Anniversary wkend and Ultimatums...

Old 03-20-2006, 08:40 AM
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Anniversary wkend and Ultimatums...

I last posted AH letter, pretty much expecting me to move back home last Friday night. I did not move back home, and I really didn't respond to his email either.

Sat. was our anniversary, and he showed up bright and early with donuts for everyone. I told him that I would call him maybe about going to dinner. We went to dinner... it was very nice. Not much conversation, but it was nice. After dinner, he comes up with the idea of swinging by our house to pick up a movie for me and my mom to watch. I just sat there.... we got to the house and he asked me to come in. I went in, house was clean...and he grabbed the movie.... and then came over to me. He started trying to kiss on me, and I just gave him a hug...then he said he was going to take me to the room. I said..NO you're NOT!.. He said, it's our anniversary, as if it was expected of me! I still told him no. He just looked at me. Then he said, Well when can I move you and the kids back in? I said, I am not willing to talk about that right now. I wanted to have a nice dinner, and relax. So...he said..lets go. So he drove me to my moms.. the whole way just having a horrible attitude. Snapping at me, and driving like and idiot. We get to my moms and he tells the boys to hurry up. (His first night to have the kids). So...he takes the kids and goes. Then... the text messages start.... then the calls.

I left to go run errands, and naturally he started driving by my moms house... then calling wanting to know where I was? I told him... then he wanted me to come over.. I said NO. He hung up.

About 11pm he started texting me things...saying he was done with me...he couldn't take what I was doing to him, I have broken him. He was going to leave town and be gone for about a week...he'd bring the kids in the morning. I asked if he'd talked to his boss, he said NO.. who cares.. i don't need this job. WELL HELLO! He's only thinking of himself. So he said...if you don't come home tomorrow, I'm leaving. I was worried about him losing his job, bc I can't make it on my own w/o the support that he'd be required to give the boys...on what he makes. So... I told him that I'd come home Sunday night.

Sunday afternoon, i went to see him. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said .... give me another week. That we'd talk this week, go to our joint session w/counselor and maybe move back in next weekend. He said ok. Last night, he shows up at my moms....he was on his way to an AA meeting. This is the first he's ever intended on going... he's been adimate (sp) about not going...but he went. He called me late last night and told me that he was sorry, that he is an alcholic and his behaviors have been childish and stupid. ( HUH???)

BTW, my first Alanon meeting is tonight.

I am not sure what I should/want to do. I have not yet had the urge or longing to move back to him. I am very comfortable and settled at my moms house. I am glad that he is taking these steps...but is that enough for me to move back??? Ugg.. I can see that me standing strong on things is finally making things happen, but I still don't feel anything....good or bad.
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Old 03-20-2006, 08:47 AM
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ayers, I know why you told him you'd move back, etc. But basically, he threw a fit much like one of your children would. Would you have given into them? Of course not. Maybe he would just leave town but you can't control his actions by giving into his demands. He went to one meeting and now has seen the light? I believe it would take a bit more for that to happen. actions, remember?

I think your head is getting there but when he scares you, you resort back to the old way of thinking. Don't let him bully you into going back home.

Also, he was supposed to be spending time with his children but instead was all over the place wanting to know what you were doing, texting you, driving by, etc.....that would have ticked me off. Tell him to take a few steps back and just enjoy the kids for a night, goodness.
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Old 03-20-2006, 08:51 AM
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That's exactly right. He was supposed to be spending time with the kids... come to find out..he'd left them alone. Probably for an hour. My kids are 9 and twins will be 8 in 2 weeks. (still haven't confronted him on that...didn't find out till late last night)

I agree that he threw a fit, and I gave in. I can't control his actions and keep his job for him... I guess mostly, I was being selfish. Don't want to be at my moms forever.. I need to figure this out. He told me this morning that he did not want to force me to move back...maybe I should just tell him again, that I still need MORE....
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Old 03-20-2006, 08:59 AM
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yes, you should tell him and then stick to it. You have to be consistent, like with your children, LOL. Also, you wont' be at your moms forever no matter what happens. Remember focusing on the here and now? You have no idea what the future will hold.
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Old 03-20-2006, 09:01 AM
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I am not sure what I should/want to do. I have not yet had the urge or longing to move back to him. I am very comfortable and settled at my moms house. I am glad that he is taking these steps...but is that enough for me to move back??? Ugg.. I can see that me standing strong on things is finally making things happen, but I still don't feel anything....good or bad.
Hi Ayers and I've been thinking of you. If you are truly not ready to move back, then I would stay put. I think that his threatening to move and quit his job was just a way for him to hasten your decision making process. You really don't have any control of where he goes or what he ultimately decides to do. You could move back in and him not like the change in your attitude and he could move or quit his job with you in the house.

I'm glad he did go to a meeting as it is a first step. I don't think that a decision so big should be made after one meeting though. He has a long way to go in his own recovery and you have a long way to go in learning how to deal with him in recovery. You both need time to deal with it.

I want everything for you to work out and I want you to be happy. I'm going through my own stuff and am by no means an expert at advising anyone.
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Old 03-20-2006, 09:11 AM
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Wow, what a power struggle! He's trying to force you to do what he wants. You're trying to force him to do what you want. No one can win. I hope you find some insight at your meeting tonight.

L
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Old 03-20-2006, 10:13 AM
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Yes, I am now seeing that this is all just one of the first steps ... on both our parts to recovery. Even though we've both seen the counselor, and now we go together tomorrow... (yikes), we still have a long way to go in our own recovery.

