He's doing it again
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Originally Posted by megamysterioso
He's already told you:
Please believe what he said right there! He will not change for you! He will continue to be who he is and do what he does.
Well put Sunshine! That whole, "if the shoe were on the foot scenerio" does not fly with me. My AH has tried to use this one on me before- "if you did that, I wouldn't be mad, blah, blah". Welp- like I told him, "you don't know what you would be since YOU will NEVER be put in that position b/c I would never do that to you." It's a ridiculous form of manipulation.
Please believe what he said right there! He will not change for you! He will continue to be who he is and do what he does.
Well put Sunshine! That whole, "if the shoe were on the foot scenerio" does not fly with me. My AH has tried to use this one on me before- "if you did that, I wouldn't be mad, blah, blah". Welp- like I told him, "you don't know what you would be since YOU will NEVER be put in that position b/c I would never do that to you." It's a ridiculous form of manipulation.
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you can't make him see anything. you can't control him, if you could, he would have stopped. but you can't, I can't, none of us can. It sucks, I know it does. But you have to accept this. You aren't weak. Quit talking to yourself like that. You're setting yourself up for failure. You said you're too weak to not take him back, etc. Set your expectations higher. Tell yourself you won't be treated this way. Get angry at yourself for putting up with this.
Take control of your own life. Steer your own ship. This is your life too you know.
When you go back, it's because you want the quick fix from the pain. It's like your own high. "oh I have him back, now the pain will stop." But it's only temporary. It stops until you realize he hasn't changed a bit. It will continue because it gets harder and harder to stick your head in the sand. This is who he is, it isn't a reflection on you. You take him back because of your own problem, not because of his willingness to change. When you get that panicky feeling and think you have to take him back to get it to stop,remind yourself that this is your own sickness and only you can cure it.
Take control of your own life. Steer your own ship. This is your life too you know.
When you go back, it's because you want the quick fix from the pain. It's like your own high. "oh I have him back, now the pain will stop." But it's only temporary. It stops until you realize he hasn't changed a bit. It will continue because it gets harder and harder to stick your head in the sand. This is who he is, it isn't a reflection on you. You take him back because of your own problem, not because of his willingness to change. When you get that panicky feeling and think you have to take him back to get it to stop,remind yourself that this is your own sickness and only you can cure it.
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Do you miss your ex Sunshine? Obviosly you don't miss the bad parts, but there where good times too I'm guessing....I'm so scared of missing the good times and not having that anymore..I thought he was "the one" but my heads so mssed up now
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Good advice from Sunshine yet again. I think it would be healthy for you to get angry about this and really question your thinking on this one. I've put myself through the ringer plenty of times and actually feel like I'm emotionally making progress.
You haven't truly listened to him b/c you still believe that something in him will "suddenly snap." IT WON'T HAPPEN. You don't want to hear the truth b/c it hurts YOU. Don't his actions hurt you a lot more though? Wouldn't you be much better off and healthier if you believed the truth he's telling you instead of living in a fantasy world of maybes? PLEASE KNOW THAT ALL OF THAT SOUNDED MORE HARSH THAT I INTENDED. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I want you to feel GOOD and confident about this smart decision that you've made.
You haven't truly listened to him b/c you still believe that something in him will "suddenly snap." IT WON'T HAPPEN. You don't want to hear the truth b/c it hurts YOU. Don't his actions hurt you a lot more though? Wouldn't you be much better off and healthier if you believed the truth he's telling you instead of living in a fantasy world of maybes? PLEASE KNOW THAT ALL OF THAT SOUNDED MORE HARSH THAT I INTENDED. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I want you to feel GOOD and confident about this smart decision that you've made.
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Oh- and when those guilt feelings arise when he says stuff about, "this will happen to me again and again in the future," think about it...
It WILL happen so long as HE chooses to live his life this way and treat his relationships with such blatent disregard. It is NOT your fault!
It WILL happen so long as HE chooses to live his life this way and treat his relationships with such blatent disregard. It is NOT your fault!
