lisab10977

my husband and i have been married for 2 1/2 years and have been together for 5 1/2 years. He has drank since I have known him and drinks about a 12 pack after work every night and more on the weekends. We have a wonderful relationship other than the weekend outings with friends. He tends to drink to much and gets angry over little things that I do or don't do. Last night we went out on one of these weekend outings and we were talking about a friend that we were with and I made a comment about the friend and he assumed that the comment was directed toward him and he stomped off. things just got worse from there. We've pretty much alienated any friends we have from his actions while we were out with them. i am just at a loss of what to do. I'm to the point where I love him with all my heart I just don't like him much anymore. I'm tired of the mean and hateful remarks. I'm tired of the disrespect. I've turned into a mean and disrespectful person. i try to ignore his comments but it just builds up so much that i just say anything and everything I know he wants me to say just to **** him off. I don't want to be this kind of person and I am ashamed of how I am. I told him just a few minutes ago that I wanted to go stay at my moms (who just left out of town for a couple of days) just to get away for a few. he said it was fine but it would be over if i left. i feel like i'm being controlled. i'm almost at the point where i want it to be over. I have a 6year old son whom my husband adopted a year and a half ago. He has been in my son's life since he was 1 and is the only father he has ever known. I know it isn't right and won't be any benefit to our son for us to stay but I can't force myself to leave just cause everything is great any other time. Things are even good when he drinks at night. it's just about 1 or twice a month(some times more) when things like these happen. he gets so drunk that he doesn't care what he says and in the morning its ' i;m sorry for all the things i said'. Like that is supposed to just make everything better. I used to love going out and having a beer but now i absolutely would rather stay home and just lounge around. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and i just needed to sit and type. I have been lurking around here for quite some time but just haven't had the courage to post anything. It's really nice to know that I am not the only one who is going through something like this. It's not nice that we go through it..... well hopefully you all know what I mean. LOL Thank you again for letting me vent

tiggerg65

welcome lisa you have have to thr right place to get help . i am also new here so i cant offer much advise. but others here can. i can tell you it is not easy living with an Alcoholic. keep posting and GOD BLESS linda

Numb

I am new to this to, so I can't offer any good advice. But welcome, there are some great caring people here. I wish you the best.

BLackshirt

Hi Lisa:

You are being controlled/manipulated, that is how the alcoholic mind works. I am sorry for and grieve for what you are going through. I know all to well what you are going through, because for many years I put my wife through this type of turmoil. I am the alcoholic in the family, who finally woke up and smelled the coffee.

You have to do what is best for you and your son. It will be hard especially if your husband doesn't want to change. You mentioned that things are usually good except for once or twice a month when there are bad times. I can only tell you that alcoholism is a progressive disease and without treatment it will only continue to escalate in frequency.

I don't tell you those things to make you feel that it is hopeless, but just to let you know what I have learned over the years of fighting this myself.

I will keep you in my prayers. Stick around here, there a lot of good people that can offer you their experience, strength and hope.

Scott

rivercitybelle

Welcome Lisa,
Guess what? You don't have to be that person!
Nothing changes if nothing changes... you can't change him, but you can change you!
You can read all you can on alcoholism, books - "Co-Dependant No more" & "Getting them Sober". You can go to Al-anon. You can post and vent here!
You are NOT alone! There are folks who understand.
Pull up a keyboard and get comfy! SR is open 24/7

Tally

God, I can relate to this post so much!

Blackshirt is quite right, you are being manipulated. A's think they're very clever at this, and alot of time they are untill you learn to see through the haze of BS they live in.
My ABF says the most hurtful things to me when he is drunk and angry, it used to really get to me, but since learning about enabling and detatchement it bothers me alot less.
Look up posts on enabling and detatchemnt, I believe they'll be really helpful to you.

One way I did it was to read the ways in which we enable and write down everything I did I though could be my ways of enabling, then gradually stop doing them.

You also need to try and convince yourself that whatever BS he's going through, what ever mean and nasty things he says, you just have to ignore because it's not your fault and it doesn't matter how much you try and make him see, it won't work because his rationalization, logic and common sense is swamped by alcohol.
When my ABF goes off on one, I switch off. Don't argue back, don't let him get a rise out of me, alot of the time I completely ignore him or go to bed and leave the situation. When they start, they're normally looking for attention, don't give it to him!
I tell myself in my head whilst he's ranting "he's drunk he doesn't mean it" "you can say what you like you're NOT going to wind me up" etc etc...
Obviously sometimes I can't switch off and I go mental, but thinking about it, what does it achieve? Nothing, because he won't remember a single word you've said the next day!

I'd also put a stop to goin out with him at weekends, if this is the result, whats the point?
I used to have a drink with my ABF every weekend, 9/10 times it'd end in a fight because his mood would change over something as silly as me asking him to turn the music down a little bit..
After one night where he went mad, I told him the next day I would no longer be having a drink with him at the weekends, and I haven't since. It's not worth the emotional heartache to let urself be embroiled in his mad haze, he's trying to drag you into it with him.

Try and start making a life for yourself instead of everything revolving around him...go out with your friends at weekends without him...
Make some boundries and make it clear to him that you have them.

Ooo sorry to rant on, just sooo know where you're coming from!!

Good luck! xxx

Pick-a-name

UghH............yes,it is. Mine got so he got angry every time he drank...every night after work. Now he gets angry even when he is not drinking......like a coiled spring ready to let loose at any time.......must be the progression.

We are not living with him right now, but even visits,phone calls, dinners,etc are lots of times too much for him to "keep it all together".......maybe he does around other people, but something tells me he won't for much longer if he is.

Remember..nothing you do,don't do, say or don't say is the "cause" for his behavior. (Thank Heaven, or everwhere we go all of us would be surrounded by this kind of behavior 24/7...)

bonbon

Hi Lisa, welcome here! You have found a great place. Please stick around. You have already been given wonderful pointers. For now, keep reading, keep educating yourself about this disease. I know exactly where your coming from. I finally let go of my A a few years back, and he died this past October, out using, drinking and mixing with the wrong crowd. I learned there was nothing I could do for him. I learned that all I could do, was take care of me and our daughter. This place helped me acheive that.

Your not alone at ALL!

Welcome, keep comin back!

lisab10977

Thank you so much for all the words of encouragement. It's nice to know their are people out there who know what I am going through. Husband said yesterday after things calmed down that he doesn't want to go out to bars anymore. He knows what he is doing and accepts responsibility. We were supposed to go out for St Patty's Day but he told me that he wasn't going to go. He said he didn't care if I went out with our friends and I know he won't. He's not a controlling, obsessive or jealous husband ... he's just a a-hole when he drinks. I go out with the girls on Thursday nights and do just about anything I want ... as does he. We have a very open, understanding, trusting relationship. I just don't know why he acts the way he does when he drinks. Thank you all for you thoughts and prayers. My thoughts and prayers go out to all.

pmaslan

Hi Lisa....I just wanted to stop by and Welcome you to SR.
You will find so much support here as most of us have been
or are where you are now.....It is an awful disease, I am sorry
your husbands drinking is affecting your life.
Al-Anon is a good outside support system for you.
I hope that you will consider it.
Keep coming back looking forward to getting to know you.