davepol

Hi all!

I'm new here ... I'm hoping that someone might be able to shed some light on my predicament? I really don't want to go on and on describing all the gory details, so I'll attempt to sum it up as briefly and as consisely as possible:

I am the a recent act-out partner of a recovering alcohol/drug/sex addict. We've been involved in a particularly intense rollercoaster of a relationship for the past year-and-a-half. At the beginning, she pursued me like a madwoman, seduced me, then seemingly lost interest once she "got" me. I'd go away, then she'd always reel me back in.

She recently went into a treatment center for help with her multiple addictions. Shortly after entering treatment, she stopped calling, and wouldn't permit me to visit her. I respected her feelings, and sent cards and letters instead.

After completing her 28-day stay, she never called: not to tell me she was home, to wish me a Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, or anything! I understand that a newly-recovered addict isn't supposed to pursue relationships while in the early stages of their recovery -- else they'll slip right back into their old routine -- so I backed off and gave her space.

Anyway, when I finally bit the bullet and contacted her, she more-or-less told me that she was sober, happy, and attempting a reconciliation with her ex-husband (for their daughter's sake ... I don't know if this is relevant, but he has a drug problem, and they've been mired in teach other's addictions ... and have had an off-again, on-again relationship ever since they divorced four years ago). That pretty much ended the romantic portion of the relationship, although she left the door open for our friendship to continue (for example: she tells me that she misses me, thinks of me often, and for me to call her sometime, so we can do lunch). Needless to say, this pretty much blew me out of the water, and left me devastated! However, looking back at it, it's not like I shouldn't have seen it coming!

I'm happy she's in recovery -- I really am -- and I do respect her wishes to end our romance. But I do care about her, and miss her very much! In addition to the romantic and sexual elements of the relationship, we really did have a wonderful friendship. Unfortunately, at times, I feel tempted to play the "friend" card as a way of weaseling my way back into her life. I just can't seem to shake the resentment of her just blowing me off like she did ... never mind all the promises she made to me, money I "lent" to her, etc.! I feel used up, like an empty Coke that's been tossed in the trash after the liquid's been consumed! However, I don't consider myself to be a victim ... because I am an adult, and realize the role I played in this drama.

I want to move forward with my life, and not just accept a reduced role in her life in the name of her recovery. I'm learning that I count, too. I need to learn how to make healthier relationship choices!

Since then, I've been attending 3-4 Al-Anon or CoDA meetings per week; and working the steps with my sponsor seems to help. But I can't escape my feelings for her! The words "If you love someone, set them free ... " ring true, but unfortunately, they're not making me feel any better right now! In group, everyone tells me that "one day, I'll thank her for what she did to me." Probably so ... but today it hurts like hell!

I feel stupid for the way I feel, and for bothering all you good people with my sob story, but I really would appreciate some honest feedback.

Thanks,
Dave

Morning Glory

Hi Dave.

Welcome to the forum. It sounds to me like everything you are feeling is perfectly normal for what you have just been through. The trick is to feel the pain and move on with your life.

I don't think anything you are feeling is stupid.

Hang around with us for awhile.

Hugs,
MG

margo

Hi Dave, and welcome. Ditto to what MG said. It sounds like you are doing the right things and I hope that you continue to take care of you.

Love and hugs.

matters

Welcome aboard Dave!!

Coming here will give you strength! You are doing what is right for your recovery. I am so sorry that you are hurting, and in time it will get easier. Letting us know how you feel and why is NEVER stupid!! You don't ever have to feel that way again.

Keep coming back, we are all here together to support eachother!

Take care,
matters

Ann

Dave

I just want to welcome you too and say that I am sorry you are hurting right now. I can't offer much advice because you already seem to be doing good things for yourself and your recovery from this relationship.

Most of us here have feelings that sometimes don't make sense, and we find that by sharing them we can work though them. And none of these feelings are stupid, so don't feel alone.

Please feel free to share here as often as you like.

davepol

I just wanted to thank those of you who responded with the kind words of encouragement and support (thanks for the feedback!), as well as to those who just read my post (thanks for listening!).

Intellectually, I know that staying the course and trying to take better care of myself is the way to go ... but emotionally, now that's another story. I want my fix!

Beginnings are scary, and endings are sad; it's the stuff that happens in between that makes it all worthwhile (from Hope Floats). Thanks to you guys for helping to make my ending with my A. not less sad, but a little less so!

Dave

rebel

Hi Dave,

Welcome and just want to tell you that you are not alone..Your story is almost EXACTLY the same as mine. I know the pain you are feeling and how hard it is to get thru yet another day.

I'm sure you were in this releationship for all the right reasons and thought she was too. It sucks to feel like you have been so betrayed by someone that was not only your lover but your best friend. I share those feelings of betrayal and resentment with you.

