kmagk

Premise: My AH and I have been separated since he relapsed after 2 sober years and he has spent the last 2 completely drunk. He completed rehab, 1 hypnosis session, taking his med, is working again, has gone to 3 AA mtgs. Now he wants us back, everything he says sounds so good. "I know I never treated you like you deserved" "I want you back" "Before I was a dry drunk, now I have changed"
He said it all and it all sounded so good, but I feel like I've heard it before. I also feel like toooooo much has happened. I'm afraid I will never get over all the drama and pain, I'm afraid I will always be looking over my shoulder and that's not fair to; him, me or our kids. I just don't want to be another divorce statistic, I want us to be a happy family, I just don't know if we really can be.

minnie

Same dance, hon. Or perhaps not. The only way to tell is by his actions. How's about he proves it BEFORE you get back together, rather than doing the getting back together first? I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but I seem to know in my bones now whether someone is serious about recovery. Al-anon and open AA meetings have sharpened my radar.

I totally understand that you are scared and hurt because of what has happened - who the heck wouldn't be? Does he understand too?

Cynay

Ditto....

Actions speak sooooo much louder then words.

What has he done for himself???? and can you See the recovery?

megamysterioso

Hi K. I would stay put for a while. It takes a long time for a person to change and unfortunately, most As do relapse at some point. I'm afraid it may be too soon for you if you take him back so quickly. It takes a lot of time and healing for someone to be able to "earn back trust." He's just begun.

ASpouse

3 AA meetings? Tell him 90 in 90 you'll think about it, only "think" about it.

meli2005

Tell him you need to see more action. 2 years of being totally drunk is a long time, takes more than just 3 meetings for you to get over it. I understand your dream. Alcohol robs you of everything, doesn't it?

kmagk

"Alcohol robs you of everything, doesn't it?"

Sure enough does! I feel like his alcoholism took our lives away, he changed everything and didn't decide to do anything till 2 years passed, I can't imagine if I lived like he did. He would have been gone so fast. My life was ideal: finally after all his drinking, he had remained sober for 22 months. In that short time, our life became wonderful; married to my highschool sweetheart, 3 beautiful children, only worked 2 days a week, stayed home w/ my babies, beautiful home w/ the white picket fence. Then came his drinking, along with it; the yelling,hospital stays, fear, duis, jail, bail bondsmens, probation officers, lawyers, attempt suicides, police at my house, embarrassment, lying to cover up for him..... All the drama thats not fit for daytime tv unless of course you're on Jerry Springer and that's how I felt. Now I have worked so hard to give my kids a normal life, I just dont think its worth the risk. Sure we had good times, but only 22 months out of 7 years. My son only had 1 Christmas with a sober dad, I just can't justify taking him back ever, yet I still wonder. I know I'm obsessing over this and I am sick over it. I really need help, I need your prays that I can learn to live just one day at time. He is sober and out of my house and this is still controlling me, why am I letting it. I think because I want my little girls & son to have their dad living with thme, but if he's drunk it's not worth it & I jsut can't guarantee thta he wont go back to it. I guess the 90 in 90 is the way to go, I just wish he owould do it on his own.

equus

I could be miles off the mark here but I see it like this. In both your heads believing in him means going back and being with him - that's the first thing I'd seperate, because i THINK it's tearing you in two.

The easiest way I can explain what I mean is to say what I'd say - BUT I'm not suggesting you should say the same thing, it's just a way of explaining what I mean about seperating two issues. Something along these lines.....

"I love the changes your making, our children need a sober father and what you're doing will be the best thing to make that happen. We share a bond through the children that drinking destroys, it takes that away from you, them and me I think you know you're doing what you need to do.

I don't want it to be about our relationship, because right now what matters most to me is you being able to recover and be that sober Dad to the kids. We can't deal with it all at once and I'm not ready to make big decisions yet - perhaps I won't ever be ready but I'm scared that can get in the way of what you need to do to be a father.

Me not being ready to make the big choices yet doesn't mean I don't think you can do it. Two different things are getting put together that shouldn't be, you know the father you were sober and I want that back for our children and not confused with whether or not we ever regain that.

For now I want to leave us talking about big decisions and give you chance to do what you have to and me chance to KEEP seeing the changes, and give our kids chance to get to know their Dad again."

Please remember I'm not saying you should say the same things but it was all I could think of to describe what I mean about seperating the positive thoughts you have about his efforts from the feeling that it's too soon to make big decisions and take big risks - they DON'T have to go together, you're allowed to feel both and they don't conflict unless you make a rule they HAVE to go together.

kmagk

Thank you I appreciate that and understand what you are saying I agree in my heart it's just that I have moved on im my life and I guess I shouldn't have, being that we are still married. It feels so unfair to all parties involved for me to continue moving along without making big decisions; I feel insane, my boyfriend is attached to me & my children and wants to take care of us, my AH wants us back. I just feel it is unfair to keep living this insanity. I feel like 2 weeks ago, when my AH was drunk I was ready to hand the divorce papers over, hell, I wished he was out of our lives all together and now after a few sober days and a nice conversation Im ready to give him another chance. How many times have I been through this before, more than I can count. I just wish I knew what the future held and noone does. That's why I need to learn to live one day at a time.

splendra

(((k))))

I am signing the actions speak louder than words note. Your actions led you to become involved with someone else to the point that this person would be hurt if you break it off with him.

