Desperate For Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 29
Desperate For Help
I have been living with an alcoholic for about 2 1/2 years now. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. The true unconditional love. We were best friends for 3 years before we lived together and I ended up leaving my marriage of 10 years to be with him. He drank before we moved in together but not like he has been doing for the last 2 years.
In 2003 he wrecked his truck pretty bad and lost more than half of the blood in his body. In 2004 he lost his job as a letter carrier, he had his new truck repossesed and lost his friends. In 2005 he broke his back due to a seizure he had from withdrawls and was supposed to never walk again, he is walking now though (Thank God.) All of this was caused from his alcoholism.
He finally decided that his disease was far more powerful than him and that he needed help. He just got out of a 28 day inpatient rehab program 2 weeks ago and just started a strict out patient program 1 week ago, but just 2 days ago he started drinking again. He is blaming his relapse on me because I woke in a bad mood from having nightmares of the things he had put me through in the past 2 years. He was very verbally abusive, he cheated, he lied, he threatened to kill me etc... I lost my home to foreclosure, had to file bankruptcy and lost a lot of my friends because of the alcohol.
Last night he never came home. I found him this morning at a motel about 20 minutes away. He was hung over and going with the withdrawl process again. I convinced him to come home but then he left again 2 hours later. This was around 11:30 am. He said he would meet me this afternoon around 3 but I havent heard from him since he left.
I know he is drinking. I am scared to death he is going to die or kill someone else by driving drunk. Is any of this my fault for being in a bad mood on Thursday? I know alcoholics have a low mentality (at least mine does) but what about my mentality and trying to deal with all of this? Not to mention trying to forget the past and forgive him.
My friends advice to me is to walk away and move on, but how do you do that when your alcoholic is the one person you have ever truly been in love with and feel he's the only person you will ever love?
Sorry this is so long, but I guess I had a lot to say.
In 2003 he wrecked his truck pretty bad and lost more than half of the blood in his body. In 2004 he lost his job as a letter carrier, he had his new truck repossesed and lost his friends. In 2005 he broke his back due to a seizure he had from withdrawls and was supposed to never walk again, he is walking now though (Thank God.) All of this was caused from his alcoholism.
He finally decided that his disease was far more powerful than him and that he needed help. He just got out of a 28 day inpatient rehab program 2 weeks ago and just started a strict out patient program 1 week ago, but just 2 days ago he started drinking again. He is blaming his relapse on me because I woke in a bad mood from having nightmares of the things he had put me through in the past 2 years. He was very verbally abusive, he cheated, he lied, he threatened to kill me etc... I lost my home to foreclosure, had to file bankruptcy and lost a lot of my friends because of the alcohol.
Last night he never came home. I found him this morning at a motel about 20 minutes away. He was hung over and going with the withdrawl process again. I convinced him to come home but then he left again 2 hours later. This was around 11:30 am. He said he would meet me this afternoon around 3 but I havent heard from him since he left.
I know he is drinking. I am scared to death he is going to die or kill someone else by driving drunk. Is any of this my fault for being in a bad mood on Thursday? I know alcoholics have a low mentality (at least mine does) but what about my mentality and trying to deal with all of this? Not to mention trying to forget the past and forgive him.
My friends advice to me is to walk away and move on, but how do you do that when your alcoholic is the one person you have ever truly been in love with and feel he's the only person you will ever love?
Sorry this is so long, but I guess I had a lot to say.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Hi CAL and welcome to SR. You will find a lot of information and understanding here. We have all been through different variations of the situation you describe. If you read the posts, and especially the stickies at the top, you will see what I mean. Many here have been helped by Alanon. Individual counseling has helped me tremendously. There are also many good books you can read to help you understand what you are dealing with and how to cope. "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie is probably the most reccommended on this site. It took me at least two times reading it before I really *got it.*
Above all, do not blame yourself for your husband's drinking. There is nothing you did or can do to cause him to drink. He decides that for himself. There is also nothing you can do to make him stop.
The three c's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and you can't cure it
Keep coming back. There is support here 24/7.
L
Above all, do not blame yourself for your husband's drinking. There is nothing you did or can do to cause him to drink. He decides that for himself. There is also nothing you can do to make him stop.
The three c's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and you can't cure it
Keep coming back. There is support here 24/7.
L
Just one of the gang
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 73
Hi Confused.
Unless you knocked him down, sat on him, pryed his mouth open and poured the liquor down his throat his drinking is not your fault. I hope you won't take his accusation to heart. He made the decision to drink. Or perhaps he just didn't decide to NOT drink. People have moods. Couples quarrel. Not everyone runs to the liquor store when they're a little frustrated with their partner.
If you know he is driving drunk, you can report him to the police. It will be darned incovenient for him to lose his license, but less inconvenient than going to jail for manslaughter.