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Do I miss him? Yes, I catch myself doing that thing. Where I minimize stuff, where I deny stuff, where I lie to myself and think, "was it that bad, maybe if I would have learned how to detach, how to seperate my stuff from his, we could be together...." I think of how funny he is, how affectionate he is, how wonderful he could make me feel. But then, I know what I'm doing. I'm taking the good that existed out of so much sickness. So he was funny and could make me laugh....lots of people can do this. So he was warm and touchy feely, lots of people are this way....and so he made me feel good sometimes, BIG DEAL. He is also a liar, so how do I know what's real or what was fake? How do I know that any of our relationship was true? I don't.
He could also lie to my face over and over. He could also blame me for so much of his stuff, watch me fall to pieces and scramble to make him feel better and be okay with all of this. He could also stay out all night, cheating and drinking and somehow tell me it was something I did. He could say some of the most terrible things and have a way of making his apologies backwards. I'd sit and accept his apologie and think, "he's so wonderful, we'll get this right..." SICK SICK SICK.
So do I miss him? yeah, on my sick days.
He could also lie to my face over and over. He could also blame me for so much of his stuff, watch me fall to pieces and scramble to make him feel better and be okay with all of this. He could also stay out all night, cheating and drinking and somehow tell me it was something I did. He could say some of the most terrible things and have a way of making his apologies backwards. I'd sit and accept his apologie and think, "he's so wonderful, we'll get this right..." SICK SICK SICK.
So do I miss him? yeah, on my sick days.
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I used to get angry all the time, but it didn't get me anywhere, now I just get sad and dissapointed. I haven't got the strength to be angry anymore, guess I expect it and am getting used to feeling this way.
Although, on a more positive note I'm looking forward to having the house to myself and not have evrything revolving around him and his drinking and his naps and making sure he wakes up before the shop closes and not walking on eggshells incase I say something to pee him off, and of playing my music without stupid comments from him regarding my tastes, and watching what I want on TV without him deep sighing *sigh*.....:-)
Although, on a more positive note I'm looking forward to having the house to myself and not have evrything revolving around him and his drinking and his naps and making sure he wakes up before the shop closes and not walking on eggshells incase I say something to pee him off, and of playing my music without stupid comments from him regarding my tastes, and watching what I want on TV without him deep sighing *sigh*.....:-)
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Originally Posted by sunshine003
Do I miss him? Yes, I catch myself doing that thing. Where I minimize stuff, where I deny stuff, where I lie to myself and think, "was it that bad, maybe if I would have learned how to detach, how to seperate my stuff from his, we could be together...." I think of how funny he is, how affectionate he is, how wonderful he could make me feel. But then, I know what I'm doing. I'm taking the good that existed out of so much sickness. So he was funny and could make me laugh....lots of people can do this. So he was warm and touchy feely, lots of people are this way....and so he made me feel good sometimes, BIG DEAL. He is also a liar, so how do I know what's real or what was fake? How do I know that any of our relationship was true? I don't.
He could also lie to my face over and over. He could also blame me for so much of his stuff, watch me fall to pieces and scramble to make him feel better and be okay with all of this. He could also stay out all night, cheating and drinking and somehow tell me it was something I did. He could say some of the most terrible things and have a way of making his apologies backwards. I'd sit and accept his apologie and think, "he's so wonderful, we'll get this right..." SICK SICK SICK.
So do I miss him? yeah, on my sick days.
He could also lie to my face over and over. He could also blame me for so much of his stuff, watch me fall to pieces and scramble to make him feel better and be okay with all of this. He could also stay out all night, cheating and drinking and somehow tell me it was something I did. He could say some of the most terrible things and have a way of making his apologies backwards. I'd sit and accept his apologie and think, "he's so wonderful, we'll get this right..." SICK SICK SICK.
So do I miss him? yeah, on my sick days.
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LOL missus, you sure do!!! But if he weren't up in your space all the time, if you weren't so focused on who he is talking to on the computer, what his e mails say, etc....you wouldn't have a sick day each day. You'd have some space to think for yourself. Right now, what you're doing is sitting there waiting to gather enough evidence (which just talking to another girl online is enough in my book) to show him, "see, see what youre doing." but to him, you'll never have enough to prove your case. You're consumed by how little you trust him. You're hanging onto whatever thread he throws your way. If you had some space to sort through you, to sort through your thought process of what keeps you putting up with t his, your sick days wouldn't be as great. You'd still have them.
ugh, I know how you're feeling. I feel that sick feeling for you. missus, this guy is immature, he is lacking moral fiber, he is less than average.....there are many fish in the sea someday, you'll find someone who will love you and you'll understand the difference.
ugh, I know how you're feeling. I feel that sick feeling for you. missus, this guy is immature, he is lacking moral fiber, he is less than average.....there are many fish in the sea someday, you'll find someone who will love you and you'll understand the difference.
