Kellye C

Good morning everyone,

It has been right at a month since I caught my ex-ABF looking for other women and broke it off and a month today since I went to the hospital to get closure after his suicide attempt. He tried to call me Friday but only let it ring once and then sent me an e-mail telling me he missed me. It took everything within me not to go off on his *ss and ask him why he missed me and remind him that he is the one who treated my love as just so much garbage to be traded in for a better model. I didn't respond but it feels like the scab being ripped off of a fresh wound.

As time has worn on I have found myself being snappish and easily irritated and I think I now know why. I am not in a relationship and I'm scared! I have always been with someone as I couldn't stand the thought of being alone even if it was a screwed up relationship. I felt I had no self-worth on my own merits (which I know is BS). So, the reality that I'm alone is starting to set in, I am depressed about it at times and accepting of it at others but the random thoughts of drinking are increasing as is the desire to go out to a bar to look for men. I have no business doing either and I know this but those are my cues (or warning signs) that things are not right in me and I need to work my program extra hard right now. Under no circumstances do I want to go back to the hell I was in when I was in my addiction and these thoughts will lead me straight back there unless I address the underlying issues. I know that much.

I shared this (not in this great of detail) in a meeting yesterday but I needed to put it all out there with people who can understand. Even if you're not an alcoholic like I am you all know what it's like to be in screwed up relationships and stay even when it's not good for you. I feel like I can just lay all this out here, get constructive feedback and know that whether I like the answers or not I am understood.

I have to learn to just be ok with me but I'm not sure how to do it. My mom used to tell me that there are worse things than being alone and I believe that but it feels pretty dang awful right now.

Thanks for listening,
Kellye

rider

(((kellye)))
i am in the exact same place as you are. i made my abf moved out six months ago, i was able to stop drinking (as i was drinking wayyy to much) (and i quit smoking for a few weeks too, have to get back on that). but i missed our totally sick relationship very much. it's almost like a bad relationship was more appealing than having absolutely no one in my life.

when we have occassionally seen one another, i felt so badly about the encounter (because he was drinking and being his usual alcoholic self) that i wanted to drink too. to take away the pain of interacting with him. the same old hurts and jabs from him. how our separation is all my fault (hello, you were smoking crack and doing heroin on top of being an alcoholic. i finally threw you out. it's not my fault.)

this weekend i had another interaction with him. we tried to have dinner together. he was his usual angry and mean self. i FINALLY (duh!) realized that i couldn't keep going back and getting burned. hoping he had somehow miraculously changed. it's almost as if i had to keep going back to check and see if i made the right decision in throwing him out. i had to keep reinforcing that. i didn't believe in myself enough. seven years with an alcoholic/drug addict really did a number on me. i am just starting to feel better. i finally let go of us, of him, today.

and during this time that he and i have been apart, i met someone new. not an A or a drug addict, a great guy, but totally unavailable to me (except for a couple of hours a week) which he didn't mention in the beginning of our seeing one another. not good for my self esteem. i knew then and know now that i dove into that relationship because i was lonesome and angry at my ex-Abf. But i got hurt again.

so today it was like the proverbial lightbulb finally went off in my head. i need to be alone for awhile. i need to not drink, and not have any relationships just because i am so damn lonesome. they will not be healthy ones as i am not yet healthy.

it's really hard. sometimes i just sit and cry for what might have been but will never be with him. and maybe never with anyone. i can't see into the future.

anyway kellye. big hugs to you. i know exactly how you are feeling. personally, i have never attended al-anon because i just never got there. but i am going to start going, even though i don't live with an A any longer. it will give me something to do. (i live in the sticks so there is not a lot going on after sundown). to meet others. to make some friends. to find some answers and tools for coping.

best to you. you'll come out the other side. drinking doesn't help. believe me. only makes things worse. more internally emotional.

linda

laurie6781

I understand totally Kellye. Back in 1989 my Sponsor suggested (Very Strongly) that I live alone for at least a year to get o know me. That a "Him" wasn't going to fix "It". Oh Sheesh. Well reluctanlty, very reluctantly I agreed.

Lo and behold the longer I lived with just me, the more I Liked it!!! My house would be in the same shape when I came home as when I left, ie dirty laundry was in the hamper not 4 feet from it, dirty coffee cups were in the dishwasher not sitting on tables around the house, no overflowing ashtrays, no newspapers on the floor, cap was on the toothpaste, and the toilet seat was down, roflmao.

On a more serious note, I was beginning to 'like' me. In the process of "liking" me more I have gained more "respect" for me, in the process of gaining more respect for me, I have become very "choosy" on whom I want in my life and thus I no longer seem to "gravitate" toward the "hims" that need "fixing". lol

Its just a process, it takes time, but it is so rewarding!!!!! Today, being comfortable with me, apparently shows on the outside. I have had many people ask me how can I be so upbeat when I have the diabilities I have. I answer simply why not be, its better than being depressed. lol

You see by living with JUST ME, not only did I learn about me I learned to ACCEPT me and in accepting me I learned to LIKE me.

JMHO

Love and hugs,

Kellye C

Thank you both for sharing with me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this and Laurie you inspired me as I hope you did Rider.

My sponsor gave me an assignment which I have been putting off. After I posted this I went ahead and started on it. She wants me to make lists of what I want in a partner, what I don't want in a partner and what I'm willing to compromise on. She then wants me to rank each attribute numerically from most important to least important (but still important or it wouldn't be on my list). Anyway, I sat down and did that. I still need to finish ranking and see if anything else comes up before I show it to her on Tuesday. She said afterwards she is going to have me pray using that list and that eventually, when the time is right, then I will meet someone who will be good for me and I will also be able to recognize those who are not.

