Would you get involved with a recovering alcoholic?

Old 03-22-2006, 08:35 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
That;s a hard one. He would definitely have to be working a program and going to AA. Knowing what I know now would make me leary about it.
meli2005 is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 08:41 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Acting not reacting
 
elizabeth1979's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Thats a tough one for me to answer.
I would not trust myself to date anyone, alcoholic or preacher until I was well.
I dont think that anyone elses health would be a factor if I was healthy. I guess what I am saying is I wouldnt be in that situation to even consider it, if I was well!
elizabeth1979 is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 09:34 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Daughter/sister/widow/lover
 
L8YNRED's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sierra Nevadas CA
Posts: 35
I think there is a big difference between a recovering alcoholic with a solid program and lots of years of recovery and an active drinker who refuses to help themselves. I would probably still be with my addict/alcoholic if he was trying, working a program, doing what he could to save himself. But he isn't and probably won't ever be and so I can't be around him, I can only love him from far away and wish him well. I think a relapse is just that - a relapse. It is completely different from not even trying.

Yes, I would consider getting involved with a recovering alcoholic with a solid program and some years of sobriety. A solid program gives people the tools that are needed to make a relationship work. Running a household based on the traditions seems like a great idea to me.
L8YNRED is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 10:48 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ceridwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 29
I have a habit of making extremely bad choices with regard to relationships, so at present, I would have to say No I would not get involved with another alcoholic - on the grounds that if I was attracted to them, they would be by definition, guarenteed to be the one person in the room who was about to relapse, permanently and spectacularly.
Ceridwen is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 01:55 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Occasional poor taste poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Clancy46
Jazz...Just my thought, I do think Drugs are different than alcohol.
Yep, here's an example, at 15 I started smoking pot on a daily for 6 or 7 years, (I forget how long exactly ). I quit cold turkey, no help, no program, no support. To me Pot was something I just outgrew. I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms or DTs, just had a hard time sleeping for about a week. The cocaine habit was MUCH different! I absolutely had major physical and physiological withdrawal symptoms. While attending a family program at the last rehab my ex attended we were shown a video about cocaine addiction, (among many other drug type educational videos). The study showed that it takes two years for serotonin level to return to normal after abstinence from cocaine. For alcohol it takes 6 months for the brain chemistry to return to normal levels. Quitting Coke was BITCH let me tell you. All though it's harder to get and a lot less socially acceptable than alcohol too.



My point is unless you have experienced and licked chemical dependency for yourself you will have a very hard time relating to what an addicted spouse, mate or family member is going through.



When was 20 something I worked as a Field Engineer for a computer networking company. All my clients were in downtown DC and I spent a lot of time walking around the city. During that time I saw plenty of street personnel, the real down & out folks w/ no place to live except under a bridge. Sometimes I would get an extra hot dog from a street vendor and give it to one of the street folks I would see regularly. I knew that if I gave them money they would NOT use it for food. I would give them food and cigarettes but would never give them money. I guess it's because I was at one time not to far from being in the position that I could have been living in the streets and thinking to my self... this isn't so bad!



This kinda goes back to my very 1st post here at SR. Why was I able to quit my life threatening addiction and my ex was/is not? Equus was the 1st to respond to my 1st post and here's her ES&H (should be a sticky IMO).



Originally Posted by equus
I guess because addicts are still individuals. They remain people first and formost and the difference between your and your wife's choices demonstrate that. Multiply that difference to all the variety of hitting bottom that can be seen, then multiply it again by all the different ways and length of time each one recovers or doesn't, and then multiply it once more by how they recover ther LIFE. And there's more.... your 'facts' aren't so set in stone, these differences and surprises pop up over and over again.

Diseases have symptoms but once you define people by disease it's tempting to over simplify, it's tempting to loose sight of individual differences that have led you to your final question.

Did you know that possibly one of the biggest factors effecting motivation is the confidence to believe we can achieve? Without believing I am capable of doing 'X' all the extrinsic and intrinsic motivation in the world is going to be reason enough to try.

My answer is just based on what I've seen and read - in years to come we'll all know more but I think it's unlikely that any group of people will become as easy to define as a disease, even a baffling one.

So... if you REALLY know an individual, your gut will be telling you something.... Don't ignore it if it's telling you red flags! (fool me once...) So after months of analysis and help from the good folks here at SR, it was decided that my self esteem was low enough to get into the drug scene but high enough to NOT let it destroy my life. Self esteem would be a great indicator of potential relapse risk, and that's a very individual thing.
Jazzman is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 02:06 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
This is a real toughie for me. Because my first response would be "What do you take me for, some kind of mug?". But them, when I think about it, some of the most sorted people are know are those in recovery. And I want to be with someone who is on a "sorted" path in life. (NB. 12 step recovery is not the only way to achieve this.)

I think it boils down to where I am in my revovery and where they are in theirs. I have seen enough recovery, addict and codie, to see when it's changed the soul. And that is true for a 1 year or a 10 year - there is an AA meeting across the hall from my al-anon one and there are many people with lots of time under their belts in there. However, there are quite a few where it wouldn't surprise me at all if I heard they'd gone back out.