You sound like you are doing all of the right things to get thru this. As we all know, there is no easy way and we have to weather it. I hate that part, but I don't know any other way to get around it. I am glad you going to Al Anon, I have benefitted from alot they have to offer, different things to do for coping and such, I hope you have too.

I don't really have any magic words, I just wanted you to know that I understand just how and what you are feeling. Keep coming here and reading and sharing, it helps alot

rebel

davepol

You know guys, I want so badly to call her ... even though I know this will do nothing but give me that little fix I so desperately crave -- HER! Looking back now, it seems as though my relationship with her was just one long series of fixes!

This seems to be a common pattern in my relationships, dating back as far as high school. I don't go out with fine, upstanding women -- ones who actually have something to give back to me -- but rather, I tend to gravitate towards the "bad girls!" I really need to learn how to start picking winners! You can put lipstick and a dress on a pig, but the bottom line is that it might look pretty, but it's still a pig!

A good friend of mine told me that it's not possible for a person to give another something that they simply don't possess. I'm just going to sit back and think about that one for a while ... I think something lies therein? Also, I watched the movie "Signs" the other night, and I've been thinking about the underlying story as it applies to my life. Is there a reason for our pain and suffering, or is life a series of random events (cause and effect) unfolding without any real meaning other than whatever meaning we assign to it? Like Mel Gibson's character, I'm trying to find my faith after I lost it. I think that's where Steps 1-3 come in? I'm working the program as best I can, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere fast? I know, progress, not perfection!

I say to myself: "What would it hurt to call, just to see how she's doing? I mean, we're friends, right?" This is probably how the alcoholic feels as they attempt to rationalize their ability to have just that one drink? I pick up my cell phone, punch in her number, but don't hit <send>. I've thought about calling her cell phone while she's at work so I can leave her a message on her vox mail, just to make a connection ... letting her know I'm still here; still thinking about her. I know this is not the thing to do. I need to respect her silence in recovery, as well as her decision to reconcile with her drug addict ex-husband ("He's changed ... he really has!" she told me. Yeah, right!), and as such move on with my life! Sometimes I think, "If only I had done this instead of that, then things would have turned out differently ... ," and then start beating myself up for all the "woulda-coulda-shouldas" I can think of.

I've been told (in a CoDA meeting) that the only way to end a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person is cold turkey -- no "just friends," no calls "just to see how they're doing," nothing. Bite the bullet, suck it up, feel the pain, and struggle through it -- one day at a time. Again, intellectually this all makes sense, but the actual application has been difficult! I've always been much better at solving other people's problems than my own ... but, that's the nature of our sickness, right?

I would imagine that all these things are fairly typical of a co-addict's thought process ... but is there a way to turn it off?

I suppose it's easy to get caught up in all of the feelings and emotions when you're down in the trenches engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the enemy, with bullets whizzing by your head? I'm trying to take a big-picture view of this: how does this particular tactical situation (my struggle with the end of this relationship) relate to the overall strategic plan that is the war (my life)? If I can come to see this, perhaps the pain will lessen, and I will start putting this behind me, and begin to move forward. As it stands, I feel like I'm in a rut!

I work, I go on dates, I try new things, I try to stay busy ... but my thoughts always turn to her. I sit here and imagine a conversation between us, with her saying to me: "Dave, just get over me ... I'm no prize package!" Maybe so, but I still love her! Doesn't that count for anything?

If I start treating myself with love and respect, maybe the rest of the world will start treating me with love and respect? Let it begin with me, right?

Thanks for letting me share ...
Dave

Morning Glory

Hi Dave,

I understand everything you're saying and have felt everything you're feeling. I found that I was replaying an old pattern in my life. I picked the kind of person that fit that pattern and then tried to get what I needed from them. That pattern never gave me what I needed as a child and could never give me what I needed as an adult. I had to grieve the loss and let go of the pattern. I found I had many patterns that the child in me was playing out in my adult life. Each time I let go of one I had to grieve the loss and move on. I've gone from a desperate codependent to living alone now for 12 years and content with my life with "me". I still have work to do. I still need to learn to accept myself and love myself as I am. I still need to learn to accept love from my HP and others in my life. I don't have that unhealthy need anymore and that unhealthy desire to get what I need from outside myself and from others besides my HP. I was using others for a band-aid for the pain that was there from my childhood. That's why I needed them so badly. When they were absent the horrible pain was present.

I faced the pain and loss and let go of the band-aids. It was very hard and very painful, but very worth it. I'll post a link for you that explains how I did it. My HP took me through it and arranged every circumstance in my life to cause the healing. All things work for good.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...?threadid=8634

Hugs,
MG