Recovery Question ...
Getting busy living!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Recovery Question ...
My husband should be getting out of jail very soon. Possibly tomorrow. He's been in jail for 75 days which means he hasn't been drinking for that long. He'll be in a program through the sherriff's office and they'll do a urine test on him 7 days a week while he's in the program (and I'm not sure how long the program will last). I've never known my husband really sober. Certainly not for this long. He'll be going to AA too.
Now, to my question. Some of you have SO's who are RA's. Please share with me some of your experiences during the early days of their recovery. By early I mean what you exerpienced with them say in the first year of their recovery. Behaviors, etc that were either different or the same when they were actively drinking. ANything that threw you for a loop.
Also, how did you handle the fear that the "other shoe would drop". I know that's something I have got to learn how to handle. I know it all revolves around trust and I have lots of reasons to not have much but that won't excuse me if I'm constantly "looking", so to speak.
Answer me here if you'd like but if you'd rather PM me that's ok too.
Thank you!!!!!!
Now, to my question. Some of you have SO's who are RA's. Please share with me some of your experiences during the early days of their recovery. By early I mean what you exerpienced with them say in the first year of their recovery. Behaviors, etc that were either different or the same when they were actively drinking. ANything that threw you for a loop.
Also, how did you handle the fear that the "other shoe would drop". I know that's something I have got to learn how to handle. I know it all revolves around trust and I have lots of reasons to not have much but that won't excuse me if I'm constantly "looking", so to speak.
Answer me here if you'd like but if you'd rather PM me that's ok too.
Thank you!!!!!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
This is not what you are asking....but I think it is very important for you both...
link from my files on PAWS...
http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm
Best wishes to the two of you...
link from my files on PAWS...
http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm
Best wishes to the two of you...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey TomsGirl,By the time that hub,came to recovery ,i had already been in both AA and Al-anon for a few years,learning a new way to live.I never saw hub sober,ever,and he drank for 30 years.So this was sure strange to see this new man.fears,did cross my mind,but it was only in passing.All the what if,s what am i to expect now,whats going to happen now,all of these things i let go,and continued to focus on my recovery.For many years before recovery,i had worried,wondered,in fears,of his drinking.Now am i going to still do this to myself when he is sober?No,no way.Al-anon teaches,hands off his recovery,and this is what i have done.Have no expectations.Make no judgements.Let go and let God.Bottles were only a symbol.Man nots perfect,yet,lol,but then again im not either.Live and let live.The thing about change,is that change happenes everyday.Im not the person i was even yesterday.Since that time,ive learned more things.Change is a constant.Even when drinking.It got worse everyday.So there is always change,of some sort.Everytime i looked at him,saying who is,he,i remember to open my mind and heart and not be stuck on who i thought he once was.All my thoughts about who i think another is comes from my own perceptions,and i dont see whats in the heart,of another.I dont know really how i would handle,a stranger,lol, without living in recovery myself.If ever the other shoe does drop,thats his issue not mine.Id feel sad for him.Detache with love,from the outcome.We have handed our lives over to the care of God.Living one day at a time,making the most of what is,and not worrying about what may come.We still have goals,make plans,in our life,but we dont fall in love with them.If they work out great,if not,then acceptance,of what is.
Thanks for letting me share,my prayers for you both,
God Bless and take care!!!
Thanks for letting me share,my prayers for you both,
God Bless and take care!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Yeap...it got worst and worst.
I did the 1st step as my sponsor suggested. It help me a great deal
I notice stuff like.....as each time I got arrested, I spent longer
and longer in jail. The first time is was an overnite (barfight).
The last time it was for a 511, which meant I was totally wacked
out of my mind, under a control substance. Drunk, stone and
speeding at the same time. Bascially , I pumped all these chemicals
into my system...I was out there and didn't want to comeback
For me, the first year was a bit tough. But I got better.
I attended AA/NA and it was the only source or ties to society.
I couldn't function, unemployable. I wanted no part of life or
wanted to have anything to do with this living bussiness.
Angery, fustrated at everything and everybody, mosty at myself.
A part of me didn't want to be like that, but i didn't have any proper
living tools at the time. I was also seeing a doctor at the time, plus
I was also on medications and the other perscription my Dr. had for
me was to attend a 12 step program.
