StandingStrong

I've heard it said a million times that when someone is approached about something and they become defensive, it is because they are guilty.
Now, while I agree that this may be the case in some instances, I disagree that is always the case.
For example, if a person feels that they are always being attacked or accused of something - their reaction will become defensive. Always feeling the need to defend themselves.
Ah and I have reached a place that we have been in for quite some time. Ironically, we've gone through various phases of this defensive mode.
Back in the day when ah drank all the time, he was defensive about it because he knew that he was in the wrong for what he was doing, etc.
Fast forward to a time when ah and I had first split up, I was probably pretty defensive. I'd been hurt and I was dealing with alot of emotional pain and bitterness. I was defending myself in the way of trying to keep myself from experiencing more pain, I believe.
In the past year, ah and I have both done some things that have caused some major trust issues as well as come to a point of lack of communication and misunerstandings. Now, we've come to the situation of anytime that I try to talk to him about things - and it's extremely bad if I question anything - he becomes very defensive. I try to talk to him sometimes, I try to ask him questions so that I may better understand things. However, I believe that he is taking anything I say or ask as a form of my attacking him; therefore; he becomes defensive. I've tried to explain to him that I am not attacking him - I am trying to understand, I am trying to talk to him. He, for some reason, doesn't seem able to grasp this.
Now, if he wants to talk and we are just talking in general, everything is fine. But it tends to get ugly if I approach any of the "hot topics". In this way - I feel that ah is an avoider. And I believe he always has been this way.

I truly feel at a loss here. I've tried many different approaches on trying to talk to him as well as telling him why I feel the need to talk about these issues. A part of me feels like I should just give up. But even if I were to do that, there would still be many things that would just keep bothering me as I'd never have any type of closure to any of this, lots of unanswered questions, etc. I've always been the type that tried to understand things - even if I didn't agree, if I understood, I can do better.

Any thoughts? How to get over the defensive mechanism?

denny57

I'm not sure I know your whole story. Do you still live with AH? And he still drinks? If not and he's been sober long enough, you could try counseling to learn a new way to communicate. Sorry if this is not helpful or doesn't apply to your situation.

LaTeeDa

I've discovered that getting into my own head, rather than trying to get into his, is the best approach for me. Example: Why does he act like me and his children are a "chore" rather than a pleasure. If I asked him that straight out, he would get defensive. Instead, I mulled it over for awhile and decided that maybe he would rather have a life free from all that responsibility. So when I talked to him about it, I said something like: "I just want you to know that if you decide that you want a life free from the stress of children, college savings, retirement, etc. and just want to do your own thing without all that, I'm okay with it. I don't want you to feel pressure from me, society, your parents, or whatever to do the so-called right thing. I would rather we be happy apart than miserable together. So, think about it and do whatever is best for you and don't worry about the rest of us, okay?"

I think the key is getting past your own need for answers, and just stating the facts. Try to find a way to get the information you need without any direct or indirect accusations or guilt. I don't know if this makes any sense or not, but it worked for me.

L

JessicaNAJ

One thing I've learned (and still trying to deal with) is that I can't possibly understand everything. The more I try, the more I get frustrated or hurt. I do the same thing....I question to understand. But there are somethings I have to learn that I will find out and understand when the time is right. For now, I have to accept that I cannot understand everything.

StandingStrong

I agree Jessica that there are some things that I will never understand. And there are some things that I've not really questioned because I am aware of this.

A friend of mine told me today that they think that ah does this to me because I let him. That my ah is doing this because he knows that it gets to me and basically is a manipulation technique. They pointed out to me how ah knows how to get to me and that he's been doing it for years. While I agree this may be true - I guess I don't want to believe that he does it on purpose - and I think he does it to other people as well - so I'm not sure it's really something he does just to mess with my head.
I have given a lot of thought to this today though and am realizing that I have to let his defensiveness be his own. I guess I just get sick of him acting that way with me - and doing so in an unfriendly way. I end up feeling like I've been emotionally beaten.

Sidenote to the above: I did talk to ah briefly today. I was asking him about different events that happened since he was a kid - all ending with him walking away from a situation. Most of the ones that I mentioned, he could not remember. I asked if he realized that he avoids issues - and always has. He said no, he didn't realize that. We spoke breifly of his defensiveness.
Truly, I don't think we really got anywhere. If nothing else, I was able to tell him how I felt and how I interpret some of his actions vs words, etc. so that was a good thing. I guess it's up to him if he wants to try and do anything about that.
And for me - I think in truth, I need to be careful how I word things as well. I do think that sometimes it does appear that I'm attacking him. That is my part to own and deal with.