Sad
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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Sad
I am new here, but have been reading the boards for a couple weeks.
My boyfriend, now ex, is an alcoholic. We had, what I thought, was a pretty good relationship. All of a sudden, out of the blue, a week ago he breaks up with me, no warning, no signs anything was ever wrong; telling me that although he loves and cares for me very deeply, he is not in love with me and never has been....says that for the past year, he has just been doing and saying all the things he was to make me happy and because he thought that is what I needed. I am really having a lot of trouble with this...I am hurting bad. I love this guy very much and thought he was my best friend. Three days before, we were making plans on moving in together (his idea). Now, he tells me he has had these troubling feelings for a long time and just didn't say anything (but continued to make future plans.) If what he says is true, it means he was a real good actor with everything we went through and that he used me and violated me. I am having trouble believing what he is saying because of previous actions and things that were said in the past. He's been in a lot of pain since this break up and has been drinking nonstop. He tells me that his hurt is mostly caused because of him being angry with himself for what he did and because he knows the pain it has caused me.
We never had one fight and got along well. Family, friends, etc., were all shocked to learn we are now broke up.....no one has ever heard him even mention once he was unhappy, in fact, just the opposite.
I am a member of Alanon and have been using different tools of my program, but this is just so shocking to me and hurts me so much. I don't get why someone would do something like this. I keep telling him I don't get it and don't understand and he's getting irritated with me because he says he's explained it over and over that he has every component there that he's always wanted in someone, that I am the type of person he's always dreamed of being with, I'm extremely special to him, and he loves me very, very much but this one component of being "in love" isn't there and he can't put his finger on it. Oh, but after being with me for this past year and pulling the rug out from underneath me like this (that is what it feels like), he still wants to be friends and still wants me in his life often. What the heck is going on?
My boyfriend, now ex, is an alcoholic. We had, what I thought, was a pretty good relationship. All of a sudden, out of the blue, a week ago he breaks up with me, no warning, no signs anything was ever wrong; telling me that although he loves and cares for me very deeply, he is not in love with me and never has been....says that for the past year, he has just been doing and saying all the things he was to make me happy and because he thought that is what I needed. I am really having a lot of trouble with this...I am hurting bad. I love this guy very much and thought he was my best friend. Three days before, we were making plans on moving in together (his idea). Now, he tells me he has had these troubling feelings for a long time and just didn't say anything (but continued to make future plans.) If what he says is true, it means he was a real good actor with everything we went through and that he used me and violated me. I am having trouble believing what he is saying because of previous actions and things that were said in the past. He's been in a lot of pain since this break up and has been drinking nonstop. He tells me that his hurt is mostly caused because of him being angry with himself for what he did and because he knows the pain it has caused me.
We never had one fight and got along well. Family, friends, etc., were all shocked to learn we are now broke up.....no one has ever heard him even mention once he was unhappy, in fact, just the opposite.
I am a member of Alanon and have been using different tools of my program, but this is just so shocking to me and hurts me so much. I don't get why someone would do something like this. I keep telling him I don't get it and don't understand and he's getting irritated with me because he says he's explained it over and over that he has every component there that he's always wanted in someone, that I am the type of person he's always dreamed of being with, I'm extremely special to him, and he loves me very, very much but this one component of being "in love" isn't there and he can't put his finger on it. Oh, but after being with me for this past year and pulling the rug out from underneath me like this (that is what it feels like), he still wants to be friends and still wants me in his life often. What the heck is going on?
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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I had posted the above on the relationship board and didn't get any responses so I decided to post it here. Like I had mentioned, I am new to SR; I didn't realize this board is busier than the other one.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
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luvroses...Welcome to SR. Yes! this is a busy site and a wonderful site, but you checked in at a very quiet hour. Pretty soon some people with wisdom will be getting up. I am just up for a bit to take a pain pill.
My only thought is that some of the A's seem to be just restless and discontent. I do believe they do not know what they want. Aso I believe it has to do with how much they drink, how offten, and how many years they have drank.
Normal males fear commitment it is said, then add lots of alcohol and they really don't know what they want from one day to the next.
I am so sorry that this has happened, and I know how you must feel.
Have you tried Al-Anon?? It is a great help, even if you break up. We all need to learn all we can about alcoholism, as alcoholic's seem to be every where.
If we lose one, we find another, strange but we seem to.
Keep comeing back and take what you can use and leave the rest.
My only thought is that some of the A's seem to be just restless and discontent. I do believe they do not know what they want. Aso I believe it has to do with how much they drink, how offten, and how many years they have drank.
Normal males fear commitment it is said, then add lots of alcohol and they really don't know what they want from one day to the next.
I am so sorry that this has happened, and I know how you must feel.
Have you tried Al-Anon?? It is a great help, even if you break up. We all need to learn all we can about alcoholism, as alcoholic's seem to be every where.
If we lose one, we find another, strange but we seem to.
Keep comeing back and take what you can use and leave the rest.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
What do you know about his background? Is he married? Claim to be separated or divorced? Are you basing your statement that he is an alcoholic on the fact that he is drinking heavily since your breakup? It's hard to give any advice, but have you tried Al-Anon for yourself?
