He's in rehab. I hopeful and very angry!

Old 03-05-2006, 03:00 PM
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Angry He's in rehab. I hopeful and very angry!

I've written my story before but have to admit that I haven't been back to the site in awhile. So much has happened in the past couple of weeks that I just feel weak and overwhelmed.
My husband, who I thought just drank (but recently suspected otherwise) skipped town on a monday "To see his KIds" who live in Deaware. While he was gone my brother in law and his girlfriend who are staying with us started telling me little bits and pieces of what has been going on here in the past couple of months while I was working all friggin day. I called him everyday between 10 and 11am to see if he was up and looking for a job (he's a journalist and was fired in august). He'd sound tired say he just woke up and was going to get applications out before he had to go to his part-time job delivering pizzas and 5pm.
Like I said I suspected something was not right but he kept telling me he was fine and I was being paranoid.
What was really going on was that he had over the course of trying to quit drinking on his own, developed an expensive and dangerous pill addiction. I'm a nurse who deals with drug seekers daily and couldn't see it in my own house.
He skipped off to Delaware because his sister and mom ( one a drunk and one an enabler,like me) would be on his side. (We were fighting about his lack of efforts in looking for work) I said some nasty **** and he took off. He also now says that he had to get away from access of any opiates. His brother tells me he's seen him do pills (many) at a time on a few occasions and that's all it took. I confronted , he denied. I took him off all my accounts, turned off his cell phone and was having new locks put on before he got home.
I could really go on and on about the drama that he caused to all inculding his children and how horrible it was but why bother?
He called crying, saying he wanted to die and that he didn't know what to do? I said " neither do I". He said he wanted to go into in patient rehab and I agreed to support him through that.(I never in a trillion yrs thought he'd ever go to a rehab, I stopped thinking that possible a long time ago)
We had our first family visit yesterday. It was so good to see him. He looked so good. His eyes so clear. His thoughts clear.
He told me he's a liar and has lied to me for years. No infedility but lots of stuff I'll be shocked at. He told me he was up to 150mg of percocet a day, and 10mg of xanax. He said he was also using metadone when he could get it. Lying to me telling me he made $40 in tips when really he made more and bought drugs with it.
I did not show anger to him when he fessed up to the lies and ******** because I knew this was huge for him to be honest.
I'm glad he's doing good and has attended every meeting since his admission but his abrubt change in attitude is a little hard to beleive even though I WANT to believe it.
God he could have killed himself by accidentally over-dosing.
What was he thinking?
How do you begin to trust a man that looks you in the eye and tells you "It's all been lies"?
That just doesn't seem possible to me!
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Old 03-05-2006, 07:12 PM
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Welcome back Blizzard, Haven't we all heard that addicts lie, it is caused by the addiction. If I were doing something I felt was wrong, but couldn't stop, I bet I would lie too. Have you read all the suggested books, have you read lots of the posts on here?? There is a good post on what addicts or alcoholics do, I think it is on the Nar-Anon site. H ave you been attending Al-Anon??
How do we trust?? We are all different, some can forgive and trust again if the actions prove they have changed. Finding we have been lied to causes a terrible hurt. Read everything I believe that will help. Keep coming back. HUGS
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Old 03-06-2006, 03:13 PM
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Unhappy

I'm going to my first meeting thursday. I've been reading the courage to change book that i've had forever. I'm just so darn angry right now. He's where he should be and doing what he has to do and I'm left keeping the bills paid and the day to day running of the household together along with working on my recovery, all because of he's an addict. I know I can get past the anger because I have the desire to do so but it's so hard.
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Old 03-07-2006, 07:49 AM
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Blizzard, I feel your pain and when I read your posts, memories came back to me. You are in a very hard spot and it is okay to be a little angry about it because not all of it is because of you. Deal with that anger today or it becomes major resentment in the future. My RAH went to inpatient treatment 1.5 years ago and left me to clean up some major messes while he was gone, he had lost his job and didn't have employment, we had a 10 month old daughter at the time and we did not have daycare for her because he did care during the day and worked nights, not to mention we couldn't afford it with his $500/month drinking budget. Thankfully, I had a good career and a supervisor who showed huge amounts of compassion. I was allowed to work nights and weekends and my sister came through and watched my daughter in the evenings and on weekends. I was so angry. I got even angrier when he mentioned that he may be doing a 4 month long stay. I could handle 28 days, but 4 months of this, no way and I knew that I couldn't swing that with work for that time period. I was angry, angry, angry and did I mention angry. I feel that at that point in my life, anger was a good motivator for me to get things accomplished but that soon started to crumble as well because what was really behind the anger was fear and when I started to see that, things started to get harder for me.

Thankfully, I had al-anon which included a wonderful group of people who weren't going to let me have a pity party every week, weren't going to let me believe that I had nothing to do with the situation in my household and weren't going to let me believe that I couldn't do it. I also did for the first time in my life something that I thought I never could do, I asked for help. It didn't hurt my pride and I survived the first asking and thereafter it got easier. It is okay to ask for help in situations like this. I also decided it was okay if my house was a little messy and it was okay if my daughter and I satyed in our PJ's all day because there is only so much that one person can do.

Unfortunately, alcoholism/addiction is a disease and it is a family disease. Each of us is as sick as, or in my case sicker than, the addict. I truly believe that you are not experiencing all of this just because your spouse is an addict and at some point you may come to believe this as well. This is a chance for you to change your life and improve upon it and that chance is worth taking. I know that if my marriage would have unraveled that I would have been okay because I was working on myself and making my life better for me and for my daughter. My life IS better and my marriage IS better and my husband IS recovering and I AM recovering because of my husbands addiction and I wouldn't have asked for it to be any different. I am still angry about a number of things, but I am working to get rid of the anger because it only hurts me.

Just a small word of caution because I see myself in your posts, I got angrier the closer it got to him coming home because he was doing so well and I was struggling. Holy moses, that is some of the anger that still resonates in me, but I have to remember that it only hurts me. My RAH ended up doing only 28 days and then some extensive outpatient stuff, 90 in 90 and the like. I think back to his first year after and I think it would have been better if he had done the long stay, it would have been better for me as well. We got through it though and are much stronger for it. In my opinion your husband didn't choose to walk the path of addiction, but now that he knows recovery he has choices and so do you. If you haven't gone to al-anon, give it a try, you will find the support you need there. Good luck and congrats to your AH for making it to treatment, hopefully it will stick.
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