Leena

I guess I never thought of myself as an enabler. I'm sure I'm going to make the wrong choices in dealing with this.

denny57

You're going to be fine, but you will make plenty of wrong choices - we all do! Be good to yourself first, get yourself educated and take it one day at a time. Good luck

elizabeth1979

Hi Leena,

I was going to co say hi and comment much earlier, but thought I would keep my mouth (or fingers) quiet for a bit.

The trouble with enabling is that we dont help the alcoholic to get well, or quit drinking.
When we enable, we help them to continue drinking, and continue the sickness.

I have done it all.
Gone to court for him (judges dont find that amusing)
Paid bills (he had no job, except for drinking)
Gave money
Bought food
Bought clothes
Lied to friends about his drinking and legal issues
Lied to family about his drinking and legal issues
Lied to myself about my unhappiness
Lied to him about how bothered I was

Let him drive my car early on in the relationshiop (While I had no car at work)
I solved the one car, 2 driver problem by, what else, buying a second car!

Believed the lies
Drank with him
Began to drink too much(codependence will make you insane)
Paid his bail more times than I have enjoyed his presence in the last 3 years
Called in sick for him when he did have a job
Seen him detox more maybe a dozen times
Taken him to the ER 6 or so times from withdrawals
Bought him liquor to help his withdrawals

on and on and on and on

Leena,
My point (yes I have one , is that when I first came to SR, I sometimes saw the advise from others, as a personal slam against the way I was doing things. I git my feelings hurt alot, bc as a Codependent people pleasing person, I wante someone to pat me onm the back, and congratulate me, for being such an awesome caretaker. I didnt see that I was helping him kill himself and causing more damage to my own sanity, self esteem, and my overall well being, than I ever thought possible.


Just wanted to tell you, you are not alone, lots of us have made whats would be deemed as "Mistakes". THe good news is, we can change, we canget better, and live a happy life that does not revolve around them and their drinking.

Stick around

Leena

Thanks.............this has been helpful information from everyone! I felt really stupid for allowing him to take my car to work and not suffering through the consequences he brought upon himself.

Just reading some posts here has given me more insight than I had yesterday, that's for sure.

Leena

I listen to Relevant Radio daily (a Catholic radio station) and I've heard this quote quite often....

I try to do that, but it's hard.

minnie

(((Leena)))

I forget that most people on here weren't here when I first joined and haven't read my first posts, so I probably come over as a bit of a know-it-all preacher type. But I will never ever forget where I was 2 years ago before I found this site. At the moment, I have a constant reminder of my true enabling self as I am taking my ex to court to recover $35,000 worth of money that I spent bailing him out of financial difficulties. Like paying his rent, fixing his car, paying for flights so he could see his son etc etc. I have done almost EVERYTHING that could ever come under the heading of "enabling".

Enabling is doing something for another person that they could or should be doing for themselves. Think of that before you do anything and it'll keep you on the right road.

BigSis

Hey Leena...

Try to take it easy on yourself. There is nothing you can do today that is going to make a huge difference. You have taken in a HUGE amount of information ... take some time to process it.

Don't beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do... there isn't a person in the Anon forums that hasn't enabled at one time or another. Figuring out addiction can be a very slow and subtle thing... it doesn't just happen (most of the time) overnight... it sneaks up on us - both the user and the family.

Read a bit around the site... there are some great sticky posts in this forum, and in some of the others that can give you more insight into ALL the addictions... the alcoholic, the drug/substance abuser, overeaters, and us... codependents. There are some who believe we become addicted to the chaotic behavior of our addicts. For me, that seems to be true.

I wish you the best... now, go take a nice hot bubble bath with candles and some soft music. You will do the right thing - when you are ready.

(((Hugs))))

Leena

Thanks.........I just might do that.

Good night to all.....I will definitely be back.

L

Jazzman

Welcome to SR Leena. My AW totaled a 2nd car I had bought... for her to drive. When she realized I wasn't going to buy another one, she bought her own car. She totaled that one as well. She went out and bought another one and called the insurance Co, (the policy was in my name) and had her new car added. When I found out I called the insurance Co and had them remove her car and read them the riot act for allowing her to add another car on a policy that was in MY name! I told my AW to get her own insurance. That was a year and a half ago, she's now my ex-AW.

My point is I use to enable her until I educated myself on enabling and rescuing behavior. Read, learn, post, get educated.