Normality
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Normality
I had an interesting experience yesterday and I’d like to share it with you all.
I am having some real tests of my recovery at the moment. I share a house with my brother and he has lapsed into a deep depression which is terribly distressing for him and those that love him. He is still working, but he has done the usual family trick of isolating himself. I can’t knock him for it in the slightest, because I share that particular characteristic, although I am getting better at reaching out. I have always been pretty close to my brother and loved spending time with him, but that has all gone by the wayside. I’m lucky if I get 2 sentences out of him in a day – and I actually work with him now too. He is like this with everyone, so I am not doing the paranoid thing and thinking it’s all about me. My heart breaks every day to see this handsome, once-vibrant, funny, caring guy simply shut down.
I went next-door to see my neighbour yesterday. She is a wonderful woman and I am so lucky to have a new friend nearby. She is concerned about D too and we were discussing what any of us can do to help him. Does this sound familiar? She said something that struck me dumb – “I think the best thing is just to be normal. Treat him as you always have and how you expect to treat a brother and a house-mate, otherwise he will never face up to just how bad his depression has got. Pu$$y-footing around will only create a new “normal” and he won’t be facing the consequences of his situation.” Well, strike me down. I KNOW this stuff – I lived it with R. So why does it take someone who has never had any contact with alcoholics and only thinks of recovery in terms of healing after an operation (she’s a nurse) to make me see sense? I say this tongue in cheek, because I know for certain that I learn my lessons all over the place. But WOW!!
I am having some real tests of my recovery at the moment. I share a house with my brother and he has lapsed into a deep depression which is terribly distressing for him and those that love him. He is still working, but he has done the usual family trick of isolating himself. I can’t knock him for it in the slightest, because I share that particular characteristic, although I am getting better at reaching out. I have always been pretty close to my brother and loved spending time with him, but that has all gone by the wayside. I’m lucky if I get 2 sentences out of him in a day – and I actually work with him now too. He is like this with everyone, so I am not doing the paranoid thing and thinking it’s all about me. My heart breaks every day to see this handsome, once-vibrant, funny, caring guy simply shut down.
I went next-door to see my neighbour yesterday. She is a wonderful woman and I am so lucky to have a new friend nearby. She is concerned about D too and we were discussing what any of us can do to help him. Does this sound familiar? She said something that struck me dumb – “I think the best thing is just to be normal. Treat him as you always have and how you expect to treat a brother and a house-mate, otherwise he will never face up to just how bad his depression has got. Pu$$y-footing around will only create a new “normal” and he won’t be facing the consequences of his situation.” Well, strike me down. I KNOW this stuff – I lived it with R. So why does it take someone who has never had any contact with alcoholics and only thinks of recovery in terms of healing after an operation (she’s a nurse) to make me see sense? I say this tongue in cheek, because I know for certain that I learn my lessons all over the place. But WOW!!
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
When we are open to recovery, when the lessons come, we recognize the message. That was your higher power speaking to you through your friend.
Regarding your brother, is he being treated for depression? I suffered from depression for 20 years, and it is a serious, but treatable condition.
Regarding your brother, is he being treated for depression? I suffered from depression for 20 years, and it is a serious, but treatable condition.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
No he's not getting treatment, Robina. I too have taken ADs for a while and have had some brilliant counselling. In fact, I am re-training as a counsellor myself, but am only at the very beginning. He knows all of this and knows that I have a lot of info, but is not ready to get help.
I just thought that what my friend said was so applicable to living with an active alcoholic too. I know that when I was living with R, I did not treat him "normally". I adjusted my standards of acceptable behaviour, both for me and him. I helped create a new "norm", where standards were lower and what was once unacceptable became the acceptable, albeit grudgingly.
It's much easier to tip-toe than to maintain a norm in the face of the abnormal.
I just thought that what my friend said was so applicable to living with an active alcoholic too. I know that when I was living with R, I did not treat him "normally". I adjusted my standards of acceptable behaviour, both for me and him. I helped create a new "norm", where standards were lower and what was once unacceptable became the acceptable, albeit grudgingly.
It's much easier to tip-toe than to maintain a norm in the face of the abnormal.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I KNOW this stuff – I lived it with R. So why does it take someone who has never had any contact with alcoholics and only thinks of recovery in terms of healing after an operation (she’s a nurse) to make me see sense?
I think normal is good but maybe with a little extra effort to encourage, and some time away if the furniture seems like it's getting depressed too! I think sometimes it feels like it can cling inside the house - that's get out time, a break!
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