Godblessu

Hi all...although I haven't posted in a while, I have been visiting this forum frequently.

Little background:
Married to AH for 10 years. We have two daughters age 2 and 4. AH started drinking again 3 years ago after 12 years sober. His drinking and behaviour have gotten worsen over the years. Last week, he revealed that he has been sleeping with prostitutes since we moved to Singapore which was in Aug 2003. He said he doesn't feel guilty because he doesn't considered them as cheating because his heart is always for me. He said his action doesn't have anything to do with me or our marriage. He wanted me to accept the way he is now and he has no plan to stop. He now wants to have girlfriend in addition to sleeping with prostitutes. He wanted me to stay by his side and in the marriage. He said he would never leave me for anybody. My emotion has been a roller coaster since he told me about his infidelity. I lost any trust of him. I told him if he wants me to be ok with this, then I can't be his wife but his friend. Well, he doesn't like that idea either. I think he wanted to be single and be married at the same time. I am now contemplating on living separately. I would really appreciate your input. Please shed a light on this. I am devastated.

LaTeeDa

Hello Godblessu. I am new here in the past six months, so I do not remember seeing any of your previous posts. I only know what you have stated in this thread.

Putting all the emotional issues aside, which I know is impossible, I would say stop having sex with him immediately, if you haven't already. I realize that the social norms in Singapore may be entirely different than those in the US, but you are a mother. That transcends all cultures. You need to be there for your children and your husband's lifestyle is putting your LIFE at risk. There are many diseases he could contract and pass on to you that could KILL you. His behavior is extremely dangerous to you, so whether you stay with him or not, you must not be intimate with him. I am so sorry for your situation. Please protect yourself for the sake of your children.

My prayers are with you.

L

megamysterioso

OMG, I'm so sorry that you are going through not only a relapse after 12 years sober, but the prostitute thing as well???!!! My prayers are with you. Listen to LaTeeDa, his sleeping with prostitutes could KILL you. Do NOT have sex with this man again period. I cannot believe the gall of him even asking you to accept this! For some, infidelity can be forgiven, but for me, it is a TOTAL deal breaker.

The lies, the secrecy, the double-life that he is leading here is utterly disgusting and absurd. I think you're a hero for having the ability to "remain friends"! I understand that he is the father of your children, but he has really disrespected you and his whole family by what he has become. Get out of that unhealthy (mentally and physically) relationship. That whole "it's not cheating b/c my heart is always with you" is such a crock of s**T. If his heart were truly with you, he would not be dishonoring you by sleeping with anyone else (much less hookers) and he would be there giving you and your children the love and attention you all so deserve.

tiggerg65

i so agree with mega. my exhusband was also a cheater no good will come out of you stayingg with him for you or your kids. get out fast you deseve a better life and so do your kids. i will keep you in my prayers GOD BLESS US ALL

minnie

Welcome back, Godblessu, although I am sory to hear it is under such sad circumstances.

Only contemplating? You do realise that no matter what you say, it is your actions that will show him what is acceptable to you. If you stay together, you show him that it's ok for him to treat you, your marriage and your family with no respect. And the fact that you are posting about it on here and are in such emotional turmoil tells me that it is not OK with you.

I think you have made your decision, haven't you? Although, quite why you would want to be friends with someone with such a vastly different moral code is kind of beyond me. Perhaps that says more about me than about you, though.

Hon, my heart goes out to you in this situation. A part of me does think that, among the devastation, there is something to be grateful for - he is telling it to you straight. Painful though it undoubtedly is, at least the cards are on the table, unlike many who have to deal with words saying one thing and actions another.

Please stick around here and post as much as you can. Writing can be extemely helpful in seeing the wood for the trees.

(((hugs)))

nutz

I'm so, so , so sorry.
It's not your fault.

A man had complete gone off his rockers.
What egotistic maniac
totally..totally on self will run riot.
My girl friend cheated on me and all.
But heck..I aint that brave(numb) or crazy.
I have a hard enough time thinking about dating again
becuase of whatever STD that's floating around...prostitutes???

I cheated on my wife becuase of her infidility.
To get back at her. I was young, it was a big mistake
on my part. No matter how much I felt hurt by her actions.
My actions created more pain for me and a Divorce

But I also learnd a very important lesson.
I would never cheat on myself again.
So when my ex-gf of 9 years cheated on me. it hurted
I also learned that she didn't gave a rats ass about me
or how much it could hurt me. Sure she can atter the words
"I love you" and she probably means it....never the less, She didn't
care. If only just for a moment or a sec, if she thoughT of me
how the daggers would stab my heart or just the tears I would cry.
If she cares enough about me, perhapes..perhapes.
But you see active alki are INCAPIABLE OF LOVE
It's mentioned in the AA BigBook.

Btw..I'm Thai and it's not a culture or Asian thing.
There's plenty of Hookers in the U.S..
it's one of the oldest profession

Kellye C

Godblessu, I can so relate to your post. I just went through something very similar even though I wasn't married I was in what I thought to be a committed relationship with someone who supposedly had 17 yrs sober and claimed to love me dearly all the while searching for other women.