I didn't want to hurt anyone or be a burden to anybody.
My temper was short. I lacked focused, I was depressed or had
anxiety attacks. I was basically having a nerverse break down.
I was also put and disability for a while.
I couldn't even handle money. I went from sleeping in my car,
but i had my own home, which I couldn't all wouldn't go to.
I had to move back in with my parents. I slept on the floor
but is was okay. My goal was to just stay clean and sober
no matter what. I got around $1600 p month
from my disability checks. I was Making 50k/p year
when the sheit hit the fan. The money or material gain
didn't make me happy. I still couldn't grasp or accept my divorce
and loosing my daughter.
My mother gave me $2 per day. Back then two bucks went a ways.lol
Enough for gas for my motorcycle and a pack of Cigg.
I spent all my days riding my bike. I would ride into
the mountain, away..away from peaple, away from
rights and wrongs , good and bad, good and evil.
Mother nature healed me. She gave me peace and open the door
and show me life. I was able to seperate reality from society.
It was a spiritaul retreat that I much needed. I was able to
establish a realationship with a HP there.
Just the peace and serenity of the forrest environment
gave my mind rest and healing
The only other time I go into town beside attending meetings
is to go to the local libuary. I spent a lot of time reserching
reading about the mind, behaviors, spiritual subjects.
A part of me knew...I wasn't well or there was something wrong
with me. Alcoholism is what I have. I'm about as shock as everybody
else to have come to that awakening or relizations.
So within the first year, half of the struggle is acceptence of this fact.
AS much as I the hell I went throught, I still questioned it.
The dis-ease is cunning, baffleing and powerful.
I relapsed over and over again, But I kept going back to the meetings.
I had to earn the 90 days chips a couple of times.
I did the 1st step as my sponsor suggested. It help me a great deal
I notice stuff like.....as each time I got arrested, I spent longer
and longer in jail. The first time is was an overnite (barfight).
The last time it was for a 511, which meant I was totally wacked
out of my mind, under a control substance. Drunk, stone and
speeding at the same time. Bascially , I pumped all these chemicals
into my system...I was out there and didn't want to comeback
For me, the first year was a bit tough. But I got better.
I attended AA/NA and it was the only source or ties to society.
I couldn't function, unemployable. I wanted no part of life or
wanted to have anything to do with this living bussiness.
Angery, fustrated at everything and everybody, mosty at myself.
A part of me didn't want to be like that, but i didn't have any proper
living tools at the time. I was also seeing a doctor at the time, plus
I was also on medications and the other perscription my Dr. had for
me was to attend a 12 step program.
I didn't want to hurt anyone or be a burden to anybody.
My temper was short. I lacked focused, I was depressed or had
anxiety attacks. I was basically having a nerverse break down.
I was also put and disability for a while.
I couldn't even handle money. I went from sleeping in my car,
but i had my own home, which I couldn't all wouldn't go to.
I had to move back in with my parents. I slept on the floor
but is was okay. My goal was to just stay clean and sober
no matter what. I got around $1600 p month
from my disability checks. I was Making 50k/p year
when the sheit hit the fan. The money or material gain
didn't make me happy. I still couldn't grasp or accept my divorce
and loosing my daughter.
My mother gave me $2 per day. Back then two bucks went a ways.lol
Enough for gas for my motorcycle and a pack of Cigg.
I spent all my days riding my bike. I would ride into
the mountain, away..away from peaple, away from
rights and wrongs , good and bad, good and evil.
Mother nature healed me. She gave me peace and open the door
and show me life. I was able to seperate reality from society.
It was a spiritaul retreat that I much needed. I was able to
establish a realationship with a HP there.
Just the peace and serenity of the forrest environment
gave my mind rest and healing
The only other time I go into town beside attending meetings
is to go to the local libuary. I spent a lot of time reserching
reading about the mind, behaviors, spiritual subjects.
A part of me knew...I wasn't well or there was something wrong
with me. Alcoholism is what I have. I'm about as shock as everybody
else to have come to that awakening or relizations.
So within the first year, half of the struggle is acceptence of this fact.
AS much as I the hell I went throught, I still questioned it.
The dis-ease is cunning, baffleing and powerful.
I relapsed over and over again, But I kept going back to the meetings.