Now your H is sober and wants to come back. You must look at the drama you have created. Why did you start a new relationship? Did you start it because you felt you were done with your H? Now because he is sober you feel like maybe giving him one more chance...if you can see yourself clear of hurting someone else.

I think when we separate from a long term relationship we do ourselves a disservice when we jump right into another relationship. I question your motives for starting a new relationship because of your confusion. If you had started this new relationship with a clear head you would not have any conflict over your H's new found sobriety and wanting to come home. Does your H know about this new relationship? It sounds like a game to me....I like what equus said too....

Ayers1995

EQuus.... gonna use that on my AH! Love it.


K,
Have you tried making any little steps to see how you and AH get along? Have you gone to lunch, or anything like that to see if you have a spark for him...or if it's just pitty and guilt?

I know that you took time before getting into this new relationship, and that at the time your AH was still drunk. I think you are feeling bad because he's sober again and you are really ready to move on.... to file for divorce.... and possibley have peace in your life. I like Equus advice....I would definately start off with little bitty steps though....lunch...see if it sparks anything. That's what I am trying to do with my AH.

I hope that peace comes to you soon. I think it is very selfish of AH to wait 2 years to get himself together and ask you to go through all of your heartaches again. Just think of what you went through when it didn't work out before...having to move out, start over and the emotional pain. Ask yourself if you are WILLING to go through all of that again.

kmagk

To answer Splendras questions; this is not a game at all, this is my life. I got involved in this new relationship so quickly because for an entire a year including during my last pregnancy, my husband was drunk and putting us through a living hell. Including being in jail while I was in labor with our child, even though he was out on parole and all he had to do was not drink and he would have been there during our babys birth. But he drank and violated parole and was therefore incarcerated. To be perfectly honest Splendra, I know I should not have gotten involved with someone else, however my AH and I were legally seperated and I truly thought he would either be dead, drunk or in jail. It felt so nice; to laugh, to live, to think about myself, to want to look good, to feel loved. My boyfriend sent me a txt msg that said, " I adore you" in my 28 years I had never heard that, even during my AH's dry time, I had never felt so desired. I am 28 5'6 and 145, by no means skinny, but certainly not fat, MY AH threw a scale twds me 4 weeks after my baby was born and said. "why are you so fat, and dont blame it on the baby, b/c your saister in law had a baby and you would never know it" Thats just one example. NO, this really isn't a game, I wish I wanted nothing to do with my AH, but he is a good person when he is sober, I believe he is remorseful and when I look at my children all I want is their heppiness, granted they are very happy with my bf, its just that I don't want them to come from a borken home, of course I don't want them in an alcoholic home either....
Oh and Splendra, Yes my AH knows about my bf and he understands, he is hurt but he uinderstands and he even was seeing someone at one point. Like I said this is straight off Jerry.
And Ayers I haven't been around my AH during his latest sobriety, I was the last time b4 he entered rehab and I felt so distant, even now when I talk to my AH I feel angry and so cold, I try to be nice, but I feel so hurt. Ayers, you really got me thinking w/
"Ask yourself if you are WILLING to go through all of that again."
good point- No, I am not willing to gothrough that again, nor am I willing to put my children through that again, guess that sums it up huh, just wish I felt that it could be that simple.

splendra

I think it can be if you let it.<!-- / message -->

milla

I think you just answered your own question... and that incident with the scale speaks volumes. You deserve better. Sounds like you know that and are well on your way to a better place. Lots of luck and hugs to you and your family.

mila

kmagk

Funny thing Splendra, when I wrote I wish it could be that simple, I thought the same thing you said. It can be, I can make it, I'm just too worried about hurting my AH although he didn't give a rats ass about us for the last 2 years. Why would I be so worried about him, I guess because I know he didn't want to be like that and I know he was sick, but at the same time he could have gotten help, he didn't have to put us through all the pain and misery that he did.

splendra

You know something if you choose not to go back and he relapses and tries to blame you not letting him come back....you could be sure he would have relapsed no matter what you choose...

Know that no matter what you decide he is going to do what he will do and if he relapses it will be because of what he chooses to do. You are right he could have stayed sober but, he choose not to. Don't let guilt decide for you...

My H tries to pin his bad choices on anyone else but, himself unless something really fantastic happens then he wants to take all the credit...I for one refuse to take the blame. What about you? Be strong !!!

denny57

A man at my meeting yesterday says he finally realized that it was ok to care about his AW, but he did not have to take care of her. That helped me a lot.

kmagk

Thanks Denny, that certainly helps. I guess I keep thinking it would be different if he was drunk. If he was drunk I would feel comfortable with my decision. The thing is with alcoholism there are no guarantees and I pray to God that he doesn't relapse. I want the best for him and I would love for things to be different for us but I feel too scared to take that risk. I suppose Splendra is right, I need to be strong. I certainly aknowledge my wrongs in getting involved in another relationship and now more than ever I realize my errors. Believe me I always believed that even if my AH and I divorced I wouuld stay single because I thought my children deserved that. I just never knew how nice it felt to be loved, I was too busy loving and taking care of others. I felt like I had to keep everything under control and finally I realized I had no control and I was in such pain, I truly envied my AH's hospital stays. I wanted nothing more than to be locked in a small, dark room with a tv or a book and to be alone. Then someone made me laugh and told me I deserved better and gave me better. I am sorry for causing my share of the chaos.