs))) as I know this must really be a disappointing, sad, and hard time for you.