I had to earn the 90 days chips a couple of times.
Getting busy living!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Thanks Cap3! Your words are so true. I can't control him, only myself and I think I can handle keeping my fingers out of his recovery. I know I won't have a problem if much of his time is spent on that recovery as in being in lots of AA meetings. Hell, when he was activley drinking there at the end I sure didn't "have" him around. And he's always isolated himself so I would welcome him developing new friendships. I think that would be so good for him. Yes, he may relapse but I can't sit around waiting for that. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, any of us could, but if I sat around expecting that to happen life sure would suck wouldn't it! lol "One day at a time" ... I will say that to myself often. Thanks!
And thanks to you too Satit. My husband is on disability too. He can't work and going back too soon last time did him way more harm than good. He told me he used the booze to numb everything. Emotions, stress, fears. I know it will be hard for him to face all those things sober. But with AA and sessions with his therapist he'll have lots of opportunities to let out so much of what he's held inside (and smothered with booze) for many years. I know my strong belief is that no matter how difficult recovery is it will in no way compare to what life was like during these last 12 months. I can handle difficulty, etc if I know it's difficulty that can result in positive results.
And thanks to you too Satit. My husband is on disability too. He can't work and going back too soon last time did him way more harm than good. He told me he used the booze to numb everything. Emotions, stress, fears. I know it will be hard for him to face all those things sober. But with AA and sessions with his therapist he'll have lots of opportunities to let out so much of what he's held inside (and smothered with booze) for many years. I know my strong belief is that no matter how difficult recovery is it will in no way compare to what life was like during these last 12 months. I can handle difficulty, etc if I know it's difficulty that can result in positive results.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I think for me, the hardest part for me was believing he was actually sober. I was angry and I tried to push all of his buttons to **** him off, to see if he really meant what he was doing. Notice I said what he was doing, not saying.
My husband never spoke of his recovery, just did what he needed to do. It took me awhile to stop being angry and to stop watching every little thing he did, but eventually I did with the help of Al Anon and counselling. I stopped putting "subliminal" pressure on him and he continued with his meetings and eventually everything came together.
I love my husband and it wasn't until he was sober that I realized how much I did, actually it was when he became sober that I realized I liked him too.
Don't know if this helps, but it's what happened with us. I never worried about a relapse, I don't know why, but I just never did.
My husband never spoke of his recovery, just did what he needed to do. It took me awhile to stop being angry and to stop watching every little thing he did, but eventually I did with the help of Al Anon and counselling. I stopped putting "subliminal" pressure on him and he continued with his meetings and eventually everything came together.
I love my husband and it wasn't until he was sober that I realized how much I did, actually it was when he became sober that I realized I liked him too.
Don't know if this helps, but it's what happened with us. I never worried about a relapse, I don't know why, but I just never did.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
It dosen't happen overnite. The alcoholic suffers from instant
gradifications or basically and extreem case of denial.
"i don't waNT to see that or deal with it"...that's part of getting
smashed or buzz all the time. And it's a cycle of self distruction
becuase it gets worst and worst , bascially unmanageable.
it's gets better gradually, so lower you're expectations.
AA reminds peaple all the time.
30 days, 90 days, 6 months, 1 year...that's overnite.
Plus an alki has to find a differnent way to celebrate.lol
I've seen peaple relapsed becuase they celebrated their 1 year,
And think that they're cured.
Plus if you do it behind bars or in a rehab center...the theory
still havn't been tests or practiced. And most peaple don't
get it right the first time, second time or third.
it's why AA say "keep coming back NO MATTER WHAT"
it's more realitic, but If you have the foresite of ESH.
You don't give up on recovery when going thur this process
or learning curve.
gradifications or basically and extreem case of denial.
"i don't waNT to see that or deal with it"...that's part of getting
smashed or buzz all the time. And it's a cycle of self distruction
becuase it gets worst and worst , bascially unmanageable.
it's gets better gradually, so lower you're expectations.
AA reminds peaple all the time.
30 days, 90 days, 6 months, 1 year...that's overnite.
Plus an alki has to find a differnent way to celebrate.lol
I've seen peaple relapsed becuase they celebrated their 1 year,
And think that they're cured.
