StandingStrong

Ah likes to throw in my face that our being apart is what I have wanted for over two years. Tomorrow will make the anniversary date of the day ah moved out 2 years ago. He says that I only want to fight with him and blame him for everything.

Well........I've been thinking on that for about a good week or so now. And I have come to the conclusion that he is right!!!!!!!!!! IT IS ALL MY FAULT WE ARE NOT TOGETHER.

I refuse to live with an active alcoholic or one that is not working some kind of program and getting help to get to the root of the problem.

I refuse to allow his words to convince me of things that do not match his actions.

I refuse to accept lies and broken promises anymore.

I refuse to just "start over" AGAIN, as I've done so many times. Providing him with "another chance" when I feel that he has not done what he should do (make things right, hold true to his word, etc)

I refuse to allow someone to manipulate my feelings, play on my guilt, and convince me that things are my fault that are not.

I will not be with someone that verbally abuses me and emtionally upsets/abuses me.

I will not allow someone that is financially irresponsible to come into my home when I am financially responsible. I will not pay for another's financial mishaps.

I will not allow his "feel sorry for me" moments to change the reality of our situation - he feels sorry for himself but will not take action to do the things that could better that for himself.

I refuse to be with someone that will not stick up for me and defend me (as he didn't confront his fling when she and her friends were harrassing me)

I will not accept someone's words as truth when they have lied to me continuously and still do. If they are not willing to provide proof of the matter when they are offered the opportunity to do so, that is their choice.

I will not allow him to make me feel guilty for the past 2 years that we have not been apart when it was his actions of 15 1/2 years before our seperation that got us to that point.

So - ah and I are not together because I will not reconciliate. So, in a weird twisted way - he is correct. It is because of me that we are not together. And if blaming me for this makes it easier for him to look himself in the mirror everyday - that is fine with me. I know what I endured for years, I know where he has failed, I know that I may have a part in the mess but that it's not my doing that got us to the point of seperation. I also am quite well aware of the fact that some things have not changed - and I am simply not accepting the unacceptable anymore.

Yep......it's all my fault. This is my decision and our being apart is the result of that. It's all my fault we are not together.

Ya gotta admit - it's kinda got a funny twist to it.

lilqhgal

WOW. Do you mind if I print this out and read it to my A? We've just split up and he's blaming me for it being "my fault" for leaving - I try to tell him that he "pushed me" to leave, and that I left because of HIS behavior (the A), but it isn't getting thru to him. Maybe this won't either, but it sure is exactly how I feel and what I need to tell myself and it would help ME to tell him.

StandingStrong

If it helps you - then by all means, print it off!!! Glad that I could put your feelings into words and have you relate. It's always a comforting feeling when you read something that really hits home.
I've been struggling with that guilt issue for a long time. knowing that yes, I could have ah back. Knowing that his life is not a happy one with us seperated.
I've just recently began to see how things really are. It makes it alot easier for me realize that while the result of my decision is that we are not together - it is his also his lack of action that keeps it that way.
I'm just not willing to throw out all the progress that I've made for his happiness anymore when so much has truly not changed. If it hasn't changed, I know that it would just go back to how it was as I'd be sacrificing and compromising myself again to accomodate him.

Interesting sidenote - I posted the other day about ah's dad and I having a conversation that ended with me in tears. One of the things that ah's dad said that reminded me soooo much of ah was that if ah was living with me, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing (we were discussing his drinking, lying, etc). His mom broke into the conversation at that point to say "She wants him to quit lying BEFORE he comes home" to which his Dad must not understand. Point being - after I'd calmed down some and got to thinking about this ---- it's just ridiculous. Why would he stop if he came home and was with me? He did it when we were together; which led us to breaking up. He's doing it now; as he is supposedly trying to reconcile and is such a "changed person". So why on Earth would anyone believe that if he came back, he'd not do those things?
I shake my head in wonder and amazement! It's funny in a twisted way how some people's minds work.

gelfling

Excellent Post Standing!!!

JessicaNAJ

I agree, excellent posting!!

