megamysterioso

When I posted my thread on Thursday night, I thought my night had ended. I was very wrong. Around 1AM I closed my eyes and at about 1:30AM, AH woke up from the couch to come into the bedroom. I pretended like I was sleeping for as long as I possibly could. I did not want to resume our conversation considering that he had been drinking all night. He would snuggle up to me while I was "sleeping," I could hear him whispering these comments under his breath, I could feel him punching our mattress from time to time and could here him crying. I was sleeping with one eye open! Finally, he woke me up by hovering over me and saying my name over and over until I could no longer fake it.

He was a roller coaster of emotion and I remained very calm and composed. I did not respond back to a lot that he was saying and just listened to most of it. There was a little name calling and blame placing from him, but I took it for what I knew it was- manipulation and his own anger speaking. At one point he said, "you know what you are? you're a cold, callous, vicious, selfish bitch that only sees what she wants to see." I had to respond to this one b/c I had already patiently listened to enough. I said, "no, you know what I am? I am the wife of an alcoholic that regrets ever having married one. I am a woman that refuses to have this same regret in 10 years." He did not say a thing.

We finally decided that he would go out of state to his friend's house for a month so that I could have my time to think and he could have his time away from "this loveless marriage that he can no longer stand to be around." I do feel for him. Our home is very lonely when we are both here and I would not want to be in position either. Our marriage is unfair to us both at this point.
Quickly we realized that we could not afford for him to be away for a month. He decided that I should take that money and find an apartment in a month. I agreed although it would be very difficult for me to do this in such a short timeframe. He marked my departure date on the calender.

Throughout the course of the last few days, he and I began working on Dr. Phil's relationship rescue book. He is bound and determined to do everything he can to make our relationship work, but has come to grips with the VERY REAL possibility of divorce. He and I went so far as to discuss the division of our things, how are living arrangements would be figured, etc. We came to very fair and easy compromises. He said that he cannot and will not hold it against me for making a "life decision" and that he would have to deal with whatever I decide. He also went so far to say that if I left and later regretted it, that he would "always be there for me."

Yesterday, he said that he would like to peacefully ride out our lease here together. He said that he will continue to do the best he can in proving his dedication to me and the marriage. Whatever I decide for our future is up to me and he will support it. Our apartment complex will give us till the end of April to decide whether or not we will re-sign our lease or move out and move on. So, we do have a sort of timetable that we're working with.

He said at some point over our weekend, "I will quit drinking altogether and quit smoking pot if it will make our marriage work, but I know it won't, so what's the point?" "If that's what you want though, I'll do it." I know that he just doesn't get it. He cannot quit doing anything UNLESS HE WANTS TO FOR HIM. I have NO RIGHT to try and change him and control him. It is NOT MY job! It goes beyond the drinking with us anyway. I let him know all of this. I also let him know that b/c of everything that's happened between us that I feel like, "maybe I am just not cut out to be married to anyone." This is really how I feel and it's not a bad thing. He said that "You should have thought of that before we got married in the first place." Of course I wanted to say, "well, I didn't know how big of a lush I was marrying," but I didn't say anything. I thought about it and he is right about that. It was a bad decision on my part to marry this man soooo quickly and I should have thought everything through. But neither one of us can change the past.

We are taking it one day at a time until the lease situation demands a decision. He knows where I stand and I know where he stands and we're good with it. Although it may not seem like progress to some of you, trust me that I have not been "hoodwinked" here. His words no longer make me feel guilty in any way. His techniques no longer work. I fully realize that it is my right to live a good life that I enjoy. If he is NOT part of that equation than so be it. We will see with time.

ASpouse

You know what my first thought was when I read this?

That you will hook up with another addict/alcoholic. I don't know why, it's what my gut is telling me.

Do you go to Al Anon? I don't see you doing anything really for your own personal growth.

megamysterioso

Hi Judy. No I do not go to Al-Anon and all of the support that I get from anyone tied to Al-Anon comes from this board. My personal growth in my eyes is resigning myself as "caretaker," "controller." I am no longer consumed with my AH's actions and do not feel the need to "help him" or change him into something he is not. I can either accept him as a drinker or not and it is that simple. As a woman married to a man, I can either accept his character flaws or not.