How do you walk away? Some people never do. That's a very personal decision. I had a number of "last straw moments" before Rasputin and I agreed he had to move out before I killed him. I did and do have that same feeling about him, though. He's my heart. But while I do actually feel that love can be unconditional, I have decided that for me, relationships are not. Relationships can have conditions. My partner has to be honest with me and right with the law, or he can't be my partner.
Since we just met I'll tell you that after 8 years of struggle and 2 years of solid recovery Rasputin is doing well now and we're getting along great. Does that sound like a long time? If someone could have held up a crystal ball for me 9 years ago and told me it would be like that, I think I could have found the strength to pry myself apart from him sooner and with more permanent results. But we don't get that kind of info. So, while you're considering your friends' viewpoints ask yourself if, just like he is, you want him. If he doesn't change a hair, ever... is this what you want for yourself? Because he might not. And you are the only person who knows if what you get from this relationship is worth what you have to pay.
You are now among friends who know very well the emotions you are struggling with. Congratulations on finding the strength and wisdom to reach out. You don't ever have to feel alone with this again.
Dop
Unless you knocked him down, sat on him, pryed his mouth open and poured the liquor down his throat his drinking is not your fault. I hope you won't take his accusation to heart. He made the decision to drink. Or perhaps he just didn't decide to NOT drink. People have moods. Couples quarrel. Not everyone runs to the liquor store when they're a little frustrated with their partner.
If you know he is driving drunk, you can report him to the police. It will be darned incovenient for him to lose his license, but less inconvenient than going to jail for manslaughter.
How do you walk away? Some people never do. That's a very personal decision. I had a number of "last straw moments" before Rasputin and I agreed he had to move out before I killed him. I did and do have that same feeling about him, though. He's my heart. But while I do actually feel that love can be unconditional, I have decided that for me, relationships are not. Relationships can have conditions. My partner has to be honest with me and right with the law, or he can't be my partner.
Since we just met I'll tell you that after 8 years of struggle and 2 years of solid recovery Rasputin is doing well now and we're getting along great. Does that sound like a long time? If someone could have held up a crystal ball for me 9 years ago and told me it would be like that, I think I could have found the strength to pry myself apart from him sooner and with more permanent results. But we don't get that kind of info. So, while you're considering your friends' viewpoints ask yourself if, just like he is, you want him. If he doesn't change a hair, ever... is this what you want for yourself? Because he might not. And you are the only person who knows if what you get from this relationship is worth what you have to pay.
You are now among friends who know very well the emotions you are struggling with. Congratulations on finding the strength and wisdom to reach out. You don't ever have to feel alone with this again.
Dop
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
I was married for a short period of time to someone who also had a drinking problem. When I first realized this, I told him that I loved him with my whole heart and that I loved him to much to just stand by and watch him slowly destroy his life and I refused to live my life like that. He stopped for awhile (as far as I know) however then used alcohol as a way to control me. The final straw was when I was planning to go to a party with my best friend. When I told him this, he said if I went without him he was going to drink. I told him that was his choice, he was a grown man, and I was not his mother to stay and "baby-sit" him. I told him that he is the only one who can make the choice of to drink or not to drink, however if he did drink he knew what the consequences were. I came home that night to him totally wasted. The next day I asked him to move out.
It was really really hard, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. However as much as I did (and still do) love him, I didn't want to see him slowly kill himself. I would be there every step of the way if he chose treatment and/or worked towards recovery. But that had to be his choice, not mine. Plus, if I let him "get away" with his drinking, what did that say about me? That my warnings of the consequences were just idle threats? That I didn't back up what I said? That he could do whatever he wanted because he knew I wouldn't do anything about it?
No one can tell you what to do or not to do. However I would strongly recommend seeing a counseler who can remain objective and help you deal with some of these issues. I know it really helped me.
Whatever you decide, whenever you decide it and all the time in between- we will be here for you!
It was really really hard, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. However as much as I did (and still do) love him, I didn't want to see him slowly kill himself. I would be there every step of the way if he chose treatment and/or worked towards recovery. But that had to be his choice, not mine. Plus, if I let him "get away" with his drinking, what did that say about me? That my warnings of the consequences were just idle threats? That I didn't back up what I said? That he could do whatever he wanted because he knew I wouldn't do anything about it?
what about my mentality and trying to deal with all of this? Not to mention trying to forget the past and forgive him.
Whatever you decide, whenever you decide it and all the time in between- we will be here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 29
I want to thank everyone for their input on this....its exactly what I need to hear. I am going on 15 hours now without knowing where my alcoholic is. I dont know if he is even alive at this point. He was supposed to have just been calling his sponsor and then meeting me about 10 hours ago...and I havent heard a word from him.
I gain some sort of inner strength from reading your replies and want you know how much it helps me deal with all of this.
Thank you again!
I gain some sort of inner strength from reading your replies and want you know how much it helps me deal with all of this.
Thank you again!
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