Plus if you do it behind bars or in a rehab center...the theory
still havn't been tests or practiced. And most peaple don't
get it right the first time, second time or third.
it's why AA say "keep coming back NO MATTER WHAT"
it's more realitic, but If you have the foresite of ESH.
You don't give up on recovery when going thur this process
or learning curve.
Getting busy living!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
My husband never spoke of his recovery, just did what he needed to do. It took me awhile to stop being angry and to stop watching every little thing he did, but eventually I did with the help of Al Anon and counselling. I stopped putting "subliminal" pressure on him and he continued with his meetings and eventually everything came together.
Thanks Judy! This really hit home with me. My H kept a lot of stuff to himself when he was active and he may be the same way in his recovery. I'm going to tell him that if he wants to share/talk about anything that goes on in his recovery he certainly can talk but I want him to know that I won't be asking. But I'll make it clear that I'm not asking because I don't care but that I don't want to "go" where I shouldn't unless he opens up that door to me.
Quick example: I got put on written warning at the end of January because of inappropriate behavoir. Meaning I was getting overly angry at co-workers and I've come to realize it had nothing to do with my co-workers or work at all for that matter. All the stress inside me had set my reaction level to high. It made me take a good look at what was going on with me. Made me realize I was holding way too much inside and made me get back into therapy. Will I tell my H about this? No way! I know he would feel guilty, as in he was the root of the problem. I'm working it out, everything will be ok, so telling him would be pointless.
Thanks again everyone!!!!
Thanks Judy! This really hit home with me. My H kept a lot of stuff to himself when he was active and he may be the same way in his recovery. I'm going to tell him that if he wants to share/talk about anything that goes on in his recovery he certainly can talk but I want him to know that I won't be asking. But I'll make it clear that I'm not asking because I don't care but that I don't want to "go" where I shouldn't unless he opens up that door to me.
Quick example: I got put on written warning at the end of January because of inappropriate behavoir. Meaning I was getting overly angry at co-workers and I've come to realize it had nothing to do with my co-workers or work at all for that matter. All the stress inside me had set my reaction level to high. It made me take a good look at what was going on with me. Made me realize I was holding way too much inside and made me get back into therapy. Will I tell my H about this? No way! I know he would feel guilty, as in he was the root of the problem. I'm working it out, everything will be ok, so telling him would be pointless.
Thanks again everyone!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Yes, I'll say that my husband was quiet and introspective (is that a word) while drinking except for the occasional angry outburst, but once sober he is really the same. Now he seems more interested in things, ie, the news, what's going on, he shares opinions about stuff etc, but he is a quiet man for the most part.
Usually when he speaks people listen to him because he is a man of few words, so when he does have something to offer, it is usually something he feels strongly about and has given a lot of thought to.
Me, I am very mouthy and very wordy ..... so I guess he doesn't get much air space with me around, but we manage through it LOL.
Usually when he speaks people listen to him because he is a man of few words, so when he does have something to offer, it is usually something he feels strongly about and has given a lot of thought to.
Me, I am very mouthy and very wordy ..... so I guess he doesn't get much air space with me around, but we manage through it LOL.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: California
Posts: 39
Recovery Question
Originally Posted by SaTiT
Yeap...it got worst and worst.
I did the 1st step as my sponsor suggested. It help me a great deal
I notice stuff like.....as each time I got arrested, I spent longer
and longer in jail. The first time is was an overnite (barfight).
The last time it was for a 511, which meant I was totally wacked
out of my mind, under a control substance. Drunk, stone and
speeding at the same time. Bascially , I pumped all these chemicals
into my system...I was out there and didn't want to comeback
For me, the first year was a bit tough. But I got better.
I attended AA/NA and it was the only source or ties to society.
I couldn't function, unemployable. I wanted no part of life or
wanted to have anything to do with this living bussiness.
Angery, fustrated at everything and everybody, mosty at myself.
A part of me didn't want to be like that, but i didn't have any proper
living tools at the time. I was also seeing a doctor at the time, plus
I was also on medications and the other perscription my Dr. had for
me was to attend a 12 step program.
I didn't want to hurt anyone or be a burden to anybody.
My temper was short. I lacked focused, I was depressed or had
anxiety attacks. I was basically having a nerverse break down.
I was also put and disability for a while.