I don't feel the need to justify my feelings to him anymore and do not feel that I can place all the blame on him for our failing marriage. We've both made poor choices that maybe neither one of us realized we were making at the time. I had no idea what poor choices I was making while enabling his drinking all this time until I found SR. If I had begun MY OWN recovery some time ago we quite possibly would have been divorced well over a year ago.

I will not hook up with another addict in the future. I think that I have gained enough wisdom through this relationship to simply be more picky in all aspects of a future mate. I have never been picky enough is my deal. Even with red flags all over the place, I have always found a way to justify the flag. I'm no longer blind to these flags. People are what they are and I cannot change them. It is not my duty to make someone else realize their potential!

ASpouse

An Al Anon meeting would help you get past the first step, which is where you are at. But whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

Ayers1995

Good Morning Mega,

I am very proud that you stood up for yourself and had the talks with AH. It is very difficult. If you are willing to let him work on his part of your relationship, before you make a decision...then the living arrangements might work out for you guys. If he is willing to quit, for you.... for the time being...maybe he will eventually see it for himself, as well.

I don't think that you have been 'hoodwinked' into believing him... it will be a matter of time for him to show you things. Whether or not his actions meet his words, or not.. you'll know. Be cautious though, my ah did the same thing, but b/c I had not left the house, he fell back into his same patterns. He did not take me seriously, even though he said he did.

I am learning the hard way, that they will say whatever they can...to get you to stay. It's rough. I have to post my wkend in a bit...

If you are willing to work on things....or more like, let him work on things...then that's great. If not...don't drag it out for yourself. It is hard to look at them trying to make things right, when you know in your heart it might not really matter....

Well... I know I'm rambling...I will keep you in my thoughts....hope you are standing strong today..... Ayers

IrshIzNotSmilin

You know mega my thoughts were : Good! at least it is out in the open. The detachment plan is there and if you choose to go to an apt. alone at the end of this lease then so be it. If he chooses to continue on his path then so be it. You have options and that helps you feel safe and secure. I really think what you said to him was good.

sunshine003

good for you mega! I can tell you're happy to have finally gotten it over with. Doesn't sound like it was as bad as you thought it could be. Hopefully, it stays that way. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

denny57

Mega, I too believe you would benefit from either an Al-Anon meeting or some other support group. I applaud the growth you've made in this particular relationship. It's not always easy to see our siutation for what it is. From your post it seems possible the change is more external that internal. I could be off here, so I'll leave it at that. I wish you all the best as you go through the next month.

megamysterioso

Thanks for all the support guys. Denny, do you mean that the change seems more external in that the only thing that has changed is our environment that we are choosing to live in at the moment? If you don't want to elaborate, that is cool, but I do find it helpful to get everyone's possible angle on my posts. Thanks so much.

denny57

That's part of it. I think you are doing a good job in handling this particular situation. That is, dealing with him, what has come up in your relationship, acknowledging it has not been good, etc. Yes, you may recognize these same red flags in a potential new relationship. But what about YOU has changed? And I mean really changed, not just as it deals with your current situaton. I am a huge supporter of Al-Anon. I know it isn't for everyone. But the first step, admitting I was powerless, etc. took me FOREVER to truly understand. Somedays I still get off track.

When I said I might be off on this I meant that we tend to post here about our current situation only, and that is not always the whole picture of what we are going through in our own recovery.

Not feeling particularly articulate on only 1 cup of coffee, so hope this makes sense.

LaTeeDa

I posted this reply to Mega a few weeks ago.

And I still don't see how anything has really changed.

L

megamysterioso

I think that one of the things that has changed within me is my need to shape my environment to my own standards. I have my own expectations and before, I felt like anyone sharing a relationship with me should have these SAME expectations for themselves and their lives. Just general principles/ideas of: if you're not happy with your job, do something about and stop complaining, if you regret not going to college, apply for a loan/grant and make it happen (it can be done, I did it), strive to be "the best" you can be type junk. It really never dawned on me that some people are actually quite content and happy with the way things are and they purposefully choose to keep the status quo. Yes, I'm very stubborn.

