wish4someday

Well, I thought we made a breakthrough. My AH lost his job (again) and after a weeks binge, he decided he would go in to get an "assessment" done at a location rehab facility. We arrived at the facility on Monday and after sitting in the counselors office for 5 minutes, he said that my AH needed in-patient treatment and that's all he had to offer for him. My AH was dumbfounded because he naively didn't think he needed in-patient. He was on the spot and had to made a decision about whether or not he would be admitted.

My AH kept asking me what I wanted him to do. . . . I told him it was a decision he needed to make and he knew how I felt. Reluctantly, he admitted himself.

Two days later, I get a call from him and he says he cannot do it anymore. He said "this type of treatment isn't for me. They make you wear masks and carry around teddy bears. . . this isn't me." I told him to talk to his counselor and call me back before he made any decisions. He said his mind was made up. I told him to keep an open mind, to talk to his counselor and to call me before he did anything. I told him if he left, he'd have to walk home. So guess what?!?!?!. . . . he did.

The two days he was in treatment was honestly the best few days that I've had in a long time. I knew he was being taken care of. . . I didn't have anything to worry about. . . or wonder about. I felt like we were moving in the right direction and in 28 days, we could start reconstructing our lives together. ((I sound gullible, huh?))

Here I am. . . he's been home for 1 day and I'm back to the worrying, wondering what's next and rolling my eyes at the lies and manipulation that I get from him on a daily basis. I'm kinda thinking he's already back to drinking but I'm not stressing over it because the truth will come out sooner or later.

Are his actions typical? Why couldn't he last longer than 2 days? What type of treatment IS "for him"? Is he just not ready to get himself some help?

cwohio

he's obviously still in denial. no treatment will work unless he is ready. my husband did this same sort of thing with several outpatient programs. he didn't like the facilitator, etc., etc.

sorry your hopes have been dashed. have you tried al-anon?

ranae1221

I agree with that. Untill he is ready, he is going to find something "wrong" or say that it's not for him with every and any type of treatment.

goffredo

Hi wish

sorry to hear that. i think he's still in denial and not ready to embrace recovery. It sounds as if he was reluctant to even get admitted. Once when my partner went to her first AA meeting reluctantly, you know what she did? we went there together and agreed to meet after the meeting and I went shopping. I went to meet her outside the meeting at the arranged time and she wasn't coming out. I then got a phone call from her saying she never went and was in the pub! I couldn't believe it as when I left her I saw her going in through the front door... she told me she did and came out of the back door! I then realised how powerless I was over her, her addiction and her decision to stop. She was the only one who could do it, if she wanted to! When SHE decided to get clean and sober she started going to meetings, counselling and so on. I don't need to say anything, to remind her or push her.

What I needed to do was to back off her, to stop obsessing about her, to lecture her, nag her, to convince her. I could only do that by starting going to Alanon and focus on me.

Love Jo

Zoey

Does he also say AA won't work?? Has he tried AA?? If not you might tell him AA is a man thing, no frills. no masks, no teddy bears.
Are you sure this traetment was for alcohol??? Sounds strange to me.

Cap3

Personally if i was in treatment,and they wanted me to wear a mask and carry a teddy bear,around,i would "run" not walk out.So im in agreement here with you man,.I know i cant be to fussy on what treatment i go to,,but to me,this is over da wall.Of course i dont know the theory behind doing this,but still id head for the hills on this one.There are many rehabs.There is AA,many paths to soberiety,that he can choose from.He agreed to get an assement done,and he did....Hands off his recovery!!!!.I know its hard to do.All the worrying,wondering wont change him,but when i did it,it certainnly changed me to be a worrier,fretting all the time,until i came to recovery for myself.Then i was free to let go,let God,work His miracles in another.I was no longer in the way...
My prayers for you both,
God Bless,and take care!!!!

wish4someday

Yeah, I didn't fight with him much on that. I guess what I was most upset about was that he had given up so easily. I asked him to discuss his issues with his counselor at the treatment center and he said his mind had already been made up. . . he was walking home. And now, as he's laying on the chair passed out from vodka I've come to the conclusion that he is still in denial, just as you all have said.

He told me he was going to go to AA tomorrow morning but he said he didn't remember if it was 9:00 or 9:30. I'm wondering if this is the build up to another excuse as to why he didn't do what he said he was going to do.

Please allow me to vent for just a moment (and my counselor and Alanon is helping me work through all of these thoughts) -- I want my husband back. I want the person that I fell in love with to be the person I'm with today. I can't comprehend that the person he used to be is gone and that he doesn't have the mental ability to see what's happening to himself. I'm so frustrated and bitter over the person that I'm living with right now. All the lies, manipulation and anger in his eyes makes me very, very sad. I want so bad for him to break the nasty routine that he's in. I want so bad to come home from work one day and see the brightness in his face and glow in his eyes that's been missing for so long. It's been so hard for me since he left rehab. I have a constant pinch in my neck and I have millions of thoughts circling around in my head. . . I wonder why I should even care anymore if he's so willing to walk out that door without at least discussing other options with his counselor. And the sad thing is. . . I know why. . . it's because his disease still has control. . . . I find it hard to not view him as an evil person when he looks me straight in the eyes and lies to me. And the look of hatred in his eyes when he tries think's I'm lying to him about something and he wants so bad for me lying to be the truth. Ohhhhhhh. . . thanks for allowing me to vent. It's been a long 3 days.