I would have to think long and hard about taking the risk, though.
minnie is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 02:53 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
StandingStrong's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I'd like to say that my answer would be "C" and I'd find out some info before it ever got to the point I was even considering a relationship with said person. However, if that had not happened for some reason and I discovered it later - I honestly feel that I'd break off the relationship and not continue it any further.
While there may be some that could or would - I know that I do not want to put myself in the postion of that heartache again, that situation again, etc. I don't even believe that I'd date someone that drank on occasion. At least that is how I feel now.
While ah is the one with the drinking problem - I am the one that has a problem with drinking.
That is not to say that I don't have family members or friends that do drink, because I do. However, they respect me enough to not bring it into my home and when I'm invited out with them, they tell me upfront if there is going to be alcohol involved in anyway, therefore; giving me a choice. I don't know if I could handle being in a relationship where alcohol is involved - not only if it was already a problem, but knowing that alcoholism is progressive and could become an issue down the line, I really don't know if I'd ever be willing to subject myself to that chance again.

Reading what I just wrote, I know that many disagree with how I feel. I've even had friends and family think I'm a little overboard on the subject, and that is okay. I just know how painful it can be - and I dont want to put myself even somewhat willingly into that sort of pain again.
StandingStrong is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 02:54 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zoey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Jazz.. Thanks for shareing eguus' ES&H that gals got it "pretty right on".

What I come up with is " there are always exceptions". I just ain't good at typing and can't spell ct ca oh! well, ya know , kitty.

I always check your posts, love having men on here. I love men ya know, what female doesn't.???
Zoey is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 03:22 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Occasional poor taste poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Reading what I just wrote, I know that many disagree with how I feel. I've even had friends and family think I'm a little overboard on the subject, and that is okay. I just know how painful it can be - and I dont want to put myself even somewhat willingly into that sort of pain again.
My point was only to say it's an individual thing as far as worrying about a relapse. As raw as I still am after my experience what would be my choice? If I went on a date and she had two vodka tonics, complained about credit card limits, and said her ex was a used car salesman, it would freak me right out and I would run for the hills screaming!
Jazzman is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 08:00 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Here is my view as a recovering alcoholic. If I really liked the person and cared for them I wouldn't dump them IF they are working a good, strong recovery program. I WOULD be very cautious and I would observe that person and try to determine how strong their program is. Things I would take into consideration, do they attend meetings regularly? Do they have a sponsor and do they use them? Do they seem to have the ability to meet life on life's terms?

Personally I would not get involved with someone who is early in sobriety. I would want them to have a minimum of a couple of years sober and working a program. I would also make it very clear in setting the boundary that if they relapsed I would immediately remove myself to protect my own sobriety. For me, my sobriety is my top priority in life and it comes before relationships.

I hope when I find someone else that they ARE in AA because at least then I will know that they will understand how I'm trying to live my life today and why.

Wonderful question ICU! I can't wait to see more answers.

Hugs,
Kellye
Kellye C is offline  
Old 03-22-2006, 10:01 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zoey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Kellye.. I agree, I have seen some wonderful couples in AA. Works very well.
Sounds like you would be very carefull. Always exceptions. The honesty seems so great in these couples, and the ability to talk about everything.
I think our step 10 is such a big help in these relationships that work.
I just happen to like being alone now, with AA and Al-Amon friends we really arn't alone.
Zoey is offline  
Old 03-23-2006, 01:36 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
ICU
Member
Thread Starter
 
ICU's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by pmaslan
I don't know I guess a potential partner could be just a cautious of me (given what I have tolerated and my personality) as I would be of him.
Somehow I missed this before. Interesting flip of the coin point-of-view, very humbling, thought provoking, and, very very true!


....on the grounds that if I was attracted to them, they would be by definition, guarenteed to be the one person in the room who was about to relapse, permanently and spectacularly.
I understand the feeling Ceridwen! I too would most likely have picked the very same person. Hoping my recovery will change that guarantee!!

Reading what I just wrote, I know that many disagree with how I feel.
StandingStrong, Those are 'your' feelings. It doesn't matter if others agree with your feelings or not. 'Feelings' are never wrong. We have them for a reason. Many times, they protect us! Nothing wrong with that!!
ICU is offline  
Old 03-23-2006, 01:46 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
ICU
Member
Thread Starter
 
ICU's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Kellye D
Here is my view as a recovering alcoholic. I WOULD be very cautious and I would observe that person and try to determine how strong their program is. Things I would take into consideration, do they attend meetings regularly? Do they have a sponsor and do they use them? Do they seem to have the ability to meet life on life's terms?

Personally I would not get involved with someone who is early in sobriety. I would want them to have a minimum of a couple of years sober and working a program. I would also make it very clear in setting the boundary that if they relapsed I would immediately remove myself to protect my own sobriety. For me, my sobriety is my top priority in life and it comes before relationships.