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
It sounds lke you are feeling a great deal of shock and sadness at the ending of this relationship. You might even call it grief.
A relationship that was very important to you has just ended, leaving you wondering: "what just happened?". You are trying to find some logic and sense in what happened, but there is just sadness and anger and grief. You might even feel a bit worthless or you might wondering what you could have done differently.
From reading your letter, it sounds like he really does not want to hurt you, but at the same time, he does not feel like he can be with you.
It's a very sad time for you. My only advice is to take extra good care of yourself, try to surround yourself with loving friends and family, try to keep busy, keep going to those Al-anon meetings, and remember - at some point, when your emotions have healed, you will begin to feel better.
Hugs and love
A relationship that was very important to you has just ended, leaving you wondering: "what just happened?". You are trying to find some logic and sense in what happened, but there is just sadness and anger and grief. You might even feel a bit worthless or you might wondering what you could have done differently.
From reading your letter, it sounds like he really does not want to hurt you, but at the same time, he does not feel like he can be with you.
It's a very sad time for you. My only advice is to take extra good care of yourself, try to surround yourself with loving friends and family, try to keep busy, keep going to those Al-anon meetings, and remember - at some point, when your emotions have healed, you will begin to feel better.
Hugs and love
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
luvroses - sorry you are in pain right now. trying to figure out the why's and what's will cause you frustration, especially if he is an alcoholic. continue going to al-anon and focus on you. only you can decide if you want to try and remain friends with him, but i would say give him space. sounds like he is trying to be honest with himself and you. and if not, then maybe it's for the best.
(((luvroses))
(((luvroses))
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No, Denney, he is not married or separated. He is single. He has stated that he's still in love with this ex-gf of his from over a year and a half ago. I've actually known him for a long time. He is in pretty advanced stages of alcoholism.
He keeps telling me he still loves me and cares a great deal for me, but is not "in-love" with me.....says he was really not happy the entire 10 mos we were together, but at the same time tells me he felt the closest thing to happiness he's ever felt when he was with me. He was talking about moving in together three days before this break up happened and had been talking about it for some time. We were making plans. It was his idea in the first place. Now, he keeps telling me he wants me in his life, but is just not "that guy" because he is not "in-love" with me, but does love me.
I feel like everything he says makes entirely no sense. From the actions I saw in our relationship, none of this makes sense. I love his family and a lot of the people I met during the relationship. None of this makes sense to them either and they still want to maintain a relationship with me so I am doing that. They say they had never seen him so happy in his entire life than when we were together. Now, he looks pretty bad and is obviously really upset by everything.
The weird thing is he still wants to go do things with me and stay in close contact, calls often, but still tells me "he's just not the guy." It makes no sense. Usually when someone breaks up with you, even if they want a friendship, they don't have nearly daily contact or want to go places with you.
I am a member of Alanon and have upped my meetings this week. Believe it or not, I have finally, within the last couple of days feel like I am feeling a sense of peace within myself (probably because of all the praying I've been doing, etc.), and am starting to focus on myself more even though I am still really confused. It is like i am having trouble truly believing what he is saying because of past and still present actions. That is what I am having trouble getting past. Our lives were really intertwined. We were together six days out of seven.
One thing I am thinking that maybe I need to do for myself is put distance between him and I and not be there for every phone call, etc. I need to make myself go on with my life even though it is so hard because I really love this guy and I really treasure all the time I had with him.
It all has just been such a shock.
He keeps telling me he still loves me and cares a great deal for me, but is not "in-love" with me.....says he was really not happy the entire 10 mos we were together, but at the same time tells me he felt the closest thing to happiness he's ever felt when he was with me. He was talking about moving in together three days before this break up happened and had been talking about it for some time. We were making plans. It was his idea in the first place. Now, he keeps telling me he wants me in his life, but is just not "that guy" because he is not "in-love" with me, but does love me.
I feel like everything he says makes entirely no sense. From the actions I saw in our relationship, none of this makes sense. I love his family and a lot of the people I met during the relationship. None of this makes sense to them either and they still want to maintain a relationship with me so I am doing that. They say they had never seen him so happy in his entire life than when we were together. Now, he looks pretty bad and is obviously really upset by everything.
The weird thing is he still wants to go do things with me and stay in close contact, calls often, but still tells me "he's just not the guy." It makes no sense. Usually when someone breaks up with you, even if they want a friendship, they don't have nearly daily contact or want to go places with you.
I am a member of Alanon and have upped my meetings this week. Believe it or not, I have finally, within the last couple of days feel like I am feeling a sense of peace within myself (probably because of all the praying I've been doing, etc.), and am starting to focus on myself more even though I am still really confused. It is like i am having trouble truly believing what he is saying because of past and still present actions. That is what I am having trouble getting past. Our lives were really intertwined. We were together six days out of seven.
One thing I am thinking that maybe I need to do for myself is put distance between him and I and not be there for every phone call, etc. I need to make myself go on with my life even though it is so hard because I really love this guy and I really treasure all the time I had with him.
