megamysterioso

Thanks so much Sunshine. I have tried to find where my co-dependency issues have stemmed from. I just have such good parents though and looking back on my childhood, it seemed so charmed. I've always felt that any grief or troubled times in my life have been caused by the romantic relationships I've chosen. Maybe something about the first one I was ever in caused this? I surely would like to get to the root cause. Only then can I really begin to deal with my own junk. And apparently, lots o junk it is lol...

minnie

Mega, it's still all about him, isn't it?

Ok, then let's really make it about him. Write a list (you don't have to post it if you don't want), put down all the positive things and all the negative things, give them each a value and see what the net result is. Only put down FACTS, not hopes, and leave out any "givens", like "well, he puts his dirty laundry in the hamper".

Can you be married to him for the rest of your life if he stays exactly how he has been since Christmas? If the answer is yes, then fantastic, as you really have something to work with. If the anser is no, then quit messing about. Life's too short.

sunshine003

mega, I am cracking up here. not sure why but when you say your childhood was so wonderful, you sure? You weren't ever shamed? Didn't have to pretend to be something you weren't to please the perfect parents? they were accepting of all the stuff we teenagers do, etc? it stemmed from somewhere. only you can figure that out and don't get offended when I say I laughed, I wasn't laughing at you. It's just I used to think that about my childhood too. and I used to say it out loud. I would protect my mom from what I really thought felt. I still do that with her to some point. She'll say something regarding my kids like, "I can't believe you let them do that, I would have never let you get away with it." as if she was such a good mom. Oh the stories she'll tell and she is always the good mom....it is really funny.

LaTeeDa

I think the point we're trying to make here, (okay, I can't speak for others, the point I'm trying to make) is that you don't have to try and figure it out by yourself. In fact, by yourself, it is highly unlikely you will figure it out. Your thinking is messed up, like mine. So you will never be able to "wrap your brain around it." That is why it is so important to get help. Whether it's Alanon, counseling, or both. You need someone "outside your brain" to help you look at things differently.

L

minnie

I thought I had a perfect childhood too. But there's no such thing as perfect.

There's a reason why I got involved with an alcoholic, a reason why I ignored the red flags, and a reason why I stayed for the time that I did. I worked most of it out with a counsellor and one day I'll share it here.

We are surely a product of our upbringing until such time that we unravel that and make different choices. Some people do that seemingly by chance, others have to have a helping hand. I tried to do it alone for a long time - it took being involved with my ex to lead me to the help I really needed.

denny57

There's only one common denominator in them all. You. Maybe you'll work this out on your own. You might speed up the process if you get support. Your choice.

sunshine003

there certainly isn't a perfect one minnie...no way, indeed! I shared what I shared to make the point. And it came out in therapy, little by little. I went into therapy with the, "I had a perfect mother" mentality. LOL. I was very protective of her. the strangest thing to me though is this....how you can have three children coming from the same house but it doesn' t mean they have the same issues. I believe I am the only one who is codepndant. My brother and sister have issues but they don't come out like mine do. I wish I had a bit of my sister in me, LOL. She will stick up for herself like it's nobody's buisness.

mega, when I went to therapy, I found a wonderful therapist. He didn't sit me down and ask me to spill the dirt on my childhood. they are quite subtle in how it all comes out. He was very soft spoken and on the second week said to me, "have you ever read the book codependant no more?" I said "no, what is it and what's codependance?" he said, "I want you to read it and he handed me a copy, we'll talk about it next week." when I read that book, I went back and said, "oh so that's my problem." he didn't say YES....he said, "did you see yourself in that book at all?" he's a very gentle man. My point is that when you go, it isn't lay on a couch and have someone insist that your childhood is messed up.

minnie

Oh, sunshine, you don't want to get me started on the sibling thing! In a nutshell, all siblings have different childhoods. Different factors influencing parents lives, different financial circumstances, different stage of parent relationship, different "roles" we are expected to play etc etc. To say that siblings have the same upbringing is pretty naive to me. Although I did think the same for a long time.

pmaslan

I agree with Minnie....my brother, sister and I grew up in the same house,
same parents...and we are all very different...day and night you might say...
I have researched the dynamics of this too......