That short breakthrough sure felt good.

Kellye C

I'm sorry you are hurting so. I have to agree with what is expressed here. I don't think I could have hacked walking around with masks and stuffed animals and he is surely in denial about his disease. I would imagine that in his clearer moments he is also scared. There comes a point, or at least there did for me, where you become aware that you are no longer in control of alcohol, that it is in control of you and that is scary. Even knowing that though is not enough. My mom took me to various AA groups and I would go to get her off my butt. Usually my drinking had brought about still more chaos and I knew that I had a problem but I still suffered under the delusion that I could somehow, someway control it. That I could figure out a way to drink successfully. Anyway, I'd go to these meetings but I'd be sitting there looking at the differences instead of the similarities and deciding why this wasn't for me. It wasn't until I accepted fully that I was killing myself one drink at a time and wasn't able to stop through willpower alone that I became willing to go to a meeting and look for the similarities. It is referred to in the Big Book as being beaten into a state of reasonableness. I had to reach that point before I'd accept help. In the meantime I was tearing up my mom and my kids with my drinking. I was sneaky, lying, angry, and very afraid.

I hope he gets up this morning and goes to that meeting but just know that you can't force him. He has to reach the point where he is willing to try something different because he can't stand the pain of drinking anymore. There are many people that reach that point but there are oh so many more who never do and who end up dying in the disease. You can pray for him and support any effort he makes to help himself but that is about it. The rest is up to him and you have to find a way to step back and focus on what you need.

I understand fully about wanting the old "him" back. One thing that I've been told by my daughter numerous times is how happy she is to have her "old" mom back. It is possible but not without work.

Hugs,
Kellye

wish4someday

Thanks for helping me understand Kellye. I applaude you on your sobriety because I see how hard it is.

I've come to terms with knowing that I cannot control him about a year or so ago. I pray for him every day and feel that I'm there to support him. When I feel myself get angry, I walk away from him and think through how I should or shouldn't convey to him how I'm feeling but I make sure to never condescend him. I want to be there to support him.

But. . . I feel in my heart that I may not be good for him in this situation. While he's in the mind frame that he's in, he's constantly viewing me as someone "in his way of his drinking" and he does things intentionally just to "get to me". . . and he's actually told me that before.

I ask him. . . why did you do such and such?

Because I wanted to see how you'd act or because I knew it would get to you.

Sounds like he's in control of something, huh? (That's me).

Zoey

That seems to be part of the disease, telling SO that they causes drinking because they don't care or because they do care, or because they don't say anything or because they do say something, Then if that doesn't fit, it is because it is raining, or the sun is shinning. Because they are happy, or they are bored. Whatever??

Well it also is part of human nature, he wants for you to think he is perfect, and I want my SO to think I am perfect. So add alcohol to human nature and then what??

If you think he is special, so you can say it honestly I would say "I love you very much and you will probably figure it out." It is just my belief that saying things like that kinda throws them off track, but also makes them think, "sure I can do this."
Has to be honest and said from the gut ,I believe.
I would use the word probably rather than I know. "'I know you can do it" sometimes sounds like we are pulling psychology on them and that doesn't work. (smile) Also I learned we should never say ,"You should" Hard to remember or change from saying that.

This is just some thoughts going thru my head today. Take what you can use and leave the rest ya know. HUGS

Pick-a-name

Was he in detox or treatment phase? Just curious. Unless he was already detoxed before going in, I doubt that he even had a chance to, could explain why he left when he did.

Pick-a-name

hahaha...........thanks for the reminder,Clancy. So true. When you are only hearing them one at a time, they almost seem believable, but if you think back over time all the "reasons"; it boils down to one:alcoholism. Good for me to always remember.

wish4someday

They were detoxing him at treatment. He had gone through detox 3 days prior but had drank heavily in those three days before going into treatment. He was in the "watching area" by the nurses taking detox medication and after 3 days he would have been released to the dorms. He never made it that far.

Pick-a-name

Sorry......kinda what I thought. I have heard that is not uncommon. Guess they physically feel better and "think they are fine now", but of course their judgement is very,very far from clear.

How very frustrating for you........amoung other feelings. I am sorry you are dealing with all this.

p.s.Might also "explain" the masks and teddy bears........I am sure that some of the peolpe would have those, like in any other hospital setting. Of course, I know how they can take a vague fact and turn it around to make it sound like something it is not; we have all been privvy (sp?) to that special talent!