IrshIzNotSmilin

I have just come to the realization of what so many of you have already stated, that you can't reason with someone who is in a state in which they can't reason. I set a new boundary today and shared it with my AH. We talk alot about HOW we speak to each other and he was telling me what sets him off when I speak and I was telling him how I interpret things he says to me. How the conversation began was he was really heartfelt with sharing how he feels about me. Occasionally, I really see a genuine behavior. BUT when he is drinking and i mean just one or two. He immediately gets unreasonable if a topic of importance is being discussed. Such a topic if it has any serious concern or issues cannot be discussed even if AH has drank two drinks. If of course he drinks more which of course he does then you really don't want to be entering into any important discussions because they are fruitless. Opinions will be blunt and UNREASONABLE BECAUSE YOU CANNOT REASON WITH SOMEONE UNDER THE INFLUENCE... I feel like I am having this boundary epiphany. Hey stupid (me) why are you sitting here letting this conversation go on when you know it is going nowhere fast. SOOOOOOOOOOOO this morning I tell AH " I wish you could share with me like you are now other than in the morning." he says " I didn't know i had a morning pattern" HELLO of course not you are drinking in the evening. OK so calmly and not with any sarcasm or anything i state " I understand that when you are under the influence that you are in a mind fog like a vacation from thinking and you and I ought not to have conversations of importance. Also I feel that when you are in that foggy place you feel it is ok to be sarcastic and hurtful with little diggy comments meant to tell me how you Really Feel, well I feel from now on when you are drinking that any discussions of importance need to happen at another time." He just looked at me. That was all . I never can read what he is thinking and I really can't occupy my mind with that (right sunshine) lol sooooo I am not going to do that. I hope this makes some sense but I felt i wanted to share this with all of you. Thanks.

bahookie

If only I could remember this each and every time I just KNOW it's the most important thing in the world to have this conversation right now.

LOL - I do try, but it's easier said than done sometimes.

J
xxx

megamysterioso

That's a great revelation Irsh. When I discovered this, it saved me A LOT of wasted time trying to prove my point, get answers, etc. from someone who was virtually absent from the room! There is no rationalizing with a drunk. You'll never "win" an argument with one. It is really wasted breath.

best

You would be suprised at some things and sit in a total state of wonder about other things.
What was said or better yet...what was not said to me because of detachment had me thinking more then the few soft words that were said.

hmmm why is she so calm? Why didn't she yell?
My own thinking caused me to think and remember more then anything she could have said to me.
Working your own recovery does work.

denny57

I would say to my AH "we agreed to not talk about important things if either of us has had even one drink. Why don't we talk about it in the morning?" I'm sorry to say we rarely did, because he couldn't remember what we had been talking about. And the last year or so he was usually nursing a headache.

sunshine003

great work IRSH. Now, holdonto it. Remember when he is drinking and something is brought up, no matter if he hurts your feelings or pushed a button, to simply say, "we can talk about this tomorrow." and walk away. even if he keeps going, YOU STOP. Also, you're right, you can't read what they are thinking, feeling, etc. BUT, you can know what you mean and mean what you say. that is the most important thing.

A boundary, that's wonderful!

Anguished

Irish,

You are very right... You can't reason with anyone while they're under the influence. I came to that conclusion after I read my alanon literature. Man, that bit of information has helped me somewhat save my sanity over years. I also make it a point to discuss anything of importance with ABF first thing in the morning. He'll get mad at me if I wake him up but, too bad! That's the only time I have to go over important issues.

Take care,
Anguished

Ayers1995

Irish.... did you find out anything yesterday???

IrshIzNotSmilin

To Ayers No not yet supposed to hear today???????? the medical world. Too early they say to see anything and yet I had positives on 4 tests so go figure then I heard today from my cousin who is getting married in June he is my age and he said that his fiance and he lost their baby she miscarried so that was a superior bummer. They were not getting married because ... and the dr. yesterday said well we also have to be sure with your age that it is not ectopic so that was a bummer. Let you know on the weekend because i need like double testing and whatever toward the end of this week or weekend I will post into something for a reply.Hey thanks for asking I really do want this even if it is not picture perfect. I go with the will of my HP.

megamysterioso

I hope all goes well Irsh. Everything happens for a reason and it is in your HPs hands. I will be thinking of you.

Ayers1995

I think it is very hard to get false positives on home preg. tests. It is easier to get a false negative. So they ran blood work for your HCG levels? That's good. I am sure that it will all work out for you...and that you will be happy.

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin... know it is sad. Don't let negative thoughts come into mind though with your own pending results. Things are more likely fine for you. Hope you have a great day!!!