Minx1969

Hey late to the party,

Just wanted to comment about siblings..

My brother (now deceased), sister and I may have grown up in the same house but all had very different memories of childhood. Our parents treated as different as well.

My sister for example doesn't identify or remember much of the emotional and sometimes physical abuse..

my brother took his life...I think he suffered the most as the oldest.

Me..classic middle child..I found recovery and a much better life imho..

sunshine003

I have too pmaslan, being the youngest, I realize I am the pleaser, etc. boy oh boy am I ever, LOL

sunshine003

oh and minnie, I realize that. I hear it when my brother and sister tell a story, we all tell it different, LOL. I didn't mean that how it sounded. I sometimes wonder when my sister tells a story, "where was I,I don't remember it that way." and she'll insist. I have to remember that she is telling it through her eyes and her experience, not mine.

mega, isn't it great how threads start on one subject and spiral like this. I bet you never thought it would end up this way and here you thought PROGRESS only to see, there is much work to bedone, LOL. and it always comes about with judy or minnie or denny or someone in th emix, heehee.

ASpouse

Don't forget Patty Sunshine ...... she has her finger in the pie too ! LOL [love ya Patty!]

Jazzman

Wow this one’s getting deep. Mega your posts are almost like I wrote them, but I'm WAY too lazy to type all that out , (thanks for that). I can tell you that only the last relationship w/ M, an active A, was the only Jerry Springer type thank GAWWD. I did a few Al Anon meetings and they weren't for me, neither for nor against. Therapy did me the most good followed up by personal research, mostly reading. To each his/her own. I'm a big fan of support in what ever form as long as it's from outside qualified folks, and read, read, read.

However I will say that the last year and a half with no relationship has probably been the best thing for me. As a matter of fact, I know find myself not even wanting to be in a relationship right now. The time to myself has allowed me to focus on myself for the first time in many years and I like it. Everything happens for a reason and everything works out for the best. If you end up getting divorced, try some time off. It really helps.

TexasGirl

I too can really relate to so many of your thoughts, Mega. I find myself wondering how I ended up in this relationship. Was it an accident? Did I really seek it out? I would venture to say I had a pretty good childhood too.

I've now been to 4 Al-Anon meetings, and thus far I don't see exactly how I'm going to become some better person for it. But I don't find the meetings offensive, so I'm going to keep going and trying to see what on earth everyone is so excited about. I thought counseling might help, but we really haven't gotten anywhere.

I admire what seems like your upbeat attitude in this thread. Sometimes it's hard to take everyone's opinions, but like me, you seem to realize there is good intention in all of it.

pmaslan

Well slap my fingers Judy I'm trying to watch my figure here......

megamysterioso

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to post and reading through the madness! I'm sure I could benefit a great deal from counseling, but just like AH, I would have to see that darn county shrink since it would be all we can afford (we have very crappy insurance that does not cover mental stuff). I would love to go though if/when we have the money.

Jazzman- thank God I can type fast!!! I will remain single for quite some time if I indeed divorce. I'm in no hurry for another relationship. Time off would be very therapeudic.

TG- thanks for sharing your own Al-Anon experience. It is very important for me to remain upbeat here. I appreciate everyone's advice and no one here has ever offended me. I'm open ears b/c apparently, I can't figure this out myself or I wouldn't need this place .

Cat3

Hi Mega,
Late to the party as usual. I can only say that we all have our breaking points and being a codie may have made the tree more like a willow than an oak. No matter, willows can only take so much and I have faith in you that you will do the right thing at the right time. Nobody else can feel what's in your heart and the hurt you are going through. I'm praying for you Mega.