equus

I've had this feeling rattling in my head for weeks now, that something is different, that something is very right. Then of course it's meant I've had to tie myself into a tight knot because 'it's only 4 months' because 'He could drink tomorrow'.

Well you know what? That small tight knot is what's doing me the harm now. Something is different, I do trust my gut, something about the last four months has been oh so right - namely him enjoying not drinking! In previous stop attempts I've always said (and meant) he'll drink again - hell some of them he said he would drink again!! This time something is different.

I want to let go of the knot, my gut, my heart, my eyes, my mind all tell me this isn't just for real, it's for life. I believe him, I believe his intent, I believe the actions and effort.

His intention and effort won't mean he's immune, it won't mean he won't get it wrong, it won't mean that he'll feel the same if he starts drinking again - but all those bridges are only from crystal balls, neither of us need cross them yet.

Right now, today, it's different, today it is for life, and today I believe him. I know the risks are there, it's enough to know that - I don't need to use it sending myself potty that what I percieve has to be somehow flawed.

He has stopped drinking.

nutz

I take it you been getting some sleep, at the very least.

equus

I'm lucky with sleep - apart from three or four nights in the last couple of years I nearly always sleep like a log. I'm not very good at staying up late and usually wake around 5.30 - 6.30 am but I sleep like a dead woman!!

It's hard for me to tell much by sleep - apart from total meltdowns it's a given!

FormerDoormat

And this, my friend, is what I find so special about you. So happy to hear about D's progress, so plump those cushions and get really comfy.

megamysterioso

I am very happy for you equus. If you can truly take on a "one day at a time" approach and be content with every moment that you have, then you are very lucky and mature. It is very hard to let go of the classic crystal ball defense mechanism to avoid pain (my walls are up baby!). You have accomplished so much to be able to take on this attitude. Hugs to you.

equus

Long before I met D, at times I put up walls to protect myself, I think that always went against my nature and the walls I made just blocked my view. The barriers I've conjurred up never really made me feel safe - see there never really high enough, never complete.

You hit a nail on the head mega - my life is not meant to be behind walls, the protection that works for me is freedom to move and see, knowing I have choices and can move away from situations that bring more pain than happiness. And sometimes when I can see clearly enough, a few times that teach me, seeing from a new perspective, looking out not in - I can find my happiness in the most unexpected situations.

Walls are as tempting to me as anyone, but I think if anything was going to sum up what I first posted here it's that they are coming down. I will live free, with a good view, with daylight, and able to move through my own life unhindered. At least that's what I'm aiming for!! (It'll probably take a few attempts!!).

Magichappens

"It (fear) was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it." Alcoholics Anonymous Pg.67

Fear is what binds me to most of my destructive thoughts and actions. Getting free of fear, or learning to live with courage, is one of the most rewarding results of being involved with recovery. Sounds like you are moving constantly in that direction, my friend. Hugs, Magic

equus

Yay!! Magic - lovely to hear from you!!

I wouldn't say I've won the battle with fear but I sure as hell ain't feeding it!! (At least not intentionally!).

Things are good here, today is good - life is good!

JessicaNAJ

I'm very happy for you and D

There is truly something special there....for both of you.