What a classic case of them wanting their cake and eating it too and how utterly selfish to risk not only his health but yours without your knowledge and now expects you to swallow this and a girlfriend!! What gall!!! But how sad that they know that due to our past behaviors that they might have a chance of suggesting this and us going along with it too.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what I did. I got out once I found out about the women (for the 3rd time). When he tried to tell me it meant nothing I called him on it and ultimately hung up on him. He has tried to contact me since but I will not talk to him.

My heart goes out to you so much on this and I can imagine the emotions you must be going through. Please keep posting on here and get it all out. Search your heart and decide what is best for you and your kids and then act on it as soon as you can. In the meantime I echo what everyone else said, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM!!! Just consider him a walking case of VD and that should fix any urges you might have.

You are worth so much more than this. You married this man and he is making a mockery of the marriage vows. I am sure the alcohol is fueling this insanity but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it drunk or sober.

Hugs,
Kellye

LaTeeDa

Sorry, I guess I didn't word that very well. You need to listen to what I am thinking, okay? LOL

Anyway, I didn't mean to imply that prostitutes were an "Asian thing." I was only expressing my ignorance about what options might be available to her in her country regarding leaving him, grounds for divorce, custody of the children, etc.

Sorry if I offended anyone.

L

TomsGirl

Aids is devastating SE Asia in a way it's never devastated the US. Personally, I wouldn't touch my husband with a 10-foot pole if he were screwing around with prostitutes here in the US. YOu also said, with the way he wants things, you couldn't be his wife but could be his friend. Do what you want but as for me ... I'd be nothing to him but GONE! I guess it all depends on how much respect one has for ones self.

Take care

Godblessu

Thank you all for your support. I am picking up every little strenght and courage I have left in me. I decided to move out ASAP. I will be looking for an apt tomorrow. As I am writing this, my AH is out sleeping around with his girlfriends. It's 7 am and he has been gone all night. I don't expect him to come home today.

You guys in SR really great in holding me together.

libralady

Ah honey, my heart goes out to you. It must be so hard to see your dreams and trust go by the wayside. Listen, darling, you have to look after you. this is a ridiculous situation to have to put up with. How dare he do this. You have to decide in that safe place in your heart whether you are prepared to put up with this situation. He is being intolerably cruel and completely disrespectful to your feelings trust and heart. Only you can decide what to do, but rest assured you have friends here. God bless you brave lady.

megamysterioso

I am so very happy to hear that you will be looking for an apartment tomorrow. My thoughts and prayers are with you and you are absolutely positively doing the right thing 100%. There is no room for doubt on this one.

Tally

Will he mind if you take a lover or three?

brightlight

I would pack my bags and take all I could and head for the nearest divorce lawyer and start drawing child support ASAP! I would move far far far far away and never look back at something like that. Just the thought of what you are going through makes me want to post to TheMissus' post about men haters!

harleygirl92156

Funny, I was wondering the same thing..............my guess is that would be out of the questions.

Ceridwen

don't have much to say other than my thoughts are with you and I wish you love and luck and happiness and strength. I was once involved with a man who had serial affairs (although we wern't married, or with children, just living together) and I know that his behaviour, the lies and the risks he put me through, were initially devastating.

You really have got to wonder about the thought proceses that lie behind putting a proposition such as that to you and expecting one line "but my heart is with you" to balance it into being a reasonable prospect. I know people do come back from infidelity with their marrriage intact, and assure me that they are happy, this is a very individual choice, but I very much hope that I would be marching out of that door with you if the same happened to me.

Cynay

Holy Cows....

OK... Im going to do my best to stay netural and think this though if it were me.

First of all are you american? You said your living there, where are you a resident? Second of all do you have an income, or something to fall on when his income is removed? Do you have support there, friends/family that can help you with this? Can you go to the doctor and have a check up??? you should probably find out very quickly if you have a STD.

It is my personal feeling that if my spouse is changing the rules then its my right to put a hault to anything physical or is something done within a marriage... SO, perhaps since he oviously has a girlfriend .... maybe you could stay where you are and he could leave until you have a plan and can move forward.... After all you have to remember that you have been delt with a HUGE blow, I worry that you will put yourself and children into a position of moving without thinking it all through.

Just thoughts is all, Please keep coming back and posting .....

pmaslan

Wow, not much else to add that hasn't been said. I hope that you are not
alone without family and friends in a foreign country. What a horrible hand to
be dealt . You are in my prayers. Keep coming back and let us know how you
are.

elizabeth1979

This really is sad.
Someone told me once...

Life is not about the cards we are dealt, but how we play our hand

I like that..keep posting

Cynay

I just have to add that .... Im trying really hard not to give advise and be helpful while supportive.

If this was my daughter I was talking too......

I would probably ask her to get the checkup, check and make sure the life insurance policies were paid up and if the gun had been cleaned... (safefy first) .... OHHH... and to let me know when she needed my help to hide the body.


But putting that aside, remember to act... not react and put yourself in a much harder situation.