I couldn't even handle money. I went from sleeping in my car,
but i had my own home, which I couldn't all wouldn't go to.
I had to move back in with my parents. I slept on the floor
but is was okay. My goal was to just stay clean and sober
no matter what. I got around $1600 p month
from my disability checks. I was Making 50k/p year
when the sheit hit the fan. The money or material gain
didn't make me happy. I still couldn't grasp or accept my divorce
and loosing my daughter.
My mother gave me $2 per day. Back then two bucks went a ways.lol
Enough for gas for my motorcycle and a pack of Cigg.
I spent all my days riding my bike. I would ride into
the mountain, away..away from peaple, away from
rights and wrongs , good and bad, good and evil.
Mother nature healed me. She gave me peace and open the door
and show me life. I was able to seperate reality from society.
It was a spiritaul retreat that I much needed. I was able to
establish a realationship with a HP there.
Just the peace and serenity of the forrest environment
gave my mind rest and healing
The only other time I go into town beside attending meetings
is to go to the local libuary. I spent a lot of time reserching
reading about the mind, behaviors, spiritual subjects.
A part of me knew...I wasn't well or there was something wrong
with me. Alcoholism is what I have. I'm about as shock as everybody
else to have come to that awakening or relizations.
So within the first year, half of the struggle is acceptence of this fact.
AS much as I the hell I went throught, I still questioned it.
The dis-ease is cunning, baffleing and powerful.
I relapsed over and over again, But I kept going back to the meetings.
I had to earn the 90 days chips a couple of times.
I did the 1st step as my sponsor suggested. It help me a great deal
I notice stuff like.....as each time I got arrested, I spent longer
and longer in jail. The first time is was an overnite (barfight).
The last time it was for a 511, which meant I was totally wacked
out of my mind, under a control substance. Drunk, stone and
speeding at the same time. Bascially , I pumped all these chemicals
into my system...I was out there and didn't want to comeback
For me, the first year was a bit tough. But I got better.
I attended AA/NA and it was the only source or ties to society.
I couldn't function, unemployable. I wanted no part of life or
wanted to have anything to do with this living bussiness.
Angery, fustrated at everything and everybody, mosty at myself.
A part of me didn't want to be like that, but i didn't have any proper
living tools at the time. I was also seeing a doctor at the time, plus
I was also on medications and the other perscription my Dr. had for
me was to attend a 12 step program.
I didn't want to hurt anyone or be a burden to anybody.
My temper was short. I lacked focused, I was depressed or had
anxiety attacks. I was basically having a nerverse break down.
I was also put and disability for a while.
I couldn't even handle money. I went from sleeping in my car,
but i had my own home, which I couldn't all wouldn't go to.
I had to move back in with my parents. I slept on the floor
but is was okay. My goal was to just stay clean and sober
no matter what. I got around $1600 p month
from my disability checks. I was Making 50k/p year
when the sheit hit the fan. The money or material gain
didn't make me happy. I still couldn't grasp or accept my divorce
and loosing my daughter.
My mother gave me $2 per day. Back then two bucks went a ways.lol
Enough for gas for my motorcycle and a pack of Cigg.
I spent all my days riding my bike. I would ride into
the mountain, away..away from peaple, away from
rights and wrongs , good and bad, good and evil.
Mother nature healed me. She gave me peace and open the door
and show me life. I was able to seperate reality from society.
It was a spiritaul retreat that I much needed. I was able to
establish a realationship with a HP there.
Just the peace and serenity of the forrest environment
gave my mind rest and healing
The only other time I go into town beside attending meetings
is to go to the local libuary. I spent a lot of time reserching
reading about the mind, behaviors, spiritual subjects.
A part of me knew...I wasn't well or there was something wrong
with me. Alcoholism is what I have. I'm about as shock as everybody
else to have come to that awakening or relizations.
So within the first year, half of the struggle is acceptence of this fact.
AS much as I the hell I went throught, I still questioned it.
The dis-ease is cunning, baffleing and powerful.
I relapsed over and over again, But I kept going back to the meetings.
I had to earn the 90 days chips a couple of times.
Yes, yes. I used to say I could tile a small bathroom floor with 30 day chips.
Stay strong, far from here: to borrow from Jammer's post :
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
It's getting better.
Love Spungold49
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