Realization.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Realization.
While to most of you, it may sound as thought this common sense, I've recently been thinking of something - and realizing it more everyday.
When I look at ah - I see the man I've always known. When I hear his voice, I hear the voice of the man I've always known. When I see his smile, I see the smile that has always caught my attention - just as the smirky crooked grin! lol.
When I think of ah - I see him in my mind & memories, still looking like himself. I can remember his voice - still him. I can remember the good times we've had, that smile of his, etc - and it's still him.
BUT................the man that dwelled within that body has been gone a very long time. Occassionally I may have gotten a glimpse of the inner him - which is what always draws me back to him. Point being - the man that I see, hear, and remember - well, he's not the same person that I fell in love with all those years ago.
It is easier for me to not have to see him or hear his voice. It's easier for me to avoid him. When I avoid him, I can remember the man that he became - the one that he is. Instead of being distracted and reminded of the man that I fell in love with.
While I love my husband - and believe that a part of me will forever - the truth of the matter is that if we had been dating for some time and went through what we've gone through as a married couple, I would have broken off the relationship. I would not date the man that he has become. Yes, in the beginning, I'm sure that he would be great (just as he occassionally is now when he's in the "Trying" mode) but eventually I see who he really is. And that is not the kind of person that I'd keep dating or stay with.
Ah found it more productive for us to talk on the computer IMing instead of talking. Interesting enough - it was during this time that I began to realize what I've mentioned above. In only chatting to him - not seeing him or hearing his voice - I began to see the person that he is. The one that blames, manipulates me to feel guilty, and also does the "Feel sorry for me" thing. It was having those conversations saved and being able to go back and read them, that I was able to see old patterns emerging, was able to read them when I was more clear-headed, and begin to really accept that there were some things that truly had not changed.
Someone on this board posted the following. Though I saved it, I do not recall who posted it and have been unable to find it when I did a search. So, to whoever posted this - I thank you. It's been enlightening for me in my own recovery as I read what you had posted - and began to realize just how that applied to me with what I've learned. In that, I wanted to post it again here for anyone that may have missed it.
I realize that I will always have a type of connection with ah - internally as well as the fact that we have children together. However, I've also come to realize that when I am away from him with no contact - I do think about him and whatnot, but I am better. I think more clearly. I am not playing any of "the games" that we all play with our ah's (or doing the dance as it's also referred too). But now, I realize why it is that I have a hard time in seeing him or hearing him - because it's the man I've always known - and that doesn't translate into my head as the person that he has become. For me, it's the man that I fell in love with so many years ago.
Quite the realization - though it really should have just been common sense. Still progressing in my own recovery.
When I look at ah - I see the man I've always known. When I hear his voice, I hear the voice of the man I've always known. When I see his smile, I see the smile that has always caught my attention - just as the smirky crooked grin! lol.
When I think of ah - I see him in my mind & memories, still looking like himself. I can remember his voice - still him. I can remember the good times we've had, that smile of his, etc - and it's still him.
BUT................the man that dwelled within that body has been gone a very long time. Occassionally I may have gotten a glimpse of the inner him - which is what always draws me back to him. Point being - the man that I see, hear, and remember - well, he's not the same person that I fell in love with all those years ago.
It is easier for me to not have to see him or hear his voice. It's easier for me to avoid him. When I avoid him, I can remember the man that he became - the one that he is. Instead of being distracted and reminded of the man that I fell in love with.
While I love my husband - and believe that a part of me will forever - the truth of the matter is that if we had been dating for some time and went through what we've gone through as a married couple, I would have broken off the relationship. I would not date the man that he has become. Yes, in the beginning, I'm sure that he would be great (just as he occassionally is now when he's in the "Trying" mode) but eventually I see who he really is. And that is not the kind of person that I'd keep dating or stay with.
Ah found it more productive for us to talk on the computer IMing instead of talking. Interesting enough - it was during this time that I began to realize what I've mentioned above. In only chatting to him - not seeing him or hearing his voice - I began to see the person that he is. The one that blames, manipulates me to feel guilty, and also does the "Feel sorry for me" thing. It was having those conversations saved and being able to go back and read them, that I was able to see old patterns emerging, was able to read them when I was more clear-headed, and begin to really accept that there were some things that truly had not changed.
Someone on this board posted the following. Though I saved it, I do not recall who posted it and have been unable to find it when I did a search. So, to whoever posted this - I thank you. It's been enlightening for me in my own recovery as I read what you had posted - and began to realize just how that applied to me with what I've learned. In that, I wanted to post it again here for anyone that may have missed it.
From: Believing in Myself by Earnie Larsen & Carol Hegarty
January 21
Closure means dead - Jonathan Jarvis
What could be harder on one's self-esteem than to be continually drawn back into a toxic relationship, or any toxic situation? Many of us, desparately trying to break free from an addictive stranglehold, make heartfelt, heroic efforts to break out. But ultimately, failing to walk all the way away, we slip right back, inch by inch, into the hell from which we had almost escaped.
When a situation has been deemed lethal, when we come to understand that to stay is to sacrifice self-esteem, then closure, and only closure, can set us free. Closure does not mean sort of separating. It means that even if the other person calls or invites or begs or pleads or cries or crawls the answer is no. Out means out. Closure means canceled, kaput, the end.
Difficult? Yes, indeed. Necessary? In some situations it is the difference between life and death, physical as well as spiritual. Most of us need a lot of support from healthy friends to stick to our guns when we're trying to do away with a dangerous, but compelling, relationship.
Successful closure means being open to the new as well as closed to the old.
January 21
Closure means dead - Jonathan Jarvis
What could be harder on one's self-esteem than to be continually drawn back into a toxic relationship, or any toxic situation? Many of us, desparately trying to break free from an addictive stranglehold, make heartfelt, heroic efforts to break out. But ultimately, failing to walk all the way away, we slip right back, inch by inch, into the hell from which we had almost escaped.
When a situation has been deemed lethal, when we come to understand that to stay is to sacrifice self-esteem, then closure, and only closure, can set us free. Closure does not mean sort of separating. It means that even if the other person calls or invites or begs or pleads or cries or crawls the answer is no. Out means out. Closure means canceled, kaput, the end.
Difficult? Yes, indeed. Necessary? In some situations it is the difference between life and death, physical as well as spiritual. Most of us need a lot of support from healthy friends to stick to our guns when we're trying to do away with a dangerous, but compelling, relationship.
Successful closure means being open to the new as well as closed to the old.
Quite the realization - though it really should have just been common sense. Still progressing in my own recovery.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
But now, I realize why it is that I have a hard time in seeing him or hearing him - because it's the man I've always known - and that doesn't translate into my head as the person that he has become. For me, it's the man that I fell in love with so many years ago.
Quite the realization - though it really should have just been common sense. Still progressing in my own recovery.
Quite the realization - though it really should have just been common sense. Still progressing in my own recovery.
It sounds like you are really moving ahead in your recovery. Often, significant life changes happen when we work at recovery.
Pease and blessings to you and your lived ones.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
My head is slowly coming to this same realization...my heart is having a hard time catching up. My daughter reminds me of this over and over...I do not want to believe it, but I know eventually I must, because it is true.
Thank you for this post. I am going to print it out so I can read and re-read it.
I am sorry you have had to/are going through this..I know how very difficult it is.
Sending you a big hug!
Thank you for this post. I am going to print it out so I can read and re-read it.
I am sorry you have had to/are going through this..I know how very difficult it is.
Sending you a big hug!
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