gstopo

My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 21 months. We've rarely been apart since he completed treatment and I've had suspicions that he did drink when he was away at a training school for 2 weeks. He says that he didn't but a part of me does not believe him. I could always tell when he was drinking, even over the phone, and 99% of the time, I was right. When will I quit wondering if he's drinking? Will it take forever for me to completely trust him when he says he's not? He hasn't attended an AA meeting since last May; he used to go at least weekly. I would like him to go again but I haven't talked to him about it. I don't always feel comfortable talking to him about this because it makes him feel bad when I bring it up. And then I feel bad for saying anything. I just need someone to tell me WHEN I will quit feeling this way. There is not an Alanon program in my town and the closest one is 50 miles away so I haven't been able to talk to anybody else who understands the situation. I would really appreciate any feedback.

JT

Welcome Gstapo,

It is going to take as long as it takes. For you it is more than 21 months. And that is fine. He violated your trust and probably lied a great deal...why would you trust him too soon? If he has relapsed you will know soon enough, so don't ruin your day worrying about it.
This is a good place to come when you can't find a meeting. Look at the power posts at the top...there is some gret reading material in the book club. Melody Beattie is a fav around here. You can design a progam for yourself and get your focus off of him.

Pull up a chair and make yourself at home!
Hugs,
JT

EmotionalMeg

Hi gstopo,
I know what you are feeling all too well. My husband sought treatment in the summer of last year and was sober for only 3 1/2 months. He has relapsed several times since, though he does not want to live that way. during thoses 3 months I was so proud and happy to be his wife; no more hiding and covering up for the awful drunk behavior. We began to get along a lot better, and it felt more like "family". But the problem was that I was always "watching" him. I always assumed that he was gonna drink when he left the house, so that I could prepare myself for the worst. I had no trust in him. Worst of all, I didn't trust ANYTHING. I had no life, because if I wasn't home I couldn't be looking out after him. My husband also began to stop going to meetings - he found them very depressing. Now, he seeks help in a more spiritual way... and so far it is working for him.
As far as it goes for me, When I realized how deeply buried I was in the "job" of being the wife of a recovering alcoholic, I began to see what it was doing to me. I found myself depressed and lonely; I had no energy and motivation... nothing was putting a smile on my face. So, slowly but surely, I am trying to figure out who I am... I am NOT just his wife... and I certainly can do much more productive things than chasing after him to see if he is using or not. And the truth is, the more we leave them alone, the sooner they find a TRUE sobriety.
I guess the only advice I have for you is to stop letting HIS disease be the focus of your life. Every time you find yourself wondering if he's gonna use, or trying to figure out if he did... take that thought and turn it apon yourself. Instead of "what can I do to help/ support him" ask "what can I do to help MYSELF"? And take it in small steps... have a hot bath, go for a walk, meet up with a friend, go shopping, go back to school, join a yoga class... the list is endless.
Just remember who is the most important - YOU!
Meg

gstopo

Thank you both for the replies. Meg, you were right on the money. I do "watch" more than I live my own life. I'm always wondering if he's drinking, trying to smell alcohol when we hug. I used to do it all the time before he went to treatment and I got pretty darn good at it! It's really hard for me to let that behavior go, as it's become such a habit. I'm suspicious of everything he says and does and didn't realize it until lately, that I'm doing it again. When I do confront him about my concerns, he denies that he's done anything but not vehemently enough for me to believe him. When somebody accuses me of doing something that I haven't done, I get super defensive. He doesn't and that just makes me more suspicious. I know that I have to stop letting his disease run my life. I was naive enough to think that things were just fine and dandy and would always be that way. It's been a tough road. Something else that adds to my suspicions is his not attending meetings and getting his medalions. He was so proud of them and wanted to display them in our home to show everybody what he's done. I don't think he even knows where they are at. A friend of mine, whose husband drinks, quit going to meetings and getting medalions because he hadn't completely quit drinking. Is my husband doing the same? Is he ashamed that he relapsed but isn't able to admit it to me? I asked him if he would tell me if he drank again; he said he would, but again, I don't think he would. It took a major confrontation from me and his coworkers to get him to realize that his drinking was running and ruining our lives. I really need someone to keep talking to me about this. Our marriage has changed in the last 6 months and it scares me. There's even a part of me that wishes some of his behaviors when he was drinking were back. How sick is that? He was more sensitive to my needs, hated to see me cry, always put me first. That's changed along with other things. Anymore help would be greatly appreciated!! THANKS!
Laura

liddy

gstopo
I have heard it said that we return to old
behaviors as the alcoholic again reaches
for the bottle. This has helped me realize
if it is so hard to let go of old crap how much
harder it is for them.
I have my own addictions to deal with
manipulating, anger, pity on and on it goes
so many issues of my own how can I have
time to worry about what they are doing !!
somehow I always do !!
God give me the courage to change the
things I can (myself!)...

best to you gytop
love liddy

gstopo

Thanks, Liddy. After reading the responses today I've decided that I cannot control what my husband does when it comes to using. I want so much to believe that he isn't but my gut says otherwise. I'm going to do my best to let it go. I can't live my life worrying about if or when he may drink again. I've got to live one day at a time, first for myself. I know that it isn't going to be easy. Just as my husband recognized his drinking rituals, I've recognized my rituals and need to put a stop to them if I'm going to stay sane. At lunch today, I remembered something from all of the meetings I attended with my husband: Let go and let God. It sounds easy but I know it will not be. Thanks for the help. I know I'll be back for more!

JT

gstopo,

Bulls eye!!

Get your focus off him and do some nice things for yourself. I bet it has been awhile.

Hugs,
JT

EmotionalMeg

gstopo,
I am beginning to wonder if we are living parallell lives - seriously! It's like the posts you wrote came right off of MY keyboard...
Contact me anytime,
Meg

gstopo

Hi Meg,
I sent you a private message as well. Am anxious to explore our parallel lives. Somebody who's thoughts are like mine, I can't pass that up!!! Contact me soon!
Laura