Jazzman

My ex sounds a lot like yours, mean nasty drunk after two drinks. Advanced stages for her are both physical and mental. Frequent stays at the hospital for malnutrition, swelling of the abdomen, and a mental state that can only be described by laymen as no concept of reality. Sociopathic behavior and a case of denial that legends are made of.

rider

thanks Jazz.

yes. same thing. he has become very, very, thin, and very erratic in his behavior. does not behave/react like a non-A would. and the sociopathic behavior is there and has been for several years now. the heroin use and crack smoking seemed to push it along.

i went to his place (he is in a broken down old trailer now, lost his first house to his ex-wife, and i own the house we both lived in for several years) to ask him if he wanted to go for a walk with me yesterday, and he locked his door and started yelling at me through the walls to go away and come back between 5 and 6 if i wanted to talk. he would not go for a walk. i didn't go back. i'm somewhat afraid of him. not so much afraid for my physical well-being (though i have every right to be), but the verbal anger and abuse is very painful because i am nice to him. . . it is sad.

Pick-a-name

Again, same here, rider. (I like your name because that was my mom's maiden name and how they spell it )

Again, this is so helpful. It is all so confusing to me sometimes, esp. with him not being here and not seeing the drinking going on....and of course it is "my fault" IF it is "a problem" at all. right. haha

He is divorcing ME now (after 27y) and dealing with him in a logical way is just the MOST frustrating thing ever. I won't get started on that. I have just decided from now on I am going to think of him in a period of his life (when I didn't have too much contact) after I first met him and went out with him a few times.........a college freshman who just wants to party and doesn't go to class. In fact, he spent the weekend with one of these old friends..........both very successful financially,they are supposedly golfing this weekend in SC....but now just 50y plus party-"boys"..ugh. (That friend and his wife,party-buddy from college, still buys and smokes weed I hear,etc) Golf at fancy-smancy places, expensive dinners and wine,blah,blah,blah. Yeah, same guys there in fancier locations, missing work and family responsibilites as college freshman in a smoke-filled dorm room missing class and hanging out with a bunch of other lame-brains doing the same thing. UGH! They are both just so arrogant and impressed with themselves for doing it,too. yuck. That personality change..and the hostility and anger and sense of entitlement is the worst! And the pouting........in a vendictive way....... Our kids do not even pick up their phones when he calls any more..they "screen" the message first, and then maybe call back. The call is usually pointless anyhow, it is all about him. period. Very sad.....anything good comes with a price or for a reason......it isn't worth it.

Boy, this thread is helping me! Thanks! I keep thinking there MUST be a reason he is acting so dumb, so out of character, so mean.......yes, there is only I keep forgetting that the behaviors are as much or more a part of the disease as the alcohol is. There IS a reason: ALCOHOLISM has him in it's grip. period.

p.s. Mine hit me twice in the night w/out his knowledge.....first a punch in the arm, the next and last was square in the eye! I was sure I would wake up with a shiner..........in a way that might have be an "eye-opener" for him (he claims I made it up)....but I doubt it and we will never know. He thought I hurt him to sleep somewhere else...hello! haha

Hope today is a great one for you (all!)

rider

pick, my ex-Abf parties with "kids" in their 20's and 30's. How weird is that? Those that are his own age are also A's and drug addicts. Says alot about a person in the company they keep. When we were together, i had no friends really. My friends didn't drink to excess, or do drugs, so he didn't like them.

The behavior is not logical in any way. I used to find myself trying to figure out how to phrase something so it didn't set him off, or make him mad. Or how to modify any actions of mine so it wouldn't get him upset. I quit riding my horses for the longest time because he didn't like me taking that "time" away from HIM. I avoided business trips/dinners at all costs, because i got accused of doing anything and everything with my male co-workers. It was ridiculous. Not warranted in the least.

Oh, pick, we will be fine. 27 years was a long time for you and you have children with him. The seven i put in with mine was such a waste of my time and energy. I never married him. Almost did, when i got pregnant at 45. But i miscarried so cancelled any wedding plans. Hate to say it, but i am glad i didn't have a child with him and marry him.

My friend told me something that made me laugh "50 is the new 30!" I think she is right.

Keep remembering the bad stuff. I'm sure it outweighs the good. But the good times have a funny way of being what is remembered.

Great day to you too!
Every day is starting to be a great day (finally!).

meli2005

Sounds to me like he is in denial of the seriuosness of his problem. He needs to drink all hours or he will go into withdrawal, become shaky, sick, and irritable. His body needs more and more to maintain. Eventually it will kill him. I'm sure glad you aren't living with him anymore.

Pick-a-name

I understand....that is the way I feel right now; it is so disorienting to feel that way about the man I have been with for 30 years........where did "he" go?

rider

yes, meli, in the end i had to get him out of my house to save my own mental health. you are right, the maintenace drinking is to keep from going into withdrawal which i had never realized until i started this thread.

and you know? i don't think he realizes it either... how bad his disease is.