I'm my past mindset (in many relationships where alcohol was present and not present), I would think, "how can he possibly be happy drinking everyday or doing this or that?" Surely, he must have been covering up some sort of past hurt and really didn't want to be this way. Surely, he must realize that the "life I am offering him" (pretty self-righteous thought here) is sooo much better! Can't he see that my way is the "right" way?

I guess I now understand that in reality, some people will never, can never and don't ever want to see MY reality and that's OK. It is not my duty to push my views or the way that I choose to live on others. I should not automatically look at someone as lacking something for choosing to value different things that contradict my own values. I don't know if I'm making sense now or if this "change" within me would even fall under the "inner change" category that you were getting at. I just feel that I've learned to simply accept things as they are (not what they could be) and if I don't like it, then I can move on. I don't have to support it, but I don't have to shun it either- just walk away and respect the differences.

ASpouse

What I see in your posts are lots of "them's, they's, other's" etc. You rarely post about YOU! That is where Al Anon will help. Saying what you say above and believing it is one thing, LETTING IT GO is truly another and that is where the really hard work comes in.

This is not an Al Anon forum mega ..... there are lots of folks here who recovery with other systems and ways. Don't confuse this with Al Anon and if the only support you are getting for this problem is from this forum, then I feel badly for you. You should have f2f support from other people in your area where you live.

megamysterioso

Yep- unfortunately Judy, this is my main source of support concerning this issue in my life. I can talk to my mother or to long-time friends back home, but all of them have a "just leave him" attitude. My mom tries to be as open-minded and objective as she can, but has never been involved with an alcoholic spouse or bf and therefore, cannot understand the feelings that go with it.

ASpouse

Which is why you should go to Al Anon. This forum is not a cure-all, far from it.

pmaslan

Mega, I agree with Judy. Although this forum is a good start, I feel I
appreciated it more after I went to a F2F. It all kind of fits together that way.
I guess I missed it but is there any particular reason you don't go to meetings?

Ayers1995

Mega,

My counselor advised me to read a book called The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner. I am going to get it today. It is a guide to helping women change patterns of intimate relationships. She said that it was better than the one that was suggested on here...(codependent no more? )

I don't talk to many about my issues either. The people I've discussed things with have all suggested that I leave. I will go to my 1st alanon meeting tonight, not sure what to expect?? Hopefully, I will leave there with some answers. I hope that if you can't make it to any meetings, that you may find this book, or others to help you along the way. I need them as well.

megamysterioso

Thanks Patty and Ayers. I will get that book that you suggested Ayers. I know I've only just begun here too.

Patty, I have not gone to meetings in the past b/c AH was very controlling and would not have understood my need to go. I couldn't sneak to do it b/c the only time I would have away from AH would be during my workday. Now that we have reached this point in our relationship however, I don't think I would get too much flack for going. I do have some Al-Anon literature that my MIL gave me a while back. That would be a start for me too. I have no excuse really for not taking this next step. I just feel that I've been getting what I needed by just having a place to vent. I honestly don't like the idea of being a part of an "official" group. My MIL has has given me the impression in the past that it was sort of "cultish." Not meaning to offend anyone here, just giving you reasons.

denny57

I found both books helpful. They deal with different issues. I think some backlash has happened against books on co-dependency. The term co-dependency was originally coined for people whose SO's were addicts. Some feel it is a term now thrown around about anyone who is overly involved in someone else's life. So whether one book is "better" than the other probably depends on your situation.

If it's a good meeting, no one will suggest you leave. The only time I've heard that advice given is when someone is in physical danger. Al-Anon is a program of suggestion, not advice. Of course, you will meet people who may want to give you advice. I tend to steer clear of them and seek out those who will share their experience, strength and hope with me.

pmaslan

Venting isn't enough I'm afraid. By saying that you allow your H to control you
is reason enough to assume that. Anything can feel cult like if you preseve it
to be that way. Just because your MIL felt that way doesn't mean it's so or that
you will feel that way. One meeting can not hurt, you may even like it...