I hope when I find someone else that they ARE in AA because at least then I will know that they will understand how I'm trying to live my life today and why.
Kellye,

Thanks for sharing your views. You bring up many good points I hadn't pin-pointed yet. Like, it's 'how' they are working their recovery, not just 'how long' for starters.

The boundary you mentioned regarding relapse is an imperative one, but, hard to do when emotionally involved. I guess strong recovery makes that easier to do, not easy, but easier!
ICU is offline  
Old 03-23-2006, 06:13 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
RisingPhoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: East
Posts: 43
Look at the red flags. I feel personally, and maybe some others may feel this way, that my Bullsh*t Meter is at all all-time high (no pun intended). I mean, my radar is primed and ready to GO! I can spot a red flag a mile away and I can smell the bs before it even comes out of someone's mouth. I don't carry a purse anymore - I carry a shovel. Am I overreactive? No...just realistic. Am I paranoid? No... just verrrrry careful. That's what people do when they put themselves in Number 1 position. Which is where I will be from now on. Forever.

Just watch the red flags. No more self-deception. Ask yourself if any questionable issues and/or qualities pop up, "Can I live with this" instead of "Hmmm, I don't like that too much. What can I do to rearrange myself to get along with that?"

Actions. Look at actions. Words are easy.... anyone can say words. No effort required but to form the sentences and let them roll right off your tongue. Action is what you can take to the bank.
RisingPhoenix is offline  
Old 03-23-2006, 04:29 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
StandingStrong's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
For me, I have found that I am very much a different person with others than I am with ah. I think that a lot of it has come as a factor of my having put up with so much crap from him - but interestingly enough - it's always been that way.
I very much stick up for myself and whatnot with everyone, except ah.
Perhaps this is partly as to why I feel so strongly about not getting involved with someone that is anyway involved with alchohol - just me being me. It's those red flags, fear of the pain, etc. that would keep me from jumping in that boiling pot again - even a potential one. I realize that any and all relationships can cause pain, etc. but I'm not going to tempt fate again when I've already been in one relationship that involved alcohol - won't go there again. The fact that he is an alcoholic - recovering or not - would ultimately be my first red flag.
StandingStrong is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 12:18 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
ICU
Member
Thread Starter
 
ICU's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
The fact that he is an alcoholic - recovering or not - would ultimately be my first red flag.
On a conscious level, I very much feel the same way. BTDT! Don't want to take that risk again! Don't know, don't trust that I would see the associated behaviors with alcohol becoming a problem again. People can hide things VERY well, especially with alcohol. Although granted, they can only hide it for so long before the issue really shows.

But I'm wondering if I feel differently on a subconscious level; hence, my dream about marrying my ex. In the dream, he had been sober, AND successfully working his program for years!

I don't know for sure what my dream is symbolizing (my dream is what inspired this whole thread)....either a) would I consent to be with a recovering alcoholic in the future, or b) I was just having stupid, unresolved 'feelings' for my ex that I'm not admitting to on a conscious level....leftover hopes and dreams vs. reality!!!! If it's 'b', then I'm really annoyed with and disappointed in myself!
ICU is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 05:55 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
dax
Member
 
dax's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
No, No No!!!!!!! My husband is 27 years sober. You are living with a chronically ill person who will need treatment for life. First there is ALWAYS THE POSSIBLITY OF A SLIP. Then even if sober, the spouse will need to go to meetings for life- sharing things he will never share with you and usually putting program people before his own family. Plus no matter how grave the wrongs he or she may do to you, because they are 12 steps believers, they will expect for you to just ' turn it over' with no discussion or counseling in the matter. This is just my opinion of my life with an alcoholic. dax
dax is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 09:59 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
They, they, they......

I know I'm guilty of the same sometimes, but come on, Dax. Tarring everyone with the same brush as your husband is unfair.
minnie is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 12:16 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cynay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
A year ago I would have told you NO.... NEVER AGAIN.

But you know what... All the post I make about Mr. R and how very inlove I am with him... how well he treats me. I have never felt this safe, appreciated and loved in my life...

He has 20 years sober...

Now I dont know if he was like Jazz or not and Im aware that there is a chance of relasp... but I also know that nothing is guarenteed.... I could marry someone today that does not drink at all and in 15 years could be a full blown Alcoholic.

I have a friend who has been married for 30 years.... they have always had fun and enjoyed each other and have only been social drinkers... was never any indication of a possible problem in 27 years. He retired a few years ago, started drinking more often and today he is drinking from morning till night, having medical issues because of it and the marriage is not what I would call a marriage.

I know that Mr. R is aware, and there are no suprises and Im choosing this man.
Cynay is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 01:27 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zoey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Cynay, very true we never know what shows up down the road. Have read about and know of people becoming alcoholic after retirement.

One older gentleman said, he came from a family of A's, so he swore to never drink because of the genes he may have. (He never ever drank)
He retired and then lost his wife, someone offered him a drink, with grief and loneliness he took it, almost instant alcoholic.
Zoey is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:19 PM.