Pick-a-name

Thanks again, rider......you have been such a blessing to me today. (((rider)))

btw....last night I was thinking of the two babies I miscarried. How I was glad that they didn't get stuck in the middle of this like our son and daughter have. What a bleak place to have been to think a thought like that....ugh!

Oh, well..I am feeling better, for now!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Funny this weekend my discussions with AH were him trying to convince me that he is not a drunk therefore he is not an A. hahaha. I really loved the discussion because it illuminated to me how ignorant he thinks I am #1 and I found that quite insulting as well as the fact that when I tell him remember you said this or that to me when you were drinking "no I didn't" "you are making that up" " you must have been speaking to someone else" right. So I have stopped bothering to converse about it. I said I have my opinions and you have yours. I find it very difficult to live with this and your sarcasm. Been very sarcastic lately because he feels defensive. HMMMMMMM???? Ok so you know what I do not want to hijack your thread but I believe that he is an alcoholic no matter how functional and I just wrote this on another thread if it is making me uncomfortable then there is a problem some where.

Pick-a-name

Yes..I hear you. I think THAT is the biggest hurdle about the maintenance drinking thing for us and them to get past........and why it is differenciated...same as "binge drinking". They are both different concepts from the usual mental picture of "what an alcoholic is" in my mind any how.

I have heard ALL those same things from AH many times. They seem to think ( and to be truthful, for a while so did I) that unless a person drinks everyday to the point of being fall-down-drunk and therefore unemployable,etc...they just "like to drink". My FIL (an pretty-much unacknowleged-A) said at one time he didn't think AH was probably a "bad alcoholic" because he has never been arrested for beating me and he was not fired for drinking. Oh. (I'm not exactly sure that the job thing didn't happen, and it was feeling close for the other) BUT...the men in their family just loved to drink and no one else ever broke up their families over it...(though MIL almost walked).

I guess whatever symptoms they don't have....yet..is what their deffinition of what an alcoholic is. Made, and still makes me sometimes (how can THAT be?no wonder A's deny!) second-guess myself sometimes if he REALLY is an alcoholic? Weird. Like I would just pull that out of the air from somewhere.craziness of MY sickness!

I think you are talking about the same thing here as we are. Best of luck and keep posting. They just seem to be able to better control (for now) the intake and symptoms to keep the appearance of non-drunk,etc. No wonder they are always "stressed out"......always coming or going (drinking and needing more) and planning ahead to keep that BAC where they need it to be to keep the withdrawal symptoms away.....sounds miserable. Too drink "just enough" to not feel w/d and not too much so they loose control and get drunk. Add on top of that blackouts. What a mess! But, hey....they don't have a problem!

rider

hello IRSH,

my ex-Abf would say i said things too. or deny that he said or did something. i took to writing things down. he often says too "remember when we went to such and such a place?" well... guess what.... i had never been to where he was referring to ever. used to really wig me out. no memory of who he had been to that place with or how long ago.

my A was functional too (i guess as long as he "maintained" his BAC he could function). i have totally been there with the constant bickering over what was said and when and the sarcasm and barbs and downright mean remarks. it whittled me down to a former shell of myself. i could argue with him like any normal couple would if he wasn't an A, but i wasn't arguing with him, i was arguing with his disease. i would never win that one.

rider

maybe "win" isn't the right word... more like reaching an reasonable compromise and understanding.

an A is just not a reasonable person, so trying to reason with them is pointless. very frustrating.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hello pick and rider just read through your posts. Pick guess what mine is a 50 plus party boy too. College too. Man. I never really realized until your posts that it is to keep the BAC at a level. Got it. Makes sense then how he can 'manage' it. It is in his family too, and there have been recent family issues re: his fathers death sooooo now that is the excuse to why they may drink more???? Hahahah. I got it.Rider you are right trying to reason with them IS POINTLESS because you cannot reason with someone under the influence of any substance. It is like they tell you when you have anethesia before surgery , make sure for at least two days after you don't sign any legal documents. I must have been under the influence of that drug you know it 'DISILLUSION RX' when I signed the marriage license. lol but not happy. Rider and Pick I hate the denial that what was said wasn't said. blah blah blah.... what a deal. I have too taken to journal to record the events of our lives so I know I am not losing it. He makes me feel like i am. Pick mine is really well educated Ivy Leaguer and doesn't golf but is very cosmopolitan about what he drinks, where he drinks it, what it is, blah blah, money, he can buy it and others and it really is disgusting. I really have never been a money hungry person I think less is more, so I know that I would rather have myself and my spirit left intact than need anything from him and I am able to say that because of no kids and a job. I understand others do not have this kind of a situation. He abuses his 'power' and he knows he can. Thanks for this thread ...