It all has just been such a shock.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
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I know it must hurt, but "this too shall pass." Don't try to make too much sense of it. From everything you've said, it seems that he is being as honest with you as possible. Focus on yourself and try not to dwell on the "what might have beens" or analyze the past too much. Try not to pick his brain too much either.
If he is still in love with someone else, why would you want him any way? I really understand his point of view of wanting to stay in contact with you b/c it sounds like he does care for you as a person. If this will be too painful for you though OR if it will leave you with longing and hope that you two will one day be a couple again, DO NOT continue the friendship. Take what he's told you at face value and get on with your life. He'll understand if you can't continue the friendship.
If he is still in love with someone else, why would you want him any way? I really understand his point of view of wanting to stay in contact with you b/c it sounds like he does care for you as a person. If this will be too painful for you though OR if it will leave you with longing and hope that you two will one day be a couple again, DO NOT continue the friendship. Take what he's told you at face value and get on with your life. He'll understand if you can't continue the friendship.
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luvroses: I am so sorry. This is very similar to what I have been told by my AH (we have been together over 30 yrs/married 27yr and have two children) I can not make a bit of sense about what is going on with him except that he does not want to stop drinking. He has filed for divorce, in fact I still have the papers to be signed but have not yet and he has not really pushed. He has at least one OW now,I think... (though he denies her...)says he still loves me but isn't "in love with me" blah,blah...says "we will always be together because of our kids and wants us to be great friends and he will always be there for me, etc,etc"................so odd. He seemed completely shocked when I told him that I just don't see us going back to just"good friends", that I would find that too difficult and would need to keep contact with him to the barest necessary contact.
In fact, he just showed up here (kids have had NO contact with him for a week and I had to stop in his office the other day for a brief minute, other than that I had no contact,either.) and was his old self (he has not lived with us for 3 years) and spent 2 1/2 hours helping to clean up this mess of a house. I have NO IDEA what that was about, but it is wonderful that he moved the Christmas tree to the basement that was too heavy for my daughter and I and it is great to have this help! I have been so depressed lately, I just have had a devil of a time just moving through the day.....the house was trashed! I am going to enjoy this and try not to worry what shoe is about to drop. Sad to expect something bad because of what used to be an ordinary kindness and responsible act from him. Alcoholism does that.
I agree..it is so hard to figure out what it actually going on when it is always changing.
I could say alot of things I have heard here that is good advice, but I think instead I will just encourage you to come back often, post, and remember the 3 C's...you didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it. Their thought process is really effected and it is hard to understand a lot of what they say and do.....it is so illogical. I doubt that they understand .
Glad you are here. Please keep posting. I am sorry you are dealing with this....it is so very difficult, I know. Sending you a hug and I will keep you in my prayers.
In fact, he just showed up here (kids have had NO contact with him for a week and I had to stop in his office the other day for a brief minute, other than that I had no contact,either.) and was his old self (he has not lived with us for 3 years) and spent 2 1/2 hours helping to clean up this mess of a house. I have NO IDEA what that was about, but it is wonderful that he moved the Christmas tree to the basement that was too heavy for my daughter and I and it is great to have this help! I have been so depressed lately, I just have had a devil of a time just moving through the day.....the house was trashed! I am going to enjoy this and try not to worry what shoe is about to drop. Sad to expect something bad because of what used to be an ordinary kindness and responsible act from him. Alcoholism does that.
I agree..it is so hard to figure out what it actually going on when it is always changing.
I could say alot of things I have heard here that is good advice, but I think instead I will just encourage you to come back often, post, and remember the 3 C's...you didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it. Their thought process is really effected and it is hard to understand a lot of what they say and do.....it is so illogical. I doubt that they understand .
Glad you are here. Please keep posting. I am sorry you are dealing with this....it is so very difficult, I know. Sending you a hug and I will keep you in my prayers.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by luvroses
He has stated that he's still in love with this ex-gf of his from over a year and a half ago. . . .
I feel like everything he says makes entirely no sense.
I feel like everything he says makes entirely no sense.
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Originally Posted by luvroses
He keeps telling me he still loves me and cares a great deal for me, but is not "in-love" with me......
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Thank you everyone for all your replies....they are really making a difference and will greatly help me get through this. I've been reading them over several times and the support is making me feel better.....having people who can relate to me helps so much.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
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Originally Posted by luvroses
Thank you everyone for all your replies....they are really making a difference and will greatly help me get through this. I've been reading them over several times and the support is making me feel better.....having people who can relate to me helps so much.
Take care of yourself and just try to take one minute at a time...that the only way I have found to do this. ttyl
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
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Hi Luv. I wanted to elaborate on my previous post a little more. In my opinion, if you decide to let go of him and this idea that maybe you will be together with him again and you tell him that you cannot continue a friendship with him (b/c too painful/confusing for you) and he does NOT understand this---RUN. If he cannot understand this totally rational decision of yours, then he has motives all his own that are not healthy for you (i.e.- is very confused and wants to keep you lingering "just in case," use you as a safety net for his problems- bail him out of trouble, etc.). You don't need that type of mind game in your life. You deserve honesty and love that is returned.
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