sunshine003

I've come to a better understanding of myself the past week or so. I'm not sure if it's that I'm learning how to detach or if it's that I've come to a new level of acceptance, maybe both. As i'm starting to accept my part in MY life, my feelings of anger and sadness seem to be fading a bit. Understanding that *I* have problems to, understanding that I brought toxic things to the table as well, has for some reason lessoned the hurt of my current situation. Realizing I am not a victim, I no longer feel like one. I no longer feel like, "how could you have done this to me?" Or "what kind of person just wouldn't tell the truth." all that type of thinking is such a heavy burden. I am realizing that AH and I both were sick. In trying to figure out myself, it has taken the spotlight off of trying to figure him out. In not trying to figure him out, it's made the pain so much less, the anxiety less. I don't even feel critical towards him at this moment. Just more of a, "well who am I to judge him" attitude has taken over.

It's even poured over into how I talk to him and how I feel when I talk to him. I don't get off the phone feeling drained or feeling as if anything he has said has gotten to me. I haven't even felt the need to post about HIS actions. I realize what "quacking" means. I realize I do not need to convince him of how I feel or how he should feel or what he should be doing, etc. He needs to figure himself out and it isn't my place to even make assumptions for him or question his motives, intentions, reactions, actions, etc.

If I don't want to talk about something, I don't talk about it. If I don't feel like listening, I don't listen. If he says something horrible, I don't have to absorb it or let it make me feel horrible....afterall, it's coming from someone who hasn't learned what I am learning. I am not at his beckon call and I do not have to be. This isn't mean or unfair. I am free to be me and little by little, I am realizing I am as human as anyone else. Also, my fears are subsiding.

This focusing on yourself and worrying about yourself actually WORKS.

megamysterioso

Indeed it does Sunshine and I think you are have really made huge progress! Questioning ourselves and working on our own issues really does take the focus off the other. Even though I'm still living with mine, my world is not revolving around him. I'm most concerned with remaining true to myself. It really helps to ease the stress level.

Just imagine where your brain will be in a month from now, 6 months from now. You are growing so much as a person at an alarming rate!!!! I'm so happy for you. I can only hope to get there as fast as you honey lol!

Ayers1995

Good Morning Sunshine! I'm glad you are making such great progress. I wish that I was... In these relationships, we keep falling back into patterns that don't work. We don't have the right tools to keep ourselves from this. That's the part that makes us feel like we are sick....

Yes, we have brought issues to the table in our marriages. We are trying our best to come up with the right answers though. To try and change these things about ourselves, while it seems the A's are not. They are focusing on what they can do to 'help' us?? To make us 'want' to come home.

It's hard to realize things, and then accept that just b/c I've figured these things out...doesn't mean that i can go back into that toxic relationship and make it work. Because ... he has to figure that out for himself... (like you said).

I hope you keep moving towards being happy. I am glad that you are out of that situation... and can get time to think and work on yourself. That's what I am trying so desperately to do....

sunshine003

I know what you mean ayers. I have found myself thinking "maybe if I would have realized this before, things would have been different." But, then I remember that it isn't ALL me. Sure, I had problems, I was doing things I'm not proud of and I make no excuses for that. But he was to and just because I'm coming to an understanding of my part, that doesn't mean his doesn't exist or that it was all me. I have to let go. I am not even clinging to hope that he'll find what I'm finding. I am not concerned with that anymore.....whatever is supposed to happen will. I only know that I want the pain to stop, the anxiety, the emptiness, etc. I'm realizing it wasn't there because of him and it won't stop because of him.

I'm going out of town on friday for a week. A few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself the way I know I'm going to. I would have been consumed with thoughts of what he was doing....was he drunk, out, lying, with someone else, etc. Right now, I'm going out of town and going to enjoy myself and my children. Doing that is not dependant upon him in any way. It also isn't connected to him. I haven't even asked him what his plans are. I know he'll try to tell me he's doing nothing. But I also know he'll be drunk, doing what he does and I'm fine with that. He is free to be exactly who he is and I don't expect anything less, LOL.

megamysterioso

Enjoy your week away Sunshine. You deserve it and I am so happy that you finally have your mind back to yourself. I know what you mean about the preoccupation with what the Ah's are doing. I used to rack myself crazy with that and pull out the crystal ball every chance I got. I'm finally at peace with those aspects of our relationship and it's a great feeling.

Ayers1995

That is wonderful Sunshine! I'm so glad for you. Enjoy yourself.