I will try to come up with a positive way to respond to him, about this weekend. (not moving back)

I sure hope I find more insight at my meeting tonight as well. Thanks a bunch.
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Old 03-20-2006, 10:25 AM
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I hope all goes well with your meeting tonight. I take it that you are still seeing the same counselor then? The one that was going to give up on the 90-90 idea? I'm sure you'll speak your mind Ayers, but be aware that this counselor may urge you to move back in with him if she is still on that mindset. That would be really UNFAIR to you.
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Old 03-20-2006, 10:50 AM
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[QUOTE=Ayers1995]Sunday afternoon, i went to see him. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said .... give me another week. That we'd talk this week, go to our joint session w/counselor and maybe move back in next weekend. He said ok. Last night, he shows up at my moms....he was on his way to an AA meeting. This is the first he's ever intended on going... he's been adimate (sp) about not going...but he went. He called me late last night and told me that he was sorry, that he is an alcholic and his behaviors have been childish and stupid. ( HUH???)

You know Ayers I know this feeling. The one where you need him to be different you want him to change and you want to keep an even keel. I am one to give advice so may I suggest would it be possible to tell him that you care about him and how ( if you do and it is not a lie) then tell him and also tell him about the way you feel how hurt etc. you get when etc. Tell him no major changes for you or moves (if this is good for you ) and say I am staying here for now. I need you to take care of you and i have been so _____________________ fill in the blank that I need time to decompress and take time for making myself better too. Is that possible. I don't need an answer I am just stating that to you. Meanwhile, I totally understand the childlike behaviors. I guess I will be prepared for motherhood if I am confirmed pregnant. LOL hang in there sounds like your sure you do not want to go back and maybe mom is not such a bad place right now. Think about it.
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Old 03-20-2006, 10:54 AM
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When I saw her on Friday, she was not pushing the issue of me moving back in. She told me that she would not push me into that corner. So...I have stayed with her. I told her that I will not go back into that same house...with those circumstances. She is aware of him trying to push me into moving back yesterday, and she said that if I did I'd lose all the progress that I have made so far. (and she's right)
She told me that she didn't push the 90 in 90 thing b/c she knew from his visit on Wed. that he'd never do it. She did forward him the sites to be able to go to a meeting though, and requested we both bring a chip to our meeting tomorrow.

I will think about things throughout the week and see where I am on Friday...with wanting to go back or not. I need to make points clear to him about not pushing me into things I am not ready for. (sex) I need my strength for that....he doesn't back off easily.
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Old 03-20-2006, 11:00 AM
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Hi Irish,

Thanks, for the advice... I have told him how hurt I have been. He just keeps telling me that he can't take it all back...that I have to come home so he can help make it better.
Yes... I need for him to change....things need to be different. I'm not sure if / when I'm going to be ready. He keeps telling me...it's 2 weeks, next you're going to tell me 2 more weeks... then what is the magic number ?? This is his reply. UG...

Irish... when do you get to confirm???
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Old 03-20-2006, 11:15 AM
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Glad to hear your counselor is not pushing the issue and agrees that it would unravel all the great progress you've made!! Best of luck Ayers and you will be in my thoughts.
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Old 03-21-2006, 06:24 AM
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Today Ayers is confirmation day I think I need to go to dr. Thanks for asking. I find that my own suggestions do not work but I will tell you what I did. I wrote this note to him and stuck it in an area where he would find it. It said I hate it when you drink and you are unreasonable when you drink and there is no talking to you. I want you to know how hurt I am about all of this and how I do not want this for my life. Why does it have to be that way basically was what I said. How is my life supposed to play out here I am not used to being around all of this drinking and now I am probably expecting another life coming into this world around drink. We never spoke about it and he said to me last night you left me a nasty note NASTY i said it wasnt nasty and sorry you interpreted that way I was expressing my feelings to you and it upsets me greatly I just wanted you to know how I felt. I do not wish to discuss it with you . That was the end of it. I just need him to know. Why? because I may not stay. That is why. I have alot to think about and he can either think about it or not now I need to do what everyone has shared and learn to think better of myself and do what I need for me and this baby. Right!! easier said than done but I need to keep on trying. So I don't know it that helps but I understand.
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Old 03-21-2006, 06:34 AM
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Ayers... how was that meeting?
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Old 03-21-2006, 06:42 AM
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Good Morning All,

Irish, I hope that your appt goes good today. I hope you are thrilled with the results..no matter what. You are right, to look out for yourself and take care of you.

The meeting last night was ok. It was very small, only about 8 of us. 3 new, including me. They talked about different things, their own situations. We read from the ODAT book, of things I can change. (that was just the topic, not actually 'me')

It was kind of weird that people think of living their lives around and detached from their A. I don't really see the point in a marriage if you aren't sharing your life with them. Do you know what I mean? I've lived that way for way too long, I don't intend to live and let live. When I got out of the meeting... there was a rose on my car from A.
The sad thing is, that I checked our account this morning and there was a transaction from the liquor store on there from the wkend. GREAT! He's supposed to be all sober since b4 I left, and the our anniversary...when he went bollistic on me.. he must have bought himself a bottle.
We have our meeting tonight with the counselor. I am telling him during that meeting that I am not moving back in this weekend. I just can't. I wasn't ready anyway...but this makes it even harder to think about going back into that house. I know the pressure will not back off. He will want to resume ... as nothing is wrong.
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