outofthedark2

Okay...here's what I'm struggling with....
Everyone says "they're hurting themselves", "someday, they'll need someone and no one will be there" Eventually, the addiction will destroy them and they will realize what they've done....."They aren't really happy"...

What about NOW?? Eventually, both the crack addict and ourselves will be older and may BOTH have no-one...Someday, they won't have anyone, but TODAY I have no-one. They're hurting themselves? They are getting high and LOVING it. Happy? If they are high, they're happy.

I kept telling my ex when I was with him that life was meant to be lived...not numbed. But really, after 3yrs and still obssessing over him and not getting over the pain, I'm beginning to wonder...why not be high? You get to not feel pain, and if you're numb you don't know or care about what you're missing anyway....
I just wanted to vent. Just makes me wonder...

megamysterioso

Because as you said:

It is true and it shows that you are strong enough to take what life throws your way and deal with it with grace and DIGNITY.

Done_With_It

I struggle with those thoughts too, especially when I was using.

But what I know, is that using is guaranteeing a life of pain and being
alone, recovery is always a chance to live. If you are alone go to a
meeting, join a club, whatever.

There is always someone who needs and wants a new friend.
If your sober you may be that person, if your using, you will never
find anyone in the same way. It won't be real.

Time, working on yourself and pushing yourself to a new level will
reward you eventually. I promise that.........

Pick-a-name

Thanks everyone......I really needed this thread right now! My head knows what you say is true.....just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.

bahookie

I've thought things like this too... yeah, I'd like to just get stoned out of my face and lie around doing nothing for a year, nah, lets make it two. I'd like to hide from all feeling of responsibility, spend my time daydreaming and planning for ficticious futures

I think the reason we don't all do it is that we see there's too much to lose.
Knowing more about the way her head works, it's such a scary place I wouldn't volunteer to go there for even a day.

Well, that and the fact I'd chuck up if I tried it even once.

J
xxx

Pick-a-name

Yeah...that,too!

I guess we are lucky we do...according to "Under the Influence" our ability to do that IS what keeps us from doing that and getting where they are!

cwohio

i have those fleeting thoughts occasionally but they don't last long thank goodness. my desire to experience life with all it's quirks is obviously stronger than those little bumps.

denny57

((out))

3 years IS a long time to be in so much pain. What are you doing for yourself? Do you see a therapist? Group therapy? Did or do you attend Al-Anon or another program? Even though he is no longer in your life, it might help to talk face to face with other people who understand how you feel. You said it yourself - life is to be lived; I'd hate to see you lose sight of that obsessing on another's addiction.

Lots of hugs to you.

Done_With_It

Great thread! Glad you made it. Do you live by an amusement park?
Or someplace that gives you a rush? When I was first getting clean
I had to do fun stuff, lol, I still do....... I went to concerts, went for
hikes, whatever I could do that reminded me of the things that makes
life fun and good for me without drugs.

It worked so well......... What do you like to do? Are you artistic or creative?

bahookie

Brain farts, I like to think of them as brain farts.



J
xxx

Aquiana

I'd say the biggest problem with drinking or drugging your problems away, (I've thought it too) is that you are then NEVER going to have the ability to find a healthy, constructive way to deal with them. It may take more time to solve problems in a healthy fashion but once you master it, you'll feel so good and have a life with true happiness. The skills will keep you going. Drinking and drugging is the opposite I think, fast problem solving followed by a slow death physically and mentally since the problem never actually goes away. You can only hide so much junk under the bed before it starts spilling out the sides.

Cynay

Not to mention the headach of waking up each morning ..... and having to use just to function.

Also there is another thought. If you dont work on yourself, grow and change you will probably always attract people with addictions or ism's .... That is enought to scare me into recovery in itself

Pick-a-name

As a matter of fact, I have started working out with a trainer a few times a week and have taken a couple of watercolor painting classes.....I haven't been able to paint since my kids were born,but I started back up last spring. It DOES help. (walks, "make-over", eating out...that helps,too) Thanks for the tips!

Aquiana

One more thing I thought of while I was cleaning out my son's playpen, (by the way a prime example of hiding things somewhere and then having an even bigger mess to clean up when you have to take care of it ),not only will you eventually have to face the things you've hidden for so long but you will have probably lost anyone who would have previously supported you. You'd probably be dealing with it alone since many people who cared about you will have already turned away because they couldn't handle the drama anymore.

