No matter what I do, it will never be enough
 

I got to thinking about this phrase today, since it was a recurring theme in my marriage and I've seen it often on this board also. They (our A's) say it to us to make us feel guilty. And it often works.

But here is what I was thinking, THEY ARE RIGHT! No matter what they do, it will never be enough TO MAKE US HAPPY! We have cast them in a role where it is their job to make us happy, and they can never succeed. Our happiness does not come from them. I see so many posts lately, and I was also there not too long ago, that say something like:

If only he/she would stop drinking, if only he/she would get help, if only (fill in the blank), then things would be good again.

As long as they are put in a position to try and figure out what makes us happy, they will continue to fail to do so.

My A is not currently drinking and is seeing a counselor to try and sort things out, but he is still trying to do what will make me happy, take him back, make our marraige work, etc. This will not work. Hell, I don't even know for sure what I want, how can he?

I told him today that he needs to figure out who he is and what he wants out of life. At the same time, I need to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. Only then, can we start to figure out if those two individuals can make a life together.

I just wanted to share my "careful what you wish for" thought. Even when or if they do get sober, we have to do our own recovery work or nothing will ever get better.

L

Excellent thoughts La.
It comes from within, not from without.
On both sides of the relationship fence.

It's always good to be reminded of this. My therapist will remind me - you may not even like him when he's sober (he has been A since I met him) so don't "put yourself on ice." Work on yourself. Good advice.

I think this is a smart way to go about working on a relationship. Everything you said is so right on. My AH has said this to me and I realized that he was right (sad as it seems). Changing his behaviors will not really make me change the way I feel about him or our relationship. Our relationship will not suddenly blossom into something glorious. We have problems way beyond the drinking, but the drinking has only made those problems worse.

LaTeeDa - I love this post. In fact, I love many of your other posts too - you have some great recovery going on there.

I learnt that I was with an alcoholic for a reason. It wasn't just a coincidence. I chose him so that I could get my "fix-it mitts" on him and his problems. And as my counsellor rightly pointed out in the beginning - if I stayed the same, what on earth would I do if I was successful and he did get into recovery? (hypothetical question - counsellor is well aware that I couldn't be "successful" and we went on to explore that issue). My reason for being with him would have gone. Likewise, he chose me for a reason, and if I got into recovery and he didn't, then why would he want to be with me when my vulnerability and rescuing tendencies were gone? I am more often amazed that people stay together in recovery than if they split up, tbh.

LaTeeDa - my ex jumped through the same hoops to get our relationship to work. Everything BUT take his own recovery seriously. The frustration I felt was incredible when another Amazon delivery brought books on relationships into the house (even after we split up). In the end, it was simpler for him to find another vulnerable enabler than to get into recovery.

You are looking at the Big Picture and I think that is vitally important. I have been wanting to start a new thread on that topic for a while, but have been too busy (?lazy) to create it from scratch so have been looking on-line for something appropriate. I haven't found what I wanted, so I guess I might have to bite the bullet today and do the work myself. :a102:

I think that it's almost abuse on our parts to expect them to make us happy because they can't it's us who are responsible for that.

And it's a very empowering feeling to know I'm in charge of me! :dance6:

Ngaire

It occurred to me yesterday how much better it would be for us (and our children) if we were both happy apart instead of miserable together. I am (mostly) past my anger and I do wish happiness for him. If that is with or without me, it's more important that we each live our lives to the fullest. I am determined to do that. I hope he will come to that realization as well.

Looking forward to your "Big Picture" thread..........

L

One is too many and thousand is never enough.

Be still and know that I'am God
Be still and know that I'am
Be still and know
Be still
BE

Be happy.....it's simple ,but ain't easy.