I've had several people suggest to me to go 6 months without a relationship and the thought is definitely not appealing but I also know it is probably the best thing I could do for me. I'm filling my spare time with AA meetings and talking to and spending time with sober alcoholics. Just last night I went to a kid's birthday party and judged their kareoke contest. It was fun, I got to sing, and it was a productive evening instead of one sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I remember when I got to my 11th step my sponsor told me she wanted me to go off somewhere and just do whatever I wanted to do. I freaked out because I had no clue what I wanted to do! I've always just done what other people wanted to do for the most part. It was at that point that I realized how little I know about myself. I can't say that I know a whole lot more now but I am hopeful that it will come in time.

Thanks again,
Kellye

Zoey

When lonely I went to lots of meetings, both AA and Al-Anon.
Also barrow someones dog to walk in the park (smile) Dog lovers are special people, and might be single too. Browse in the library, people watching is fun. If have the time and the money try college courses.
For sleep I played AA tapes. Voice in the room seemed to help, a known voice, and already heard, so didn't need to listen. Just my 2 cents. HUGS TO YOU ALL.

miss communicat

Dear Kellye

I've been reading your posts about this relationship and wanted to write and support you. Its very difficult to disentangle ourselves from an unhealthy relationship, especially when parts of it are comforting and steady. However, you know in your heart, that you must move on in order for your own emotional and spiritual health.

Just by really working your program of recovery (emotional, spiritual and as relates to substances) you are elevating the quality of your choices, both large and mundane. It is wise to refrain from muddying your situation up by getting into another intimate relationship for at least 6 months, so that you can gain the perspective of your own internal progress and growth.

I ended a relationhip 6 months ago with a man who was not appropriate for me, and, it took AT LEAST 90 days for me to get the distance needed to see more of the dynamics, and to work my own 4th and 5th steps around it. Instead of taking HIS inventory, I looked at myself. And, instead of revealing the exact nature of HIS wrongs to another human being, I did so about my own.

I mention this not in a critical way, but as a share of my own experience. After the first 90 days passed, I felt so much peace in my own skin that I am now feeling unwilling to give it up for a man. Not that I would need to with the right one, but, I certainly have in the past added chaos from relatoinships into my life vrery easily.

Anyway, just wanted to say, "hang in there!' and LOVE YOURSELF!

The undrunken 1

I feel like i'm in the same boat here,i known what your feeling,I never wanted to be alone again.Every since I stop drinking,7 months now.My partner still can't give up the bar life.So she leaving me.we had a wonderful relationship,but her drinking tears me apart inside.I told her last night its the bars or me.Well it looks like me lost!!Its been very depressing,it makes me feel like she just ripped my heart out of my chest.But I have to keep remember its the best for me.I have to be me,do whats best for me and let her be.It so hard.I like this idea about not dating for 6 months,to rediscover myself.Very good ideas everyone.again thanks SR and Kellye for helping me thru this I was so depressed until I read the thread.

Kellye C

Well, he continues to try to contact me begging me to communicate with him. I am resolved to not doing so as it would just open the door and get twisted into a hope of reconciliation on his part. My sponsor supports this 100%

MC, thank you for the advice. I told my sponsor I am ready to do a 4th step on this now. I've thought about it a lot (heck, I've thought of little else) and I can see where my own actions put me in the position that I found myself in and kept me there. So, I am prepared to look at my part in all of this and try to learn something from it so that I don't end up repeating it.

I also like the idea of 6 months relationship-free. It sounds like a good plan and something that was suggested to me on here as well as in the rooms of AA. They tell you no relationships for the first year. Well, I met this man when I was 12 days sober so I haven't had a chance to go through sobriety being single. I didn't get a chance to focus on who I am and what I want. But I plan to take that time now, as difficult as it might be and as far against my grain that it goes.

Undrunken 1, you gave her an ultimatum and she chose. It didn't go like you hoped but it is probably best for you. We all know that we can't change an alcoholic, that they have to want to change and be willing to do the work that is involved. I'm sorry you're going through this but I hope you will use it as an opportunity like what I've been given and use it productively to discover you.

Hugs to all,
Kellye

The undrunken 1

Kellye D....Stick to your plans.MY ex hasn't talk to me for 2 weeks,calls me today acting like nothing ever happen,trying to kiss and make up I presume,I know she went out on me.I guess he wasn't all he was suppose to be,or maybe he couldn't stand the drunk either.so glad I found this place to keep me on the right track.Man it really messes up your head when they do that.I have to stick with my plans.I am just starting to rediscover myself,and learning to love myself.And I must say it feels so Darn Good!!My stress level is so much better now,and those pains in my stomach feel so much better since she is gone.I don't need that stress anymore.

rider

I found that letting go in your head and letting go in your heart are two very different things. My A and I have lived apart now for over 5 months. We occassionally see one another. It's rarely a good time.

My head has known for several years that the relationship was not a good one. But it was only a couple of days ago that my heart finally agreed and I truly let go of him. It was a very funny feeling, but very profound and spiritual in a way. Some subtle shift happened deep inside of me and then I knew, absolutely, that I was going to be okay. I was doing the exact right thing for me.

I am working on myself and my own recover(ies). He will either work on his, or not. And there you have it. Maybe if he gets sober we can revisit the relationship, or not. Maybe too much time will have gone by, but either way, I will have gone forward and not stayed stuck in something so very unhealthy.