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I am totally consumed with it, so much so that sometimes when I don't find any evidense I'm dissapointed...wtf?! I actually think my sanity has left me, and looking in on myself I'd think I was mad too, but living it is a different thing. I'm learning the enabling thing, the detatchment thing...just haven't got it down to a tee yet, lol
I'm better than I was in that I can detatch and ignore him more, but the trust thing is a killer and no matter how many times he says he's being good, that I have to trust him, I never quite believe him....I don't think I ever will...insecurity is eating me up, I don't like me anymore, so it's hardly surprising he goes looking for female company, I'm just a misery
I'm better than I was in that I can detatch and ignore him more, but the trust thing is a killer and no matter how many times he says he's being good, that I have to trust him, I never quite believe him....I don't think I ever will...insecurity is eating me up, I don't like me anymore, so it's hardly surprising he goes looking for female company, I'm just a misery
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Well yeah, you did. But that's ookay, I would say the same stuff. But you know what you're doing here? You're saying you're miserable and letting that be a reason that it's okay he's looking. NO IT ISN"T. You started questioning yourself LONG ago when this started. it wasn't right then. this has nothing to do with you. it has become you but it has nothing to do with you. You could be perfect, you could improve on lots of stuff and he'd still be the same. it wouldn't make a difference....he doesn't see this as a problem. I suppose he should be able to talk to anyone and say all kinds of gross stuff and it isn't "real" becaus e it's online. That is stupid.
Also, trust him? he must think like my AH. You should just hand him trust because he said so. Guess what? trust is earned adn right now, he's earned your distrust. earning it back doesn't come from him saying "just trust me". you should be able to check his e mail, look at what he'd doing on line, etc. he should be happy to let you. he should be doing whatever it takes to make you feel better. he would do that if he were serious. but he isn't.
so, missus, is this enough for you?
also, of course you're consumed and disappointed when you don't find anything. you're disappointed because first of all, you are addicted to the drama at this point whether you see that or not. also, just because you don't find it doesn't mean he isn't doing it and you KNOW that as well. so it's disappointing when you can't prove what you know.
see how sick this cycle is? now, you throw some alcohol in and look at the bigger mess. but alcohol isn't the reason he does this either.
next, detaching doesn't mean ignoring or putting up with or keeping your mouth closed. It means you can't fix him, you can only fix you. so you move past his problems and focus on your life. you do NOT have this down.
Also, trust him? he must think like my AH. You should just hand him trust because he said so. Guess what? trust is earned adn right now, he's earned your distrust. earning it back doesn't come from him saying "just trust me". you should be able to check his e mail, look at what he'd doing on line, etc. he should be happy to let you. he should be doing whatever it takes to make you feel better. he would do that if he were serious. but he isn't.
so, missus, is this enough for you?
also, of course you're consumed and disappointed when you don't find anything. you're disappointed because first of all, you are addicted to the drama at this point whether you see that or not. also, just because you don't find it doesn't mean he isn't doing it and you KNOW that as well. so it's disappointing when you can't prove what you know.
see how sick this cycle is? now, you throw some alcohol in and look at the bigger mess. but alcohol isn't the reason he does this either.
next, detaching doesn't mean ignoring or putting up with or keeping your mouth closed. It means you can't fix him, you can only fix you. so you move past his problems and focus on your life. you do NOT have this down.
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Hey it's good to be very honest with yourself. My AH is simply an addict- alcohol and drugs. We have not had any infidelity issues. However, trust in our relationship has been broken time and time again with him using behind my back and promising to "never do it again." I have found through all of this that no trust= no respect= no love. If you don't have trust (and you shouldn't b/c he's shown you that he CANNOT be trusted), you don't have a relationship worth much of anything. It takes years for someone to "earn back trust." Your man is not willing to make any kind of effort to do so. Please don't waste another minute and do what Sunshine said- take a step back and give yourself time ALONE to process all of this.