Pick-a-name

OMG.......same here,again. Mine started from scratch (at home) a company that he just sold to a major bank for quite a nice price. Well, as soon as he started to make some cash, all the nutcases started coming out of the woodwork to razzle-dazzle him......and it isn't hard! He spends money (lots of it) on the worst "deals,etc....heck, he even had to join the local (New Money) country club to hang out with these loosers (sorry, but that is what I think many of them are.........may have some financial success but their character seems to be lacking,JMO). Not all, of course. AH was president of this CC last year.... He thinks I am a peon, etc for not being as impressed with some of these people as they are with themselves. This is part of what our divorce is about (per him) that I don't like hanging around getting drunk with these particular folks. I guess he has a point; I don't. KING BABY?!

The forgetting and the constant different answers from day to day.....I just quit a lot of stuff. He says fix something, I do, then he asks why I spent money on that? hello? And rules with the kids.....ugh. I think he has lots of blackouts the more I learn. Like, how could you "forget" the appointment to meet with the cardiologist the day before he is to do the surgery on your 17 year old son? One time (at the C.C.! ) years ago the kids were getting out of the pool and he was going to the driving range while they changed and meet us beside there for a sandwich. He didn't show,we waited fianally I decided to order and son went to the locker room to see if he was down there with some buddies. No sign of him. AN hour later we got home, he was in front of the TV (with his beer) asking ME WHERE WE HAD BEEN? I said waiting for you.........his "answer"; oh, I came out into the parking lot and since you moved your car (I didn't..haha) I assumed you went home so I came home for dinner........ (Dog probably ate the homework,too) Notice, makes no sense.....but still tries to twist it to being MY fault...why did I try for years (heck, I still do) to have this make sense and feel bad for causing something I did not.

Now he is divorcing me.....you can imagine how negotiating 27yr of a single-earner household works when the guy with the money (and bloodthirsty lawyer) is an alcoholic. (We had an intervention;he filed.)

WHEW! I guess I needed that! Thanks...this is soo mich of a relief to have SOMEONE BELIEVE ME!! FINALLY!!!! Well; my kids are older now 18 and 23 and see it now more for what it is..that is helpful and a blessing.

Thank you both so mush for your help...it's be a really bad week and this helps me so very much!
((RIDER)) ((IRSH))

IrshIzNotSmilin

I am the new wife Pick. (Not for long ) He was married to his first wife for 23 years. He forced her hand in the divorce filing. She was of the same career choice as he so she was able to get a high powered attorney, but ohhhh I do not believe all the nasty stories about her. I know now that she was a great mom, and a great wife. She put up and shut up and 4 children later he was cheating on her (not with me) someone else. He has all his flaking cronies lawyers, doctors, accountants, construction workers, etc. etc. all drinkers. All good schools. All party 'boys' 54 years old ha. I think yours is like mine. I feel the kids thank god had their mom but some are into substance abuse and codependancy. I have been unable to have children so we were going IVF until my polly anna bubble burst. I told him no and I have finally set some boundaries. I just hate it all. Sorry having a bad day...

Pick-a-name

Thanks........just talked to him. Some of him I know is conflicted.....we have never even legally separated in the almost four years he has been out of the house. I guess he probably found somone who is putting the "squeeze" on him...and will not complain about the drinking,etc (yet), although he of course denies this. He still pays for anything I want to do (maybe guilt). My family did not even know he had moved out, and we live in the same small town. That all makes it easier but harder...........I hate this; really I do. Thanks for making int a bit easier.

rider

Irsh and Pick my life seems so easy compared to what you are going through, I am here alone with my daughter and at peace. I hope you both just stay strong and know that YOU are the sober one. The one with the memory that actually functions.

In my case I was the major breadwinner in our little "dysfunctional family." I made a good salary and owned my own home. Two years after he moved in with me he finally got a job (he did some part time stuff here and there during the first two years). He held that "real job" for two years then started smoking crack and shooting heroin so got fired. Then it was part-time handyman stuff again and unemployment (did I see much of any money he earned? NOT. I couldn't figure out where it was going. Never knew he had turned into a heroin addict on top of being an alcoholic. THAT drove me to the brink of insanity).

Pick, my A used to do the same stuff to me. He was always missing appts., forgetting he said he would do something, go out to the hardware store to pick a part of something that he was working on at the house and not come back for six hours, (no call of course). The list is freakin' endless, really.

It all finally drove me to totally doubt myself and my own reality of all situations we were involved in together. Lots of that because of the "i never said that", "i never did that" and "you said this." I had a complete breakdown towards the end. I threw him out for the final time five months ago and I will not take him back again.

But I still care about him and his welfare. I hope he stops drinking and starts to live. He is so intelligent, so funny, so resourceful, so handsome, and so much an addict.

He finally got the drugs out of his life, but the maintenance beer drinking will be what kills him if he doesn't get some help.

I am sending you both lots of hugs and strength.