L8YNRED

Many times I have thought alcohol and drugs have screwed up my life, I might as well be the drunk one. Then everyone would bend over backward to take care of me and carry my responsibilities and I could be the one that is the center of attention. And I could be drunk or high or whatever and I wouldn't have to be the one hurting. Seems awfully attractive sometimes. I guess I can see why they do it.

And then I get real
And go back to learning how to deal

Ann

They hurt, more than we can ever imagine. Most I know would sell their souls to just be able to wake up in the morning and feel like we do. The fun doesn't last long, but by then it's too late.

Trade places? Not for all the money in the world.

Just how I see it from where I sit.

Hugs,

Done_With_It

Very well put Ann,

To think an addict isn't in pain, is not logical.

And being an addict is not attractive for anyone who may think it is.
It sucks more than you could ever imagine, and I've never met one
who does it to be the center of attention.
It's not fun, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

thirdtimer

My ah told me once that with addiction you always chase after your first high. And the fun turns into need, then your life turns into the next fix just to relieve that compulsion. Addiction isn't numbing or satisfying. It's a drive that is there all the time except for the first few minutes of satisfying it. I think sometimes I'm addicted to doing well at work. I'm driven to do the best job I possibly can, and other areas of my life suffer. I think it's similar in addiction to alcohol, drugs, whatever. But with an addiction to work I can come home and still participate and not hurt others around me. It's easier to control that addiction, especially when your work place closes the doors on you and doesn't open them until 7:30 the next morning. When I worked at home I worked all the time. What is it in ourselves that pushes us to self-harm?

Add on to that the fact that addictions are progressive. It starts out under control, then it takes control of you, your loved ones, and anyone else that connects to you. It's something I would never want. I came close to cocaine addiction about 18 years ago. That one snort (remember, it was the 80's) in front of me, then my ex-sister in law asking how I could do that when she asked me not to so her husband wouldn't use. I looked down, was one move away from letting this take over my life, and in that second I KNEW I couldn't do this to my child, my family or myself. Unfortunately my h couldn't do that. It ended our marriage (the love of my life), my innocence and my son's security. That is what it does. It isn't just one more, it's one more life. Take that moment of contemplation before going further. It might help.

justangie

Outofthedark2

I just started a book on tape that may or may not intrest you but if you are still obsessing after three years you may find it helpful. Good luck whatever you decide to do. The book is Women who love to much. By Robin Norwood

outofthedark2

Thanks everyone...I'm really glad I found this site. I my ex is just mean deep in his character. When he went back to using, after all my times of being there for him and trying to help him he actually laughed and said "yeah, well you knew what I was" and just chalked me up like I was nothing. But I just always remember him saying that nothing bothered him, he could care less about anyones feelings. He even told me once when a neighbors child died (he himself has two boys ) that if it happened to him, he'd get over it and move on and just laughed. So at this point I'm wondering,was it the crack that destroyed his soul or is he just a bad person period...
The thing is, I understand what all of you are saying...it's important to "go through" our hurt...that it makes us stronger...that we can have the satisfaction of looking back and saying" I made it through"
But I guess what I'm trying to figure out about life is...What really is the difference hwether we can say that or not? They don't really know what "pain" is when it comes to loving someone with all your heart and being betrayed...what ever pain they will go through THEY brought onto themselves.
I know 4 crack addicts and the only time they've ever said they were in "pain" was when they lost something. And then it was only temporary, until they got it back again after being clean for a phase and then RIGHT back to hurting others again....not pain from being humbled it was pain from selfishness...they no longer had a car, or a house or someone there to take advantage of....
AND EACH ONE TOLD ME...IT'S JUST PLAIN FUN GETTING HIGH. I went wrong in thinking my ex add. was in some sort of inner pain, and wanted to help him...felt sorry for him. he later told me that the fact was that he could care less about anyone and that if he could get high everynight for the rest of his life without getting caught or losing his job he would. Told me he was PROUD that he could be so "carefree" and move on from relationships so easily and not didn't get tied down with what others thought of him.
Just seems like everyone says Oh, they're hurting but I know for a fact that if you don't care, you don't CARE...how can you hurt when you have no feelings? Most of them will keep using until the day they die and the truth is they'll probably be "happier" in this life because they don't have to feel anything...
sorry, just venting and talking out loud.....:-)