I just realized how close our situations really are

I tried to respond but being that I just woke up, my brain's not functioning right.

I thought your post was very on target and if you can accept his "blaming you" then that's great. But don't blame yourself. This is not your "fault" this is a choice that was made to make a happier, healthier you. (I need to tell myself that almost every day lol )

outonalimb

Excellent post Standing! I loved it!!

You captured my sentiments exactly. Its all my fault too.

Zoey

Might I suggest that both StandingStrong and lilghgal just say, "'Yes, after thinking about it, you are right, it is all my fault". I feel it would knock the wind out of them, might even make them think about it. They might even argue that no, no it really isn't all your fault. (smile) then just keep repeating, "all my fault every bit of it, I see that now". (smile). Might be fun to see what happens, and of course it is our fault. We want them to shape up, and they can't. Well really it is both our faults as we don't like their way of life and they don't like our way of life.
Take what you can use and leave the rest. Wonderful post SS

minnie

Great post, SS - I always look forward to your long posts as they always have lots to make me think. And yes, it is your fault. I had that thrown at me too, and R was right. I take 100% of the responsibility for ending the relationship. Of course, I don't take 100% of the responsibility of how the relationship worked, or didn't in our case. But that decision was mine and mine alone. Thanks, SS. You have helped me reach a new level in my acceptance.

Isn't that what it all boils down to? Logically, it's not all that different to hooking up with a fisherman and then complaining that they spend a lot of their time at sea.

nutz

LoL.....It's weird, when you can laugh at it, or yourself.
it's healing,awaking, and empowerment.

luvroses

Wonderful post! Thank you for writing it. I am working to get where you are!

megamysterioso

Good for you SS! I bet you've never been so happy to take 100% of the blame for anything in your whole life. This post is inspirational and thought provoking. It really does just boils down to how much nonsense we're willing to accept in our lives at our expense.

Tally

I'm to blame for everything bad in our relationship too....I don't for one minute believe that, but if it "helps" him, then so be it....I just nod and smile and it kills him that he can't get to me anymore....

Love the post, that ones going with my collection. I have a HUGE word document where I copy/paste posts I like/identify with....gonna steal this one!

escape artist

when that gets thrown at me i say, you made your choices and i made mine. it is no one's fault- these are our choices. makes him stop the blame game at least. now if only it made him "think".

TriciaW

Thank You for the excellent post. I have been trying to think of a way to let him know when I leave that it is his fault... but I like this better. It is so true!

rider

thanks standing! i needed that. i'm going through much the same. i don't know if he is delusional or what but somehow, like you, everything is my fault.

yep. my fault for not being suckered back into a bad, bad, relationship one more time. i'm done.

elizabeth1979

Good post SS,
I couldnt agree more.

[QUOTE] will not allow his "feel sorry for me" moments to change the reality of our situation - he feels sorry for himself but will not take action to do the things that could better that for himself[QUOTE]


I know this feeling. Who wants to live like this?

TexasGirl

You know, it takes a really strong person to know that you are being blamed for something, and instead of worrying about it, just knowing in your heart that it's not you. I have that last word tendency, and it's hard for me to let something go. Your screen name is quite appropriate, SS.

StandingStrong

Believe me when I tell you TexasGirl, that I spent years trying to get ah to understand. (that last word tendency you mentioned, lol)

I also couldn't bear that people may not see the truth. I was so afraid that people would blame me. I was so confused and sucked into ah that I really did believe that so much was my fault. And one of my biggest fears was that someday ah may hate me.

Today - I know that ah will hate me. And while it upsets me, it doesn't devastate me anymore. While I know that I am guilty of some things - I know that alot of the guilt I carried was "his stuff" (as we hear it called here). Yes, I made my mistakes and I am not perfect. However - I also know in my heart that the events that got us to the point of seperation were not all my fault. The past two years of our seperation - he has made his decisions and so have I. It doesn't matter to me now if he wants to blame me - I know in my heart what the truth really is. And while I may not be proud of some of the things I have done, I also know that I am okay. If in his illness, he feels the need to blame me - I am okay with that because I know the truth. Finally, I can see it as it is.