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I need to borrow some of everyones strength....how do you get the balls to say enough is enough...Ok I've said it now and in my head I've definately had enough, but then my the stupid codie part of my head says "you'll miss him too much" "you get on too well to let it go without trying" "he's not well, if he had cancer you wouldn't leave him" "maybe the online thing isn't SO bad, he's just having a laugh" "lighten up will ya" etc, etc, etc...
I also think about playing him at his own game, just so he can see how much it hurts, I've said that to him too, but he said the difference will be that I'll be doing it on purpose to hurt him and he doesn't do it on purpose it's just part of his personality to be flirty and like attention.
I want him to go, I know that much, but I know I'll probably want him back, it kills me to admit it but theres no point in lying to myself, he does enough of that for the both of us.
I also think about playing him at his own game, just so he can see how much it hurts, I've said that to him too, but he said the difference will be that I'll be doing it on purpose to hurt him and he doesn't do it on purpose it's just part of his personality to be flirty and like attention.
I want him to go, I know that much, but I know I'll probably want him back, it kills me to admit it but theres no point in lying to myself, he does enough of that for the both of us.
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the part of you that says all that stuff is the part that is in denial. it's the part that isn't real and it's the part that keeps you exactly where you are. Look, you can always "get him back". Don't you know that?
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Oh, hon. I have to dash out in a minute, but I just wanted to say that I'm listening.
Can you hear him shouting by his actions that this is who he is and he is never going to change? Can you accept him for who he is RIGHT NOW? Because that is the only way that you are ever going to find peace if you stay with him.
Believe me, and I think there'll be a few others who back me up on this, the pain of splitting up may last a while, but the pain of staying in this situation could last YEARS. Which would you rather have?
Have you been to Al-anon yet? Or seen the doc for a referral to a counsellor? For your own sake, please do something because your thinking is coming across as just as twisted as his.
Miss him? Write a list - what you'll miss and what you won't.
Go without trying? What on earth have you been doing all this time if it wasn;t trying? I reckon you gave it a hell of a shot.
He's not well? That much is obvious. I'm not sure I could live with a cancer sufferer who displayed behaviour like that and wasn't getting help for it. Besides, alcohol gets a lot of bad press when it comes to $hitty behaviour. I don't act like that when I have a drink and there are some alcoholics here who don't either.
Having a laugh on-line? I am speechless by that comment. Where on earth is your boundary of what is acceptable in a relationship? Talking to random women about anal sex is way over any line, imho.
"I know I will probably want him back" - well, with that attitude, you probably will. A bit like saying "I'll try" - it sets you up for failure.
Please find some face to face support - the trees are definitely obscuring the wood at the moment.
Can you hear him shouting by his actions that this is who he is and he is never going to change? Can you accept him for who he is RIGHT NOW? Because that is the only way that you are ever going to find peace if you stay with him.
Believe me, and I think there'll be a few others who back me up on this, the pain of splitting up may last a while, but the pain of staying in this situation could last YEARS. Which would you rather have?
Have you been to Al-anon yet? Or seen the doc for a referral to a counsellor? For your own sake, please do something because your thinking is coming across as just as twisted as his.
Miss him? Write a list - what you'll miss and what you won't.
Go without trying? What on earth have you been doing all this time if it wasn;t trying? I reckon you gave it a hell of a shot.
He's not well? That much is obvious. I'm not sure I could live with a cancer sufferer who displayed behaviour like that and wasn't getting help for it. Besides, alcohol gets a lot of bad press when it comes to $hitty behaviour. I don't act like that when I have a drink and there are some alcoholics here who don't either.
Having a laugh on-line? I am speechless by that comment. Where on earth is your boundary of what is acceptable in a relationship? Talking to random women about anal sex is way over any line, imho.
"I know I will probably want him back" - well, with that attitude, you probably will. A bit like saying "I'll try" - it sets you up for failure.
Please find some face to face support - the trees are definitely obscuring the wood at the moment.
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Originally Posted by TheMissus
I want him to go, I know that much, but I know I'll probably want him back, it kills me to admit it but theres no point in lying to myself, he does enough of that for the both of us.
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