devastated

Hello:

Last week was a bad week and this week is starting the same way. The son is on a rampage because he found out the X-girlfriend (whose daughter I've babysat for since she was 2 months old, now 7) was here for dinner. He was angry and said "why is she welcome, and I'm not!" Well, I tried to tell him it was because he had left so much wreckage and all he has to do is try to pull himself up and come back here showing that he is taking care of himself by himself and perhaps the husband will forgive him AGAIN! He called me names and said I was a back-stabber and he was going to "fix" me!
Last week he was angry because he said he needed 40 dollars for drug test to get a job and I said I can't believe you have to pay for your own testing! Well, he said I called him a liar!
Today it was I've let him down all his life, etc., etc., well, by now I'm starting to feel doubt as to whether or not I was a good Mom! I'm getting to the point where I don't know anymore.
I think I'm just not going to answer the phone anymore when I know it's him. It just ends up in a fight every single time. Why would a child tell his Mother to go "suck a ----"! If my husband knew that he would never ever forgive him. Then he calls two minutes later and acts like nothing happened!
The problem with not answering the phone is I'm always afraid he's going to get madder and show up here (3 hours away)! I told him he was going to get in trouble again and end up back in prison and he said he knew he was! I guess there just isn't any more hope left. He sounds terrible and afterall, if he won't try how can I?
I haven't given him any help for a long time. I try so hard to be supportive and tell him he is capable of getting back on his feet and all he does is blame me for being where he is (at Dad's) where he hates it and doesn't know anyone! It's all my fault that he is where he is and I said, it was your choice. He just doesn't give up though, he keeps calling me and the girlfriend. He tells the girlfriend she is no to tell me anything about what he says. If he finds out that she told me something he jumps all over her. He is controlling her even though they are not together! I told her she has to stop letting him do this, but she's afraid not to talk to him for fear he'll come to her house. She has had an alarm put on and has a panic button always within her reach. She is trying to serve him again with RO. This is the third time no one has been successful. '
He just called three times while I have been writing this telling me how miserable he is and how I won't ever listen to him and on and on. I finally just told him that's it. I haven't picked up the phone and he has called three times in two minutes! I'm losing my mind! Is it best just not to talk to him for a while??? Thanks for listening....Hugs, Devastated

Hangin' In

Devastated,

I am NO expert on this mothering thing but couldn't help but respond. Your post just sounds like you are worn out with all this and I'm sure you are. And I think that is your answer, Devastated. Is it going to change the next time he calls or will you just get more grief from him.

You are in a bad position....caught between a rock and a hard place. Scared if you do, scared if you don't. But at least if you put some distance between you and him by not talking, you wouldn't suffer every day.

You said it yourself....you're going insane. If you didn't have to listen to him putting you down all the time and telling you what an awful mother you've been, you're days would HAVE to be better.

Devastated, I understand what you're going through. I can just feel him tugging on your heart even when he says such hateful things. But I'm sure you've been a great mom! It is HE who has the problem and just doesn't want to face it. And WHO better to blame than mama? And know why? Cause he knows (as well as my daughter) that we will ALWAYS be there for them. But that doesn't mean we have to lay down so they can walk on us.

So if you can, get up so he can't walk on you. And give yourself permission to NOT answer the phone. I'm praying for you, for extra strength to make it through these days.

Love,
Hangin'

Morning Glory

Devastated,

There are a lot of us on the boards that really were abused in some form or another. I've never talked to my parents like that. Even when I was so angry and hurt I couldn't stand it.

You do not have to put up with the horrible disrespect that he is showing you. As long as he can blame it on you he will not take responsibility for himself. It would probably be good for him if you just refused to talk to him when he treated you like this. You can't change things. You can't solve his problems. If you can't help him by listening then why listen to it. What purpose does it solve for either one of you. How are these conversations a part of the solution?

Don't feed his illness by listening and allowing him to continue his behavior. That only hurts him. Your guilt only hurts him and allows him to continue. I believe if you stick to your guns he will quit because you are important to him and he won't want to lose you. If you were to hang up the minute he starts getting disrespectful he would stop doing it. Don't hesitate. Hang up. If you continue to answer the phone then hang up again as soon as he is disrespectful. You don't even have to tell him why you're hanging up. He already knows. I think he will change his behavior if you do this. I know my son did. I know my clients do to. They know I don't play. Your son needs to know that you are not going to play.

This is uncomfortable for you. It hurts. It's a risk. I used to tell my therapist that I was afraid if I did these things my son would die. She kept telling me that if I didn't do them that he would die.

Many hugs to you,
MG

Morning Glory

Hi Josie,

Hugs,
MG

Josie

Devastated,
I can't add much more to M.G. and Hangin,
but I know how scary it is to know your
son is going away for a long time if
they don't straighten up their s%$#.
I also know the fear that this is in your
hand's and the GF's for safety reasons.
This can all be taken care of if you
make the call, who wants to be the one
to put him away? So we pray and pray
and pray.
I feel so sad that he is abusing you in
this way. I wish you could change your
phone number, but I know you're not
ready for that.
All you can do is get back on the horse,
and don't beat yourself up for regressing.
I do it all the time, we all do.
Sending you big hugs and prayers.

Josie

Hi M.G.

Hangin' In

Just checking in with you Dev. Been thinking about you.

So tell me this. Is the caller ID working REAL good on your phone? I hope so. And I know you know why I asked...

It's PERFECTLY OKAY to set your boundaries and say, "I will NOT be treated like this" and let the phone ring to it's heart's content. And if it keeps ringing, take it off the hook for a while. I've done it before and it works quite well.

Love ya,
Hangin' In

lyn_blossom78

Devastated:

If it's any consolation to you...

