FaithChaser

In this diseased marriage, I've given myself deadlines in the past. I tell myself by this date, I'm going to finally make a decision as to whether I am going to leave or be commited to it. It seems that everytime I do this I let the date come and go and nothing is done, I'm still sitting on the fence unable to move. I did that a year ago on my birthday, then two years ago, again on my birthday... I end up feeling weak that I couldn't do anything.

After the second time I told myself I wouldn't ever give myself a deadline again! But low and behold, here I am three years later doing it once again. I feel however that things are different this time, I have a place to go, some money in the bank and my business is doing fantastic. I've gotten to this place with a lot of work this time. I believe in my ah's mind everything is much better right now, and it is because I've been completely detatching from him. I don't bother with trying to talk to him anymore, I understand now that no matter what I say, he will still be who he is. He will excercise his free will to continue to drink. He is not someone that will ever romance me, he is not someone that will ever want to have deep conversations with me. He is someone that will split every bill, every part of our lives down the middle and be a great roomate, if you don't mind cleaning up beer cans...
This time, I'm not upset I'm accepting. I don't ever want to go back to trying to control again. I can only fix me.
I do know that I occasionally lash out, and realize it is over my own frustration anger and hurt. I own that. I make it into a joke or whatever, but it is still mean. I'm not doing that often, but often enougth that I recognize it.
I am leaving on a trip for five days tomarrow. I want to be off the fence by the time I get back. For good. I have a place to move to should I choose that direction. I don't want to choose to stay out of fear so I purchased a book to read while I'm gone (feal the fear and do it anyway) I've read so many books and gone to therapy, done this and that and yes it has all helped. But my life has been "on hold" for too long now. I have to be committed or get out. I have lots of questions to ask myself, the main one being am I able to stay in an emotionally detatched marriage knowing that I want so much more and that it is right outside this door? Do I have the strength to leave? How much love is left, and is it even salvageable? I feel love for him but no passion, more like a sibling. Along with that is sibling rivalry!
It isn't just me questioning the marriage, he called an attorney to get prices a week or so ago. That is when it really hit home for me that I'd better detatch, things have been better ever since.
The bottom line is that I have to get off the fence once and for all, not for him or anyone else but for myself. I've learned enough now, it is time to take the knowledge and use it.

Thanks,
~FaithChaser

Ayers1995

Wow Faith,
The fence is a hard place to be... but it seems safe, doesn't it? It's safe to be thinking about what your choices are.. but not having to decide which to take. It's exactly where I am.
The questions you have are good questions. It seems like you already know the answers to them, and that you already know what is best for you. Have you sat and talked w/him about this? I'm only asking b/c you say he contacted an attorney... had you talked about leaving and haven't done it, or have you just been keeping it bottled up inside?
I hope that you come back from your trip Strong and Ready. Good Luck.. let us know how the new book turns out....

FaithChaser

Thanks for your response Ayers. The fence is difficult, I don't want to plan anything here, I've come to realize that without deciding, I cannot move forward and plan a future, life will just take total control without my imput, like it has for the past few years. Nice run-on sentence there!
I have tried to talk to him numerous times, seems that he cannot really have a conversation without getting upset and walking away, he uses it as an excuse to drink. I've given up on having any serious talks. I did hire my own attorney last summer, she's on stand-by. The summer before that, I did leave but only for a bit. I've rented out storage spaces twice, it ends up costing me a lot of loot to come and go so I've just decided to stay until somewhere safe to move in came along. It has. I just need to do some serious soul searching and have not really had the time to do so with my job being so physically demanding. It seems like either I make sure every moment is taken, or life just keeps on moving along without any real time to take a step back and see what I have in front of me. He's content with us just moving along with the status quo. Not sure if I'm 100% right since he won't discuss it. Hmmmm, how do you plan a life when your partner is silent? or drunk...good question to ask him eh?
I'm looking forward to a day in a spa, with my ipod tuned to my new book. Refresh and focus.

Big Hugs,
~Faithchaser

megamysterioso

Good for you Faith! My AH is content with the status quo as well. I am so emotionally distant from him that I can hardly imagine me feeling the love that I once did for him. We are like roommates. I too am on that dang fence. Our marriage will be doomed unless I am absolutely 100% committed to working really really hard for it. Right now- I'm just really really tired and the world is passing me by. I have not set a mental deadline for myself yet, but that is something I need to do.

It is very easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day and ignore the big picture. I don't want to wake up in 15 years and still be on this fence! Enjoy your time away.