Adam and Eve walked with God--in His very presence, daily, in the Garden of Eden. How much closer to parenting wisdom do you think someone could be? And Adam and Eve still had a son, Cain, who killed his brother, Abel.

The point is, I'm sure you were/are the best mother you could be. Don't beat yourself up. He will come around, when he sees he's to blame for his own problems, not you.

My prayers are with you today.

Hugs, Lyn

Faith

((Devastated)) Your situation sounds so much like mine that we could be one and the same.Our children get so good at trying to wear us down.I refuse to carry the blame for the kind of life my son has made for himself.I know its hard for you not to answer the phone but you have to do whats best for you.My son still lives at home,Hasn't worked in over a year.In this house my husband is the enabler and believe me when I say our reationship continues to suffer because of it.If it were only up to me I would say the decision is yours "get help or get out".As long as you are there to pick up the pieces your son will never take responsibilty for his own life.Try to think of it this way 'If I weren't here what kind of difference would it make for my son.The answer would be he would simply find someone else to put the blame on.When my son was 14 years old I called the police on him.Do I regret it? Definitely NOT! And to this day it gets thrown in my face but it doesn't faze me a bit.From the time my son became a teenager he became a violent rebellious person.The reason I called the police was because he knocked me off the porch and into some bushes.He used to pick fights with his younger siblings,skipped school constantly the list goes on and on.He stood there in juvenile court crying because he was being sent to a boys home.Of course I wish it didn't have to come to that but I had to think of the rest of the family and I was desperate for him to get some help for his behavior.The boys home didn't help because when he got out he stole a car and this time was sent to a boot camp.Never went back to school but I do give him credit for getting his GED. A few years go by,He meets a girl and within a couple months shes pregnant.My grandson is now 8 years old.He lives with his mother but stays weekends here with his dad.My son and the mother of his childs relationship lasted about 18 months and it ended because of his drinking and not being able to hold down a job.I give her credit for being a decent mother and holding down a good job,Providing a home for my grandson and carrying the load alone because my son hasn't held down a job in over a year.Before his last job he had numerous others that only lasted a month or two.Now here we are and my son will be 29 next month,Still not working or contributing anything toward support for his son and drinks whenever he can get enough change together to get a couple 40 oz bottles of beer.He will gather up pop cans,loose change lying around and I'm sure my husband has even given him money for the few things he does around the house.It has gotten so bad a few times that I've moved out of my own house because I'm sick and tired of living like this.My son has called me every name in the book and yes it hurts but I keep hanging on because I know I've done nothing to deserve it.I applaude you for taking a stand because you are doing it out of love for your son.I wish you strength and courage to continue to allow your son to stand on his own two feet and be the adult he should be.Bless you and Good Luck.

Ann

Devastated

I set the "resepct" boundary with my son too. As soon as any converation got heated, sarcastic or disrespectful, it was OVER - right then and there. Sometimes I hung up, sometimes I walked out of the room, and more than once I got in my car and left.
When things cooled down, I was willing to continue.

It's hard the first few times, but they DO eventually get the message. Talk nice or don't talk.

Tell him clearly, and tell him once, then take action instead of reacting.

You don't deserve any of this, it is abusive, and he is being a bully. I don't like bullies much, do you? And the "bully" looses his power when we stop being afraid of them.

Hugs and prayers for you, Devastated.

lishaff

this reminds me so much of what my mother and i went through with my brother. he behaved like you describe your son and we were sure he would end up in prison or worse.

he called us back stabbers too. me when i told mom that he was a drug addict and that she had to stop giving him money. he went to jail soon after that but it was a blessing in disguise because as a free adult with no income he didn't qualify for treatment but if the court ordered it that was a different matter. i got her to talk to his lawyer and the judge and he was given manditory treatment. he called us every name in the book and said he would never forgive us for betraying him.

he messed up the first time and had to go back to jail for awhile but the second time he was successful. now he has been clean for over six years has a job, a wife, a daughter, owns a house and has displaced my long held position as the "good" kid. lol

i know its painful my thoughts are with you.

Rose56

Devestated,
I can't add anything more that what's already been said. I just wanted you to know that my prayers are with you and I understand how hard this situation is. Remember we are powerless over people, places and things, so nothing you do or do not do will bring about a good outcome. He has to choose that for himself. So make the choice that will give you the most peace. If you don't talk to him on the phone and he drives to your house, then call the police. He needs to know that you are serious about protecting your serenity and that he cannot break your boundaries. Hang in there, remember we cannot see what's on the road ahead of us. Things might shift in unexpected ways. Just keep breathing, and trusting God to take care of you.

devastated

Hello:

Just a note to say thank you to all of you who took the time to send your support and suggestions. I did finally decide to not answer any more calls for a few weeks! I want him to know what it would feel like if I wasn't around anymore. He called yesterday and left a message saying "sorry about calling, I just wanted to see how you were." It was because I told him in our last conversation that I was tired and the only time I wanted him to call was if he had postive news...until that time, he is just wasting his money on calls. I'm going to do my very best to stick to this plan!
I bet he was shocked when I didn't say I would send the 40.00 for the drug test. What a waste of 40.00 that would be!
Why should I talk to him anyway, as MG stated it doesn't solve the problem listening to him live while looking in the rearview mirror. He really makes me laugh when he says "you never listen to me." I'm so tired of hearing that line!
Thanks again to you wonderful people....Hugs, Devastated

Ann

Devastated

Recovery is all about one step at a time, and it sounds like you just took a big one. Setting boundaries is never easy, but there comes a time when we just say "enough" and refuse to be the victim anymore.

Hugs and prayers to you. Thank you for inspiring us all.